How much £ would you give DM in these circumstances?

[StereoTie]

Have NC this but regular poster. Would appreciate opinions on this situation.

If adult daughter in 40s who was financially comfortable with two DC and a DH who was a high earner had a windfall of £20,000 (not as a result of work or anything related, some good fortune) would you expect that daughter to give her only remaining living parent (70) any of the money?

Background is the daughter and mother are very close, the DM is struggling financially and hasn't worked much since covid and now lives on her pension. The daughter and her husband have a large mortgage but can afford to pay for it plus other luxuries. They have two DC who have everything they need.

No other siblings involved.

OP would have been 14 then so that wouldn't have been a barrier.

I already said she was late 70s. My only point is that it is unfair to say that women of 70 plus should have made more provision for their retirement when many of them had limited opportunities to pursue lucrative careers in their 20s/30s. I have not said NO ONE could have a career and every woman was at home. I indeed pointed out that wasn’t the case even in my own family.

My dm is 87.
She had 6 dc and trained to be a nurse after having us. She retired as a midwifery Sister.
Then she worked in her 70’s as a canteen assistant.

The OP is 17 years younger with only one dc I think.

Whilst I agree that many women were and are still shafted financially it doesn't mean the Op can demand her DDs money.
"But I need it more and I want it" isn't adult behaviour.

My mother is in her late 70s still working and saving money.

I don't think the daughter should give her mother anything other than possibly paying a bill if her mother can't do it. Daughter has a mortgage and kids, even if they have everything they need now she could set the money aside for them, they will be grateful for it when they get to uni or to buying their first home.

Mother was doing OK without the money too, it's the daughter's windfall not the mothers. If it was going to be shared among the family, it should be shared equally between the daughter, her dh, her dc and (maybe) the mother, not just between the daughter and the mother. But I don't think it should be shared.

Yes my own mother worked throughout her life with 7 children and in to her 70s and I haven’t said women couldn’t have careers. I said many had limited opportunities to have careers in the past and this has had an impact on their ability to fund their retirement.

Your point about marriage and employment is not applicable@Eyerollcentral

The OP isn't over 70.

Your own mother was in NI and many laws are, and were, different there. You are trying to make a general point out of a very small minority of the population. And, of course, your mother could have found other work. The civil service is not the only employer in NI .

The point is that the OP had 50 years to save something or invest in a private pension.

She's not come back to her thread, so I think she's got the message, which is most posters think she is being greedy and unreasonable.

I said many had limited opportunities to have careers in the past.

Bu they didn't. Not from 1944. Most marriage restrictions were lifted during the war.

The argument you are trying to make (and you just keep digging) applied to women many generations back. Not 'many' who are now 70.

That's why posters are disagreeing with you.

You know nothing about the OP’s life before this point. For example you don’t know that she isn’t in NI. You are viewing everything through the prism of your own life experiences. I have at least acknowledged that many women didn’t have the opportunity to earn and save in the past as they do now. I don’t agree the OP is unreasonable or greedy. As I have said I would be embarrassed to hand my mother £500 when I had come in to £20,000 were I in the daughter’s position in this scenario.

I would be embarrassed if I had a mother who said this

will get flamed for this but I thought at least £5000 maybe £10000 as the money won't make much difference to them and they never had it before and were fine when I've told them for ages I'm worried about money

Literally appalling , just ignores the needs of her DD and DC, ignores her DDs sensible plan to pay off a chunk of her mortgage and thinks she should be given 5-10k of someone else's money 😂
Entitled doesn't cover it!

Yes I can see where you are coming from re asking for it. I am talking about presenting a gift of £500 to your mother when you have received £20000. As I have said previously unless I was in dire straits I wouldn’t contemplate giving my own mother less than £5000. When you are broke £500 really doesn’t go that far. I try to help out family members where I can. It doesn’t matter to me how they got in to the position they are in, if they need it and I have it I am happy to share with them. None have ever asked me for money, but you can always see where there is a need and I have always helped out where I could. If I were the OP’s daughter I’d have automatically assumed I was going to help my family out first.

That's entirely up to you to give her some but if I still had a mortgage and young DC I would do exactly as the Ops DD is doing.

I received an inheritance and didn't even mention it to my DP-we paid our mortgage off.
My DP wouldn't take money anyway they would insist we kept it for our DC futures.
Handing cash to people who are poor with money isn't giving its enabling their behaviour.
The Op says she hasn't worked since Covid, is putting herself even before her own DD and GC, awful behaviour.

I am the same age as OP. While she says she is close to her daughter, the daughter has 3 people who are more important to her (husband and kids). The daughter must put these people first. Things these days are difficult and paying off some of the mortgage is sensible. I would rather live in poverty than ask my children for money. I think £500 is very generous

You’ve no idea whether the OP is bad with money or not. I would also suggest it’s difficult for older women to get jobs. Aside from any of that I wouldn’t see my mother struggling to get by when I have plenty.

You know nothing about the OP’s life before this point. For example you don’t know that she isn’t in NI. You are viewing everything through the prism of your own life experiences. I have at least acknowledged that many women didn’t have the opportunity to earn and save in the past as they do now.

And you aren't? LOL. @Eyerollcentral

I don't know if you are deliberately trying not to understand, or you just can't.

You come from NI which has a tiny population compared to the UK and very different archaic laws in many respects (even today.)

You are basing your argument on that.

And even when people here quote the marriage laws were changed in the 1940s, you insist that ONE type of employment in NI was different.

Can't you see that your own experience is incredibly narrow?

You are also, are I say it, being ageist. I am roughly the OP's age and I know my generation had career opportunities. Maybe OP squandered hers or did low-paid work.

I would also suggest it’s difficult for older women to get jobs.

Well, you suggest incorrectly.
Do you listen to the news at all?
Have you not seen the drive to get older people back to work?
Businesses are crying out for them.

I didn't say she was!
Referring to your comment about handing out money to people no matter how they got there -enabling if its poor money management.

I have lived in various counties across the world and indeed lived in England for more than ten years. My life experience is not narrow nor confined to NI. Wherever I have lived women in their seventies and above have been disadvantaged in the workplace in their younger years. You are saying well I was able to x, y and z without acknowledging that at the time for example university education was open to only a very small percentage of the population and that whilst some women were able to forge great professional careers, the traditional professions remained very much the domain of men. Not sure what you find so controversial about that.

Yes, many older people also have health conditions that make work difficult for them and many employers are reluctant to take on those with known health conditions. Happily many are able to find work.

In my experience even the most hard working people can hit a problem in their lives that derails them. It’s not always the case that people who are short of money are bad at handling it or spend it foolishly. Health problems for one can easily put someone in a difficult position very quickly, bereavement, redundancy, etc. Regardless I couldn’t enjoy my good fortune if I knew someone close to me was struggling, whatever the cause.

If it was my family, whose circumstances I know and understand, I would have given my mum some fun money, from my windfall. But my mum is 88, so her idea of fun money is a new pair of flat shoes. If she needed new hearing aids, I would pay for those, which would cost about £3k, or new glasses at about £600 for varifocal lenses. Or I might take her for a nice weekend away. But just to spread the money to her to spend when it's not needed would be a waste. I am not being dismissive of my ma in this.

@Eyerollcentral totally agree.

I'm amazed that so many posters feel op has done something wrong.
Disaster can strike at any time and in any way. There by the grace of God go we.

None of us can possibly know what situation we will be in at 70.

I couldn't enjoy the money either when someone close struggling but we could argue ops dd is hardly enjoying this money

@AIBUNo
My DCs are mid 30s and I know everything about their outgoings. Right down to the their income/ salary.

Is that really true? 😲

@AIBUNo

My DCs are mid 30s and I know everything about their outgoings. Right down to the their income/ salary.
**
Is that really true? 😲