To pull away from my close friendship because of her kids

[abouttimeforu]

My close friendship is with my sister. We are extremely close. My child can be very challenging , currently waiting on ASD assessment , attention seeking and has a hard time managing his anger although this has improved greatly .
My child struggles socially and doesn't have many friends.
He is also so kind and loving, very sensitive , thoughtful and funny He is 11.

My sister's two children are by and large, rude and moody. Their mother will often put this down to tiredness and hunger but reality is they are actually just rude and moody, mostly

They will engage with my child when there's no other option but if there are other kids around, they will practically ignore him.
So for example if we were grouping up for an activity, they will purposely say that they want to do x with 'Jen' and completely omit to mention my child's name or include him.
Despite him being the only one left out.
My sister does not intervene or correct them. I would be disgusted if my kids did this and very ashamed tbh.

Her attitude is that they don't have to socialise with people they don't want to socialise with .... until they have no one else and then ask to socialise with my
Child .He has been too available .. my fault.

To me he seems only good enough for them as a stand in but tbh I'm highly sensitive about this issue and biased.
I am very protective of himSo at times I am guilty of overthinking and over reacting when it comes to how I view his interactions with others , when In fact, he is absolutely fine with being on his own sometimes.

My child is always with me when we see my sister and her family. I generally make the effort more as her kids are younger and I have the time.

I think that for my sons self esteem and general happiness, I need to move away from the intensity of the contact , when with my child. He craves their attention and his self worth is so low that he will tolerate being second choice or not a choice at all, as the case may be.
This has only developed recently and I'm
Disgusted if I'm honest but then again , I'm highly sensitive when it comes to him.

My sister has zero insight with her own kids and has never once stepped in and said to her children, for example, to include my child or insist that he be part of a specific group that they were creating. They feel
Very Comfortable leaving him out and she feels very comfortable enabling that .
So, can you advise me here. I really need objectivity thanks.

I will add again that I can be very defensive as he was always labelled the 'troublemaker' which he was mostly, but not always, and always the one that was blamed when there was trouble among them... again, it was mostly him but not always. He has that label now though sadly as it has stuck.
Thanks .

No, I was a victim of bullying. Throughout primary school and high school. I almost took my life. But thank you for your ignorance. It appears you're the one with bullying attitudes who think a child should be made to feel uncomfortable. Your selfishness and lack of compassion is obvious.

Yabu op yes they are cousins but it doesn't sound like they are friends. You say your son has been very difficult and aggressive in the past which is likely why they have that barrier up. Hopefully as they get older and they see that was down to frustrating and isn't him, things will change.

Exactly this.

Not at all. At no point have I said they should be forced to play together. I said the opposite in fact. I said the OP needs to keep her child away from them.

You however clearly see nothing wrong with using people then purposely excluding them to their face. You don't recognise that as nasty for some reason.

My son has autism and adhd so not being mean op I do understand but I know he used to pull away himself from other ASD children as he found certain behaviours too much sometimes and caused him to have meltdowns himself. It's very difficult. It does get better though I've found.

This is just nasty. Have you just not bothered to read? A lack of discipline would have allowed this behaviour to continue and probably get worse as DS aged. But OP has been clear from the start that she’s worked hard to help her DS learn to regulate his emotions so it doesn’t happen now.

The issue here is the residual effect of his relationship history with his cousins and the fact they have no trust for each other and the cousins don’t trust him or want to give him a chance. It isn’t that he’s aggressive now.

As Smoothlines above said, you don't need to play with or talk to someone every single time you see them. For some reason you cannot grasp that concept. Your idea that a child can't choose to go off with their friends on occasion is quite frankly, bizarre. You seem to have a need to control and force friendships. That's a bullying behaviour seen in adults who were school bullies.

You're just making stuff up now. Try reading what I said. I do not think they should play together. I do not think the OP should be putting her child in the position to be rejected by these children.

I read your posts. You said that the cousins leaving OP's son out, is nasty. You said; Purposely and intentionally leaving someone out is nasty.

I said, it's human nature to want to associate with whom you want to associate with.

To which you said I was a 'bully' because I wanted to choose my own friends.

Now you are saying you don't think they should play together. Make up your mind.

I said from the start they shouldn't play together. They are not friends. The cousins just use him when there is no one else around. Because they are not friends.

And actually it is nasty even for a friend to purposely and intentionally exclude someone when other friends are around. Yes, it is normal to do different things with different friends, but it is not normal to refuse to engage with one friend just because others are around.

Of course the socialise when there's no other option! Even adults do this. Eg work events.

Yes. It's completely, totally normal.

Except they're not friends. The cousins didn't ask him over, then exclude them. You would have a point if they asked a few friends around, and then excluded one. He was there because his mother was visiting his sister. Not because the cousins asked him over. It wasn't their choice for him to be there.

It sounds like they do try when it’s just the three of them, but they’d rather be with their friends if they have the option to. That sounds pretty normal tbh.

Exactly this.

For context... they are / were friends. We are/ were all very close.

And it would be silly to throw 'a very close friendship' away because an 11 and 13 YO are acting like an 11 and 13 YO.

They're not friends now. Friends don't treat friends like that.

Well, apparently some friends on this thread do. But good friends don't. Just keep him away from them. They've made their attitudes clear and your sister's too.

@IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 you clearly didn't read my posts in their entirety.

Teaching your children autonomy etc etc is nonsense. These are the basic parenting skills that are naturally instilled by us from the get go. Nothing new here.
Don't insult my parenting.
I am doing the very best I can and am armed with knowledge and training to support my children who are clearly ND.
You come across as deeply unpleasant and intolerant.

Really? Or are you just pretending to yourself?

But three children playing together (especially across sexes) can get a bit like this. It sounds to me like you should just be there less. Why is your son at their house hanging out with their friends and neighbours? Especially if they don’t get along!

Don’t you think it’s a bit weird that he is hanging out there when they have friends over?

They aren’t 5. They are 11. To them it probably feels like your son is always there in their house tagging along to everything they do. ND or not, he doesn’t live there! You are 100% right to pull back and stop going over.

I was a girl’s girl at 11. I didn’t really hang out with boys. I wanted girl mates. Having a random boy cousin (ND or not) in my house everyday trying to play with my friends would drive me crazy.

I should have said @ @IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 , that boasting about teaching your children autonomy etc etc etc...

Teaching your children autonomy etc etc is nonsense.

Are you serious? Are you honestly saying you don't believe in teaching your child autonomy and that they have a right to feel safe? Is that what you're actually saying, or have I interpreted this wrongly?

And you accuse me of coming across as deeply unpleasant and intolerant? Look at your own aggressive, vicious and nasty attacks.

Where was I 'boasting'? All I said is that I believe in teaching them they have the right to autonomy and right to feel safe. I am no more 'boasting' in that, than you are boasting that you believe in forcing your son on their cousins.

In fact, based on what you’ve said, I’m not even sure they are leaving him out due to past behaviour or ND, I just think they are growing up and are sick of having group play dates like little children.

No@Smoothlines , they are. I have no interest in making anything up when most pps have been so good to give me their advice and opinions.
Anyway , I've made my decision to pull way back and not put any of them in uncomfortable positions anymore bu being in their company unless necessary. Thanks so much to those for their sensitivity and common sense. I really appreciate when people give me objective advice and viewpoints that I hadn't thought of. It can be hard not to be blinkered when you love your child so much and feel so deeply when they are excluded or going through their own personal hell.
I really do appreciate your responses and hopefully the thread will have sown some seeds for those who are not used to these scenarios or have experience with ND. Or troubled children.

You've said that your sister is very defensive about her kids and you admit to being very defensive about your kids.

I can't see any conversation about the issue going well.