Hi all! I really need some advice, so much so ive signed up just to male this post. A while ago DH amd i were going to move back to be near my family after 12 years near his. My family lives in a small place with nothing around and not much to do, but beautiful and near my aging parents. Just as we were starting to house hunt he said he diesnt want to, that hed be deeply unhappy and wants to stay where we are in big city with lots gping on. We talked and compromised that we will stay up here and ill take long trips diwn there over the coming years. Fine. Neice (my sisters daughter) was going to come live with us when we moved, weve always had her for extebded stays and always offered for her to move to city to see some city life before we were moving back to my parents, so when plans changed DH said she can still mpve with us up here. Also thats part of my family with me, as i miss them dearly.
Now 6 weeks into her moving in with us and hes being so horrible to her. Finding fault im every thing she does. Shes staying im her room as feels he doesnt want her there. On the occasion when he has a few beers its worse, he creates massive argunents. He said he said she could stay as i agreed to stay in city, but hes not making any effort.
Now, she is disabled so cant work, but is paying her way towards bills and all her food, so not costing us more. Shes a very young 22, has been quite coddled by family due to her ilness, so to me this a chance for her to get some supported independance. Weve had to talk to her about cleaning up after herself, and ive had to mention the ridculous amounts of washing she seems to produce (wearing about 4 outfits a day at times when not leaving the house!). But shes taken it on board and madw the change. Shes now scared to male a sandwich in case she leaves a crumb and he has a go at her. Every covnersation theu have seems to be him having a dig.
Ive tried to be a problem solver and understand his side, ask how we can change it. Shes taken on board what he suggested but he just doesnt seem to have time for her.
Latest outburst last night i asked him to help me with the washing and move it from washer to dryer, he came in angry that most pf it was hers. Said shes need to do her own washing. Now i knew the next lpads i had was nearly all ours, his mostly, jist the light/dark split seems to be hers and ours. The problem i get is if i try to offer an explanation like that he diesnt want to hear. I said im happy doing it, as i am his, and ive not asked her for help. He says she should be offfering but always seems to forget her disability, she can barely get up stairs without risking a stroke, so im happy to do an extra load od washing a week, or coom her meal while i cook ours (sometimes she eats same, sometimes she has different). He says his opinion doesnt count, he may as well not bother and then walked off and sent rest of evening upstairs in bedroom complaning 'independance my arse'. I feel hes acting like a child, he seems to lose all his manners and is just plain nasty sometines. I was brought up that if u havent got anything nice to say dont say it.
I feel stuck, he has a go but doesnt seem to want to work at resolving things. Why say she could come if he so obviously doesnt want her here. It makes me glad we never had our own children as he cant seem to male any room in his life to accomodate someone else or their feelings. Shes suffered badly with depression amd if she had to go back home (to a controlling mother who takes out debt in her name) i think it would send her on a downwards slope. Plus i dont want her to leave. I want to be living back home near my family, sharing occasions and the mundae with them. I compromised and stayed here, he said she could stay. If he regrets it thats on him surely. I feel he needs to grow up amd start being polite and respectful to others and also try to bloody care!
But, i want all views, if im being unreasonable please offer me some help as to what i cam do better too. I dont want to be the A.