To pull away from my close friendship because of her kids

[abouttimeforu]

My close friendship is with my sister. We are extremely close. My child can be very challenging , currently waiting on ASD assessment , attention seeking and has a hard time managing his anger although this has improved greatly .
My child struggles socially and doesn't have many friends.
He is also so kind and loving, very sensitive , thoughtful and funny He is 11.

My sister's two children are by and large, rude and moody. Their mother will often put this down to tiredness and hunger but reality is they are actually just rude and moody, mostly

They will engage with my child when there's no other option but if there are other kids around, they will practically ignore him.
So for example if we were grouping up for an activity, they will purposely say that they want to do x with 'Jen' and completely omit to mention my child's name or include him.
Despite him being the only one left out.
My sister does not intervene or correct them. I would be disgusted if my kids did this and very ashamed tbh.

Her attitude is that they don't have to socialise with people they don't want to socialise with .... until they have no one else and then ask to socialise with my
Child .He has been too available .. my fault.

To me he seems only good enough for them as a stand in but tbh I'm highly sensitive about this issue and biased.
I am very protective of himSo at times I am guilty of overthinking and over reacting when it comes to how I view his interactions with others , when In fact, he is absolutely fine with being on his own sometimes.

My child is always with me when we see my sister and her family. I generally make the effort more as her kids are younger and I have the time.

I think that for my sons self esteem and general happiness, I need to move away from the intensity of the contact , when with my child. He craves their attention and his self worth is so low that he will tolerate being second choice or not a choice at all, as the case may be.
This has only developed recently and I'm
Disgusted if I'm honest but then again , I'm highly sensitive when it comes to him.

My sister has zero insight with her own kids and has never once stepped in and said to her children, for example, to include my child or insist that he be part of a specific group that they were creating. They feel
Very Comfortable leaving him out and she feels very comfortable enabling that .
So, can you advise me here. I really need objectivity thanks.

I will add again that I can be very defensive as he was always labelled the 'troublemaker' which he was mostly, but not always, and always the one that was blamed when there was trouble among them... again, it was mostly him but not always. He has that label now though sadly as it has stuck.
Thanks .

That sounds tough especially as it’s your sister.

I think you need to have a frank chat with her about her kids excluding your child or picking him as a last resort. If she still does nothing I agree take some time and space from the relationship to protect your DS

She is of the opinion that her kids should only interact with who they want to interact with ,when they want to do that.
Problem is ... my child is good enough only when others not around.
She is massively defensive regarding her kids to the point that I'm often go smacked at the nonsense she comes up with for frankly , rude and stroppy behaviour.
I have made my feelings very clear by my actions and reactions lately but we have not had a chance to sit and talk about this.
She cannot handle any criticism of her kids .

How old are your sister's children?

11 & 13.

Eh, I thought you said her kids were younger? 🤔

13 is a typo. It should be 12 . Her other child is younger at 11. There are literally months between them on either side.
Have you any advice ?

Your OP says your sister's kids are younger?

What kind of trouble has occurred between them to have caused this level of friction?

Is it worth talking directly to your sister's kids about not leaving your child out? I have an autistic child and I empathise with having to watch them be ignored at times, it's really heart-wrenching isn't it?

In the past , my child had angry outbursts and would shout and generally be aggressive and bossy.
He tried to control social
Situations . He doesn't do this anymore 99% of the time.
He became the ' bad guy' over time so regardless of what happened in a disagreement it was always...' Billy's fault...'
He has had a lot more f support woth emotional regulation and we see a huge change. He manages himself better . He just wants to belong but he can be loud and attention seeking and annoying to kids but for the most part gets on relatively well with other kids.
They just seem to disrespect
Him now and his mother enables this.
Whatever my kids want....

I generally make the effort more as her kids are younger and I have the time.
This sentence makes no sense for ages 11 & 12. I appreciate it's useful to mask identity to some degree, but it does matter what the ages are.

Family will always be there, and they are rapidly moving away from the age where kids "play". What's most important is to help socialise your son with lots of other kids his age so that he makes his own friends. See the cousins when it's just family to avoid the pick-other-friends issues, and try not to expect too much of 11 & 12yo, they are more likely to push against being told they must be friendly.

Sorry but they don't have to play with or include your child just because he is their cousin. If there was no familial connection they wouldn't choose to be his friend so you can't force the friendship on to them. It is up to you whether you still want to socialise and remain close with her but you can't force cousins to be friends just because they are related.

To state what I thought was obvious ... of course they don't ' have ' to play with him but when we are on holidays together as we normally do once or twice per year or when we have family events eg garden partys or birthday events , all of the kids hand around together.
He is deliberately and actively excluded of there isn't a better option as they see it.

Kind, loving, sensitive, funny children who have problems managing their anger do not tend to come across as kind, loving, sensitive and funny to other kids. And if his cousins have had 11 years of putting up with him they may have learnt to cut him out to protect themselves.

You see his difficulties from an adult perspective, but they will see a peer who cannot be trusted.

Since he’s learning to control his temper now, I think you probably need to find him new friends to play with for a few years who won’t have this history with him. In four or five years time they may be able to start fresh as friends.

See your sister when you can without the kids around. Don’t let your kids’ difficulties with each other come between you.

Thames for the insight.
Can I ask why you think they like to engage with him when there no other option in that case ? Should I pull him away from his cousins also?

Completely agree with this.
It's tough OP. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Thanks ...*

At their ages, I would agree with your sister that they have a choice in who they socialise with. Given what you've said about aggressive behaviour, I can understand why your sister's children have withdrawn.

Have a chat with your sister, explain how you feel? You can't force their relationship though, so it might be worth seeing your sister alone for the time being. Are there any clubs he could join to develop a social group? Are there any local activity groups that accommodate SEN classes as that might be worth looking into.

Believe me , I have tried everything to get him involved but he is so anxious he really only leaves the house for school... with lots of emcouragemt ... or with me , to be with others with whom he is comfortable.

That's tricky, I can see both sides. Must be hard to see your son being left out. I think it would be good to create alternative opportunities for him to socialise with others in a controlled environment, so that you're not relying too much on your nieces for social experiences(not sure how much he interacts with others outside of school?)
Sounds like he needs a lot of role modelling around how to build relationships and interact with others, to build up his confidence and self-esteem. Might be something to look into, especially if ASD

Kind, loving, sensitive, funny children who have problems managing their anger do not tend to come across as kind, loving, sensitive and funny to other kids. And if his cousins have had 11 years of putting up with him they may have learnt to cut him out to protect themselves

This is true. How did you handle it when your son behaved like this towards his younger cousins? did you expect them just to put up with it? Not suggesting you did, its just that they won't have forgotten; for all you know, they could have been scared. & Yet at the same time expected to interact with your son because he's their cousin. No matter what explanations you may have given them (& even if you did, they're children they cannot look at things from an adult's perspective), no matter your expectations, actions do speak louder than words.

I had an aggressive cousin and when I and my siblings were little we'd dread him coming around. It felt like impending doom.

Anyway, making new friends, bringing him where he'll be more understood will be good for him since he's growing older now.

I wouldn't want to hang out with someone who you describe as being bossy, aggressive and controlling in social situations either. The children are probably scared of him. You can try educating them about his particular needs. But no one should be forced to spend time with someone they are uncomfortable with either.

I Wouk absolutely withdraw. Autistic children's mental health is so fragile at the best of times and they really don't need poorly parented unpleasant children in their lives, even if they are related.

Your child has a disability. A fact which is being overlooked by your sister and most of the posters on this thread. As ever, the disablism on MN is alive and well.

I'm sorry you and he are going through this.

You are aware you child has issues but you are blaming everyone else for not wanting to be with your child

You are not to blame for his behaviour but you expect everyone else to just put up with it?

You appear to be justifying it but then everyone else is 'wrong' and you seem to have issues with children that are roughly the same age your child?

TBH, just because they are cousins doesn't automatically make them friends. I'd pull away for the sake of all.

When he was younger , I spent my time in his and their so pant stressed and always hyper vigilant for the next issue that would inevitably arise.
What actually happened through time was that whether he was involved or not, it always came neck to Billy... it was always his fault ... even when it wasn't so I now challenge that throw away comment every single time and it has dissipated as you can imagine .
I had a light bulb moment regarding this some months ago and shouted enough!
He has not been aggressive, bossy , centillion gets for a long time now but I understand why they are wary .
It is the picking him up and dropping him when they choose that is killing me .
Their disrespect for him is enormous also.
Yes, it is hard .
I'm going to pull right back from now on. For everyone's sakes .