To think I'm doing parenting all wrong?

[user1005]

When I was pregnant, I had all these amazing ideas about what kind of mum I was going to be. Turns out I'm the complete opposite! Had a bit of a cry this evening, as I just feel like I'm failing as a mum and doing everything wrong! DD is currently 7 months and is generally a happy baby, but I still can't shake the feeling that everything is going wrong...

1. Firstly, I was adamant that I wasn't going to give DD a dummy. I lasted 4 weeks and then caved in and gave her one. Now she's heavily attached to it and wakes up screaming if it falls out of her mouth.
2. DD is yet to sleep through the night and still wakes up every 2-3 hours and I feed to sleep (another thing I was adamant I wasn't going to do!)
3. She sleeps in my bed and is yet to go in her own cot, unlike many of the other babies at the baby groups we go to.
4. Tried baby led weaning which was a complete fail and DD will only eat puréed foods. I'm worried this will hold her back from developing her fine motor skills as I'm spoon feeding her, rather than her picking up the food herself.
5. I am still breastfeeding every 3 hours/on demand.

Can anyone tell me if these things are normal for her age? All the babies at the groups we go to seem to be sleeping through the night, eating 3 meals a day and sleeping in their own room! It genuinely makes me feel like a bad mum that I haven't managed to get my DD to do any of these things. Please could anyone offer any reassurance for an emotional, sleep deprived first time mum 😢

Sounds like you’re doing great to me! Don’t be hard on yourself. Something that helped me with relaxing about weaning was someone telling me ‘food is for fun until they’re one’ so basically it’s all about experimenting with food at the moment and milk is still their main source of nutrition. So take the pressure off and relax about it if you can.

I did all of these, apart from dummy which I couldn't get mine to take. My kids are now teenagers and lovely kids, although I'm biased!! I think most people instinctively know how to parent and following your instincts is fine.

Did this with all 4 of mine and I don't see anything wrong with it! You are doing amazing! Well done!

Its fine. Chill.

Ok so DS had a dummy, woke constantly until he was 3, didn't sleep one night in his own bed until he was 5 and lived off vegetable soup (please don't ask) has turned out to be amazingly bright, co-ordinated and lovely..

He taught himself to read age 3 and is the best wee buddy you can ever think of.

I breastfed him until 18m.

You do whatever you have to do, parenthood at this stage is about survival. Get you and baby through this and you'll be grand. Promise. Things get better once they start nursery.

I also have an 19m old who sleeps all night, not one night in ours etc. she's the whirlwind child that makes me cry a lot because I can't get anything done when she's awake.

Parenting is hard. Try to have a bath and eat good food, you'll laugh about this someday. Promise.

100% normal, nothing to even stress about there! I’ve never understood the dummy snobbery personally, there’s nothing wrong with them.

Bless you. All normal in my reasonably recent experience of with my two. You are not a bad mum. The saying goes that the fact you are worrying means you are a good mum.

It's all well and good thinking about how you want to parent before you have your baby, but the reality can be very different. You have to do what you need to to survive.

My second coslept from birth til 14 months. Has since slept much better in her own cot than my first. However my first took 2.5 years for her sleep to consistently settle and now at 4, very rarely wakes. She doesn't ever come in with us when she did a lot up until 2.5. They take their own time.

If your baby is only 7 months, they aren't old enough really to have given baby led weaning a good go. As much as we can have a preferred method, baby will have their own preferences too. A child nutritionist I follow suggests offering a certain food.on both puree and finger food at the same time.

Stop over thinking things!

Im on team sleep! Whatever works that get everyone some sleep.
Ignore the competitive parents - it’s annoying and pointless.

Stop worrying what other people are doing! I’m sure they’re sugar coating things and have their own struggles too. I’m not a mum but have lots of friends who are and all sounds very normal to me. Enjoy this time with your baby and do what works best for you. ❤️

Yes to all of these! To be fair the puréed food one was because my DC (now teens) were born before the the baby led weaning thing became popular, when we were all doing Annabel Karmel. So that one was deliberate.

Anyway, they're all doing absolutely fine now. Bright and healthy and happy! She'll be fine.

You’re a lovely mom who’s responding to your children’s needs… maybe you’re a bit lost in it all? As in maybe a child free hour or two going for a swim or a walk in town or something you enjoy would give you more perspective? Can you get childcare for a few hours and get some headspace?

I never did baby led weaning and mine have turned out fine.
They were pureed spoon fed for ages.
Oldest had a dummy, 2nd didn't want one, it depends on the child.

Sleeping through the night seems to be pot luck from what I've seen with family and friends.

You need to chill a bit.

Sounds like you are doing fine
adapting you your baby rather than making them fit the current trends
bedsharing is normal in lots of cultures and is actually setting your baby up well for good sleep later.
babies fine motor skills do not only develop at he dinner table
my daughter picked up the tiniest bit of fluff off the carpet, she could find the tiniest crumb in a freshly vacuumed room.
I would say to let go of the mum you thought you were going to be and embrace the one you are you’ll start having a more joyful time with your little one.
trust your gut, follow your babies lead and ignore the mums who say that their baby sleeps through.
some babies are easy sleepers, some are hard (mine woke hourly for 10 months) now we get 4 hour stretches at 15 months.
some babies are sleep trained and have learnt no one comes if they cry so it’s safer to stay quiet until morning

Is your baby alive and well at the end of every day? Then all is well.

My kids are 9 and 7 years old. I have never been the parent I wanted to be. Sometimes im better and most of the time im worse. But I've learnt you need to parent the child you have not the imaginary one you wanted.

You say she is generally a happy baby. You are a good mum.
I wasn't giving a dummy either...until I did. She kept it until she was three. Teeth were fine. Speech was actually incredibly clear at a very young age.
My dd was a bloody nightmare for sleep. I had to take her in with me or we would probably all have died from exhaustion. We did bed hopping for years with both kids. Our eldest was still getting up through the night for a feed until about 16 months because she was very, very little. She didn't sleep through until 7!
She is now on the verge of becoming a teen and I have to wake her in the morning. It astounds me as I genuinely thought she was taking part in some sort of experiment to see what point you stopped functioning on very little sleep.
She has gone through phases of not liking certain foods. Loving something one week and being disgusted by the mere mention of it the next. I still ask if she is liking carrots before I start cooking as it became a standing joke how much it would flip.
You can have read all the parenting manuals but your dd hasn't. They are their own little person. Follow their lead. It is hard and all mums question if they are doing things right. Anyone who says they are sure about everything and have never questioned themselves is either lying or doesn't actually care about their kids.

You are NOT a bad mum. None of this sounds that way at all.

I just wrote practically a whole essay but deleted it.

There are LOADS of us out here who breastfed on demand, and co-sleep. Those are perfectly natural ways of looking after a baby.

Maybe those are not what the people in your class did, but I promise you loads of us do! Because it is what works for us and our children.

I might be projecting here but I wonder if sleep deprivation might be contributing to you feeling down? I don't have an answer, but do you do things like nap when she naps? I found I had to do this to cope.

I am sorry you are feeling so awful. Would it help to talk to/read about/try to meet mothers who have a more similar parenting style to you? To get some emotional support?

When I look at my 9 year old thumb sucker…oh how I wish I’d have persevered with a dummy.

best thing is not to compare - enjoy your baby!

I remember feeling like this with my first. I read books that recommended strict routines with babies and nearly drive myself mad trying to follow it! And feeling like a failure when it didn’t work.
You are doing just fine. There are no rules. Mine all fed on puréed food and can eat a steak now no bother! It won’t hold baby back.
My 3 are all teenagers now and they’re doing just fine!
Try to relax, don’t compare! You and baby are doing very well.

Hey your doing great lol wana swap..we have twin year olds and a 2 and u forget what sleep is if one isn't fussing its another. Seems a little young to focus heavily on weaning tho. Maybe try the cot. Ours have slept in cots since 6 months and much as I loved cuddling them nights its better for them as mainly at least 2 sleep all night. Trust me lil one will give up the dummy when she's ready. One of our twins has stopped herself wanting the dummy in the last few day while the other doesn't have it in the day but will still want it in her bed . Dont worry about it your doing good 🙂

Sounds exactly like me a couple of months back.

Had a huge turn around at 9 months. Now sleeps 8-8 most of the time unless he has a nightmare bless him.

And now all the other perfect group babies are waking again. So it swings in roundabouts.

And as a side note about the perfect group babies which totally made me despair at my failures. Turns out none of them were actually ever sleeping through. Rather ‘sleeping through’ was an odd definition everyone had adopted which involved a false start, then waking at 5 to start the day 🤣

You are doing perfectly - and responding to your child’s needs

I think this shows that people can have an idea of parenting from afar but that doesn’t mean much until they actually experience it

same with me - I told myself I’d never use a dummy too!

If you had told me 5 years ago that I'd be sat here at 2am, my baby DD feeding ME her Farley's rusk as we speak, in my DS's tiny toddler bed, because he is sprawled across my bed with DH and the dog, after he bloody woke us all up, I wouldn't have believed you. preconceptions of parenting dont count for much!! It sounds like you need to let go of yours... you are being a lovely caring mother by the sounds of things and following your instincts, keep it up x

You had ideas about he type of things you’d do when you were pregnant……before you knew exactly what babies were like! Now you know and you’re doing what actually works for your baby.

7 months is still really little. I was still feeding every three hours at that point and had no success with BLW with any of my kids.

Yeah, I wasn’t going to us a dummy either. Now I think they are bloody brilliant!

I wasn’t going to have DD in bed with us either as I was so worried about SIDS and safe sleeping. Turns out we all sleep better with DD in bed with us and following the lullaby trust guidelines.

As circumstances (and my own experiences) changed, so did my opinions. Do what works for you, not what you thought would work for you. In my case, there is a huge difference between the two.

And, remember, the only perfect parent is one who doesn’t have children yet.