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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate some of the negative male narrative re having kids

175 replies

ChocChoc889 · 21/02/2023 02:30

I'm 33, friends are starting to have babies/planning to have them soon/talking about it. DP and I had a practical talk about what it would look like, mat leave etc tonight. He's so fucking down about it! Like it's some enormous thing he needs to get his head around. In one breath he says he wants kids and how lovely it is having a family but then he starts getting all negative. All our male friends are the same, joke about how their life is about to end.

And I'm sitting here trying to convince him it'll be fine but you know what, I really want to tell him to FUCK OFF. I'm the one having to carry the baby, taking all the health and career risks, I'm the one having to take maternity leave etc, in the short term it's really shit for me. And I really want someone who's excited and happy and wants to do this with me.

I make 2x times his salary. I have a very supportive mum. I could comfortably go have a baby on my own. And after tonight's conversation, I'm really fucking tempted to walk away. I don't want to be some kind of downer who trapped him for the next 20 years.

Anyone else felt this way? Or are all the men I know a bit shit?

OP posts:
tigger2022 · 21/02/2023 07:33

I do think there is a bit of Peter Pan syndrome with a lot of men today. I couldn't find any men serious about having children and so I eventually ended up having a child by myself.

Tiddler39 · 21/02/2023 07:34

CleaningOutMyCloset · 21/02/2023 06:59

Have you told him this op? Stop trying to convince him, he either wants to and steps up, acts like a grown up and stops whinging or he doesn't and you go it alone. Sometimes a sharp talking to will do the trick, you're not his mum trying to convince him to wear his coat to school. Tell him all you've said in your op, warts n all, if he doesn't like it then you've plenty of years to do it yourself. I think sometimes men feed off men and it's the done thing to moan about kids

She’s not trying to convince him.

Redebs · 21/02/2023 07:35

kenne · 21/02/2023 07:08

I always post this chart as it gives good I formation to make decisions about fertility timescales. There are too many women who think they have plenty of time, until it's too late to achieve the family they wanted.

I wanted 2 children, so my DH knew I wanted to be married and TTC by age 33. I wasn't happy with less than 75% chance of getting 2 kids.

And risk of Downs Syndrome:

To hate some of the negative male narrative re having kids
Indáirire · 21/02/2023 07:39

I don't relate to this at all. My husband was great. He did lots of night feeds, took time off to look after her etc... I think you're making unfair generalisations.

iCouldSleepForAYear · 21/02/2023 07:42

When I married my DH, he already had a kid. So, he'd already seen what the baby and toddler years could be like. He already had a very good idea of what the impact would be when a baby came along. Even then, he was keen and excited to have more children.

You need to be on the same page with big things like having children.

DH and I were keen to have a baby together (DD1). And then, three years later, we were keen to have another (DD2)! Both times, when each daughter arrived, we felt like we'd been hit by a bus. It was the joy of having children, something we very much wanted to do together, that balanced out that shock and upheaval.

Does your DP take joy when other people's children are around? Does he enjoy engaging with them? Is he curious about them? Does he see fascinating little people when he sees a baby or a child?

Is the negativity about having children something new? Or is this part of a longer-term pattern that you were hoping he'd grow out of?

If his negativity about starting a family is new and a bit out of character, then it might be just a bit of nerves about the impact a new baby will have. That's something that can be talked through further, sensibly: how do we get through the hit-by-a-bus part so that we can enjoy the joyful parts.

If the negativity is part of a longer-term pattern and fully in character for him, then he may not be the life partner you thought you wanted.

Kids are hard to raise. Parenthood needs to be both your idea, not something one is allowing the other to pursue in order to keep them happy.

CleaningOutMyCloset · 21/02/2023 07:42

@kenne I was similar at 34 I had no problem conceiving. At 38 we tried again for 3 years and was never able to have a second child. We went to the gp, had all the tests done, nothing untoward, we were told it was simply an age thing.

SamanthaCaine · 21/02/2023 07:43

Obviously men and women are all different, so generalising is difficult. But trying to have a rationale conversation without either party getting pissed off might help.

You clearly have strong feelings about having kids. So does he, but you both need to accept that everyone has a different way of processing it. It's a massive undertaking.

My OH wasn't down, but took it all very seriously and spent a long time weighing up everything. I just desperately knew I wanted kids. But it's different for my OH. We weren't high earners at the time and earned the same, but there will always be a financial impact and often this falls to the man. Maybe not so much nowadays but was the case for us. It's a fair responsibility and whilst the risk/burden of childbirth is huge, keeping the family afloat is tough for a young family.

I'm fortunate by the sound of it as the 'mood' was obviously the cogs turning and working it all out. Once he'd got over that he was brilliant and has been an amazing dad in all respects, adores his kids and wouldn't be without them.

I guess you'll not know how he'll turn out but you don't know what sort of mother you'll be either. I've seen some of my friends turn into nightmare mother's so a bit of compromise and humility wouldn't go amiss.

Smoothlines · 21/02/2023 07:46

I don’t relate to this. My DH was keener on having a baby than I was - he wanted to be a dad, and he was a great dad.

Soapnotshowergel · 21/02/2023 07:47

I think it's good he's thinking about the realities. What would be your financial and parental leave situation? You say you'd have support from your mum, does he want your mum helping regularly? What childcare would you use?

A baby puts a strain on even the best of relationships and you only need to read a few threads on here to see how frustrated women are by some men refusing to do their share. I think loads of men go along with having babies without giving much thought to whether it's right for them, it's the right time or the practicalities.

ZenNudist · 21/02/2023 07:48

I'm sorry but run. Run now. Having a baby together is hard when you are on the same page. It's awful if he's doing it "for" you.

At least it will concentrate his mind about what he really wants. Don't let him do you this as a favour. If you loved you he'd be supportive.

ZenNudist · 21/02/2023 07:50

BTW I said YABU because this isn't a man thing this is your boyfriend and how he feels about kids. Plenty of men want to have children.

CupEmpty · 21/02/2023 07:50

@ChocChoc889 please please listen to my advice. Make sure he really is the right guy. I didn’t really see the warning signs with my DH as he is otherwise great, but probably looking back was a bit lazy as he liked weekend lie ins and lounging on the sofa. He was enthusiastic about having kids tho. But now he just constantly goes on about how his life is ruined, he is intolerant of them, he can’t do anything fun etc etc. he barely does much with them but it’s depressing for me living with someone who always talks about regretting his life choices. It’s like it hasn’t clicked in his brain that they are here now and we have a responsibility towards them, it’s like he hasn’t realised it’s not optional?

Untitledsquatboulder · 21/02/2023 07:50

ChocChoc889 · 21/02/2023 03:06

@Beachbodyready Yes, it's a major thing, but it's not a negative thing. I WANT a family, no one is making me do it. And I'm not making him do it either. HE is the one that brought it up tonight and he's somehow managed to just make me feel shit about it. I can't be arsed with him now tbh. What a way to take a good thing and just make it a bit shit.

If your idea of parenthood can't withstand 1 evening of looking at the downside then maybe you are really not ready either. Most people enjoy having children despite the down sides, not because there aren't any or because they are utterly trivial.

Tbh if you are already thinking of going it alone your relationship clear isn't great and maybe you should. Though God help your kids when they dont live up to your idyll.

RattlewhenIwalk · 21/02/2023 07:53

It seems it's a male thing. My manager, who has come back off paternity leave, said that other men were so negative throughout his wife's pregnancy. Going on about how his life is at an end etc.

He and his wife are southern European and just don't get it.

AnnaKorine · 21/02/2023 08:00

Maybe women should be more realistic about the prospect of parenting? Perhaps it's the stereotype of women being baby machines who love nothing more than being mothers is the problem. This site is full of women saying how challenging parenting is, which is true. So many women go into it thinking it was be a wonderful experience and are surprised by the grinding reality. Having a critical think about whether you want it at all or are ready for it is actually very healthy. It’s different when men agree and shirk their responsibilities, but having a frank discussion about any doubts or fears up front should be encouraged.

I felt the same as your DH before I became pregnant, I don’t think I’m a child but at least I wasn't shocked when my life completely changed. It is a grind, it is a lot of relentless responsibility but it's also rewarding and joyous. Apart from the initial parts, DH's life has changed as much as mine, we are equal parents.

MelchiorsMistress · 21/02/2023 08:05

It’s not a bad thing that he’s taking it seriously and realises having a child is going to totally change his life, and maybe restrict him from doing things he enjoys for a while.

I get that the man joke of behaving as if they’ve been given a prison sentence is irritating but the basis of it is better than a man being blasé and thinking nothing of it because they’re planning on leaving everything to the woman.

I also think you’re being slightly hypocritical by saying this ’I'm the one having to carry the baby, taking all the health and career risks, I'm the one having to take maternity leave etc, in the short term it's really shit for me.’

Why are you saying pregnancy and maternity leave are shit things to go through? This things aren’t always easy but from the majority of women they are overwhelmingly positive and enjoyable things to be privileged with.

Timesawastin · 21/02/2023 08:06

Randomactsofspanking · 21/02/2023 05:41

sorry it sounds like he’s not ready for a kid. As many have said it’s a huge deal and it’s, in some way, really really good that he he’s not just downplaying it and thinking about it properly. That bit sounds pretty mature and sensible to be honest and it’s not right to make him feel bad for thinking this huge decision through properly.
Almost no one regrets having kids but dp and I have both had times when it’s been so hard we have wished we hadn’t chosen that moment. He needs to be ready, so if you don’t think he is, I’d decide if you can wait and support him to be ready or decide you can’t and leave him.

From threads on here, quite a few people regret having children. It's simply utterly taboo to admit it.

Leatherbound · 21/02/2023 08:06

RattlewhenIwalk · 21/02/2023 07:53

It seems it's a male thing. My manager, who has come back off paternity leave, said that other men were so negative throughout his wife's pregnancy. Going on about how his life is at an end etc.

He and his wife are southern European and just don't get it.

This is very true. I am childfree and I’m lucky I’ve found a husband who is as well but when people find out we each get very different reactions from both men and women. I’ve been told by women to kill myself, told I’m worthless, told my life is meaningless, told I’m missing out on everything life is about and so what’s the point of me and told I’m cold, will never know love, I’ll be lonely and bitter and basically I am questioned and abused. Men usually ask if I have children and when I say no they say something like ‘lucky you!’ and change the subject completely.

My husband is told by men he’s doing the right thing, kids will ruin your life, kids ruin your marriage, ‘how did you manage to get your wife to agree to that?’, ‘I wish my wife hadn’t made me have them’, ‘you’re so lucky mate’ etc. And by women he’s told I’ll leave him because all women want kids so he will have to give in to me eventually, he should find a proper woman and most recently one woman where he works asked if he would like to meet his daughter who is desperate for children so he could have a chance at a real relationship.

I don’t know why but in broad, general terms men and women see having children very differently and I’m not sure why, especially when (broadly speaking again) being a dad is much easier than being a mum, you’d think it would be women being a little more reluctant and the men being more for it.

BigFatLiar · 21/02/2023 08:11

Having a baby is a major change in your lifestyle. Instead of going out with friends and enjoying yourselves your life revolves around the baby.
Mumsnetters appear to have a thing about choosing partners who are useless but I have to admit that like several others have said my OH loved being dad and now loves being grandad. Feeding times nappies sleeps all just seemed to come natural to him. It may sound wierd on MN but lots of men are really good dads.

Perhaps your partner is just feeling a bit off about the lifestyle changes.

Bard6817 · 21/02/2023 08:15

Kind of a weird post.

See so many posts on here which reflect reality that kids changes everything and guys who fail to adapt and take on extra duties and refuse to be a real parent aren’t great fathers. Rightly labelled so.

Do, if his words are any indication of what’s to come for you - big red flag.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 21/02/2023 08:16

I think we need more info about what he actually said. It could be that he is being realistic and you're actually in validating his feelings. Its possible to both want something, and not look forward to some aspects of it.

I found the baby stage very hard. The lack of time to yourself and flexibility etc. We both made huge lifestyle changes, eg gave up hobbies, stopped travelling so much but sometimes it's the little things that feel like they make a huge difference (no longer being able take an evening walk together for example as one of us always has to be in with the kids and it's not worth getting a babysitter for that).

It depends how negative he was being, but I think it's ok to acknowledge how hard some of it is and mourn that certain aspects of your life that you enjoy will be put on hold for significant periods of time.

In my marriage I was more like your husband, a bit down about the practical elements and he was a lot more 'it will be fine, we will make it work'. I actually coped better than him in the end because I'd been realistic about our lifestyle changes and by the time the baby was there I'd made peace with it. Even then emotionally it was harder than I thought.

Most people say they weren't fully prepared for how much work having a baby is and how hard it's going to be. It sounds like he is. And it's good you're having those practical conversations now, rather than waiting til there is a baby and then falling out because you both think the other one should be doing more night feeds.

It's ok for him to have feelings, I guess it's how he has expressed them that's the issue. But I'd rather have a dose of realism from a partner than someone blindly believing that life will carry on as normal (and then either have a massive shock, or indeed actually expect that their life will carry on as normal while you do the heavy lifting and drudge work)

nofluffsgiven · 21/02/2023 08:16

I never had that with my husband he was on board from the get go (apart from the last baby that was an oops but he came around to it) it sounds like he just isn't ready to be honest.

Theluggage15 · 21/02/2023 08:17

No not all men are like this, a ridiculous generalisation. Sounds like he’s being honest and is really not sure he wants a baby, just like many women don’t want babies.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 21/02/2023 08:23

Well, having kids is a massive thing, so of course he needs to get his head around it. Its will mean significant lifestyle changes and taking on a huge responsibility that will be with him for the rest of his life. I think it's fair enough for him to want to ensure that he is in the right headspace for that. You seem to think that, since you're now "ready", then he should just instantly fall into line.

Tbh, I would question your readiness anyway, given that you don't seem to fully recognise what a significant step you're asking him to take.

Mirabai · 21/02/2023 08:25

The difficulty is that some men with this attitude take to parenthood fine, and some continue in the same vein after kids - trying to avoid childcare, opting out of family life with endless cycling, gym, gaming etc.

I would be totally honest that you’re considering walking over it and see if he pulls himself together. If not you’ve still got time to find someone else.