To pull away from my close friendship because of her kids

[abouttimeforu]

My close friendship is with my sister. We are extremely close. My child can be very challenging , currently waiting on ASD assessment , attention seeking and has a hard time managing his anger although this has improved greatly .
My child struggles socially and doesn't have many friends.
He is also so kind and loving, very sensitive , thoughtful and funny He is 11.

My sister's two children are by and large, rude and moody. Their mother will often put this down to tiredness and hunger but reality is they are actually just rude and moody, mostly

They will engage with my child when there's no other option but if there are other kids around, they will practically ignore him.
So for example if we were grouping up for an activity, they will purposely say that they want to do x with 'Jen' and completely omit to mention my child's name or include him.
Despite him being the only one left out.
My sister does not intervene or correct them. I would be disgusted if my kids did this and very ashamed tbh.

Her attitude is that they don't have to socialise with people they don't want to socialise with .... until they have no one else and then ask to socialise with my
Child .He has been too available .. my fault.

To me he seems only good enough for them as a stand in but tbh I'm highly sensitive about this issue and biased.
I am very protective of himSo at times I am guilty of overthinking and over reacting when it comes to how I view his interactions with others , when In fact, he is absolutely fine with being on his own sometimes.

My child is always with me when we see my sister and her family. I generally make the effort more as her kids are younger and I have the time.

I think that for my sons self esteem and general happiness, I need to move away from the intensity of the contact , when with my child. He craves their attention and his self worth is so low that he will tolerate being second choice or not a choice at all, as the case may be.
This has only developed recently and I'm
Disgusted if I'm honest but then again , I'm highly sensitive when it comes to him.

My sister has zero insight with her own kids and has never once stepped in and said to her children, for example, to include my child or insist that he be part of a specific group that they were creating. They feel
Very Comfortable leaving him out and she feels very comfortable enabling that .
So, can you advise me here. I really need objectivity thanks.

I will add again that I can be very defensive as he was always labelled the 'troublemaker' which he was mostly, but not always, and always the one that was blamed when there was trouble among them... again, it was mostly him but not always. He has that label now though sadly as it has stuck.
Thanks .

What do mean where am I going?

I’m pointing out that you are visiting your niece and her friend who is a girl is coming over to play. She may have started her periods. She may want to talk about things that are awkward to talk about in front of a boy.

I was pointing out that you and other posters keep saying that it’s rude to exclude a guest. I was saying that your DS drops over all the time and they are not inviting him. At what age is it acceptable to understand that a young girl may want time alone with a girl friend away from a boy? 15? 14?

it’s not sexually inappropriate, it’s just age inappropriate. She may be trying to exclude him because she wants time alone with her friend!

Well that took a weird turn.

She's being rude and her behaviour mean because a ' better option' has come along so she dumps him, while we are visiting and nobody bats an eyelid at this behaviour. That's my point.

They have great chats and fun until then.

She simply dumps him.

At no stage did I say he's not invited over or he's there all the time 
I said that we often do spend free time together. At each other's homes and holiday together.

Sometimes the simplest explanation is the truth@MarieRoseMarie .

@IAmWomanHearMeRoar1

We are talking about kids who normally happily play together. Kids who dump someone else in favour of someone 'better'

Basic, very very basic, good manners.

I would expect better manners from my children in this scenario, yes. You do not exclude people because it's hurtful and unnecessary.

You want to see people by themselves then by all means tell me and I will help you arrange that too.

So @IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 , your friend Mary pops over for a brew. Uninvited but that's ok.

Then your friend Sally comes over too. You find Sally a lot more interesting. But do you then totally ignore Mary in favour of Sally even though they are both in your house?

Or do you show basic courtesy and talk to them both, making them both feel welcome?

Surely that is what yo y want your dcs to learn,? Courtesy. Learning to manage scenarios with grace and good manners?

@BlastedPimples The analogy doesn’t hold because when someone pops over uninvited you still have the option of telling them that now is not a good time! You still have the ability to uninvite them. These cousins never have that ability. They are not inviting their cousin and have no ability to say “not today”.

It’s more like if you invite your friend Sally over but before she arrives your other friend Mary who you didn’t invite over arrived like she does every other day uninvited. She has a key and comes and goes whenever she likes. You are never allowed to uninvite her. She comes over regardless and you have no say in the matter. Every week she comes over.

Are you an evil meanie if sometimes you just want to play with Sally not Mary?

@MarieRoseMarie
Where are you pulling this narrative out of 🤣
Your imaginary stories are getting ridiculous now ....seriously .
I've given you the basic information about how things work with us but you seem intent on misconstruing the facts.
I give up !

I wonder if the ND is a red herring. They are pre teens now not little children. The easy days of shoving all the kids together “to play” because the adults get on do come to an end sadly. You need to adjust to it - see your sister on your own without kids? Would be a shame to damage your relationship due to this.

I’m genuinely confused that you are so perplexed by this.

she’s an 11 year old girl and your niece.

maybe she is a vile bitchy bully and you are right to agree with all the comments blasting her as a mean evil bitch who’ll get her comeuppance. Or maybe she’s nearly a teenager and there is more going on here.

Either way it seems like staying away from them is the right call.

I wonder if the ND is a red herring. They are pre teens now not little children. The easy days of shoving all the kids together “to play” because the adults get on do come to an end sadly
Agree with this.
The idea that children should be friends just because their parents are friends/they're related is unrealistic.

I like my cousins, always have, we played out as children, and we meet up a couple of times a year as adults with our own children, but they're not my friends and if I had a choice between my cousins or my friends at 11 I'd have picked my friends.

The adults need to separate their relationships from their children's relationship.

My Dd and niece who are literally 2 months apart in age friendship ebbs and flows. They were close for a while but have drifted rather through as they have different interests now they are both young teens. No drama and it wouldn’t for a moment affect my relationship with my lovely sister - which is far too strong and precious to be damaged by the whims of 13 year old girls….