Husband seems to hate neice living with us

[kwikslipgirl]

Hi all! I really need some advice, so much so ive signed up just to male this post. A while ago DH amd i were going to move back to be near my family after 12 years near his. My family lives in a small place with nothing around and not much to do, but beautiful and near my aging parents. Just as we were starting to house hunt he said he diesnt want to, that hed be deeply unhappy and wants to stay where we are in big city with lots gping on. We talked and compromised that we will stay up here and ill take long trips diwn there over the coming years. Fine. Neice (my sisters daughter) was going to come live with us when we moved, weve always had her for extebded stays and always offered for her to move to city to see some city life before we were moving back to my parents, so when plans changed DH said she can still mpve with us up here. Also thats part of my family with me, as i miss them dearly.
Now 6 weeks into her moving in with us and hes being so horrible to her. Finding fault im every thing she does. Shes staying im her room as feels he doesnt want her there. On the occasion when he has a few beers its worse, he creates massive argunents. He said he said she could stay as i agreed to stay in city, but hes not making any effort.
Now, she is disabled so cant work, but is paying her way towards bills and all her food, so not costing us more. Shes a very young 22, has been quite coddled by family due to her ilness, so to me this a chance for her to get some supported independance. Weve had to talk to her about cleaning up after herself, and ive had to mention the ridculous amounts of washing she seems to produce (wearing about 4 outfits a day at times when not leaving the house!). But shes taken it on board and madw the change. Shes now scared to male a sandwich in case she leaves a crumb and he has a go at her. Every covnersation theu have seems to be him having a dig.
Ive tried to be a problem solver and understand his side, ask how we can change it. Shes taken on board what he suggested but he just doesnt seem to have time for her.
Latest outburst last night i asked him to help me with the washing and move it from washer to dryer, he came in angry that most pf it was hers. Said shes need to do her own washing. Now i knew the next lpads i had was nearly all ours, his mostly, jist the light/dark split seems to be hers and ours. The problem i get is if i try to offer an explanation like that he diesnt want to hear. I said im happy doing it, as i am his, and ive not asked her for help. He says she should be offfering but always seems to forget her disability, she can barely get up stairs without risking a stroke, so im happy to do an extra load od washing a week, or coom her meal while i cook ours (sometimes she eats same, sometimes she has different). He says his opinion doesnt count, he may as well not bother and then walked off and sent rest of evening upstairs in bedroom complaning 'independance my arse'. I feel hes acting like a child, he seems to lose all his manners and is just plain nasty sometines. I was brought up that if u havent got anything nice to say dont say it.
I feel stuck, he has a go but doesnt seem to want to work at resolving things. Why say she could come if he so obviously doesnt want her here. It makes me glad we never had our own children as he cant seem to male any room in his life to accomodate someone else or their feelings. Shes suffered badly with depression amd if she had to go back home (to a controlling mother who takes out debt in her name) i think it would send her on a downwards slope. Plus i dont want her to leave. I want to be living back home near my family, sharing occasions and the mundae with them. I compromised and stayed here, he said she could stay. If he regrets it thats on him surely. I feel he needs to grow up amd start being polite and respectful to others and also try to bloody care!
But, i want all views, if im being unreasonable please offer me some help as to what i cam do better too. I dont want to be the A.

I’m surprised at some of these these comments. Your DH is abusive….maybe he isn’t abusive with you (or maybe he is a bit and you haven’t noticed) but he’s showing his true colours now. I’d lose all respect for him - what sort of man acts like this towards a young, disabled woman? You need to defend your niece and stop pandering to your DH.

She sounds a bit annoying but she seems to be trying her best. You enjoy having her there and obviously love her. You also want to be near your family. Why would you give up your family for this idiot? You’ll get a bit of a skewed view on here because Mumsnetters don’t like rural life (which is great because it keeps the countryside quiet!). But there will be a lot of sympathy for your DH for this reason. Plus a lot of them have young kids and don’t realise that lots of 22 year olds are still children.

On the face of it your DH is BU
However it must be difficult to live with a disabled relative who is home most of the time, but can't/ won't do simplest tasks for herself.
I have CP myself so I'm not unsympathetic
I can't think of a disability where she is legally able to drive but risks a stroke walking upstairs!
She may have learned helplessness,
due to her low confidence and your DH will be reinforcing that
I would firstly ask for a care assessment with an OT, who can help with aids if she needs them
( I have a bath lift for example)
I think you should look into supported living with LA
This will break your marriage otherwise

I think it sounds worse because it's a man and a woman (whom many describe as a "vulnerable young girl").

If a woman were angry that their husband's live-in niece claimed they couldn't do their own laundry / chores, and relied on the husband to serve her, but somehow managed lots of activities outside like driving lessons / meet ups with friends, would she still be being called abusive and all kinds of names?

Genuinely wondering, not making a point.

He's being borderline abusive and you are enabling it. You do not need to wait until he says directly that he doesn't want her there, to make other arrangements. That poor girl she doesn't deserve this. Make other arrangements for her.

I would be pissed off too if a grown adult who is able to do driving lessons and go to art classes was living with me and doing no washing or cooking or anything else.

live-in adult niece*

I can see that OP is trying to help her start learning to do a tiny bit of chores, but I think OP genuinely believes she is physically unable to do a lot of things she may actually be able to (just guessing based on examples of activities given)?

Yeah, it doesn’t really add up, does it. Especially doing all those things but op does her washing for her because she could have a stroke from walking up the stairs

Sorry but if she's able to do art lessons and driving lessons she is able to do her own washing. Maybe not ALL the time if she's having a bad day - but most of the time.
I can see why he's annoyed - doesn't excuse his behaviour though. Maybe it would be best if you both support her finding somewhere to live?

god the ableism, disabled people don't like being infantalised because they aren't physically capable any more than able bodied people hate 'mollycoddling' us

@MeMyCatsAndMyBooks what's she meant to do though, lie down in a dark room forever because she doesn't have the physical strength to do laundry, laundry hurts people at the best of times, crouching or bending over to load and unload it, carry the stuff downstairs laundry basket or not, it's still heavy, they could do a modified version but that would still cause op to help out a lot which is precisely what mr dictator doesn't like

Not necessarily- disabilities can have rather specific effects. One of the most damaging things for people with disabilities is the assumption that 'if you can do X, you can do Y', and more generally 'either you are totally disabled and must be totally excluded from all activities, or you can do everything and don't deserve any help or accommodations'.

Since I don't know her exact disability, I can't say anything for sure; but I would guess that her problem is not with using a washing machine as such, but with carrying things to and from the washing machine, especially if she has to carry them up and downstairs. A person could be able to drive, and still have problems in carrying things.

What is stranger is her insistence on changing her outfit 4 times a day. I don't quite see how a disability would lead to that. Perhaps ground rules could be set about that.

I can see that having anyone staying long-term, especially someone who rarely leaves the house, and who needs extra physical help, may not be easy for the OP's husband. In some ways, this is like having an elderly in-law living with one, and many people would find that very stressful. I wouldn't blame him for wanting this to be a time-limited arrangement, and not indefinite. However, he should not accept it and then keep lashing out at her, especially about things that may be related to her disabilities. Either another arrangement needs to be set in motion, or he needs to stop lashing out at her: setting rules, yes; lashing out, no.

Most abuse probably comes from frustration. That doesn't justify it.

Someone might be able to meet up with friends, and to drive a car with the right controls; and still have difficulty with stair climbing and/or carrying and/or bending. It might be possible to have adaptations in the house to make her able to do more chores; but one should not simply assume that 'either she can do everything or she can't do anything'.

It's quite understandable for someone not to want a near-stranger living in their home indefinitely, and to insist on finding alternative arrangements. It's not OK to explode at them for what may be genuine physical incapacities.

Can you say what her disability is,I’m not the first poster to ask but you seem to be evading the question.It really is relevant to your the Aibu…

Yes definitely, but if she can drive a car with the right controls, surely she can use her hands or feet or whatever limbs she's using for adapted driving to clean up after herself to some extent, e.g. crumbs?

Again I don't mean to sound ableist, but it is a possibility that OP is accepting "I can't do it or I might die" at face value, and so OP's DH thinks the niece is being a CF.

We're not given his side of the story – whereas OP says "she's now scared to make a sandwich in case she leaves a crumb", he could previously have exploded at seeing a big mess just left out after she's made herself a sandwich. It really doesn't sound like she does the bare minimum even by OP's account. And OP attributes this to her previously being coddled as well, rather than primarily the illness.

It is also an equal possibility that OP's DH is just verbally abusive and discriminatory against disabled people.

Without knowing what disability OP's niece has, the mental impact of that, and lots of other things (which I don't think we're entitled to know), it's impossible for anyone to say IMO.

I'm kind of with your DH here (although obviously not being mean to her - that's not acceptable at all). I know you both invited her to come and live with you but honestly I think you were really naive to do that. Obviously, you haven't had kids, so you couldn't have known what it would be like, but this woman, for all her disability and miserable home life, is an adult. An adult who doesn't pull her weight around the house, who rarely goes out, and who seems to have no plans to move on from your place any time soon. Personally, I could only do this if there was a strict time limit to the arrangement and if she was creating work in the house (4 outfits per day? WTF?) then I'd have to lay down some ground rules, as I would with anyone who was living in our house.

I can see that you wanted to do a kind thing for your niece, that her DM is apparently abusive and horrible, sogood for you, but this 'nice thing' is souring not only your relationship with your DH, but also risks souring your relationship with your niece. You should've put a time limit on this experiment from the outset, but since you didn't, you should do that now. She's 22, not 12. She needs her own place and sooner, rather than later.

Actually, if she can make a sandwich, surely she can clean up the crumbs too? If OP's husband is really nitpicking on a mere crumb or a few crumbs, that's awful. If however she is claiming to be afraid to leave a crumb because of a previous "sandwich shit left everywhere" incident, that's a bit disingenuous too I feel.

What a nasty man. Picking on a young girl with vulnerabilities who is only doing what she's been told she can. You don't welcome people into your home then resent them for it. It's manipulative (as is what he did to you about moving/not moving).

Sounds like you want to stay with your (selfish) husband, so I think the only right thing to do is send your niece home, explaining that your husband is feeling a lot of pressure in life generally and that it turns out this isn't the right time for anyone to be staying over more than the odd night.

A big ask for all parties concerned.
A young lady who has difficulties and limitations who isn't entirely independent living with you for the foreseeable.
Having people to stay is quite different from having them living with you.
It is causing everyone stress. Her, you and your DH.
Intentions were good to begin with but it doesn't follow it is the right thing to be doing.
Without understanding her difficulties a bit more it is hard to offer advice. There may well be organisations that can provide support in all manner of ways depending on her situation.

Honestly, I'd hate sharing my home with someone else for an extended period of time. I don't even enjoy having guests for more than a night or two. It causes a great deal of stress, even if they are nice, pleasant people. I need my own space to be happy, and living long-term with someone who feels like a "guest" would drive me up the wall. The difference is that I'd probably try to avoid them as much as possible instead of making comments to them. Making her feel unwelcome after saying she could stay is not acceptable.

He "owes you", imo, after changing his mind about moving to be nearer your family. He needs to make a genuine effort, but she also needs to respect the fact that you and he are sacrificing a large degree of privacy by having her in your home. She can do what she can to pull her own weight and respect your house rules. As it is, it does sound like you may possibly baby her a bit. Understandable, but frustrating to watch, day after day.

The whole situation sounds tricky, particularly with her illness and her mother taking advantage of her. In your husband's place, I'd feel very trapped. Now that he's agreed to let her stay, it may feel like there's no backing out, no matter how much he dislikes having her there. Having someone for even lengthy visits is not the same as having someone actually live with you. There's no prospect of a return to normality to hold onto. But on the other hand, he's being selfish. After refusing to move, he's now poisoning the atmosphere of your home and essentially reneging on his compromise that you can have your niece to stay.

I don't think anyone is completely unreasonable, in this scenario. If your niece is going to stay, you and your husband need to talk and come to some clear agreements about how things will be managed so that no-one is miserable. Give and take is required.

All this speculation, without anyone knowing what to base their advice on.

The OP refuses to clarify what her niece's disability is and how it affects her ability to do things.

@kwikslipgirl seems to have disappeared. This thread has become pointless.

I'm inclined to agree with this.

I've had partners of my adult dc live with us for months on end for one reason or another over the last few years. Both have been absolutely lovely. Both have not only not created extra work, but have gone out of their way to contribute to the running of the house (cooking meals for us all etc). Both went out to work and out to do things in the evenings so weren't here 24/7. We all get on really well, but there are still days when it would be easier if they weren't there.

But your niece is creating a lot of work. You said Now, she is disabled so cant work, but is paying her way towards bills and all her food, so not costing us more. Shes a very young 22, has been quite coddled by family due to her ilness, so to me this a chance for her to get some supported independance. Weve had to talk to her about cleaning up after herself, and ive had to mention the ridculous amounts of washing she seems to produce (wearing about 4 outfits a day at times when not leaving the house!).
I mean, seriously ? wearing 4 outfits a day when not even leaving the house ???

I don't blame your dh being fed up.

If you can operate a car, you can operate a washing machine. If you can paint on a canvas, you can wipe down a countertop.

You are making excuses for your niece, understandably, but I think he sounds like the only one actually treating her like an adult capable of independent living, which I thought was the whole point of her coming to live with you.

Great post.

I’d also add this. It may be very difficult to live with someone else full time. It’s understandable that he is struggling to adapt. What isn’t acceptable is his behaviour towards a vulnerable young woman living away from home for the first time. I would never look at dh in the same way if he behaved like that towards one of my relatives.

I honestly think you are being very unfair to him.