Husband seems to hate neice living with us

[kwikslipgirl]

Hi all! I really need some advice, so much so ive signed up just to male this post. A while ago DH amd i were going to move back to be near my family after 12 years near his. My family lives in a small place with nothing around and not much to do, but beautiful and near my aging parents. Just as we were starting to house hunt he said he diesnt want to, that hed be deeply unhappy and wants to stay where we are in big city with lots gping on. We talked and compromised that we will stay up here and ill take long trips diwn there over the coming years. Fine. Neice (my sisters daughter) was going to come live with us when we moved, weve always had her for extebded stays and always offered for her to move to city to see some city life before we were moving back to my parents, so when plans changed DH said she can still mpve with us up here. Also thats part of my family with me, as i miss them dearly.
Now 6 weeks into her moving in with us and hes being so horrible to her. Finding fault im every thing she does. Shes staying im her room as feels he doesnt want her there. On the occasion when he has a few beers its worse, he creates massive argunents. He said he said she could stay as i agreed to stay in city, but hes not making any effort.
Now, she is disabled so cant work, but is paying her way towards bills and all her food, so not costing us more. Shes a very young 22, has been quite coddled by family due to her ilness, so to me this a chance for her to get some supported independance. Weve had to talk to her about cleaning up after herself, and ive had to mention the ridculous amounts of washing she seems to produce (wearing about 4 outfits a day at times when not leaving the house!). But shes taken it on board and madw the change. Shes now scared to male a sandwich in case she leaves a crumb and he has a go at her. Every covnersation theu have seems to be him having a dig.
Ive tried to be a problem solver and understand his side, ask how we can change it. Shes taken on board what he suggested but he just doesnt seem to have time for her.
Latest outburst last night i asked him to help me with the washing and move it from washer to dryer, he came in angry that most pf it was hers. Said shes need to do her own washing. Now i knew the next lpads i had was nearly all ours, his mostly, jist the light/dark split seems to be hers and ours. The problem i get is if i try to offer an explanation like that he diesnt want to hear. I said im happy doing it, as i am his, and ive not asked her for help. He says she should be offfering but always seems to forget her disability, she can barely get up stairs without risking a stroke, so im happy to do an extra load od washing a week, or coom her meal while i cook ours (sometimes she eats same, sometimes she has different). He says his opinion doesnt count, he may as well not bother and then walked off and sent rest of evening upstairs in bedroom complaning 'independance my arse'. I feel hes acting like a child, he seems to lose all his manners and is just plain nasty sometines. I was brought up that if u havent got anything nice to say dont say it.
I feel stuck, he has a go but doesnt seem to want to work at resolving things. Why say she could come if he so obviously doesnt want her here. It makes me glad we never had our own children as he cant seem to male any room in his life to accomodate someone else or their feelings. Shes suffered badly with depression amd if she had to go back home (to a controlling mother who takes out debt in her name) i think it would send her on a downwards slope. Plus i dont want her to leave. I want to be living back home near my family, sharing occasions and the mundae with them. I compromised and stayed here, he said she could stay. If he regrets it thats on him surely. I feel he needs to grow up amd start being polite and respectful to others and also try to bloody care!
But, i want all views, if im being unreasonable please offer me some help as to what i cam do better too. I dont want to be the A.

It's hard living with somebody else and maybe that is what your husband is struggling with.
Can she get some sort of home for herself, supported by either you or back home local family, rather than move home. It doesn't look like this set up is working

Gosh she does sound quite difficult to live with. Does she ever go out? Any hobbies or interests? Able to contribute by cooking for you sometimes?

He probably just didn’t appreciate how suffocating it could feel living like this. Is she actually benefiting from this arrangement? There might be ways to help her launch herself more and start to be more adult and independent. Unfortunately it will likely be you who has to encourage and support this and she may be quite resistant given what you’ve said.

Possibly a part time arrangement might work better if she’s not tied to your city for work etc?

He might be struggling but that doesn’t mean he gets to be abusive to this young woman.

op get him told. This young woman doesn’t need to live with his abuse. If he can’t control himself she needs to leave but then so would I.

He thought he could cope with it but clearly he can't. This is not hard to comprehend. People are hard to live with even when you don't love them. This shouldn't be a case of 'he said she could move in so that's how it has to be'. You've tried it and it's not working out. Best for everyone if the niece lives elsewhere. It shouldn't be bound up with your plans to move or not move back home. That's a whole other aspect where you've had to compromise but it doesn't mean he needs to put up and shut up with someone living in his home. If there are other reasons for you wanting to leave him, then that's different and you can set up home with your niece near your home town if that's your preference, but if you want to stay with him then your niece shouldn't be part of the package. It would be different if she was your daughter, but this isn't on you and there are other, much better ways for her to build her independence, then she can go back to staying with you as a treat and everyone can enjoy it.

*People are hard to live with even when you do love them.

This add to the annoyance, we are helping her to get out and get more gping on in her life. Thats part of the reason of her coming to live with us. It was suffocating for her at home and we want to help her get sone life. At least i thought WE did. Since she moved weve had stuff gojng on (unpacking, a holiday, some decorating), so shes only just started making some plans. Meet ups with social groups to male new freinds, driving lessons, a little 6 week art course at the college. In my problem solving one thing ive strssed is she needs time to get this all gping. Its like he wants it to happe yesterday.
Ive tried to jjst get him told, but he seems to bottle up the smalles tthing until he explodes.
Im hoping time is all they both need

He doesn’t want her there which is more than reasonable
I couldn’t bear the lack of privacy and having someone who never goes out

it’s not work she needs to leave

the abuse sounds like it comes from frustration he must dread coming home

Ideally, do you want to move back to your family’s area? Can you? I think you should go home and take your niece with you. Your partner does not sound very nice at all.

I sympathy with your niece and I commend you for treating her so well but it would be good to understand the extent of her disability. What can she and what can’t she do? Can she cook for herself? If yes, why are you cooking for her and mollycoddling her just like she was mollycoddled at home? Can she really change outfits 4 times a day but not put a load of washing on?

I’m thinking of it terms of setting her up for independent life, it seems she has exchanged one mollycoddling home for another.

This is so tricky OP. It does sound like he likes things his own way and expects you to be the one to compromise. But on the other hand, living with someone else long term is hard! Like another poster said, even if he agreed to it, it's not surprising that he's finding it harder than he thought. I think you do need to think about his feelings too.

Most parents want their 22yo kids to move out. It's not hard to see why a man whose never been a parent wouldn't enjoy having a 22yo move in to his home. He's obviously gone along with it because he couldn't go through with the move to your family's area (which is also understandable as you say there's nothing to do there) so he felt he had to try to make you happy, but the reality of the day to day situation is very different and it's better to draw a line. Expecting it to get better in time seems woefully rose-tinted.

t makes me glad we never had our own children as he cant seem to male any room in his life to accomodate someone else or their feelings.

Including yours.

Take your niece out of the equation for a moment, & look at the facts.
You moved away from your family base to live where he wanted, & have spent 12 years there despite missing your folks etc.

H agreed it was your 'turn' to choose location, & have at least some years living closer to what you obviously still view as home turf - then reneged.

Now, instead of talking rationally, he is finding opportunities to snipe & grumble, is making your niece unhappy & uncomfortable, is making YOU unhappy & uncomfortable, & you have discovered that - for him - "compromise" is a one-way street.

I doubt this is the only area of contention. as he sounds selfish, immature, & unreasonable. It's ok to resent having your niece as a permanent fixture & not want to live with a third party. It's not fine to pretend to go along with it, refuse to tackle the thorny subject honestly, & make you miserable.

Your sister's treatment of your niece sounds equally problematic.
If you could wave a magic wand, & live where you wanted, close to your family, perhaps with your niece, would you be happier?
Because that doesn't take magic. Just a realisation that your H is never going to "compromise" & that if you want to stay with him, it's always going to be his way or the highway.
So ... do you WANT to stay with him?
Do you WANT to live with your niece? (I am sure your feelings for her border into maternal, as you mention not having DC with H. I am so sorry if you wanted your own DC & this did not happen for you.)

I don't think I'd want to cohabit with a man so selfish that I feel relief about not having DC with him - whether I actively wanted them or not. But this isn't about me, it's about you, & the rest of your precious life. How do YOU feel about your H's attitude, behaviour, & reluctance to consider your happiness?

So he didn’t want children and now is caring for a disabled adult?

Does she ever go out independently or is she ever present?

Thank you so much to those commenting she needs to leave. I really needs both sides as its hard to see a sidw thats not your own isnt it.
Ive said to him already do you wamt her to go back home amd he says 'no, really amd hoenstly no. I want her to buck up her ideas'. But maybe he does want hwr to leave amd doesnt want to say. I need to try and get this honeslty from him and see what we can do.
Ive asked him what she can do and she is taking it all on board, there them seems to be soemthing else, or he keeps going over whats already happened.
Its so good to have these differing views so thank you so much to all!

What’s her disability if you don’t mind me asking.

I only ask as my 16 year old DD is “high functioning/ low need” ASD, and she can be really tricky to live with .. I think we manage it, because we are used to it.

I think people find it hard, as they have expectations about the other person based on themselves “I knew how to use a washer at 22, so should they” or “I was able to make friends at 22, why can’t they” .. but what they have to realise is that other person isn’t them .. they have a whole life of different experiences.

If he wants her to achieve more independence, just barking at her isn’t going to get him anywhere. Patience, empathy and understanding.. will yield much better results.

TBH, I would worry about being in a relationship with a man, who treats a vulnerable 22 year old like that.

Simple, I would leave and move back near your family taking your niece and leaving him to it. It’s all on his terms and that’s not acceptable

I’m sorry but I couldn’t live with another person in our home all the time, either. Add the complications and I can sympathise with your husband.

Are you helping her to look into assisted accommodation?

It can be really difficult to have other people in one’s personal space and perhaps your DH underestimated the reduction in privacy? You probably notice it less because she’s your family (my DH doesn’t understand why I react badly when his family stay for weeks on end but can’t cope with a 2 day visit from mine). Also, and I don’t mean to be unkind, but your niece sounds like she needs a carer and you are now it. If she is always in the house this will exacerbate the lack of privacy. Is she intending to live with you permanently? It sounds like she needs to move out.

I think he is being unreasonable here but you need to come up with a solution quickly before this gets to a situation where your niece ends up going home and you resent your husband for it. As this will no doubt damage relationships long term.

I think sit down all together and discuss routine and house rules. Your husband is obviously used to his own space and needs to adjust to that. So work out what days you will be sharing meals, when washing can be done, when people will be in the bathroom, how to add to the shopping list and what your niece can do to contribute to the running of the household. Say could she be in charge of the stock take and shopping lists or meal planning or doing the hoovering or something. If your DH feels she is contributing something then this might help him feel better about the situation.

It is hard to adjust to living with someone else. I know my DH and I struggled when we first moved in together and we were both very used to living alone.

If she is scared to do things for fear of this man then what he is doing is abusive. He need to stop immediately or she needs to move so he doesn't cause any more harm then he already has. You also have a responsibility to explain to her that his behaviour is emotionally abusive/bullying, so she can recognize it and know it is not her fault, nor her responsibility and she should never put up with it.
The fact you can't seem to get any resolution on this issue is also a hallmark of an abusive person.
He sounds selfish, and your "compromise" sounds more like he got his way of not moving. I am wondering how he treats you? Since he is comfortable treating another human being this way I feel concerned for you.

He’s behaving appallingly to a young vulnerable woman. While it’s not always easy to have someone else living in your home - he agreed to this compromise to stay in the city he loves. I think I would be telling him if he can’t behave then you’ll be reconsidering if you’re happy to stay in the city after all. Marriage is about compromise- does he always behave like a spoilt child if he doesn’t get his own way?

Torn on this one tbh. I do think he sounds like a bit of an arse and like he wants you to do all the compromising, but at the same time all things considered I don't think it was a good idea for her to be living with you. Too much is required of whoever is housing her for it to be reasonable.

It’s his house, if he really doesn’t want her there then you should be working towards getting her out.

Does he make you happy OP, or is he only nice when he gets his own way?

He sounds like his being a complete arse but it also sounds like you’ve become 24/7 career to an adult.

Also if she’s going to learn to drive how can she not do her own washing.