To wish people would leave me alone in public?

[TheLostNights]

I know I will get some nasty responses but I am so tired of this.
I'm 37 but look late teens/early 20's according to everyone and no, I am not proud or happy about this, it's beyond awkward and embarrassing.
Anyway, because of this maybe, I feel that when I go out alone, older adults seem to be concerned about me. Some examples are:

Was early for work one day so walked up the road into a cul drive sac. I quite easily could have been going to someone's house or posting a letter. Immediately though an older man said 'Are you OK?!'.

Sitting down on some steps to eat lunch and another man comes up to me "Are you OK?! You don't need to sit there, there are benches further up.'

Today, crossing the road. An older man shouts "Be careful!! A car nearly hit you, you were not looking.' (I was and it was miles away and I told him this).

Aibu to just want to be left alone and for people to mind their own business? If I was crying I would understand but as the above examples show, it was nothing like that.

Because I look so vulnerable and kid like. I am also short and slim which doesn't help.
I'm very unattractive so definitely not pretty. Unless big noses, flat chests and lank hair are most mens thing....

YANBU. I don't get this much. I am fat old and not much to look at and I do not miss this at all. This happened a lot when younger and I don't miss the obsequious offers of "help" that is the flip side either.

Good point about being pretty. If you're pretty, you'll draw more attention and that manifests itself in different ways. I'm not sure the above is because of that though? Especially as you said women do it too?

The street thing - I might have been tempted to stick my nose in to make sure you weren't lost regarless of age.

The car thing - I have told someone when they were about to step out in front of a car and I've also pointed out the traffic lights before too. One was for an old man. He gave me a death stare! 🤣

Sitting on steps -I'd probably not have done that but if the steps were filthy or if you were in the way, I might do. In that situation, I'd actually be more inclined to tell someone older for some reason. Actually, why were you sitting on steps when there are benches?

I used to get this a lot. It's one of the benefits of getting older that random men don't try to talk to me nowadays, thank goodness.

One time a man asked me for directions, but didn't seem to be listening to my reply. He interrupted me with some cheesy compliment about me being good-looking. It bothered me so much, I walked away crying. I stopped going out for some time after that.

I think they pick young women who look as though they won't react loudly. They rely on your being a kind, decent person who won't shout and swear at them.

They make you feel self-conscious and dent your confidence in being able to go about your day in town.

My daughters have experienced this too. Horrible. Time it stopped.

Maybe its not your perceived age that is the problem; maybe you just project a confused or bewildered look. It could be that they are simply responding to an adult female who seems somewhat dazed. You would probably get the same responses if you were 15 or 50. These responses are typical responses to someone who seems mildly out of touch in the immediate environment.

That's just a rather annoying current way of speaking to people. I'm way past 20, I don't look 20, and get that all the time.

@PinkPantherPaws I love you! I too have a resting bitch face.....I love it, it wasn't my greatest asset in the mask wearing days though.

🤣🤣at OP looking a bit vacant, that's my take on it too OP. You might have a vulnerable, unsure face.

No matter how you look you'll always get someone making an unsolicited comment unfortunately. Just grin manically and say "I've lost my knife" that'll make them fuck off or you'll get lifted?

In fairness, wandering into a cul de sac randomly when you're early for work IS a bit of a strange thing to do. I live in a cul de sac and people tend to look out for each other. Someone who's giving off a "just wandering" vibe in a cul de sac would attract attention in my road too. A regular road, avenue, street etc is fine.

In 70 years no one has done it to me, even as a child. Nobody cares😪

You’re being over sensitive to people being kind.

sounds more like you look down / lost when you’re out and about people are trying to help you. It’s hardly being bothered.

Unfortunately, I’m a trying-to-be-helpful type if I see someone apparently wandering up a cul-de-sac perhaps looking slightly confused. 😂

I’m a middle-aged Mum and it’s genuinely from a place of concern, especially if I believe the person is young, or needs support for some reason. I offered a Mum (with three young children) a bottle of water
(unopened) last week as she was having a cough fit and her kids looked scared. Also offered someone the use of my phone charger in an airport.

Perhaps people think I’m creepy?!😳

*coughing

I've found getting older gets more response, not in the same way but I generally get nice young men offering to carry my bag up stations stairs for me, even more so if I have GC in a buggy, or offering to let me go in front of them in a queue, or apologising to me if they are swearing on a train and notice me sitting near by. I've found it one of the nicest things about hitting 70.

This really stood out for me too.

I live on the corner of a cul de sac and it's fairly strange to see someone wondering around, so we'd always ask if they were ok.

Which makes me question whether the OP is just down on any strangers talking to her.

I wouldn't take it personally. I'm 53 and don't look like a teenager, yet there's barely a week goes by without some random man commenting to me on something or other. 'Helpfully', to pay a compliment, or in some cases to harmlessly pass the time of day. Part and parcel of being an unthreatening looking woman who goes out and about unaccompanied.
You're putting it down to your appearance because you have a thing about looking young. But the connection will be less than you think. When I was an actual teenager I don't recall being constantly asked if I was OK. Perhaps you look anxious or ill at ease?

I think you sound like a lovely, kind, thoughtful person. Don't let people put you off.

Ah yes, recently some imbecile bloke told me how to cross the road. I'm nearly 50 but look younger.

Just being polite?
Do you want to live in a world where nobody talks or looks out for people?

@ancientgran Thanks! When I said that her kids looked scared, I meant that they looked scared as she was coughing so violently and they didn’t know what to do. They weren’t scared of me!

Put headphones in and ignite the world . That's what I do !

I didn't think you were scaring kids. I'm sure the mum must have been really grateful. It's nice to be nice.

This is my experience.

I think it's because we're petite. It seems to bring out some sort of 'protective' instinct, particularly in men.

It's something I've experienced my entire adult life. Men stepping in to 'help' me do anything that might appear to be a 'physical' task e.g. lifting a suitcase into a car boot, lifting a box from a shelf etc. My friends don't experience this 'help' from strangers, and even if two of us are completing the identical task, I'll be 'helped' whilst my friend isn't.

It extends even to of random men 'protecting' me at a bar if I'm ordering drinks ... they tell other men to 'Watch it!' if they perceive I'm being pushed/ shoved/ jostled. Again, my friends experience the bar 'scrum' as just that: a scrum.

I just go with the flow, smile nicely and say thanks because I think they're coming from a place of kindness/thoughtfulness.

One time a man asked me for directions, but didn't seem to be listening to my reply. He interrupted me with some cheesy compliment about me being good-looking. It bothered me so much, I walked away crying. I stopped going out for some time after that.

I honestly can't see how this could have provoked such a reaction.

I think I was born with RBF so I've never had this problem, would drive me absolutely nuts though op.

Perhaps you should learn to walk with a bit more oomph, confident looking people don't get comments like the ones you've mentioned.

It doesn't sound like people are hitting on you though, more like they're concerned about your welfare for some reason.

The walking up the cul-de-sac thing, that can happen if someone just sees someone they don't recognise, maybe they're old and retired so got nothing better to do and they recognise everyone who walks up the street usually. Its a bit annoying but I guess its suspicious if someone random is just walking around there for no reason, they might suspect you're a lookout for a burglary or something and wanted to make sure you weren't.

The car thing, old people have more trouble judging space and distance so maybe it looked like a close call to them.

I guess overall I don't think people have done anything wrong, if you go out the house into wider society then its a normal part of life that people might want to talk to you.