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Original poster

To hate some of the negative male narrative re having kids

175 replies

ChocChoc889 · 21/02/2023 02:30

I'm 33, friends are starting to have babies/planning to have them soon/talking about it. DP and I had a practical talk about what it would look like, mat leave etc tonight. He's so fucking down about it! Like it's some enormous thing he needs to get his head around. In one breath he says he wants kids and how lovely it is having a family but then he starts getting all negative. All our male friends are the same, joke about how their life is about to end.

And I'm sitting here trying to convince him it'll be fine but you know what, I really want to tell him to FUCK OFF. I'm the one having to carry the baby, taking all the health and career risks, I'm the one having to take maternity leave etc, in the short term it's really shit for me. And I really want someone who's excited and happy and wants to do this with me.

I make 2x times his salary. I have a very supportive mum. I could comfortably go have a baby on my own. And after tonight's conversation, I'm really fucking tempted to walk away. I don't want to be some kind of downer who trapped him for the next 20 years.

Anyone else felt this way? Or are all the men I know a bit shit?

OP posts:
sorcerersapprentice · 21/02/2023 05:47

I suspect deep down he does want them. Men are weird about this sort of stuff. For some, it's like bravado to be ambivalent. My DH was very take it or leave about it all. Now ours are teenagers , we can't imagine not having them.

BadNomad · 21/02/2023 05:50

Men's role in pregnancy is very minimal. They don't get that hormonal bond or experience it growing. It starts for them when the baby is born. And what that means is no more freedom to do whatever they want. No spontaneity. Their relationship with you will change. The next 18+ years of their lives will revolve around the child. It isn't a very exiting prospect if you're not ready for it.

There is a lot of living to do first before a baby will look like a positive next step. Men just seem to be more aware of what sacrifices having a child will mean. Maybe because they don't have that ticking-clock, biological drive that takes over some women.

autienotnaughty · 21/02/2023 06:11

I'd sit down and say you seem really negative about the idea of having children, do you not want tg? Or is it too soon? Also explain how excited you are and that his negativity makes you sad that he doesn't feel the same. If it turns out he doesn't want kids or does want to wait at least you know.

Wishawisha · 21/02/2023 06:18

We weren’t crazily young when we had DC but were still one of the first couples we knew having them. I had one or two friends with children that we saw every now and then, but that was it really. Because of that we didn’t really see the reality of having children in our friends lives so didn’t really have much of a clue…

DH was really (naively) keen on the idea and quite excited. I think if he’d known the reality he might have paused a bit more or asked to wait. He adores the DC and being a father but I don’t think realised the extent to which it would define his life.. We don’t have family help so it’s very much constant and there are many things we both miss.

So I suppose that’s the other side. Even for men who don’t have to go through pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding it’s still huge.

sHREDDIES19 · 21/02/2023 06:24

You should both be on the same page about something so important. It’s like he’s almost prepping you for his slapdash, heart hearted attempt at parenting and supporting the household in the future.

JMSA · 21/02/2023 06:27

But being honest, much of parenthood is just a bit shit.

JMSA · 21/02/2023 06:31

I say that as a woman.

MintJulia · 21/02/2023 06:33

My other half did the 'you wanted a baby, now it's your problem' routine.

He didn't get up once in the night, kicked off spectacularly when I went to get my hair cut every six weeks because he knew he would have to change a nappy, and in the end I couldn't think of a reason to stay.

We left when ds was two, and the really sad thing was that ds didn't notice his dad wasn't around any more. Now ex spends six hours a week with ds but most of that time looking at his phone. Has never been to a parent's evening or carol concert. They have nothing in common.

You need to be really sure ! Having a great relationship is not enough.

InsertSomethingMotivationalHere · 21/02/2023 06:35

I agree, OP, that clichéd male script is so irritating. I firmly believe it's paving the way for down the line when you ask them to pull their weight and help out with the daily slog of raising a child, they can trot out the next inevitable cliché if "you were the one who wanted one..."

kenne · 21/02/2023 06:45

Is he also 33?

It doesn't really sound like he wants to have a child tbh. I can imagine that's disappointing if you are excited and happy about it.

But it is a huge lifestyle change, and extremely challenging, for both parents. He's right about that.

Unlike PP I would urge you not to think "I have plenty of time" or to wait around.

If you wait around for 2 years and then he is still dilly dallying, what are you going to do? Your fertile years will be disappearing as you start from scratch trying to find someone else.

Do you want to be married? Time for another brutally honest conversation I think.

Evergreenlevelbest1 · 21/02/2023 06:51

USaYwHatNow · 21/02/2023 04:55

@setfire i don't think @Evergreenlevelbest1 meant it like that. I think it was meant as a 'there is potential for his earnings to be better' rather than a 'she should be happy with his current earning'

@USaYwHatNow correct, thank you.

Beamur · 21/02/2023 06:52

How disappointing for you OP.
One of the very biggest decisions of your life and he:s ambivalent about it.
I think I would also concerned he:d bring lukewarm enthusiasm to parenting too. .
Once you feel more together I would have a serious conversation about this and decide if it's a deal breaker for your relationship.

FellPuck · 21/02/2023 06:54

You sound a bit naive, your post makes it sound like you aren't asking him for much so why can't he just shut up and go along with it, but you are - you are asking him to completely change his life for you.

Doesn't sound like wants to, and that doesn't make him a bad person. The only thing he's doing wrong here is not being more honest with you about that.

Contrary to what someone else said about "almost no one regrets having kids" there are whole books written filled with stories of people who do, whole FB groups with tens of thousands of people in them posting about it, and however many others too scared to post openly. It's not a thing to step into lightly.

Maray1967 · 21/02/2023 06:54

rexythedinosaur · 21/02/2023 05:28

I think I'd have to ask him very bluntly, 'do you actually want children, or are you just doing this for me?'

If he is not 100% committed and invested in this, it's not going to go well. You are young enough to find someone else if he's not on board.

Dads should be enthusiastic and totally present from day dot, not waiting until the child hits an age where they can speak and be more interactive (a poster above said her DH was only intereted when they hit 2.5, which is absolutely rubbish). I would accept no less for my children.

Show quote history

Exactly this. Mine was great from pregnancy onwards. I would not have tolerated anything less.

Switchwitch · 21/02/2023 06:56

The first two years are very very hard, the first five are difficult. It does change your life. Dh and I haven't sat down together for over 5 years now because we are so tired we just fall asleep in the evenings. We haven't been out together in that time either as we have no babysitters. This is stark contrast to pre-dc when we were at the theater a couple of times a month and went out with friends a lot, slobbed on the sofa etc. I think he's right to feel apprehensive and you should listen to his perspective because it will be amplified considerably once you're facing your 48th hour with no sleep and need someone to hold the baby so you can slump against the bathroom wall (no they don't go in cots, that's a lie)

CleaningOutMyCloset · 21/02/2023 06:59

Have you told him this op? Stop trying to convince him, he either wants to and steps up, acts like a grown up and stops whinging or he doesn't and you go it alone. Sometimes a sharp talking to will do the trick, you're not his mum trying to convince him to wear his coat to school. Tell him all you've said in your op, warts n all, if he doesn't like it then you've plenty of years to do it yourself. I think sometimes men feed off men and it's the done thing to moan about kids

Lemme · 21/02/2023 07:00

He has a valid point! He is worried about losing his life as he knows it - and you know what, he will!
having kids is hard. It changes everything. It’s not very socially acceptable for women to have a negative narrative about having kids but my god if people were honest (with themselves as well as to others) I’m not sure the main narrative would be positive! I say this as a woman with multiple kids who are all quite lovely in their own ways. But the challenges are enormous and my life changed, changed , changed beyond recognition and if anyone had forced or guilt-tripped me into this, I don’t think our relationship could have survived.

Jimboscott0115 · 21/02/2023 07:02

Forever42 · 21/02/2023 03:11

I once read that if it was left to men to decide when to have babies, the human race would have long since died out. They don't seem to get the biological urge like (some) women do.

Vast generalisation but IME men like the airy-fairy concept of being a Dad but don't have much interest in pregnancy or babies. They tend to become more interested when they can play with their children. The decent ones will step up and be helpful and supportive anyway. The rubbish ones will leave you to it.

It is a huge change to your day-to-day lives and maybe the discussion of the reality of taking on the "breadwinner" role for a time has made him worried. I would let it sit for a few days to sink in then have another discussion. Does he really want to keep your current lifestyle forever?

From a man's perspective I think you're pretty much on the money for most men.

The pregnancy and baby parts aren't the same for men as they are women but like you say, you just got to dust yourself down and help out/build the bond because it doesn't always just happen naturally without some effort.

JenniferBarkley · 21/02/2023 07:04

Honestly there IS a lot that's negative about having kids. I don't regret it, but our life (and our house!) is pretty much unrecognisable from the pre kids day. It's really really hard and I think it's wise to be aware of that and fair enough not to be ready.

What's he like now, does he fully pull his weight with the housework, admin, organising plumbers type stuff you have on your plates now? If not, then all the baby stuff is going to fall on you, you see it over and over and over again.

My DH was fully on board and fully pulls his weight but it's still bloody hard. You need to go in with your eyes open.

Redebs · 21/02/2023 07:06

If you're sure you want a child, then you need to do it soon. Your fertility declines sooner than you realise and the risk of birth defects starts to rise in mid to late thirties. It takes a lot of energy to bring up a child on your own and to reestablish a career afterwards.

Don't wait for him. Go for it!

kenne · 21/02/2023 07:08

I always post this chart as it gives good I formation to make decisions about fertility timescales. There are too many women who think they have plenty of time, until it's too late to achieve the family they wanted.

I wanted 2 children, so my DH knew I wanted to be married and TTC by age 33. I wasn't happy with less than 75% chance of getting 2 kids.

To hate some of the negative male narrative re having kids
Beseen22 · 21/02/2023 07:18

I feel this. My DH is an excellent dad now that we are beyond the baby stage but I remember being quite disappointed that he was more like 'ok then we will try to conceive' rather than actually wanting to have a baby. He wasn't the best with the first, I think a lot of that was me taking over and wanting to do everything. With the second he lost his job and I went out to work and he suddenly became so much more competent.

CrackedLookingGlass · 21/02/2023 07:22

And you don’t think women should be more, rather than less, ambivalent and fully exploring the potential for negatives, than men?

Tiddler39 · 21/02/2023 07:29

@ChocChoc889

I’d be questioning whether he’s your man tbh. If he’s not excited at this stage, what will he be like when things get a bit tough?

Unfortunately the narrative around having babies is generally quite negative at the moment. There’s a lot of support for new parents but the focus is often on how incredibly hard parenting is. IMO a lot of the current advice on feeding and sleeping also makes things harder than it needs to be.

My point is that he has probably picked up on the somewhat negative culture surrounding parenthood right now and thinks it’s going to be really hard, forgetting about the many rewards.

Having said this, I would NOT want to have a baby with someone who wasn’t enthusiastic about it, so I think I’d be reconsidering the relationship.

Swiftswatch · 21/02/2023 07:32

No not all men are like this OP.
I hate this narrative, i also hate the same from women when they perpetuate the idea that men don’t really become good dads until the toddler years.
You deserve a man who wants the same things from life as you do and who is happy and excited for it.

If he’s like this now I have a feeling he wouldn’t be stepping up after a baby either.