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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asking him to get rid of his dog after 7 years?

483 replies

Uktousa2022 · 20/02/2023 16:00

I am moving to the USA to be with my fiance. He has a pitbull/lab who has previously bit a little yorkie, the yorkie did start the fight, however unfortunately the yorkie died because the pitbull punctured a lung after 1 bite.

I have 2 cavalier dogs. I have extreme anxiety about taking my 2 dogs over there to live with this dog that has previously bit before. My fiancé says it was a total one off, he has since been neutered and is older now, and it was the other dogs fault. I have met the dog and it does pretty much sleep all day.

I just don't know if I can live my life anxious always watching my dogs around this dog - It is a small house - I really don't know how to get over this as we are both refusing to rehome our dogs. He does have family nearby that he could probably give him too, I would be going out to the US with just my dogs.

OP posts:
Ludo19 · 20/02/2023 19:27

KettrickenSmiled · 20/02/2023 18:14

Oh FFS.

You have not answered anybody about whether you have work lined up, whether you are even eligible for work, how you will get a green card, when you plan to marry, why you are "in love" with a man who neglects his dog & sounds as thick as 2 planks with an aggressive fantasy about his dog's 'baby-protecting nature' who you have never cohabited with & seem to know next to nothing about ...

You say you met this loon at My brothers wedding in September ... so now, despite having only known him for 6 months you are planning to get knocked up.

What are you going to do if the relationship goes sour? Or his dog eats one of your dogs? Or he leaves you pregnant, with no green card, & unable to return home because you are now carrying his baby/have birthed his child, & he refuses to let you tale that child out of his country?

You would be fucking insane to go & shack up with this near-stranger.
You fallback plan seems to be "I'll just be dependent on my brother".
Your brother won't protect you from laws preventing you from taking this bloke's child out of the country when the relationship goes tits up. Nor will he be around to stop your dogs being savaged. You just haven't thought this through at all - I wonder if it's an exercise in fantasy, & you're winding everyone up.

Show quote history

Well said but I think OP is either living in a fantasy or just being singularly obtuse.

Guis · 20/02/2023 19:29

Uktousa2022 · 20/02/2023 19:17

Thanks this is really consructive and I appreciate it. I say lose job/give up job because my boss has said there is a chance i wont be rehired, all depends on how long my work permit takes to come through, she isnt willing to wait forever.

I am aware of the maternity, annual leave etc. Thanks. Time will tell. I think i need to tell my boss because she was assuming i would go at the end of the month, im really not sure what to tell her now, im sort of embarrased..

I hope he comes round to seeing more where i am coming from, and suggesting ways to overcome it. his attitude at the moment is its all going to be fine, im worrying over nothing, we will make it work whatever we have to do etc.

Show quote history

Better to feel embarrassed but also feel a sense of relief. But no need to feel embarrassed at all. This is your life.

Nothing wrong whatsoever with a 'on reflection' moment. If that makes you feel better. A change of heart. It is actually mature and sensible to reflect and reconsider. Especially if plans are very life changing.

Fancysauce · 20/02/2023 19:31

If you split up after having a baby, he can prevent you from leaving the country with the child.

Testina · 20/02/2023 19:31

“He also owns his own business hence why he couldnt move here.”

Well it’s daddy’s business really, isn’t it?
Even if dad employed in son’s business (unusual way round though) it’s just a car garage 🤷🏻‍♀️ he could get a manager in.

But you’re not worth relocating for.

Think on that, before you give up everything here for him.

A man who doesn’t even treat a poor dog well 🙄

I don’t know any dog owners that would date let alone move for someone who treats their dog badly.

niugboo · 20/02/2023 19:32

dawngreen · 20/02/2023 19:20

One bite from a larger dog do's not make it a killer. But you both should try what I suggested, and you can put a muzzle on the terrier. I would not give up every thing to move to another country.

@dawngreen it does when it literally killed a dog!

Desertbarncat · 20/02/2023 19:35

If you aren’t willing to give up your dogs, why should he have to? You are worried over nothing, and it’s really unfair to the dogs.

Patienceisntvirtuous · 20/02/2023 19:37

In fairness, a small dog can die from just one bite, doesn't necessarily mean the Pit was going in for the kill. It is unusual though as in, most larger dogs with nice temperaments see small dogs a bit like they see puppies and wouldn't harm one.

I'm not scared of pits or bull breeds generally, but they're incredibly strong. And even the most mild-mannered of dogs can get aggressive when dogs invade their own space. This will be especially bad for a dog that's being mistreated like this one. OP, you're a dog lover but you want him to rehome his dog-have you thought about what could happen to it with all the kill shelters in the USA (depending on what state he's in, not sure if you've mentioned)? How can you be a dog lover and wanting him to put his dog through such a traumatic event? How can you want to be with someone who treats an animal with such disrespect?

I agree with others, I think you must be mad to even be considering this whole thing after knowing him such a short period of time. Is there more to this?

And also, sorry but it is the first thread I've ever read and thought 'this can't be real!' I just can't get my head around why you'd be considering this move, especially for someone you barely know-dog or no dog!

ActiveDiscus · 20/02/2023 19:37

Your partner is a complete bellend if he thinks his dog will know that any baby is his.

However, you shouldn't be considering even for a second having a baby if you have a resource-guarding dog, either.

Some of the things people do are completely unbelievable.

Cas112 · 20/02/2023 19:40

I hope he chooses the dog

WilsonMilson · 20/02/2023 19:41

Everyone, can we just forget the dog issue. The op is about to do one of the stupidest things I’ve ever read on here, and God knows I’ve read some batshit stuff.

OP, please for the love of God do not give up your life to go to the USA to live with some random you’ve known since September, and with whom you have created an entirely fictitious and are desperate to have kids with.

You are on the brink of making a massive mistake and need to wake up very quickly and get all the grips possible. Jeez.

Stompythedinosaur · 20/02/2023 19:42

Of course you can't do that. If your pets won't get along, then you shouldn't move in together.

Monzeitia · 20/02/2023 19:43

100% all the way

GettingItOutThere · 20/02/2023 19:43

PuttingOnTheKitsch · 20/02/2023 16:15

YANBU. He has a pitbull. They are not like other dogs.

People can say "Deed not breed" all they like, those dogs are banned here for a very good reason. Weirdly, these dogs bite/maim/savage/kill loads of animals and people but it is miraculously never, ever the dog's fault.

However, this may well be a deal breaker as I can see why he would not want to part with his dog.

this - i would not have my dogs anywhere near this dog

are you having kids with this man?

You are giving up everything for him - i wouldnt go!

Stopthebusplease · 20/02/2023 19:46

OP, can I ask how old you are please?

butterpuffed · 20/02/2023 19:46

How many times have you seen this man in person apart from at your brother's wedding in September?

KettrickenSmiled · 20/02/2023 19:48

butterpuffed · 20/02/2023 19:46

How many times have you seen this man in person apart from at your brother's wedding in September?

OP's ignored that Q a few times now, she's clearly too embarrassed to say, even on an anonymous forum.

Although I'm kinda hoping it's a fictional wind-up, the alternative is distressing.

GettingItOutThere · 20/02/2023 19:49

just read the updates OP - you are insaine to have met this man once? and moving everything accross the world for him.

A man who would put a childs life in danger beacuse of this dog - no moron in the world would have this dog around a kids

so your dogs dont stand a chance.

Give this up, give HIM up and work on yourself and meet someone in the same country. Plenty of men over here!

purpledalmation · 20/02/2023 19:49

Why on Earth are you with someone who owns a pit bull terrier? It's usually pathetic half men who need to bolster their ego with a dog capable of killing.

Merryoldgoat · 20/02/2023 19:51

@Uktousa2022

why have you posted this 3/4 times? What do you hope to get from all these threads?

Original poster
Uktousa2022 · 20/02/2023 19:52

KettrickenSmiled · 20/02/2023 19:48

OP's ignored that Q a few times now, she's clearly too embarrassed to say, even on an anonymous forum.

Although I'm kinda hoping it's a fictional wind-up, the alternative is distressing.

Show quote history

I have seen him for 2 weeks a time, about 4 diff occasions, twice he has come here

OP posts:
purpledalmation · 20/02/2023 19:53

If you split up,with this man further down the line are you prepared to leave your children with him in America? Transatlantic custody battles can be very expensive.

Sounds bonkers to me. You clearly know very little about him.

RedDogBlueDog · 20/02/2023 19:54

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

Solonge · 20/02/2023 19:54

Why should he give up his dog? you are moving out to him, you give up your dogs? not something you would consider? well I expect he wouldnt either. Its like giving up a family member. Frankly a partner that even asked that would be dropped by me, pronto.

Original poster
Uktousa2022 · 20/02/2023 19:55

Patienceisntvirtuous · 20/02/2023 19:37

In fairness, a small dog can die from just one bite, doesn't necessarily mean the Pit was going in for the kill. It is unusual though as in, most larger dogs with nice temperaments see small dogs a bit like they see puppies and wouldn't harm one.

I'm not scared of pits or bull breeds generally, but they're incredibly strong. And even the most mild-mannered of dogs can get aggressive when dogs invade their own space. This will be especially bad for a dog that's being mistreated like this one. OP, you're a dog lover but you want him to rehome his dog-have you thought about what could happen to it with all the kill shelters in the USA (depending on what state he's in, not sure if you've mentioned)? How can you be a dog lover and wanting him to put his dog through such a traumatic event? How can you want to be with someone who treats an animal with such disrespect?

I agree with others, I think you must be mad to even be considering this whole thing after knowing him such a short period of time. Is there more to this?

And also, sorry but it is the first thread I've ever read and thought 'this can't be real!' I just can't get my head around why you'd be considering this move, especially for someone you barely know-dog or no dog!

I mean i get the judgement, its on every other comment, im just trying to focus on the question i actually asked. In all fairness I have known couples to be together months before getting married and lasting longer than couples that knew each other 7 years.... also it has worked out for my bro who actually only met his fiance once! I love my fiance and we have spent a fair bit of time together, face time every single morning and night, and he has come here to the UK to propose

OP posts:
ConfusedNT · 20/02/2023 19:56

Pit bulls make up 5.8% of the dog population in the US but are responsible for 80% of human deaths from dog attacks and when they do kill they usually kill their owner or their family members

You would be mad to have a baby in a house with a pit bull who has already killed a dog and a man who clearly has no grasp on the risks