Husband seems to hate neice living with us

[kwikslipgirl]

Hi all! I really need some advice, so much so ive signed up just to male this post. A while ago DH amd i were going to move back to be near my family after 12 years near his. My family lives in a small place with nothing around and not much to do, but beautiful and near my aging parents. Just as we were starting to house hunt he said he diesnt want to, that hed be deeply unhappy and wants to stay where we are in big city with lots gping on. We talked and compromised that we will stay up here and ill take long trips diwn there over the coming years. Fine. Neice (my sisters daughter) was going to come live with us when we moved, weve always had her for extebded stays and always offered for her to move to city to see some city life before we were moving back to my parents, so when plans changed DH said she can still mpve with us up here. Also thats part of my family with me, as i miss them dearly.
Now 6 weeks into her moving in with us and hes being so horrible to her. Finding fault im every thing she does. Shes staying im her room as feels he doesnt want her there. On the occasion when he has a few beers its worse, he creates massive argunents. He said he said she could stay as i agreed to stay in city, but hes not making any effort.
Now, she is disabled so cant work, but is paying her way towards bills and all her food, so not costing us more. Shes a very young 22, has been quite coddled by family due to her ilness, so to me this a chance for her to get some supported independance. Weve had to talk to her about cleaning up after herself, and ive had to mention the ridculous amounts of washing she seems to produce (wearing about 4 outfits a day at times when not leaving the house!). But shes taken it on board and madw the change. Shes now scared to male a sandwich in case she leaves a crumb and he has a go at her. Every covnersation theu have seems to be him having a dig.
Ive tried to be a problem solver and understand his side, ask how we can change it. Shes taken on board what he suggested but he just doesnt seem to have time for her.
Latest outburst last night i asked him to help me with the washing and move it from washer to dryer, he came in angry that most pf it was hers. Said shes need to do her own washing. Now i knew the next lpads i had was nearly all ours, his mostly, jist the light/dark split seems to be hers and ours. The problem i get is if i try to offer an explanation like that he diesnt want to hear. I said im happy doing it, as i am his, and ive not asked her for help. He says she should be offfering but always seems to forget her disability, she can barely get up stairs without risking a stroke, so im happy to do an extra load od washing a week, or coom her meal while i cook ours (sometimes she eats same, sometimes she has different). He says his opinion doesnt count, he may as well not bother and then walked off and sent rest of evening upstairs in bedroom complaning 'independance my arse'. I feel hes acting like a child, he seems to lose all his manners and is just plain nasty sometines. I was brought up that if u havent got anything nice to say dont say it.
I feel stuck, he has a go but doesnt seem to want to work at resolving things. Why say she could come if he so obviously doesnt want her here. It makes me glad we never had our own children as he cant seem to male any room in his life to accomodate someone else or their feelings. Shes suffered badly with depression amd if she had to go back home (to a controlling mother who takes out debt in her name) i think it would send her on a downwards slope. Plus i dont want her to leave. I want to be living back home near my family, sharing occasions and the mundae with them. I compromised and stayed here, he said she could stay. If he regrets it thats on him surely. I feel he needs to grow up amd start being polite and respectful to others and also try to bloody care!
But, i want all views, if im being unreasonable please offer me some help as to what i cam do better too. I dont want to be the A.

It isn't working. She will need to find alternative accommodation. Shhe shouldn't have moved into your house in the first place. Not so bad if it was a few weeks but as a permanent arrangement - no way.

when you say she is too scared to make a sandwich in case she leaves a crumb - surely then don't leave crumbs around? thats not hard. you may be messy and leave crumbs when doing the task but you then sweep them up and put in a bin.

Or is she now expecting you to make them for her?

Your dh is an arsehole. I don't understand how you can stand by and watch him treat your niece this way. This is too big an undertaking for him and he wants her gone. If you want this relationship to go forward then you'll need to send her home. That way however he always gets what he wants. Take a step back op and look at your relationship, ask yourself honestly how many times he has compromised for you? What do you get out of it?

If she's been molly coddled all her life due to her illness then it will take time for her to come out of her shell. It could be quite scary for her and will take time and patience. He isn't extending any of that towards her.

am i the only one who finds this disgusting, Op what if you one day have a stroke, a stroke that leaves you half reliant on him, will he abuse you the same way he's abusing your niece to the point she's actually afraid of him, there's no exuse for the way he's behaving

Gosh, that sounds tricky. It sounds like she’s taking supported steps which will lead to her being out and about more - that should help. In terms of the household tasks, if it has literally never been on her radar then she needs teaching and patience - however obvious it may seem to your DH. If she’s been coddled then the in-coddling is a process. As dire as it sounds, I’d set up a chore rota for cooking and cleaning communal areas (within reason of her ability) and set the expectation that EVERYONE does their own laundry from now on. Good luck!

Your H doesn’t sound very nice.

Op what if you one day have a stroke, a stroke that leaves you half reliant on him, will he abuse you the same way he's abusing your niece to the point she's actually afraid of him, there's no exuse for the way he's behaving

Presumably he loves the OP and has made all the vows, in sickness and health etc. Many of us would care for our disabled partners but not have the same resources of love, care and patience for anyone else. Not everyone is cut out to be a carer. He's not chosen to have his own DC so it's perhaps less likely he's cut out to care for someone else's high-needs DC, even if he loves the OP enough to have a go at this arrangement, which he clearly regrets but is finding it hard to admit.

I can see why your husband is frustrated with your adult niece living with him. She doesn’t contribute to the household financially or even do any chores. Four changes of clothing a day is crazy, especially when it seems she rarely leave the house. If she’s able to do driving lessons and art school classes then surely she can do her own laundry and maybe a part-time job (you could help her find something suitable) so she can get a flat? Can her grandparents help if her mum is useless?

Also instead of driving lessons and a car, it might be best to get her therapy for her depression.

but always seems to forget her disability, she can barely get up stairs without risking a stroke
So if mobilising upstairs is a stroke risk, is she safe medically to drive?

@kwikslipgirl
but always seems to forget her disability, she can barely get up stairs without risking a stroke,"

Something isn't right here.

Firstly there are medications you can take to ward off strokes. Has she been assessed or is she just sitting quietly all day in case she has a stroke?

Secondly, why hasn't OP replied with some info on her disability? We can't even begin to offer advice or helpful suggestions until we know some basic facts, and we definitely can't start labelling her OH as abusive and all the other insults dreamed up by those who appear to offer life changing advice on the basis of nothing much.

It's your dh's house too and I think having a guest fir 6 weeks is too long even if they are related let alone nonrelated.
Time fir her to leave I think

Best for everyone if the niece lives elsewhere. It’s not working for anyone.

I wouldn’t want to live with your niece either tbh. I think it’s different when it’s your family and you have the familial bond there but not when it’s only by marriage.

Theoretically, I couldn’t live with my partners 22 year old relative after years of having my own space with my partner either. But I wouldn’t offer this as a solution as I’m self aware enough to know that! Also, the way he is treating her is unacceptable even if this wasn’t what he expected it to be. And his behaviour would give me the ick massively. If you want to be closer to home and your family, are you happy to give that up for him?

OP what is your niece disability?

It appears you have become a carer for your adult niece, your husband may not have expected her to require so much support.
If your niece has care and support needs, she may be entitled to supported living but would need an adult social care assesment by her local council.

This. I'm a doctor and I cannot think of a condition that would put you at risk of having a stroke from walking upstairs, yet allow the other activity the OP describes.

I would be v depressed if my life consisted of wandering round the house, changing outfits and maybe cooking something. Mserable. Humans need to interact with others, to do things in the day which give you a sense of achievement -even if that’s cleaning the bathroom- and to exercise your body - imv the lifestyle of DN feeds into her poor mood.
can she be given some helpful tasks, go to spmkt , rake the garden …….. and appreciated for her contribution.

I'd be upset if my husband wasn't being kind to my niece. However it's hard living with an extra person, especially a 22 year old. I wouldn't cope well with it either. Could you put a deadline on it, e.g. she needs to move out by August? Just explain that you're really sorry but your partner is struggling living with an extra person. Especially if she has a disability, does he feel like you're both now carers now. There's no need for anyone to fall out, just admit it's not working not.

^^this right here!! It’s all about his ‘wants’ - his way or the highway indeed!

Lots of comments saying he's an arsehole being "abusive" to "vulnerable young woman".

Appreciate that this may be intrusive, I think it would be good to know what her specific disability is.

She could be vulnerable, or she could be seen by the husband as a bit of a CF taking the piss. Yes, she's disabled, but how much is the disability and how much is just being a bit spoilt? (Which may not be her fault as she's been "mollycoddled", but it's fair if he doesn't want to be part of the continued mollycoddling.) Does he also get angry if he thinks the niece is taking advantage of his wife?

What I specifically find confusing: She can't get up the stairs to do laundry without risking a stroke, but she can have social meet-ups with friends, driving lessons, college art courses... How did she make it out of the house?

It could be a question of risk management and supported plans, in which case it's worth sitting down with her and working out a risk-managed plan for her to do her own washing, learn to clean up after herself, etc.

If she can’t manage the stairs without risking a stroke, how on Earth is she meant to experience ‘city life’ which is the main reason for her stay. It sounds like you’ve bitten off more than you can chew. You’d have to be a saint to take on a disabled 22year old niece. I can understand his frustrations totally. I would put a timescale on it and work towards a date where she goes home.

I don't wish to sound ableist... Even if legitimate, mental and physical disabilities require lots of compassion, sacrifice and slaving away – more than others around sufferers may be able to give. I have ADHD and depression for instance, and normal chores are really hard for me. But beyond a certain point, my (usually very supportive) husband may feel / has felt like I'm just fully taking advantage of him, so I do my best to do at least the bare minimum (a very low bar), and to communicate / work out a plan with him.

Sorry but I'd probably have slapped him. He sounds awful. He's a massive cunt.

I couldn't have someone living with me 24/7 so I understand his frustration, however, being abusive towards a disabled young woman is not on at all. If he doesn't want her there he needs to be a fucking big boy and have a conversation about it.

It sounds like you're making a lot of compromises in this marriage OP.