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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asking him to get rid of his dog after 7 years?

483 replies

Uktousa2022 · 20/02/2023 16:00

I am moving to the USA to be with my fiance. He has a pitbull/lab who has previously bit a little yorkie, the yorkie did start the fight, however unfortunately the yorkie died because the pitbull punctured a lung after 1 bite.

I have 2 cavalier dogs. I have extreme anxiety about taking my 2 dogs over there to live with this dog that has previously bit before. My fiancé says it was a total one off, he has since been neutered and is older now, and it was the other dogs fault. I have met the dog and it does pretty much sleep all day.

I just don't know if I can live my life anxious always watching my dogs around this dog - It is a small house - I really don't know how to get over this as we are both refusing to rehome our dogs. He does have family nearby that he could probably give him too, I would be going out to the US with just my dogs.

OP posts:
IAmMeThisIsI · 20/02/2023 17:41

That Pitbull is only that way because he's keeping it in a crate all day long anyway. Why does the dog need a crate? Is it chewing everything up? Dogs kept in crates all the time get snappy and angry and depressed. He's to blame for the dog being a killer too.

However, the giving up your whole life and the substitute being "his friends and family" is a lot for you to sacrifice. But he won't sacrifice a dog? I understand he loves the dog. But it's a killer. A killer that for some reason he keeps crated all day.

I feel for you OP. It's a tough one. But you're going to end up giving up your whole life AND your two babies (dogs) and he's giving up not one thing!

pursudebyablackdog · 20/02/2023 17:41

What type of visa are you going out on? I only ask because if you break up (and I think it's probable you will) your visa maybe nullified.
Have you got a firm offer of a job in the US?
I think the dog(s) is (are) the least of you worries. Also which State are you going to? I only ask because the US is huge and you might need to consider how your dogs will acclimatise as some States are humid, some very hot, some very cold!
How well do you know this guy? How long have you been together? If you are in the UK or Ireland why doesn't he move?

CinderellaFant · 20/02/2023 17:42

Would you be able to move over there as a trial without your dogs? Would your family keep them, say for 3 months or so?
It would give you a chance to settle in, see if you like it and get to know and build a bond with his dog. Spend time with the dog and see what he's like around other dogs and not in a cage! Then if you feel it would be a good idea to bring yours over, you could.

CousinKrispy · 20/02/2023 17:42

OP I really appreciate that you are coming back to this thread, I know it probably hurts to hear some of our statements, but I admire that you are willing to think about them and respond.

Your fiance is so, so wrong about it not being a huge deal for you to become an expat. I think a lot of us make this mistake, partly because the US and UK have (more or less...) the same language. Culture shock and homesickness are HUGE. The cultural differences are significant. Starting your life over again and having to form your own friendships and forge a new career path (which can also be really different in the US ... will you be working for your current employer remotely?) is absolutely a huge thing.

Many Americans are very naive about this, partly because a lot of us don't travel much outside the US. He could be in for a very rude awakening when you go through difficulties because you miss your friends and family, you hate the cockroaches and mosquitoes and snakes, the supermarkets are different, gun culture is really weird to you, the sense of humour is different, your taxes don't fund your healthcare, etc.

I know Brits who have managed this successfully. I have settled in the UK (no other choice, my ex wouldn't give me permission to move back to the US with our child, understandably). But if I could live my life over, I would not make this choice again and if you are feeling anxious and depressed now, that is nothing to what it will be like to experience culture shock and homesickness with a stubborn partner who doesn't have a clue.

ArrrMeHearties · 20/02/2023 17:42

Regardless of breed of dog or indeed cat if pets were reversed if my partner gave me that ultimatum they would be told to get lost

Guis · 20/02/2023 17:42

Uktousa2022 · 20/02/2023 16:57

In regards to the kids thing, I asked him this before. His answer was "My dog will defend that baby to the death of him because he knows it is my kid and part of me" - not sure I agree

Show quote history

Do you agree with him OP? Are you happy to take the risk, the gamble ?

TangledWebOfDeception · 20/02/2023 17:43

God it sounds like a nightmare; don't do it!!

He's thick, we've established that; you're giving up your whole life for this very problematic situation, on top of it you've never lived with him, and apparently want to have children with him 'soon'...

How many times have you actually met this man??

Patienceisntvirtuous · 20/02/2023 17:43

CousinKrispy · 20/02/2023 17:07

Yeah, I don't think there's any evidence of that.

I know most of MN will disagree with me, but I owned and fostered pitbull mixes for many years when I lived in America and they can be wonderful family pets when handled appropriately (and if the individual dog has a good nature). But the owner must be 100% sensible and responsible.

This guy has already ducked responsibility (the Yorkie was "an asshole"), doesn't provide his dog with adequate socialization and interaction, and believes weird shit about it. The dog itself isn't the problem, the man is the problem, and he would still be a problem without this specific dog.

It is totally OK to stop and rethink the relationship.

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I agree with all of this.

This guy is irresponsible and showing signs of severe emotional immaturity.

Also the problem I see with pitbulls and other such breeds is they're incredibly strong. Any dog can turn in the wrong hands, but a strong breed is far more capable of doing damage, and in the wrong hands that's a combination of factors that lead to disaster. I'd sooner fancy my chances pulling an unruly Yorkie off a baby than a pit.

This one is in the wrong hands.

Also if the dog is a sleepy, older type-it probably isn't going to accept your dogs readily for that reason. It may well be fine with a baby if one was to appear in the vicinity now, but not once its equilibrium has been shattered by two more lively dogs who will likely be getting all your attention and be coming in smelling of the outside when said pittie is cooped up all day. Combine this with your fiancé being irresponsible and lacking in moral judgment and no, this is very unlikely to work, for many many reasons.

Mumoffairy · 20/02/2023 17:45

You cant say youre a dog lover and move in with a man who is borderline abusive to his dog. Poor animal locked in a cage all day. Something like this would give me the rage and i could never like let alone love someone like this.

pursudebyablackdog · 20/02/2023 17:46

Ah just seen you've previously lived in the states so ignore me.
Good luck with whatever you decide OP.

Original poster
Uktousa2022 · 20/02/2023 17:47

pursudebyablackdog · 20/02/2023 17:46

Ah just seen you've previously lived in the states so ignore me.
Good luck with whatever you decide OP.

Only when I was 9 for 2 years, so not familiar with taxes etc

OP posts:
IAmMeThisIsI · 20/02/2023 17:48

I REALLY want to know why the dog is in a crate all the time, OP? Is it naughty? Untrained? What's the reason for being so cruel?

Original poster
Uktousa2022 · 20/02/2023 17:49

WilsonMilson · 20/02/2023 17:34

Well, sorry to be the rolling eyed voice of reason here, but this seems to be the least of your issues.

If this guy has had a dog for 7 years and lives in the US, and you have dogs and live in the UK, then how the hell did you meet (don’t tell me, let me guess…..online) and how much time have you actually spent together in real life?? Again….not much I would guess.

Yet, here you are, giving up your job, your family and potentially your dogs, for a man who you likely don’t really know and fucking off to the US, desperate to procreate.

Disaster waiting to happen. Honestly, wake up and and get a grip.

My brothers wedding in September is how we met. My brother lives over there. Not online..

OP posts:
Original poster
Uktousa2022 · 20/02/2023 17:50

IAmMeThisIsI · 20/02/2023 17:48

I REALLY want to know why the dog is in a crate all the time, OP? Is it naughty? Untrained? What's the reason for being so cruel?

Bcause it wees in the house, apparently separation anxiety, however, now I sort of made him see sense and told him mine arent in a crate all day etc, he now leaves him out most days, and he hasnt peed, so luckily the dog is being left out more and more!

OP posts:
Boomboom22 · 20/02/2023 17:50

Take heed of the culture shock advice. Also values, sounds like he is enmeshed with his family. States vary, as do rural areas. Is his family aligned with your views on equality, women's rights and abortion? Sorry but the pit bull and car shop sound like they may live in a very republican area? Plus USA USA opposite of British self deprication.

SmurfingGoodTime · 20/02/2023 17:50

Uktousa2022 · 20/02/2023 16:31

Potentially, but even he admits in the UK people treat dogs like children, whereas in the US they just have a dog to have a dog in the home. My life does sort of revolve around my dogs, and if anything happend, knowing i put them in that stiatuion, i would feel terrible. They have a good life here. Crazy I know

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This isn't true - at all. Yes there are people that have dogs that are crated all day and given minimal exercise, but not everyone treats dogs like this in the US. It's not a mono culture.

I stayed in the UK to marry my husband. It's not always been easy. Do you really want to give up your dogs, that are essential to your mental health, to be with this man?

Merryoldgoat · 20/02/2023 17:51

The lack of people’s ability to make good choices for themselves blows my mind on a daily basis.

@Uktousa2022 You sound like you are making some truly bad decisions.

EmmaDilemma5 · 20/02/2023 17:51

MrLbz · 20/02/2023 16:01

If i was him and you were making me choose between you and my dog. I'll choose my dog.

Has your dog killed another dog? No? Not comparable then.

OP - it looks like you're at a stale mate. I'm not sure what I'd do in your situation to be honest. I guess, if you're prepared to move back here if it doesn't work, I'd move over with your dogs and see what happens. If your partner's dog shows any signs of aggression or agitation, then you'll both have a decision to make...

In the meantime I'd think about having separate areas for the first time together while they get used to sharing a space together.

Fernand · 20/02/2023 17:51

So you’ve known him for 7 months and are giving up everything to move over with him and sort all these dog issues. And have a baby soon? Please just take a step back and think a bit more about all this.

Thesharkradar · 20/02/2023 17:51

Uktousa2022 · 20/02/2023 17:01

He said the pitbull will "defend" his baby because he will protect it and love it like his own, because he will be able to sense that it is his kid.

Show quote history

he's as dumb as a rock, dont give up everything to be with this proto-hominid, you'll end up being fed to his dog
really dont do it
he's lying about the attack

Boomboom22 · 20/02/2023 17:52

Plus he doesn't get why his friends and family are not a replacement for your own. Again with the cultural clash. Individualism and neoliberalism all the way in USA which is quite different to our in nany ways almost socialist system of NHS, education and uc.

JellyBeanFactory · 20/02/2023 17:52

Have you spent some time in other his dog? I have met many bully-type breeds, some I'd not worry about at all and some I'd be very wary of. What was your gut feeling about the dog?

If you have spent time in the US, who cares for your dogs while you were away? Would they be willing to foster yours for a while until you have settled and are more sure?

Merryoldgoat · 20/02/2023 17:52

You met him at a wedding in SEPTEMBER? And you’re moving out there?

This is a joke, isn’t it?

Sarahcoggles · 20/02/2023 17:52

Hang on - your brother's wedding in September? September 2022? So you've known him for less than 6 months and you're giving up your whole life to be with him? Don't do this OP. Dogs aside, this has disaster written all over it.

Somethingneedstochange78 · 20/02/2023 17:52

Sorry but the dog was in his life first. It's like parents who have young children and a dog. It's the parents responsibility to keep them separated if they aren't in the same room. So it's both your responsibility to keep them separate when you can't supervise them. Just feel how the poor dog will feel. Having a strange woman and two dogs invading his home.