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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How much £ would you give DM in these circumstances?

601 replies

StereoTie · 19/02/2023 21:14

Have NC this but regular poster. Would appreciate opinions on this situation.

If adult daughter in 40s who was financially comfortable with two DC and a DH who was a high earner had a windfall of £20,000 (not as a result of work or anything related, some good fortune) would you expect that daughter to give her only remaining living parent (70) any of the money?

Background is the daughter and mother are very close, the DM is struggling financially and hasn't worked much since covid and now lives on her pension. The daughter and her husband have a large mortgage but can afford to pay for it plus other luxuries. They have two DC who have everything they need.

No other siblings involved.

OP posts:
Eyerollcentral · 20/02/2023 21:27

DancingDaughter50 · 20/02/2023 21:14

@Eyerollcentral totally agree.

I'm amazed that so many posters feel op has done something wrong.
Disaster can strike at any time and in any way. There by the grace of God go we.

None of us can possibly know what situation we will be in at 70.

Yes exactly. I’ve known people who had to give up work to care for relatives and worked hard all their lives from the age of 16. Despite what some may think it’s not so easy to get back in to a job in your 60s and later and many carers are caught in a trap when the person they are looking after for a pittance does and they are too young to get their pension. They have to spend their savings to survive. Workplace pensions only became mandatory within the last ten or so years. Many people didn’t have any occupational pension before that. It’s sad to read a lot of the comments

Eyerollcentral · 20/02/2023 21:27

*dies

DancingDaughter50 · 20/02/2023 21:31

So many other factors like health, depression etc.

Life is really not kind or easy to many older people and if someone is struggling do to them what you would like someone to do for you..

If I could stop paying for all my dc extras right now I would have a half decent chance of putting something away for my old age. I can't because dc are only young once!

I would hope if we enter another cost of living crisis and I'm 70 my dc would chuck me one off money if I needed it.

UsingChangeofName · 20/02/2023 21:45

EffortlessDesmond · 20/02/2023 21:03

If it was my family, whose circumstances I know and understand, I would have given my mum some fun money, from my windfall. But my mum is 88, so her idea of fun money is a new pair of flat shoes. If she needed new hearing aids, I would pay for those, which would cost about £3k, or new glasses at about £600 for varifocal lenses. Or I might take her for a nice weekend away. But just to spread the money to her to spend when it's not needed would be a waste. I am not being dismissive of my ma in this.

Absolutely this.

Plus, of course, if the OP's dd is able to pay down a good chunk of her mortgage, she will have more readily available money to help her mother out if she needs it in the future.

UsingChangeofName · 20/02/2023 21:50

I would hope if we enter another cost of living crisis and I'm 70 my dc would chuck me one off money if I needed it.

I think that is the crux of it "IF I needed it"

The OP hasn't given us any reason to believe she has had a difficult life or some misfortune which has left her 'in need'.
She says she and her dd are 'close'.

I suggest that if they are 'close' and if the OP "needed" it, then the dd would give her some money.
However, I am getting the impression the OP would just like to have some free money, and doesn't really see that the dd's dh being a relatively high earner, (and we don't know how high that is, or where their house is, in terms of what it might be costing them), might not mean that the dd and her dh have loads of spare money lying around to be able to give to her, rather than using whatever this windfall is for a sensible reason.

letthemalldoone · 20/02/2023 21:58

Eyerollcentral · 20/02/2023 21:27

Yes exactly. I’ve known people who had to give up work to care for relatives and worked hard all their lives from the age of 16. Despite what some may think it’s not so easy to get back in to a job in your 60s and later and many carers are caught in a trap when the person they are looking after for a pittance does and they are too young to get their pension. They have to spend their savings to survive. Workplace pensions only became mandatory within the last ten or so years. Many people didn’t have any occupational pension before that. It’s sad to read a lot of the comments

Show quote history

I'm amazed at how dismissive some posters are!!

I went to uni in the first half of the 1980s and it was something like the top 5% who went to uni. Job opportunities were limited, even with a degree. Pensions weren't given the same emphasis as they are now, and none of us had a crystal ball to see into the future.

I'm 10+ years younger than the OP and I sure as hell don't want to be working into my 70s! I've either worked or studied alongside bringing up children all of my life, and it's time for me, before I'm not fit to do any of the things I want to in my life. As far as savings are concerned, all the years of childcare followed immediately by uni have done nothing to enhance our ability to save - but both of us should have a reasonable (though not exceptional) pension.

My own mother worked until forced to retire through ill-health, dying long before she reached 70. My parents supported me whenever I needed it all my life, and I would definitely have given mum more than £500 depending on her circumstances at the time (doubt she would have taken it, but...)

I think expecting £5k is excessive but am sure the DD could have been more generous, depending on her closeness to her mother and what she may have given up to give her the best in her life (assuming she did).

SchoolQuestionnaire · 20/02/2023 21:59

CatherinedeBourgh · 20/02/2023 19:00

My mother is in her late 70s still working and saving money.

I don't think the daughter should give her mother anything other than possibly paying a bill if her mother can't do it. Daughter has a mortgage and kids, even if they have everything they need now she could set the money aside for them, they will be grateful for it when they get to uni or to buying their first home.

Mother was doing OK without the money too, it's the daughter's windfall not the mothers. If it was going to be shared among the family, it should be shared equally between the daughter, her dh, her dc and (maybe) the mother, not just between the daughter and the mother. But I don't think it should be shared.

This.

My lovely, recently departed mum wouldn’t have taken a penny from us. I would absolutely have offered but she would have told me to put it away for the kids. If I’d even bought her a small token with it (which again I absolutely would have done) she would have given me an utter bollocking and told me that she didn’t need anything but the kids might do one day so I should save it for them.

She was in her 70’s and continued to work. She had plenty of savings and a good pension but kept going because in her words ‘I can work now but one day I might not be so lucky’. She would have been appalled at the op’s attitude and entitlement. What kind of person begrudges their own dc and dgc a bit of good fortune?

SchoolQuestionnaire · 20/02/2023 22:16

Eyerollcentral · 20/02/2023 19:26

You know nothing about the OP’s life before this point. For example you don’t know that she isn’t in NI. You are viewing everything through the prism of your own life experiences. I have at least acknowledged that many women didn’t have the opportunity to earn and save in the past as they do now. I don’t agree the OP is unreasonable or greedy. As I have said I would be embarrassed to hand my mother £500 when I had come in to £20,000 were I in the daughter’s position in this scenario.

Show quote history

I’d be embarrassed to take £500 from one of my dc. I’d be even more embarrassed complaining online that her kind gesture wasn’t enough and begrudging her a bit of good luck because I’d expected to snatch half of the windfall away from her and her own young family. Different strokes and all that.

Eyerollcentral · 20/02/2023 22:21

SchoolQuestionnaire · 20/02/2023 22:16

I’d be embarrassed to take £500 from one of my dc. I’d be even more embarrassed complaining online that her kind gesture wasn’t enough and begrudging her a bit of good luck because I’d expected to snatch half of the windfall away from her and her own young family. Different strokes and all that.

Show quote history

Would you be embarrassed if you were skint? Why?

AIBUNo · 20/02/2023 22:34

JimHensonWasAGenius · 20/02/2023 21:20

@AIBUNo
My DCs are mid 30s and I know everything about their outgoings. Right down to the their income/ salary.

Is that really true? 😲

Not sure why you are so shocked.
Neither DC is married yet and we are helping them with buying homes. So all savings and income are on the table.

And yes, when they get a bonus or pay rise, they tell us and are very happy for them.

AIBUNo · 20/02/2023 22:37

@Eyerollcentral You have spent your entire evening on this thread.

Making up every possible scenario about the OP, or other women around her age, but she hasn't bothered to even reply to any comments for days.

You might also want to update yourself on pensions. They are no longer mandatory for employees and many young people now in work do not have one.

There has always been the option to invest (even small monthly amounts) into a private pension and the government provides tax relief on this and top it up by 20%- free money.

Eyerollcentral · 20/02/2023 22:45

AIBUNo · 20/02/2023 22:37

@Eyerollcentral You have spent your entire evening on this thread.

Making up every possible scenario about the OP, or other women around her age, but she hasn't bothered to even reply to any comments for days.

You might also want to update yourself on pensions. They are no longer mandatory for employees and many young people now in work do not have one.

There has always been the option to invest (even small monthly amounts) into a private pension and the government provides tax relief on this and top it up by 20%- free money.

Entire evening?! Afraid not, I’ve just looked at notifications when I’ve had a spare minute from doing other things. People living on low incomes historically were unlikely to have the excess income to invest in a private pension. I haven’t made up any thing about the OP, I’ve pointed out there are any number of reasons that someone can find themselves short of money in their retirement. Seems to me that you are very tied to your very narrow view of life and resent the fact that others have differing views based on their experiences of life.

Jellykat · 20/02/2023 22:51

I personally wouldnt accept a bean from my children.. even though i'm by myself and struggle financially, and they both earn treble what i do.
I'd rather they put it by for emergencies etc especially if they had 2 children (my grandchildren) and a big mortgage. They might be comfortable now, but who knows what the future may bring.

Tourmalines · 20/02/2023 23:05

Why has the OP not come on to answer any questions?

FiveShelties · 20/02/2023 23:46

Tourmalines · 20/02/2023 23:05

Why has the OP not come on to answer any questions?

Wind up?

Livinginanotherworld · 20/02/2023 23:47

If my daughter came into a little windfall like that, I would be thrilled for her….it wouldn’t even enter my head to expect anything for myself…£500 is very generous when she has a mortgage and children. I’m sorry to say, you are coming over as very entitled and grabby. I’m embarrassed for you.

Socrateswasrightaboutvoting · 20/02/2023 23:54

OP has been deliberately evasive. Reducing your mortgage to minimise the impact of interest rate rise and for your general security is almost always the best option whist interest rates are as they are. I would be pleased and grateful to DD if I had been given £500. Its £500 more that I was expecting. In the absence of any further information, best guess is that OP is grabby, and entitled.

Tourmalines · 21/02/2023 00:06

FiveShelties · 20/02/2023 23:46

Wind up?

Show quote history

NO .

picklemewalnuts · 21/02/2023 06:45

It's an unhealthy dynamic, to feel you are so close you know everything about your DD and deserve to share her good fortune 50/50. Suggests lack of boundaries.

NattyNamechanger · 21/02/2023 07:23

picklemewalnuts · 21/02/2023 06:45

It's an unhealthy dynamic, to feel you are so close you know everything about your DD and deserve to share her good fortune 50/50. Suggests lack of boundaries.

Absolutely!
Particularly the bit about needing it more.
Is this how people think life works?
I need it -gimme
I don't discuss finances with anyone except my DH .
The minute some people know you have money they start to wheedle and play the victim.
If this woman is struggling then she needs to sort herself out and come up with a plan.
Not just expect her DDs money.
People are often poor due to circumstances but many are just dreadful with money.

NattyNamechanger · 21/02/2023 07:33

Oh and people can talk about how marvellous they are and they would give away their last penny to anyone 🙄

You are either a fool, manipulative or being manipulated imho

CottonSock · 21/02/2023 07:39

Wow. You were lucky to get anything

JimHensonWasAGenius · 21/02/2023 07:46

@AIBUNoWhere in my post did I say that I was "shocked"?

AIBUNo · 21/02/2023 07:49

JimHensonWasAGenius · 21/02/2023 07:46

@AIBUNoWhere in my post did I say that I was "shocked"?

@JimHensonWasAGenius What was your emoji supposed to 'say'?

To me, it looked like an eye-roll, or a 'surprised' face.

Do clarify.

AIBUNo · 21/02/2023 07:58

Seems to me that you are very tied to your very narrow view of life and resent the fact that others have differing views based on their experiences of life.

@Eyerollcentral Given you defended your ideas based what went on in NI, in one type of employment, (CS) related to your mother, I don't think it's me who has the narrow view. Especially as I am almost the same age as the OP and actually was employed in the 1970s as were all my friends.

The rest of what you posted is just fiction as we have no idea why the OP didn't save or have a pension.

You've been taken to task (not just by me but by many posters) for the error you posted about the marriage law. It didn't apply in the UK beyond 1944 (other than one very niche employment) but you seem to have a bit of a problem if anyone doesn't agree with you.
Hey ho.