To hate some of the negative male narrative re having kids

[ChocChoc889]

I'm 33, friends are starting to have babies/planning to have them soon/talking about it. DP and I had a practical talk about what it would look like, mat leave etc tonight. He's so fucking down about it! Like it's some enormous thing he needs to get his head around. In one breath he says he wants kids and how lovely it is having a family but then he starts getting all negative. All our male friends are the same, joke about how their life is about to end.

And I'm sitting here trying to convince him it'll be fine but you know what, I really want to tell him to FUCK OFF. I'm the one having to carry the baby, taking all the health and career risks, I'm the one having to take maternity leave etc, in the short term it's really shit for me. And I really want someone who's excited and happy and wants to do this with me.

I make 2x times his salary. I have a very supportive mum. I could comfortably go have a baby on my own. And after tonight's conversation, I'm really fucking tempted to walk away. I don't want to be some kind of downer who trapped him for the next 20 years.

Anyone else felt this way? Or are all the men I know a bit shit?

Please don’t have a baby with him while he is so reluctant because he will hold that over your head forever, using the narrative of you ‘made him’, especially when things get tough.

This. Tbh, he's probably just being realistic! At least he's going into it with his eyes open.

My opinion is that the things you want most from a partner changes when you get pregnant and have children. Having a partner who goes into this begrudgingly will be extremely difficult and I honestly think now is your chance to find someone who is as positive going into this as you.

Having children changes everything, it's amazing but really hard too, you need a team-mate. If he's already negative you can be fairly sure that when you have children and are sleep and energy deprived and have very little time for yourselves - you could find yourself parenting with a dementor.

Sorry I know this is a negative take - but having children is a totally different phase of a relationship and it you're not convinced he can grow with the change then it will be difficult.

I agree with many of the others that your partner is just being realistic and honest. Having kids IS a huge deal. It completely changes EVERYTHING. I adore my children but many aspects of parenthood are indeed negative. You might not sleep much for a couple of years, you lose your sense of sense, you lose 99% of the free time you had, it can impact friendships, your relationship and you certainly might have to give up hobbies, frequent nights out etc. No more lie ins, no more spontaneity. For the first few years DH and I were just in survival mode. Just when I thought it was getting easier my daughter's going through puberty and I have to say this is the most challenging and worrying part of parenthood so far.
Of course there are many, many positives and I don't regret my children for a ninute but please don't dismiss your partner's feelings. He's absolutely right!

It is a really big thing that he needs to get his head round and a phase of life will be over for sure. I think he’s quite sensible to be cautious and take it all seriously. Much better this way round than people who have kids casually without thinking about the consequences.

The truth about children is somewhere in the middle of the two extremes. It is both wonderfully rewarding and really tough in equal measure. Neither the rose-tinted view of some women who want a baby nor the pessimistic view of some men who are going to "stop being open of the lads" is correct.

OP- you need to have a proper discussion with your partner, make sure that this is right for you both and that you are both taking a realistic view of having children.

Realistic and honest is not the same as negative and “down” about it.

And I don’t know why some posters are treating OP as some twerp who doesn’t know having kids is a challenge.

Maybe he is anxious about it. It would be weird if he wasn't. It's a huge life changing thing to do.

@ChocChoc889

"And I'm sitting here trying to convince him it'll be fine but you know what, I really want to tell him to FUCK OFF. I'm the one having to carry the baby, taking all the health and career risks, I'm the one having to take maternity leave"

Do you really want a baby? It's not mandatory you know.

Well speaking as the child of a Southern European father he is probably quite upbeat about it because he expects his wife to do most of the gruntwork when it comes to home and child-rearing.

I definitely agree with this.

I don’t think some men have the same biological urge to procreate and thus tend to see just pressure when the topic of kids come up.

IME when I’ve raised it with my mid 30s partner it’s like he’s shocked that the discussion has come up and has even said it’s an insane amount of pressure. I earn more than him and perhaps that’s part of the difficulty. He feels that he wants to be in a better job before having kids but makes no effort to getting that better job. Instead just complains and does nothing. I’m 35 and can’t wait forever.

I think if it were left to some men the human race would have died out. I see all the pros and negatives of having kids but more pros.

Tbh OP he’s not wrong! There are so many downsides to having kids, especially at the beginning. DC is now 18 months and a delight but the first 6 months were hell for us. I think it really helps to go in with very low expectations, then if you get an “easy” baby you will be pleasantly surprised!

My DH is wonderful, a fantastic husband and a brilliant Dad. But I can honestly say I don’t think he would have ever said let’s have a baby, he was quite happy the way things were, he worried about my health in having a baby, worried about finances, worried about becoming parents changing our relationship (yes I agree relationships do change after becoming parents, not for the worst, but they evolve, as it’s not just two anymore) Our two DS’ are grown up now and we both love them to bits, neither of us have any regrets. Good luck OP.

If you aren't the first in your group of friends to have a baby your boyfriend's friend's will have told him about the reality. The reality is it's hard. We have 3 children, we chose to have 3, we wanted 3 and yes they are the best thing that ever happened to us, no regrets etc etc. BUT the reality of having them is very different to the pictures we post on social media, don't get me wrong we do lots together and have lots of fun but our relationship has come second for 7 years now (how old our eldest is). Thankfully we met at uni and were together 11 years before we had kids and we were married before too. We were in a solid relationship and a good place to have kids. Have they tested our relationship? Yes, they have. We'd never break up but we've had rocky periods due to lack of sleep, zero time alone, no time or energy to be a couple nevermind have sex. Its like living in parallel when you are in the fog of small kids.

I think your boyfriend is being realistic here, this is good, not a bad thing, hes thinking about the reality not the happy fantasy. Oh and why aren't you married? You are saying how it's all a risk to your career etc but you aren't married? Why? You can share your maternity leave (if you aren't breastfeeding) you work and he has the baby, you won't have the same financial hit if you are the breadwinner. You don't have to do the traditional roles now if you don't want to.

I think loads of me are totally "meh" over having kids and just kind of get dragged into it by the woman...an occupational hazard of being married for them.

*men

Sounds like his subtext is "and the woman does all the work while the man's life continues unchanged" 🤣

Don't get stuck in the stone age OP!

How is the relationship with his parents? Did his dad pull his weight growing up or did mum do it all?

If his parents had that type of dynamic then you're fighting an uphill battle. Think very hard before engaging with that.

Well he's right though. It is a positive thing, but it's also a negative thing in terms of your relationship. It doesn't matter how proactive, supportive and caring he is, you will likely still go through a really rough patch.

Having kids is excellent but your first turns your life UPSIDE DOWN. You really have no idea about this until it happens, but you can try to prepare yourself.

You should both be thinking realistically about it.

I agree.

There are lots of negatives/scary thoughts before you have kids though. On paper, there are lots of reasons not to! And it's really good that he sees those but wants to do it anyway, instead of looking through rose tinted specs and being surprised at the reality of it.

I say that as someone with 3 kids, I love having children! But before having them, particularly before having the 3rd, I thought about the negative side to it. So did my husband. But we discussed it and decided it was what we did actually want. How I feel about my kids now is very, very different to how I thought about the idea of hypothetical children.

The reality is that there are huge negatives to being responsible for another person for 18 plus years.
Very limited freedom, opportunity, agency etc. And the relentless grind.

Gosh, I would much rather have a DP who actually seemed to grasp what a huge upheaval having DC is. I’d be far more concerned by a partner who seemed to have no real understanding of how difficult having DC is and we’re overly positive and dismissive of reality. They would be in for a massive shock.

This isn’t my experience at all. My DH would have had children years before I was ready and was really excited to be a dad.

Out of my friends there is a pretty even split of men and women longing for a second whilst their partners are more reluctant too.

It is the men in your life/lives. I couldn't wait and was like a kid at xmas. No negativity here.

I think it's quite useful to have his current state of mind as a guide. Because if he's iffy about it now, wait until he's tired, and there's a screaming potato in the house that takes priority over everything.

I credit MN with my current childless state. I'd probably have bungled into it much earlier if I hadn't read threads here to put me off.

But my life now is much more suited to a child - there's no going out to give up on, especially. We've seen friends cope and talked strategies - what we liked and disliked. We're now realistic and ready, which is far better than optimistic and enthusiastic!