Husband seems to hate neice living with us

[kwikslipgirl]

Hi all! I really need some advice, so much so ive signed up just to male this post. A while ago DH amd i were going to move back to be near my family after 12 years near his. My family lives in a small place with nothing around and not much to do, but beautiful and near my aging parents. Just as we were starting to house hunt he said he diesnt want to, that hed be deeply unhappy and wants to stay where we are in big city with lots gping on. We talked and compromised that we will stay up here and ill take long trips diwn there over the coming years. Fine. Neice (my sisters daughter) was going to come live with us when we moved, weve always had her for extebded stays and always offered for her to move to city to see some city life before we were moving back to my parents, so when plans changed DH said she can still mpve with us up here. Also thats part of my family with me, as i miss them dearly.
Now 6 weeks into her moving in with us and hes being so horrible to her. Finding fault im every thing she does. Shes staying im her room as feels he doesnt want her there. On the occasion when he has a few beers its worse, he creates massive argunents. He said he said she could stay as i agreed to stay in city, but hes not making any effort.
Now, she is disabled so cant work, but is paying her way towards bills and all her food, so not costing us more. Shes a very young 22, has been quite coddled by family due to her ilness, so to me this a chance for her to get some supported independance. Weve had to talk to her about cleaning up after herself, and ive had to mention the ridculous amounts of washing she seems to produce (wearing about 4 outfits a day at times when not leaving the house!). But shes taken it on board and madw the change. Shes now scared to male a sandwich in case she leaves a crumb and he has a go at her. Every covnersation theu have seems to be him having a dig.
Ive tried to be a problem solver and understand his side, ask how we can change it. Shes taken on board what he suggested but he just doesnt seem to have time for her.
Latest outburst last night i asked him to help me with the washing and move it from washer to dryer, he came in angry that most pf it was hers. Said shes need to do her own washing. Now i knew the next lpads i had was nearly all ours, his mostly, jist the light/dark split seems to be hers and ours. The problem i get is if i try to offer an explanation like that he diesnt want to hear. I said im happy doing it, as i am his, and ive not asked her for help. He says she should be offfering but always seems to forget her disability, she can barely get up stairs without risking a stroke, so im happy to do an extra load od washing a week, or coom her meal while i cook ours (sometimes she eats same, sometimes she has different). He says his opinion doesnt count, he may as well not bother and then walked off and sent rest of evening upstairs in bedroom complaning 'independance my arse'. I feel hes acting like a child, he seems to lose all his manners and is just plain nasty sometines. I was brought up that if u havent got anything nice to say dont say it.
I feel stuck, he has a go but doesnt seem to want to work at resolving things. Why say she could come if he so obviously doesnt want her here. It makes me glad we never had our own children as he cant seem to male any room in his life to accomodate someone else or their feelings. Shes suffered badly with depression amd if she had to go back home (to a controlling mother who takes out debt in her name) i think it would send her on a downwards slope. Plus i dont want her to leave. I want to be living back home near my family, sharing occasions and the mundae with them. I compromised and stayed here, he said she could stay. If he regrets it thats on him surely. I feel he needs to grow up amd start being polite and respectful to others and also try to bloody care!
But, i want all views, if im being unreasonable please offer me some help as to what i cam do better too. I dont want to be the A.

OP it's quite different having a partners relative live with you versus your own child. Your experience doesn't mean he wouldn't be an active parent.

My much younger brother in law lived with us rent free for 5 years. I had agreed with the principle of him living there but had quite different expectation about how the reality of that would be. Eg i expected a tidy human being at least attempting to pull their weight.I liked him but honestly couldn't stand how lazy he was, the mess he left in his room and the mess he made. I resented my partner washing and folding his clothes when we barely had time to do our own chores. He too claimed to be scared to leave his room for sake of dropping a crumb, the reality is that cleaning plates, dishes, crumbs, floors, hoovering etc which one person doesn't do are a burden which get more annoying over time. It's also particularly irritating when it's rent free with zero effort to help in anyway. Also with standards of behaviour that would not have been acceptable were he my own son. My partner defended him as a member of her family and it became a source of friction between us. I would side with your husband. I suspect when he agreed to her living with you he expected it be different to how it is, he probably didn't expect you to be looking after her. I am guessing she isnt severely disabled because you haven't mentioned a carer. If that is the case perhaps your husband expected her to be able to look after herself more?

I think you want different things from life. One of you is going to end up compromising and being unhappy. Is your relationship worth it?

I am really sorry OP, but YABU. You couldn't seriously expect your husband to live with this plan long-term. There's also a lot of tit-for-tat going on.
Him - I don't want to move near your family.
You - ok then, but my niece has to come and live with us.

Life is too short for this. Wouldn't you both be happier and less resentful if you went your separate ways?

Hi OP, my guy feeling is that there's something else going on in your DH'S mind. Something else he's deeply not happy with. It feels the stay of your niece is just an outlet for his dissatisfaction.

Is he generally caring to you and other people or not? Or he's used to be the one that's being taken care of without having to offer much?

Can you calmed have a chat with him to see if that's the case?

If he's genuinely such a selfish ass without compassion, I wouldn't want to be wasting my life.

Sorry, I'm not sure if I read the op correctly... This arrangement with your niece is not a long term one, hopefully? It can't be too long. It's bound to cause resentment, I'm afraid.

Short term accommodation is fine. But absolutely not another relative living in for more than half a year. Not going to end up well, regardless anything else.

It could be an idea to talk to your niece's local council about getting a full care assessment with a view to her moving into supported independent living. You could then use your planned long trips to your family's area to see more of her there.

Yes to this. I don't care if it's sooooo hard for him, blah, blah, blah. Doesn't justify making her feel so scared and uncomfortable in a place where it was agreed she could stay. He's being a total shit by the sounds of things.

I mean he’s got a point, if she’s disabled that’s one thing but you mention she’s capable of going out and making friends and learning to drive, buy this account I’d say she was perfectly capable of pulling her weight to help contribute around the house and understanding this.

It’s not fair to say you’re glad you never had children together, your own children are possible to love unconditionally, this isn’t even his blood relative. I’m not saying he’s not being nasty he could certainly approach this a better way but I can kind of see where he’s coming from.

if she’s after independence then give it to her if she’s not willing to be given a steer on how to do that then it’ll never work and youll
have mollycoddled her as much as your sister.

fair dues to all your compromises op, and it is good that he wanted this compromise. I feel for both of you as I live far from home and near dh’s family and every so often I’m so sad for everything I’ve missed because of work or the kids being in school that I could have attended had I lived close by. He’s finally had to make his compromise and having had people stay with us for only 2 weeks and nearly going insane trying to adapt I can guess it’s a horror movie, she isn’t related to him so he isn’t accepting her the way you are but at the same time he needs to know he’s making her uncomfortable and being silly- a 22 yo has no notion of all the life lessons he has yet if she’s never lived alone. But I will say unless he’s generally an awful person l, the people on this thread calling him abusive and saying ltb are a bit ott!! Oh and can I say you sound so lovely and I hope everything comes together for you and tell your dh a random internet stranger says he’s very lucky and I hope he knows it!!!

It sounds like the situation with the niece is the source of his dissatisfaction. As it would be for many. It seems like he has tried, and is trying, for OP’s sake, but tbh he shouldn’t have agreed to it in the first place. I sure as shit wouldn’t have.

Caring about someone is different to housing them and caring for them. Being averse to the latter doesn’t mean you expect to be the one being cared for, either.

I'm not condoning his behaviour for one minute but lots of people would struggle to live with another adult (especially an in-law) for an extended period of time, so I do so sympathise with his feelings there.

I think you need to decide whether you want to stay with him with your niece coming to visit like before, or whether your entire relationship is no longer making you happy and you'd rather move back to your family.

Do you think you might be over protective of her? She can take driving lessons, college courses and attend social events but you worry about her doing minor things like her own washing? I can absolutely see why you would do this if she’s disabled but it’s probably making her difficult to live with? How much is she really doing around the house?

I think your niece should move back to her family. And so should you.

DH sounds miserable. No way to live OP. It’s a short life.

Expecting him to take on an almost parenting or mentoring role for someone else’s disabled young adult is a huge ask. It is not the same as having a self sufficient family member stay for an extended visit when the guest is (understandably) immature for their age and unable to fully care for themselves, let alone contribute to the household.

I don’t see the selfishness that other posters seem to see. If you’ve chosen not to have children then it seems perfectly natural to want to live somewhere that has a lot going on.

He shouldn’t be being rude or deliberately unkind to your niece, but he does have a right to expect anyone staying with you to go along with normal house rules.

Its not easy hosting a third adult in a couple's home, especially when your neice seems very needy and immature. You can surely see this situation is uncomfortable for both Neice and DH; neither of them are happy, so having her live with you (because YOU want it) is just not sustainable.

Neice has to live somewhere else. As she seems able to pay her own way, she could house-share with a group of people her own age, which would be very good for her in numerous ways. In a city, there are probably shared accommodation places specifically for young adults with additional needs; the local council and SW should be able to advise.

What you’ve described isn’t independence in terms of cooking and doing all of her washing. You seem like a lovely aunty, I get it, my niece and nephew mean the world to me and I’d want to take care of them…, but my husband being happy in his own home has to come first. Your niece needs to make changes to her lifestyle or she has to go.

Might be worth examining why you want to move back near your family. I absolutely understand why he wouldn’t it all it offers is beautiful scenery and the in laws.

is your wanting to move back motivated by a sense of obligation to act as a carer, or because you genuinely want to live there?

Where's her mother in all this she is her responsibility. I don't understand why she's gone to live with you and I can understand your dh resentment that your sister has completely gave up all responsibilities for her vulnerable disabled child.

I was going to ask those questions.

"but always seems to forget her disability, she can barely get up stairs without risking a stroke,"

What does this mean? ^ Have you had a medical professionals input on this?

I only realised after I posted that OP might be intending to make this a permanent plan with no ending date set. So, in that sense, it's completely understandable.

When my mum came to stay with us to help with postnatal care, a few months stay nearly broke the marriage. It's not anyone's fault, it's just the wrong arrangement.

A few weeks is ok. Knowing there's an end in sight, it's a lot easier to tolerate and make compromise. But not more than a few months (even 3 months might be a stretch).

I wouldn't be happy f I was your DH either. I wouldn't want anyone else in the house for extended periods of time. There is no date for your niece to move out is there? Its your DHs home too. He cannot relax as its a mess and someone else's mess, Your niece needs to move out and you should support her as she is family. You DH also needs to stop being abusive to your poor niece.

She needs her own accomodation and I say that as a disabled person myself. Her own parents should be helping her, not you. The council / LA should be able to find her supported accomodation. She should still be able to work, even WFH. Why not look at the evenbreak website or remploy website? I agree with your DH, it isn't very fair on him. She's taking the piss. She could do more than she is.

Lots of people mitigating and offering excuses for your DH.

In the end, he's an grown older male acting like a cunt to a much younger, disabled and vulnerable female relative.

TBH it would make me see my DH in a different light and question my relationship ship with him if he couldn't muster up basic hospitality and civility to a houseguest regardless of whether or not he wants them there or not. If he doesn't want her there, he needs to discuss it with you and offer alternative solutions.

I think you are all BU. This living situation was never going to work if you stayed in the city

I am assuming that if you moved closer to your family, you would get a bigger property - more space, an annex perhaps. This would have been perfect for your niece - she lives independently but is still on your property.

Just moving her in, in a smaller property, when she has no experience of cohabitation with anyone other than her mother will be hard work. Equally it must be hard on your DH.

I don't think any of you have properly thought about the practicalities of having another human being in your home

I agree that her first priorities in being a grown up should be learning the basics of self care and household chores. None of us like them, but there we go. If she can't afford servants she'll have to buck up.

That said, your husband sounds like bloody hard work and appears to think that the world revolves around what he wants. What about what you want?