Husband seems to hate neice living with us

[kwikslipgirl]

Hi all! I really need some advice, so much so ive signed up just to male this post. A while ago DH amd i were going to move back to be near my family after 12 years near his. My family lives in a small place with nothing around and not much to do, but beautiful and near my aging parents. Just as we were starting to house hunt he said he diesnt want to, that hed be deeply unhappy and wants to stay where we are in big city with lots gping on. We talked and compromised that we will stay up here and ill take long trips diwn there over the coming years. Fine. Neice (my sisters daughter) was going to come live with us when we moved, weve always had her for extebded stays and always offered for her to move to city to see some city life before we were moving back to my parents, so when plans changed DH said she can still mpve with us up here. Also thats part of my family with me, as i miss them dearly.
Now 6 weeks into her moving in with us and hes being so horrible to her. Finding fault im every thing she does. Shes staying im her room as feels he doesnt want her there. On the occasion when he has a few beers its worse, he creates massive argunents. He said he said she could stay as i agreed to stay in city, but hes not making any effort.
Now, she is disabled so cant work, but is paying her way towards bills and all her food, so not costing us more. Shes a very young 22, has been quite coddled by family due to her ilness, so to me this a chance for her to get some supported independance. Weve had to talk to her about cleaning up after herself, and ive had to mention the ridculous amounts of washing she seems to produce (wearing about 4 outfits a day at times when not leaving the house!). But shes taken it on board and madw the change. Shes now scared to male a sandwich in case she leaves a crumb and he has a go at her. Every covnersation theu have seems to be him having a dig.
Ive tried to be a problem solver and understand his side, ask how we can change it. Shes taken on board what he suggested but he just doesnt seem to have time for her.
Latest outburst last night i asked him to help me with the washing and move it from washer to dryer, he came in angry that most pf it was hers. Said shes need to do her own washing. Now i knew the next lpads i had was nearly all ours, his mostly, jist the light/dark split seems to be hers and ours. The problem i get is if i try to offer an explanation like that he diesnt want to hear. I said im happy doing it, as i am his, and ive not asked her for help. He says she should be offfering but always seems to forget her disability, she can barely get up stairs without risking a stroke, so im happy to do an extra load od washing a week, or coom her meal while i cook ours (sometimes she eats same, sometimes she has different). He says his opinion doesnt count, he may as well not bother and then walked off and sent rest of evening upstairs in bedroom complaning 'independance my arse'. I feel hes acting like a child, he seems to lose all his manners and is just plain nasty sometines. I was brought up that if u havent got anything nice to say dont say it.
I feel stuck, he has a go but doesnt seem to want to work at resolving things. Why say she could come if he so obviously doesnt want her here. It makes me glad we never had our own children as he cant seem to male any room in his life to accomodate someone else or their feelings. Shes suffered badly with depression amd if she had to go back home (to a controlling mother who takes out debt in her name) i think it would send her on a downwards slope. Plus i dont want her to leave. I want to be living back home near my family, sharing occasions and the mundae with them. I compromised and stayed here, he said she could stay. If he regrets it thats on him surely. I feel he needs to grow up amd start being polite and respectful to others and also try to bloody care!
But, i want all views, if im being unreasonable please offer me some help as to what i cam do better too. I dont want to be the A.

What's he supposed to like about having your niece live with you? Genuinely? The glow of doing a good turn would fade pretty quickly when you can't relax in your own home. I feel sorry for her, living somewhere she feels awkward and unwanted, but how can he possibly put on a front all the time? It's too much to ask and I think your idea of stringing it out to see if it gets better will do more damage to the relationships than acknowledging it's not working out, which is nobody's fault, and figuring out a solution for her to live separately. Surely you'd all be relieved.

I think a lot of the things he is saying may or may not be unreasonable depending on her disability. Wearing more than one outfit a day (and putting each into the wash) is obviously ridiculous unless she had a disorder that means she's not fully continent for instance. You doing her washing is not appropriate if she could do her own, etc etc.

Helping her establish independence is an incredible thing to do for her, and I would suggest seeing if you can get good advice on the best ways to establish this, can she be fully independent with guidance?

the abuse sounds like it comes from frustration he must dread coming home

Still not a good reason to be abusive to someone

OP what would happen if you told your husband to stop being such an asshole to your niece? How would he treat you?

And that's not about your niece specifically, in terms of her disability. I like my neices a lot, they're lovely girls, but like hell would I want them living with me. It's just not a thing most people would like.

If she is able to legally learn to drive, I don't really understand why she's not doing her own washing and fully contributing to the household chores - my dd is autistic but is expected to do her laundry, look after her room and clean her bathroom plus the stairs and landing to her floor (we are below) with prompting required, nagging sometimes

I would find it extremely hard to live the way you both are, maybe for a few months I could cope, I am 99.9% my husbawould be the same

One thought is does he feel like your niece is a surrogate child for you or a project?

I understand where he's coming from. Also agree that if she can learn to drive then she can turn on a washing machine. Four outfits a day is ridiculous. Your bills must be huge.

I don’t think she should be living with you, just visiting instead. She sound be living in shared accommodation with other young people. In your shoes I’d help her look at numerous properties close by so that you can see lots of each other but both have your own space.

If I was him I'd have told her she needs to leave, by now.

It sounds horrendous living with her. No way could I put up with her being there 24/7 with the behaviour you've described.

In what way is she actually disabled? Too disabled to do ANY kind of work? What about studying?

And what's the long term plan? Surely you are not planning on having her live with you forever?

I wouldn't be happy if I were your husband.

It sounds as though you've provided her with respite care when she was a child, but now she's an adult with a disability and you've become her carers. That's a huge disruption to your lives. How did you come to this decision?

It sounds like you're getting no support at all, and maybe struggling to understand the scope of her disability. Which makes it really hard to set boundaries.

I'm with your husband, whom you're painting as the baddie here. It doesn't sound like he's done anything abusive. I'd have a grump too if I were doing the laundry of a grown adult who can drive. He's become a carer to an adult who's not even his child--with no end date.

Also really unfair on your niece, who needs specialised support.

It doesn't sound like his offer for her to live with you was sincere. He had already had her stay many times before so any issues shouldn't be a surprise.

It feels like he said that to encourage you not to move, which he agreed to then changed his mind.

He is now effectively trying to bully a vulnerable young person out of his house rather than engaging in productive discussion.

He's creating needless conflict (you and she are happy with laundry arrangements. He isn't doing any laundry).

Basically toddler behaviour.

He needs rules and consequences like a toddler.

The arrangement may not work long term but bullying is not the way.

I wouldn't be attracted to a man who was so intolerant and unkind, but maybe he doesn't realise how sharp he is being.
It sounds like you are in the process of "training" your niece, and that she hasn't had proper input from her own mother. Some people do change 4 times a day ( there was a thread about this recently) but that doesn't mean she has to wash her clothes after wearing them once.
It is part of independence for her to manage her own washing even if she is disabled -but that may take a while - if she struggles going up and down stairs,, she needs to figure out how to simplify things, and plan in advance, so that she is not making special trips, but brings her washing down to the machine when she comes downstairs in the morning.
It's not going to be perfect overnight, and I think as DH has said that he doesn't want her to go, just up her game, you'll have to believe him. And keep working on her, walking her through the routines that other people of her age may have learned earlier in life.
Can you speak again to DH, explain you appreciate him having her with you both, you know it wouldn't be for everyone and that he's doing it for you, but if he could bite his tongue it would make life nicer for everyone.
I think the issue of where you live is actually a separate thing. Maybe that needs to be revisited, too.

I’d like to understand why your husband reneged on the agreement to move. After 12 years of you living near his family.
It also doesn’t sound like he’s being very welcoming towards your niece at all (reneging on that too?)
I appreciate she needs to tweak things too, but if she has a disability that makes things a bit harder for her. I think it’s unfair of your husband (her uncle) who agreed for her to move in, to be picking (drunken) arguments with her, to effectively force her out.

I wouldn’t be able to cope living with my husband’s 22 year old niece, so I understand where your husband is coming from. It seems like he wanted/wants to try (or doesn’t want to upset you) but he’s lashing out in frustration as the situation is intolerable for him.

I understand your desire is to push on with it, but I think you’re sticking your head in the sand and hoping the problem goes away. It won’t, but it will reach boiling point.

You’re all clearly unhappy with the living situation, and something badly needs to change. She needs to leave, and you could look at what her options are when it comes to independent living. What impact this is having/will have on your relationship with your husband is a separate issue.

I’d like to understand why your husband reneged on the agreement to move. After 12 years of you living near his family.

OP says:

"My family lives in a small place with nothing around and not much to do, but beautiful and near my aging parents. Just as we were starting to house hunt he said he diesnt want to, that he'd be deeply unhappy and wants to stay where we are in big city with lots going on."

Even the niece wants to move to the city. What's the draw for the DH to move? The niece was going to live with them at the other place too. So he's meant to leave the place where there's lots going on for the prospect of nothing to do except looking after his niece and his aging in-laws? What's not to understand?

I think the reality of living full time with someone who seems very self centred - possibly because of her disability- must be very hard. Now - even though you say she is improving - he has a fixed mindset about her. I must say, I do have a lot of sympathy for him,this is his home as well as yours and I'd find the situation you have described, very wearing on a long term basis.

Can the two of you go on holiday, or could niece ? How long has she been living with you and what's the plans to get her independent enough to be in her own place?

I couldn't leave the city where I'm happy to move closer to my own ageing parents let alone my in-laws!

Yes, it's not rocket science. I wouldn't want to leave either.

DH is being an abusive arse to a vulnerable young woman. I wonder how he treats you.

Great post.

He sounds truly awful.

You have given up so much for what?

Him?

He sounds awful.

Your niece does sound spoiled but I can absolutely understand why and she IS taking on board what has been said.

You sound so lovely and deserve so much better than all this sacrifice for the likes of him.

My family lives in a small place with nothing around and not much to do, but beautiful and near my aging parents. Just as we were starting to house hunt he said he diesnt want to, that he'd be deeply unhappy and wants to stay where we are in big city with lots going on."
Is the plan to move near your parents so you can care for them? Can understand why he's not hugely keen to do so if so.
Are you/husband both working? I'd be pissed off if I came home from work to a messy house with a 22 year floating about having multiple outfit changes (average 4 in one day?!) Even just because of the cost of the machine loads!

What's this about her mother taking out debt in her daughter's name?

If she can take driving lessons and go to an art course she can do her own washing surely? He's going about it wrong by getting angry but I agree with him. I couldn't take someone in and then do everything for them if they are actually able to do things themselves.

Wow, indeed!!! I missed this when I read the OP.

This is very concerning.