To think I'm doing parenting all wrong?

[user1005]

When I was pregnant, I had all these amazing ideas about what kind of mum I was going to be. Turns out I'm the complete opposite! Had a bit of a cry this evening, as I just feel like I'm failing as a mum and doing everything wrong! DD is currently 7 months and is generally a happy baby, but I still can't shake the feeling that everything is going wrong...

1. Firstly, I was adamant that I wasn't going to give DD a dummy. I lasted 4 weeks and then caved in and gave her one. Now she's heavily attached to it and wakes up screaming if it falls out of her mouth.
2. DD is yet to sleep through the night and still wakes up every 2-3 hours and I feed to sleep (another thing I was adamant I wasn't going to do!)
3. She sleeps in my bed and is yet to go in her own cot, unlike many of the other babies at the baby groups we go to.
4. Tried baby led weaning which was a complete fail and DD will only eat puréed foods. I'm worried this will hold her back from developing her fine motor skills as I'm spoon feeding her, rather than her picking up the food herself.
5. I am still breastfeeding every 3 hours/on demand.

Can anyone tell me if these things are normal for her age? All the babies at the groups we go to seem to be sleeping through the night, eating 3 meals a day and sleeping in their own room! It genuinely makes me feel like a bad mum that I haven't managed to get my DD to do any of these things. Please could anyone offer any reassurance for an emotional, sleep deprived first time mum 😢

I think it sounds like you are doing great. Dd2 co slept and fed every two hours in the night until she was nearly a year. Only reason she didn't have a dummy was because she wouldn't take. I spent a fortune trying to find one she would take. She's nearly 5 now and is the most confident hilarious little person who happily sleeps all night in her bed often until 8/9am at the weekends (yes we are living the dream!!)

Ignore the other parents. All babies are different and you are giving your baby what she needs. To me that's doing everything right

@user1005 you are doing brilliantly!
Sleep deprivation can ring out the worst feelings - have been there! You are worried you are not doing anything right ...when actually you are!
I breastfeed my DD in 3 hour internals at that age during the night.
She didn't take to a dummy - threw it or just dropped it! Preferred Mummy boob only 🤪

Have you tried moving her into her own cot...just a slow transition? Maybe for a nap in the day? I tried this although my DD was a terrible napper...half an hour and done! But she slowly got used to the cot from a bassinet next to my bed and liked the feeling of having more room etc....
Also a gro bag helped.

Foods are absolutely for fun before one!
Purée avocado, apple, carrot, mango, peas,squished banana ,

You are doing great!!
X

Also @user1005 I'm sure a previous poster will have already mentioned...take what some mums say at playgroups with a pinch of salt! They may be having similar issues but don't want to say.
You will find your tribe. I always found the honest down to earth mums the best or second time mums - they say it like it is - they have been there!
X

You can only parent the baby you’ve got! DD woke hourly til she was 18 months, and even when I then night-weaned her she kept waking up, and STILL wakes up now at nearly 4, and thus is still regularly in our bed. (Don’t panic, she still sleeps through a bit, sometimes.) I’d be a husk if I hadn’t coslept.

She also fed on demand every 90 minutes til around eight months – again, while “all the other babies” weren’t doing that. But a lot of it is pure lies and when you pin someone down on what sleeping through the night means it turns out they mean 11pm-4am with a dream feed, or “7 to 7 with four wake-ups” or “I’m lying because all the other NCT mums are lying too”.

What I think from reading your post, is that you have ideals that don't align with your babies needs and you've instinctively placed your babies needs above your ideals. That's a really beautiful testament to how well you parent your baby, and the bond that you share that you aren't forcing her out of where her comfort is to do things the way you'd ideally like them.

There is nothing you've said that is wrong.

7 months is still early days of weaning, and tbh I know very few people who are not combination feeding between puree and BLW. My son is 10 months this week, yeah he has a fair amount of finger foods, and he's very good with his food, but it didn't happen over night. Continue offering finger foods but puree is fine too! Especially at this age.

3 meals a day, only means that the baby is being sat infront of food 3 times a day, not that it's successful! Also, it's recommended until 1 that babies are given one meal a day in addition to their milk! So don't stress. My son has 3 meals a day, but mill wasn't sustaining him because he's a very hungry boy.

The dummy thing- that's her comfort for now, allow it, but she's likely to wean herself off it when she doesn't feel she needs it anymore. Sometimes it even happens when ypu size up on dummies or change them to something slightly different.

In regards to sleep, the only parents I know who are getting consistent full nights of sleep have sleep trained their babies. I don't want to do that myself, a lot of mums are still up with their babies multiple times into the 2nd year of their babies life. Please don't think you're doing anything wrong.

It sounds like you're a really lovely mum, doing a great job.
Cut yourself some slack. Enjoy your baby.

.....oh and, breast feeding at 7monthz, that's fabulous. When I engaged with breastfeeding support, the number of mums who were not breastfeeding by 10 weeks was very high (I was one of them- breast feeding wasn't to be for us, just didn't work) but the fact that you're able to and are doing it is another thing you should absolutely celebrate being able to do.

I think you started with unreasonable expectations of babies and your baby didn't fit your script, so you've adapted it.

I'm on baby no 2 and it's funny because some stuff on your list, I was determined to do this time around because it worked with DC1 but it turns out DC2 is a different type of baby. With DC1, pacifiers saved our sanity and DC1 had them until age 3. I also often fed to sleep. So I was all ready to go with this for DC2. Turns out (after much trying to shove one in 😬!) that the poor baby hates pacifiers and has mild reflux so feeding to sleep is not a great idea with her. Go figure! I find it is a lot less stressful with babies just to go with the flow and most things sort themselves out in the end.

1. Lower those standard and expectations you've set for yourself. You don't win a prize for achieving them, so let them go.

1. Stop comparing with other parents and babies. Every baby is different, every parent is different. Go with your gut and stand by it as it is what works for you.

1. You can change sleeping and feeding habits, nothing you've done is permanent or has a lifelong effect so change it up if you like. I don't think it looks like you need to but that's your call.

1. I bet your baby is very happy and content, you're doing a fantastic job and she's lucky to have such a caring and attentive mum

Nothing you’ve described sounds remotely abnormal. Turns out it’s much easier to parent an imaginary child than a real one. Stop comparing yourself to others would be my advice. My DS certainly wasn’t sleeping through, was firmly in my bed and was still breastfeeding frequently (like every hour overnight). I would have killed for him to take a dummy!

I’m confused, all you have listed is absolutely big standard normal parenting?

I bf to sleep my first for about 12m, finished bf completely at 17m (but night weaned at 9m) - she woke 2x a night from 5m to 9m then slept through ever since.

I didn’t do dummies but know plenty who do. There must be millions who do as dummies are on sale everywhere! Perfectly normal I’d say.

re baby led weaning, why not put finger food out with the purée- she’ll pick it up eventually. Loads of people do purée. 7m with BLW they wouldn’t be eating very much anyway!!!
I did pure BLW and was lucky dd took to it well, but at 7m she was mainly waving a broccoli florets around/dropping porridge fingers on the floor and generally making a mess. Food before 1 is just for fun and your bf sessions shouldn’t decrease or be replaced with food until 1 - so you’re bang on track.

hope you’re ok x

Regarding baby led weaning check out Solid Starts for some helpful guidance.

I imagine the majority of people posting on this forum weren’t baby lead weaned babies and I’m pretty sure we all developed our fine motor skills just fine. I reckon most of us had dummies too.
You're doing fine, don’t worry.

Babies have a way of making a mockery of plans 🤣 just go with the flow. If your baby is growing then you're doing just fine. Every baby is their own little person, and you're doing an amazing job as a mum by responding to their unique needs and personality.

You sound like you're doing great. Your following your baby's needs.

Comparison is the thief of joy. Google a kids show called Bluey and the episode baby race. It's essential viewing for all new mums.

All normal!! I stopped feeding in night once eating was established in hope he would sleep better. I also dropped dummy at one for same reason. With weaning do purée if it works and offer odddifferent texture such as a toast finger. Don't worry if she doesn't eat it at that age it's about exploration. Are you getting much support from dp or extended family? How's your mood? Do you feel ok in yourself?

Everything you have written sounds entirely appropriate for a 7m old. I remember the dummy guilt, I sobbed for hours giving my DS at 5 days old. He was just a baby that needed the constant suckling and after being on my breast for hours I needed a break. He was rid of it by 3 and spoke annoyingly early and clear and at 6 never stops talking. He was also in my bed until 3 and still sneaks in any chance he gets. He never slept as a baby...39 minute contact naps were his speciality. He began sleeping at 18m when I weaned him.
Terrible baby but amazing toddler, I can remember one tantrum and that's it. He's the loveliest little boy. DS2 was a textbook baby, did all the right naps and slept through from weeks old but he is a challenging toddler!

You are doing things perfectly. You're in tune with your baby and her needs. You couldn't ask for better parenting

Firstly, I was adamant that I wasn't going to give DD a dummy. I lasted 4 weeks and then caved in and gave her one. Now she's heavily attached to it and wakes up screaming if it falls out of her mouth.
You can work on getting rid of it if you want

2. DD is yet to sleep through the night and still wakes up every 2-3 hours and I feed to sleep (another thing I was adamant I wasn't going to do!)

This is totally normal! My DD was fed to sleep until 19 months and still doesn't sleep through now, sleeping through the night doesn't make you a better parent, all kids are different

3. She sleeps in my bed and is yet to go in her own cot, unlike many of the other babies at the baby groups we go to.

My nearly 2 year old still sleeps in my bed, she's happy and I like it, who cares what other people do! Doesn't mean you're a shit mum

4. Tried baby led weaning which was a complete fail and DD will only eat puréed foods. I'm worried this will hold her back from developing her fine motor skills as I'm spoon feeding her, rather than her picking up the food herself.

She's 7 months old!!! You've only been weaning for a month she's got plenty of time to work on BLW, BLW is relatively new and children managed fine starting on purées before. Not everyone does BLW. You can just increase the lumpiness of the purées.

5. I am still breastfeeding every 3 hours/on demand.

Again, she's 7 months old. Breastfeeding is her only source of nutrition at this age. Food is just for fun until she's 1 (and you can carry on breastfeeding then too!)

I breastfed DD until 19 months on demand. There's nothing wrong with it.

Everything you've said is totally normal and you sound like a brilliant mum!

It really doesn't matter what you said you'd never do and what you actually do, the only person judging you is yourself!
All babies are different.

Feeding every 2-3 hours sounds extremely hard though on yourself.

All sounds pretty normal. Exhausting but normal. BLW, is baby lead weaning and while you’re not giving exclusively finger foods you are been led by your baby and doing what she wants.

Do you have any Mum friends?

Every thing you have said is COMPLETELY normal and absolutely not a problem. Please don't worry, all will be fine

The first rule of baby groups is everyone lies.

We never used a dummy and dd fed herself from 6 months. We co-slept and dd transistioned to her own room at 8pm with no sleet raining required

I think your problem is that before you were a parent you looked at other parents and thought that YOU got to choose things like that.
While you can have some influence the truth is you baby tells you what it needs and it’s your job to respond.
Your baby is a actually a real person, with their own personality and preferences that you don’t get to pick

Parents have been doing all these things you were judging and thought you weren’t going to do with you baby because their job wasn’t to impress other parents with their mad skillz but to respond to their babies needs

stop worrying about what other babies are doing and allow your baby to grow at their own rate and on their own way… you don’t actually have a choice about that except wether you fight it or not!

Oh and my easy baby… was a hellfire toddler

At 7 months old both of mine were waking up a gazillion times a night and so were almost all of the babies of my friends. Feeding many times throughout the day.

I had an idea how I would do things - I had this notion that babies from newborn only fed every 3 hours, woke up every 3 hours and happily slept on their backs in cots just like they should. Neither of mine ever read the manual and my idea of what was a good mum changed pretty fast. The best thing I could do was give them what they needed rather than what I thought they needed (from my limited experience of babies in adverts and on TV!).