How much £ would you give DM in these circumstances?

[StereoTie]

Have NC this but regular poster. Would appreciate opinions on this situation.

If adult daughter in 40s who was financially comfortable with two DC and a DH who was a high earner had a windfall of £20,000 (not as a result of work or anything related, some good fortune) would you expect that daughter to give her only remaining living parent (70) any of the money?

Background is the daughter and mother are very close, the DM is struggling financially and hasn't worked much since covid and now lives on her pension. The daughter and her husband have a large mortgage but can afford to pay for it plus other luxuries. They have two DC who have everything they need.

No other siblings involved.

No, my parents taught me to be independent and not assume 50% of a non blood relative’s money is mine x

Well he's correct children shouldn't have to gift their parents their money. What a batshit way of looking at things.
You choose to have your child, not the other way round. YABU & extremely greedy.

I don't know the new rate on their mortgage my daughter just told me it was going up and they wanted to pay off as much as they could on the lower rate. So I know it's going up but not by how much.

So, despite being 'close' you do not know the in and outs of their finances.

My DCs are mid 30s and I know everything about their outgoings. Right down to the their income/ salary.

You presumably don't know how much they earn- or maybe you do?

As others have said, if you think £20K is a huge windfall, your perspective on what is a high salary may be skewed.

Not boasting, but DH got an annual bonus of that size every year (but half went in tax.) It doesn't go far and certainly if it's through work, 50% goes in tax. I assume your D maybe had a premium bond win or lottery or similar.

I'd have taken you out for a celebration dinner, given you something for a new outfit, or a holiday. And as she's given you £500, that might cover it anyway.

Yes if OP thinks £20k is a huge windfall then she probably thinks £25k is a huge salary.

Ummmm yeah massively grabby and entitled - you should have planned for your own pension years

YABU and entitled. It doesn’t matter how much money they have. Why should they give you any of it?

YAB(very)U, sorry.

"I don't know the new rate on their mortgage my daughter just told me it was going up and they wanted to pay off as much as they could on the lower rate."

This would make complete sense though @StereoTie .

I think it’s completely different when posters are saying ‘they’d give their mum whatever she needed’ as opposed to your mum expecting you to give you a certain amount.

It’s great if people would help their mum out with whatever they needed because it’s their money and their choice. If the OP’s daughter wanted to give her 5/10k then that would have been such a nice gesture.

However, the OP’s mum expecting such a big amount and then feeling a type of way because she’s only been given £500 is actually quite cheeky.

Honestly OP I think you need to do something to help increase your earnings instead of being upset that your daughter hasn’t given you more money

You need to be careful as I think that will take you above the yearly tax free amount that you can gift. I think I read it's £3k per year? Anything above that, especially if only just above it, might not be worth it for the tax side!

I suspect that like us whilst financially comfortable was ok a year or so ago rising mortgage rates and energy prices means that the windfall may bit spread very far and they want it rightly as a safety net

OP they don’t owe you anything - your vagueness about housing (can you downsize do you rent own) etc means it is difficult to answer.

culturally though I think we are very much you either give the money downwards from (grand)parent to (grand)child or you need to be independent. Sending/giving money to parents just isn’t common.

but I suspect that the truth is they are very much the squeezed middle who can’t afford to give it away

You expected at least 5000??? You are bonkers 😂

I suspect there's far more back story to your entitlement and a son-in-law who has had enough.

You should be grateful for the £500 and happy they are going to be more secure in their future.

I would be embarrassed if my mum had posted this

Her daughter won the money. Not sure where you are getting the 50% of a non blood relative’s money. What a horrible family life you must have - if you find yourself going through tough times financially the response is tough we taught you to be independent… I genuinely feel so sad reading so many of these comments. It’s like your closest relatives mean nothing more to people than strangers they pass in the street. If I was the OP’s daughter I would be mortified to give my mother five hundred pounds.

You have done really well for yourself under terrible circumstances. You're supposed to provide for your children. That is what a parent is supposed to do. Whether your former husband ran off with a wealthy woman or not and subsequently did or didn't step up to the plate and provide for his children, it is what a parent should do.

I disagree with it being a 'no brainer', as everyone as different circumstances that only they will know about and only they will be able to determine what works best for them.

Unfortunately, neither you nor the OP actually knows exactly how much money the daughter is bringing in here, or how much the OP's son-in-law is bringing in, or how much of their salary is diverted to private pensions.

Also, neither you nor the OP know what is left to be paid on the mortgage here. If the daughter and son-in-law bought a house at the height of the property boom, and actually even if they didn't, they may have quite an expensive mortgage with low interest rates.

The 20k that the OP's daughter has had as a windfall, is for the OP's daughter and the Son-in-Law to decide what to do with it. They decided to pay down part of their mortgage so that the amount outstanding is less which will mean that when the interest rates are being discussed, it's on a lesser amount outstanding.

This is sound financial advice. The fact that the OP got anything at all from this windfall her daughter came into is wonderful but in no way shape or form should it be considered to be a "no brainer" and entitled to more. As I've said before, the OP is £500 better off today than yesterday. I can't believe that the OP would think that they would be entitled to ANY let along 25 or 50% of the windfall. That, right there, is what is scandalous.

@StereoTie it depends if you are struggling because you gave your dd a leg up or because you are financially inept.

As a mother of grown up children, I would never, ever expect them to give me money. If my mother were struggling didn't have a younger, grabby husband I'd pick up an occasional bill and help in other ways. I wouldn’t give her a slug of money - she's already worked through her inheritance.

As another poster said, and this may sound harsh but why are you skint? Why don't you have savings or an occupational pension and why haven't you provided for yourself? Also, is there any particular reason why, if you are skint, you can't get a little job? I'm guessing you are mid 60s. I'm nearly 63 and still work full-time.

What prevents you from taking in ironing, doing a cleaning job, a couple of shifts at the supermarket, cat feeding when people are on hols (I pay £12 per day), dog walking, etc., if you have no technical/professional skills?

I think this comment explains why they haven't gifted you more tbh.

How could you enjoy having the money knowing that your mother was struggling? Even if you weren’t close. Honestly I think some of you have no compassion.

Even if they gave her half it would be like sticking a plaster on a gaping wound.

People have to be realistic.

You can gift as much as you have, tax-free.

The only time the amount might be an issue as far as tax is concerned, is after you die, and that would only be relating to the previous 7 years.

Hopefully both Bansheed and their brother will outlive their mother by more than 7 years.

As others have said it would depend what you meant by “struggling”. If I knew my DM couldn’t pay bills, was leaving the heating off, not eating properly etc. then I’d give her however much she needed to stop that situation.

If she just wanted more spending money I wouldn’t give her anything any more than I’d expect her to give me some of the money if she had a windfall. I might buy her a present or treat her to nice days out but personally I find giving family money unless they are actually in need or ask for it weird (no problem with people doing it it’s just odd to me).

Of course if I’d had a much larger windfall the situation may be different but with mortgages rising as much as they are £20k doesn’t go as far as it used to…

In comparison to the OP the daughter is struggling she’s got a large mortgage. She’s not wealthy.

both the OP’s daughter and her SIL work and OP translates that to being well off.

OP is insistent they have everything they want and don’t need the money as much as she does.

OP has no mortgage. Doesn’t want to downsize, but won’t explain why. And hasn’t stated she’s living hand to mouth, just that she’s ‘struggling’. But not how.

OP hasn’t been working for the past three years either.

If I was the DD I’d put the entire amount into my mortgage. And I wouldn’t have given anything to OP.

Actually Red-reading OP’s posts. She thinks she deserves the money because her DD was getting on fine without the money! So were you OP

OP has no history of financial support, so she’s not helped her DD out.

OP does have the basics, but her DD and family have more! That’s because they work!
and that’s according to you!

OP sounds jealous and greedy, and must really stress her DD out with her constant banging on about money.

Downsize/get a lodger/double check you are getting all benefits/get a job.

This!
Giving is one thing
Expecting and being grabby about someone elses money is another.
In families like this where they are parents who think because they gave birth and brought up a child, they "owe" them it's always toxic and a narc trait.
The child is berated for not doing enough and not giving enough,constant nastiness and manipulation

Op is putting herself before her own children and grandchildren.
Good on the DD and Sil for being so sensible.

I'd offer probably £5-7k of it. Personally I'd set up a standing order for £100/month or so and do it that way so it helps for a long time.

Your user name should be AgathaChristie. I think you could be on to something. It makes far more sense.