To think I'm doing parenting all wrong?

[user1005]

When I was pregnant, I had all these amazing ideas about what kind of mum I was going to be. Turns out I'm the complete opposite! Had a bit of a cry this evening, as I just feel like I'm failing as a mum and doing everything wrong! DD is currently 7 months and is generally a happy baby, but I still can't shake the feeling that everything is going wrong...

1. Firstly, I was adamant that I wasn't going to give DD a dummy. I lasted 4 weeks and then caved in and gave her one. Now she's heavily attached to it and wakes up screaming if it falls out of her mouth.
2. DD is yet to sleep through the night and still wakes up every 2-3 hours and I feed to sleep (another thing I was adamant I wasn't going to do!)
3. She sleeps in my bed and is yet to go in her own cot, unlike many of the other babies at the baby groups we go to.
4. Tried baby led weaning which was a complete fail and DD will only eat puréed foods. I'm worried this will hold her back from developing her fine motor skills as I'm spoon feeding her, rather than her picking up the food herself.
5. I am still breastfeeding every 3 hours/on demand.

Can anyone tell me if these things are normal for her age? All the babies at the groups we go to seem to be sleeping through the night, eating 3 meals a day and sleeping in their own room! It genuinely makes me feel like a bad mum that I haven't managed to get my DD to do any of these things. Please could anyone offer any reassurance for an emotional, sleep deprived first time mum 😢

Baby groups are some weird competitive hell. Don’t give it a second thought.

the sleeping thing, if you could poss tell my 8 year old they are supposed to sleep through the night I’d be most grateful.

all kids do their own thing in their own time. It’ll be fine. Run your own race.

None of this is what kind of parent you are and all of these things are perfectly fine and normal. As are the opposite things.

I had it in my head that dummies were bad, my dm used to be quite scathing of them so I just carried them view on. When my ds wouldn't sleep I bought lots of dummies to try, anything just to get 5 mins peace without him wanting to feed and the little monkey wouldn't take one. Anyway, my point is we can have all these ideas but about what is right and wrong but until we're in it we have no clue.

You sound like a fantastic mum - bedsharing, feeding to sleep, feeding on demand are all natural and good for your baby. Don't pay attention to what other mums at groups etc may or may not be doing, you are responding to your baby's individual needs, which will be different from the next baby's needs, which is fine and normal! X

Have a look at Solid Starts, it helped us immensely in relaxing about weaning! The point of weaning at 7 months isn’t to eat, it’s learning to eat. It doesn’t matter if not much is going in.

Fellow 7mo mama here. I was the same before he arrived, would have sworn I would never bed share etc but here I am with a baby that will only sleep 2-3h stints and sometimes only on me and bed sharing is keeping me (mostly) sane. I also thought I wouldn’t use a dummy and I still try and give him one although he’s not such a fan! He is also breast fed and will feed every 2-3 hours, I think he’s just a “snacky” feeder taking small amounts regularly. Sounds like yours may be the same! We are trying BLW but he doesn’t make much of the finger foods, much prefers spoonable things (yoghurt, sweet potato mash etc). Have you tried handing baby the spoon for them to feed themselves? This is working for us and I’m handing him the spoon a bit further from his face over time so that hopefully will help his motor skills.

It’s so hard not to compare and when things are so different to how you imagined but you are not alone!

Absolutely normal. Especially the breastfeeding. They're barely on solids at that age. Before you have a baby you imagine a 7 month old as much bigger and less connected to their mother than they are. It can be a bit of a shock.
Btw the feeling of "oh, I thought I'd be different to this" keeps going.
I now have a 5yo and a 2yo. They eat fat more fish fingers and oven chips and far less kale and quinoa than I'd like. The house is messier than I'd imagined. I work four days and yet still feel overwhelmed occasionally by how physically I'm needed most of the time.

I have a baby that is 7 months old too, and I honestly could have described my baby in exactly the same way (apart from the dummy bit, the little monkey flat out refuses it!)
What you have described is totally normal. And if you're a bad mum then I guess I am too! It sounds like you're doing a fantastic job. Someone once said to me, if you're worrying about how you're doing as a mum then you are a good one. The bad mothers don't care.
Please don't worry!
And if it makes you feel any better I have a 3 year old who was exactly the same as a baby, and i did exactly the same as you (purees/co sleeping etc). He now goes to his own bed every night quite happy, can independently eat with a fork and spoon and is a happy thriving little boy. They get there in their own time. So please don't beat yourself up or feel bad because it sounds like you're absolutely smashing motherhood. You've got this 😉

I chose to do most of these and wished I d done the dummy to try reduce tantrums .Some mums say that finding a group of mums who also Co sleep or breast feed longer than they expected can be supportive. Actually you sound like a natural good mum . Xx

No you’re a lovely Mum. Imagine a little 7 month old expected to sleep in their own room for 8 hours straight, how mean!

Also, some Mums don’t try breastfeeding, or they will switch to formula just because they can’t be arsed.

All of those things sound entirely normal to me op. Give yourself a break. You sound like a great Mum!

Sleeping with your baby & breastfeeding on demand is a wonderful thing. Your baby will feel really secure and loved.

You are tired. It's exhausting. It won't last forever. You're doing great op. Try to get some naps in if you have anyone who can help. Or nap when she does.

You sound like a brilliant mum, don't be so harsh on yourself.

Right there with you on the dummies - swore we would never use them but now? Practically got dummies coming out of my ears.

We also struggled with BLW at first so started on purees and gradually introduced finger foods. Now LO is 9 months and on 2 meals a day and a snack/light lunch. We still occasionally serve a puree alongside finger foods, especially iallh at smack time. I imagine it'll be quite a while before my LO is on 3 meals but they're meant yo get their calories from milk for the 1st 12 months anyway.

Also said quite definitively we would never co sleep. Then the 4 month sleep regression hit and... we co slept for ages. It was easier for BF and letting us all get some sleep.

The BF every 3 hours is totally normal and you're doing so well to be keeping up with that. I caved and ended up combination feeding with formula because I was struggling to cope (my LO was feeding every 2 hours and often for 40 minutes a time, no tongue tie or other issues). Now my LO is formula and food, no BF and she still wakes twice in a night which is also totally normal. @

I think we all conjur up our ideal vision of motherhood when we are pregnant but I'd be amazed if anyone could say with 100% honesty that they didn't deviate from that ideal once baby arrived. Don't worry that things aren't going as you originally hoped, you're doing so well 🩷

At snack time... no idea where iallh smack time came from 😳

You’re doing a great job! Don’t compare yourself to other mums/babies in your group, everyone is different. I have 3 kids and they all did things at different stages/differently. Trust your instincts and do what makes you and your baby happy.

You're not a terrible parent, you're doing your best. Dummies are fine, they're actually protective against SIDS, as long as you knock them on the head before a certain point. Feeding to sleep is okay and normal, though you have to ask yourself if you're okay doing that for the long haul as a child being unable to settle themselves to sleep can create huge problems if they never grow out of that. BLW or puree are both fine, neither has any benefits over the other so relax about that. The bf is fine too. But the bedsharing, I will be honest, I would recommend (as would the NHS, Lullaby Trust, and AAP) you cease immediately as it's endangering your baby's life. Even doing it as 'safely' as possible it's still far riskier than following safe sleep practices. I know I'll get flamed as many people do bedshare and feel understandably ashamed and defensive about it but babies lives matter and I'd rather speak up in case you're not aware of the risks you're putting her through than you end up with a tragic outcome that could have been so easily preventable. Your baby is worth it.

Thanks everyone. I feel so much better. ❤️

DS had a dummy and we took it off him at 2 with no trouble. Trick is to wean early on, so he only had it for sleep from 6 months. If he was fussy out and about we just had to deal with it.

He also wasn’t baby led - basically spoon fed with some stuff on his tray to play with at the same time. He’s 3 and perfectly capable of feeding himself and using a spoon, knife and fork. And he’ll eat anything.

I can’t help with the sleep / breast feeding as DS was bottle fed (heinous crime in some parts) and slept generally.

I was the same with certain things, like screen time etc. Oh my son will never watch TV. Yeah well, he does and he’s fine.

You are doing absolutely AMAZING because you are meeting your baby’s needs and don’t let anyone tell you any different.

A lot of what you've said about sleeping arrangements and feeding methods are just that. Methods. Approaches. There's no rules with kids.

I think they'll be fine not picking up some squashed broccoli for a few months. If you want to make yourself feel better you can tell yourself your DD is getting more nutrients from the pureed food. Whatever you do has advantages and disadvantages. It's all about what you choose to focus on.

By the way spaghetti is a really fun finger food.

Sounds like you are doing a great job. Nothing out of those things you listed are even remotely bad.

baby is safe, happy and loved - what more do you need.

please don’t be so hard on yourself

Sounds to me like your doing a great job! Baby sounds normal and happy to me. I'm currently lying in bed beside my 4th child who hasn't left our room and she's just turned 2. I was full of oh I won't do that agains in each pregnancy. Turns out I did every thing the same and I have a rowdy yet healthy happy bunch of kids. Be kind to yourself this is your journey so don't put yourself down your doing your very best. Plus baby doesn't know what plans you made prebirth. They just feel your comfort now so keep doing what your doing ❤️