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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I'm doing parenting all wrong?

146 replies

user1005 · 18/02/2023 23:18

When I was pregnant, I had all these amazing ideas about what kind of mum I was going to be. Turns out I'm the complete opposite! Had a bit of a cry this evening, as I just feel like I'm failing as a mum and doing everything wrong! DD is currently 7 months and is generally a happy baby, but I still can't shake the feeling that everything is going wrong...

  1. Firstly, I was adamant that I wasn't going to give DD a dummy. I lasted 4 weeks and then caved in and gave her one. Now she's heavily attached to it and wakes up screaming if it falls out of her mouth.
  2. DD is yet to sleep through the night and still wakes up every 2-3 hours and I feed to sleep (another thing I was adamant I wasn't going to do!)
  3. She sleeps in my bed and is yet to go in her own cot, unlike many of the other babies at the baby groups we go to.
  4. Tried baby led weaning which was a complete fail and DD will only eat puréed foods. I'm worried this will hold her back from developing her fine motor skills as I'm spoon feeding her, rather than her picking up the food herself.
  5. I am still breastfeeding every 3 hours/on demand.

Can anyone tell me if these things are normal for her age? All the babies at the groups we go to seem to be sleeping through the night, eating 3 meals a day and sleeping in their own room! It genuinely makes me feel like a bad mum that I haven't managed to get my DD to do any of these things. Please could anyone offer any reassurance for an emotional, sleep deprived first time mum 😢

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 19/02/2023 09:00

I figured I am me and being pregnant and giving birth is not going to turn me into a 'robot' who just does it by the 'book'

So as I had never had a child before I had no preconceived idea on what was what

I knew the basics so went with that and did what worked and changed what didn't

Just trust your judgement, there is no such thing as a perfect parent

AFS1 · 19/02/2023 09:01

You have a happy and contented 7 month old baby. That means you’re winning at parenting!
Everything you’ve described is completely normal. I did all of them except the dummy. My daughter sucked her thumb which was much worse because you can’t just get some magic fairy to take her thumbs away like you can with a dummy!

Finchgold · 19/02/2023 09:08

Parenting is literally survival by any means! I can’t believe the notions I had before having my own kid. They are their own wee people and will do life how they want! You can try and steer them but ultimately the kids eating 3 meals a day with cutlery at 9 months are just as likely to be eating chicken nuggets with their fingers by 5.

clarepetal · 19/02/2023 09:15

Comparison is the thief of joy. Give a shit about the other mums and their perfect babies. You sound fine to me, I would try to get her off the boob every three hours, but I only say that for your sanity! Could you try bottle to fill up the baby?
I think you are doing OK, huge hugs.

Heronwatcher · 19/02/2023 09:22

Very normal. You need to realise that the baby is essentially a person in her own right- babies like dummies and Co-sleeping (on the whole!). And there’s nothing really wrong with either when they are so little, though obviously it’s a good idea to drop the dummy before too long to help teeth. The breastfeeding is totally normal
and excellent for her health and just keep on with the baby led weaning, 7 months is very young and it’s well known that BLW babies take a little longer to get the hang of it. If she’s happy and not losing weight then there is nothing to worry about.

Changechangechanging · 19/02/2023 09:29

You know that there are millions of us out there that were weaned on pureed food and manage to make our hands do what we need them to, right?!

I have 3 - I distinctly remember my first and being terrified he would choke on something so the first time he had a sandwich was on his first birthday and even then I has hovering around in fear. 3rd one was shoving sandwiches in own his face at 6 months old because it was the only way we could get out and do things! Same baby once horrified a bunch of first time mums reaching across a table from my knee and helping himself to some doritos!

The only right way is what works for you so try and relax. You're doing great. And remember, when it comes to babies and milestones, people outright lie.

Upwardtrajectory · 19/02/2023 09:41

I think the reason people are generally more relaxed about following babies than they were about their first is that they’ve learnt you can all have all the intentions you like - the baby has their own ideas. Just go with it.

It also helps if you think of baby groups as being a bit like Instagram. Most people will be trying to project a good image.

Hankunamatata · 19/02/2023 09:45

I needed a dummy for my sanity or they would have been attached to my boob all night

Doowop1919 · 19/02/2023 09:49

Op, this is all completely normal. My first DS is 2.5. he still often sleeps in our bed, maybe half the week. Baby led weaning was attempted here but I was too nervous so we switched to traditional. DS eats bloody everything and has great fine motor skills. He weaned off breastfeeding and slept through the night when he was ready, I did nothing to facilitate either. He slept through at 17 months, thereby also stopping feeding through the night, and stopped all day feeds at 20 months. He then only bf to sleep twice a day until 23 months when he stopped too due to my pregnancy.

Sounds to me like you're doing a great job. Things going differently to what you initially planned doesn't mean you're a bad mum, it's normal!

Original poster
user1005 · 19/02/2023 10:02

Thank you everyone for your responses, you have all made me feel a lot better! I was in a bit of a panic as last week, my HV told me that DD should only be on 4 milk feeds a day and should be eating food the rest of the day. I'm also very baby led in the sense that I let her nap whenever she wants and am yet to establish a solid routine, apparently this is all wrong too! But sounds like I'm doing ok.

OP posts:
DaveyJonesLocker · 19/02/2023 10:06

You are doing brilliant! She is perfectly normal. Don't worry about what you or baby should be doing. Or what other people are doing. Do what works for you. Cosleeping and feeding to sleep are what we are naturally designed to do. Just do what works for you. Your baby won't be eating purees at 18yo, nor feeding to sleep. It'll all come with time.

thelinkisdead · 19/02/2023 10:15

One of mine was BLW and one was mixed fed: both are fabulous eaters now and I can’t say my purée baby is anymore fussy - in fact his favourite food is salad & veg!

My older one was sleeping through by five months but my younger one was co sleeping and woke up every 45 minutes until he was nearly one. Now I have to drag them both out of bed some mornings!!

One had a dummy, one sucked his thumb; both have lovely teeth now!

It’ll pass; it always does. Things that seem so important and worrying now will be just a memory you tell them about over dinner. Keep going! It’s tough but it gets easier!

user1471457757 · 19/02/2023 10:15

Your HV sounds like she hasn't got a clue about babies! It's completely normal for 7 month old babies to wake up to feed in the night. Sounds like you're doing a great job and listening to your instincts which is just what baby needs.

Rabbitheadlights · 19/02/2023 10:17

Not RTFT but just wanted to say I can almost guarantee that the mums at the baby club are exaggerating how "well" they are doing, these places are a breeding ground for competitive parenting and I hate them, you are doing fantastic there is no right and wrong just do what gets you through xx

MrNook · 19/02/2023 10:23

user1005 · 19/02/2023 10:02

Thank you everyone for your responses, you have all made me feel a lot better! I was in a bit of a panic as last week, my HV told me that DD should only be on 4 milk feeds a day and should be eating food the rest of the day. I'm also very baby led in the sense that I let her nap whenever she wants and am yet to establish a solid routine, apparently this is all wrong too! But sounds like I'm doing ok.

You're doing great and your HV is talking out her arse! At 7 months they're still just tasting things

MadameSzyszkoBohusz · 19/02/2023 10:28

Did pretty much all of that with my two, and they are happy, healthy, fun and fabulous people at 11 and 8 now.

Give yourself a break. Flowers

AllTheExtraClouds · 19/02/2023 10:31

I did everything wrong based on what I read on MN. But i did do a lot of what you're doing @user1005 It's nice being the parent of now 30ish year olds because you get to see how they turned out. And they've turned out to be lovely and competent adult humans who can all hold a knife and fork, and sleep without being rocked. It'll be fine and you're doing a great job!

HappydaysArehere · 19/02/2023 10:42

You are doing well. Just relax. Use your common sense and your natural instincts. Whatever you do ignore other mums who tell you what their child did or is doing. Seven months is just a baby and you know best. Believe me he will grow up normal, healthy and loved.

Sarahjaykay · 19/02/2023 11:10

My twins are about to turn 16 and my daughter 25. I still feel like this most days. I think it's just a Mum thing.

Houseofpainjumparound · 19/02/2023 11:19

I can guarantee rhe parents at the groups are giving you the glowing highlights....

All babies are different just like all people are different, they have their own wants, needs, likes and dislikes....

Dummies... both mine sent theirs away to father Christmas at 3.... both can talk and dentist has no issue with their teeth. If they lose it In the night put a few in the bed and they will learn to find it themselves

Mine never slept through even after stopping breastfeeding after 12 months +.... finally happened at around 2.5-3 years..... when they have no illnesses of course..... both mine wil occasionally sleep with me and we did come sleeping when they were smaller.... children need the comfort of their care giver and that is fine.

Food.... give baby a spoon at the same time... let them watch you and try themselves... fine motor skills can be developed in many ways... give them things to pick up off the floor...

If you are feeding, watering, and keeping baby warm and loved you are doing an amazing job.

Marscleo · 19/02/2023 11:26

I still co sleep and breast feed my 20 mo DD at night😬

Kerri44 · 19/02/2023 11:31

Completely normal! I had alsorts of ideas of what I was and wasn't going to do before my 1st was born and reality was I did what we needed to survive!!! Dummies, Jar food, co sleeping....he didn't sleep through until we had our 2nd 10mths ago....he was nearly 5!! .....my 2nd born came and I had no expectations at all, she's 10mths tomorrow, she is a sleeper (but had more then mybshare of sleepless nights with 1st), shes a thumb sucker, she only took to solid food few weeks ago and has mux of puree still and she's doing fine....you're baby is fed and happy, you do what you need to with a none sleeper at night and they do sleep eventually

gemloving · 19/02/2023 11:33

You sound like a great mother to me.

All of mine had dummies, I did BLW with my first, my second wasn't interested in picking up foods so had more puréed food. First was breastfed for 15 months, second for 3. First is only 1 so still has his dummy. Third on the way and we're all still winging it.

Go with the flow, there is no manual and nobody knows what it's like to have kids before they have them and from what I can read, you're a wonderful, caring mother.

Kerri44 · 19/02/2023 11:34

user1005 · 19/02/2023 10:02

Thank you everyone for your responses, you have all made me feel a lot better! I was in a bit of a panic as last week, my HV told me that DD should only be on 4 milk feeds a day and should be eating food the rest of the day. I'm also very baby led in the sense that I let her nap whenever she wants and am yet to establish a solid routine, apparently this is all wrong too! But sounds like I'm doing ok.

This gets me cross when they say you should be in a nap routine, neither of mine have or will nap unless they want to! Some babies don't.....keep doing what you're doing, not everyone gets a routine

BellePeppa · 19/02/2023 11:39

Coffeellama · 18/02/2023 23:25

100% normal, nothing to even stress about there! I’ve never understood the dummy snobbery personally, there’s nothing wrong with them.

I didn’t give my children dummies because I didn’t want the inevitable attachment issues they get with them. I was tempted sometimes but didn’t, just as well as my eldest would have been a nightmare getting weaned off it.

OP I’m sure you’re doing fine, don’t be hard on yourself. I used to feel I wasn’t a particularly good mum because I secretly hated a lot of stuff, even giving them a bath wasn’t the joyous experience other mums seemed to find it. Everything seemed like a chore rather than fun. As it turned out I must have been pretty good as my now adult children have never hated me and enjoy my company🙂