To think I'm doing parenting all wrong?

[user1005]

When I was pregnant, I had all these amazing ideas about what kind of mum I was going to be. Turns out I'm the complete opposite! Had a bit of a cry this evening, as I just feel like I'm failing as a mum and doing everything wrong! DD is currently 7 months and is generally a happy baby, but I still can't shake the feeling that everything is going wrong...

1. Firstly, I was adamant that I wasn't going to give DD a dummy. I lasted 4 weeks and then caved in and gave her one. Now she's heavily attached to it and wakes up screaming if it falls out of her mouth.
2. DD is yet to sleep through the night and still wakes up every 2-3 hours and I feed to sleep (another thing I was adamant I wasn't going to do!)
3. She sleeps in my bed and is yet to go in her own cot, unlike many of the other babies at the baby groups we go to.
4. Tried baby led weaning which was a complete fail and DD will only eat puréed foods. I'm worried this will hold her back from developing her fine motor skills as I'm spoon feeding her, rather than her picking up the food herself.
5. I am still breastfeeding every 3 hours/on demand.

Can anyone tell me if these things are normal for her age? All the babies at the groups we go to seem to be sleeping through the night, eating 3 meals a day and sleeping in their own room! It genuinely makes me feel like a bad mum that I haven't managed to get my DD to do any of these things. Please could anyone offer any reassurance for an emotional, sleep deprived first time mum 😢

You are doing just fine your baby is happy Stop comparing yourself and your baby to others !

Apart from dummmy and cosleeping everything else is similar to me

my 11 month old has slept through the night 3 times. Usually he wakes 1-4 times depending on if he’s poorly fussy etc etc. mainly feed to sleep/settle him again. Still breastfeeding too.

he has finger food for lunch but most of it goes on floor so I do still mainly spoon feed breakfast and evening meal so I know he’s eaten.

You are being wayyyy too hard on yourself.

Health visitors are quite often full of shite and can be happily ignored.

The fact you are even asking these questions proves that you are a fantastic, lovely, caring mother. I am a first time mum of a 19 month old and up until my my DS first birthday I was in the same boat, constantly comparing, googling and anxious about every milestone. I promise it will get less stressful.

Remember all babies progress differently, and learn in different ways.
My DS still co-sleeps, still wakes in the night a few times a week, and only sometimes shows interest in using utensils to eat.
I found life a lot easier and more enjoyable with him when I stopped tracking every milestone, stopped watching braggy 'amazing mum' videos on Instagram and comparing him to others,. He achieved things in his own time and at his own pace, often when I had no input at all, so all these activities and plans I beat myself up about doing / not doing made very little difference.

It's always good to have an understanding of milestones and routines etc., but don't let it take over, enjoy your baby.
Remember you are the perfect mother for your baby and you are everything they need right now x

I, too, was adamant about the dummy thing. DD is 21 and still sucks her thumb 🙄Also followed the Annabel Karmel's (sp?) recipe book - which DD loved, ate everything......until...... she got measles at 10 months then refused it all point blank. I had to buy jars. She was the worst of my three for food, it was painful (think picking every single bit of onion of a pizza in her teens. She's just turned vegan 😮Good luck and relax a bit, it'll all come good, you are doing a great job.

I also think this sounds totally normal, it sounds like you're doing a great job. I did pretty much all the same with my DS, except for the dummy but only because he refused it! I was desperate for him to have one 😂

I have seen on here something recommended for kids who use a dummy at night, it's a teddy with some velcro or something where you can attach 4 dummies i think, so the idea is that eventually the child wakes up and grabs the new dummy themself rather than screaming for you. Not sure what age that can be used from but i always thought that sounded genius.

Good luck OP, there's always so much advice and other people to compare yourself to but as long as your baby is safe, fed and loved that's all that matters.

I’ve said many times (sorry if broken record!) but despite you doing all things you feel you shouldn’t I can assure your child will grow up normal, healthy and loved and be a fully functional adult and will not blame their life ills on the fact you gave them a dummy! It is so overwhelming whilst in the think of small babies and toddlers but eventually they grow up and you wonder why you stressed so much. So much is dependant on your child’s disposition so what one parent does has no baring on your adequacy.

1. my first born had severe reflux. We had to give a dummy (with sugar solution no less!) so easy the pain. Took forever to wean her off it and yep she had a (cute) lisp as a result. Now she is a teenager she’s absolutely fine with lovely (non rotten) teeth! My second baby wouldn’t take a bottle, let alone a dummy!

2. my children would not sleep. First didn’t sleep though due to reflux until 2 and then was great. My second woke every 2 hours for a feed. Didn’t sleep through until about 7 or 8! That baby is still a thirsty teenager. Both sleep brilliantly now and I never have to ever wake them up for school. They get up at 6am on the dot every single day even as teenagers. I am the lazy one in the family as I don’t get up until 7!

3. I Co slept - refer to above feeding every 2 hours. Sometimes you have to. We ended up putting cot at end of bed and I slept with my head at the bottom on the bed for over a year with my hand on them. They grew out of it and now sleep perfectly well in their own bed.

4. never bothered with baby led weaning. Never did them any harm. My son wouldn’t eat anything by petit filous for about a year. He taught himself to cook at about age ten and now as a teenager cooks full meals for the family about 2-3 a week by choice. (His sibling balances this out by doing next to zero!)

5. second baby would not take a bottle. We tried everything. And I mean everything. Spend a fortune on every bottle on the market. Tried starving him a tiny bit but no he’s a stubborn kid and wore me down until eventually at 15 months we broke him and I stopped! I can assure you he fed way way more than every 3 hours!

of course my sibling got the easy going perfect baby who slept through from birth settles themselves, eats sophisticated foods and never has tantrums (and has to the cutest, sweetest personality!). I got the the crazy, sporty, active kids who are incredibly stubborn! But they are all perfect in their own ways. Just run with it. You are doing amazing! And I promise when they are in their teens moaning at you, you’ll look back and think how much you miss that time and wish you had worried less and enjoyed it more.

Comparison is the thief of joy. Every baby is different so don’t compare. My oldest boy wudnt take a dummy after 6 months my youngest is still attached to his at almost 3. My middle son was the same he gave his up the Christmas after his 3rd birthday. He’s my smartest child. My oldest slept with me til almost 11 and she is not spoiled. My baby still sleeps in my bed and I’m in no hurry to move him. My 2nd oldest boy was baby led weaning and he is a slow eater. My baby also baby led and he eats everything so no 2 are the same. The fact that you are worrying already makes you a fabulous mum

She is only 7 months old! Cut yourself a massive amount of slack. Seems like you're doing a great job.

Sounds like you're doing great to me. Babies develop at their own pace try not to compare to others in her age group. I breastfed my eldest to a year old and she was up every 2 to 3 hours through the night until she was almost a year old. Slept in my bed most nights from around 1 to 2years too had her own room but just wouldnt go in there i think it was more for comfort for her than anything else. Everyone does parenting differently and what works for you maybe doesn't for someone else. Don't be so hard on yourself beaut honestly you're doing fine x

Normal normal normal.

There’s always stuff we say we won’t do. Mine was never going to eat going around the supermarket.

Nothing you’ve described sounds “wrong”. Maybe you set the bar a bit high. I know I did, and I still do to this day (DD is 6). I’m still learning.

Please be kind to yourself! ❤️

So so completely normal! Waking often and feeding to sleep are so biologically normal for this age and older, don’t be hard on yourself. I think we often have expectations about what type of mum we’ll be, but the reality is you don’t know until they’re here! You’re doing great, don’t compare yourself to your baby group. (And most people who say they’re little ones are sleeping through probably aren’t 😆

Your and your baby sound totally normal. What’s so amazing about BLW, their own cot, no dummy?! Why were those your aims?
Ive had 4 babies and honestly, take it from me: just go with the flow when they are babies. Plan what type of parent you are going to be when they are primary ages, teenagers etc by all means. It really doesn’t matter what you do when they are babies providing you love them, feed them, wash them and communicate with them.
(And FWIW, my dc are the least fussy kids you can imagine, they eat every vegetable under the sun, and I’ve yet to find something they refuse to eat. They all had purées shovelled in from 6 months!)

The best thing I learnt when I had my baby was to follow my instincts and do what I thought best for my baby. Not what other people do, not what an instagrammer does, not what the mum next to me at baby class does.

The only rule I had was if it concerned health or safety I would follow the latest NHS guidance, otherwise I parented my way. If I wanted a second opinion or to chat, I spoke to my mum generally!

You'll be doing a great job, don't worry what other people do!

Whatever you do as a parent you end up feeling like you're getting wrong 🤷‍♀️ I think it's normal.

I felt guilty for not cosleeping and not breastfeeding on demand, I just needed my own space and felt too anxious to have dd in bed with me.

You do your best as a parent, it's all you can do and you hope your best is good enough.

Tried baby led weaning which was a complete fail and DD will only eat puréed foods. I'm worried this will hold her back from developing her fine motor skills as I'm spoon feeding her, rather than her picking up the food herself.

Relax. Enjoy your baby.

All my babies had dummies. They don't use dummies any more. They sleep all night in their own beds. One day, your baby will be just like that.

BLW hadn't been invented in ye olde days. All my babies were spoon fed puree and mashed food until they could hold and manipulate their own spoon well enough to get the puree from bowl to mouth. That's how they developed eye to hand and fine motor skills. One is a surgeon and one is a specialist emergency consultant doctor who puts very teensy things in exactly the right spot to keep the patients alive.

I think we all feel like that sometimes. My kids are a few years older and I worry all the time. I have an awful habit of comparing my children to others (not in front of them of course) and I worry mine aren't doing X, Y and Z.

In fact, I've just been to the park and saw an acquaintance there and an now worried.

BUT when I'm thinking straight I realise my kids are very happy and loving kids, and that's all that matters to me. Fuck society standards for everything. Is your child safe? Happy? Are you showing them love and attention? Then they're very lucky to have you.

A lot of people proudly do the things you do on purpose and feel accomplished. You are parenting how your baby needs to be parented rather than what you wanted. That is the epitome of selflessness.

Don’t listen to the health visitor! That’s utter nonsense. After I’d had a couple of kids I quickly learned that if it sounded like bollocks it probably was- I used to nod and smile and then just carry on as I was!

Oh and we literally never had a sleeping routine until the kids went to nursery, they slept when they were tired in pram/ car seat/ playpen/ floor mat. Never really in the cot in the day. I reckon It saved our sanity, it was so odd how classes and soft plays cleared out at around 12ish and my friends later confessed to hours wasted standing by cots patting the child/ wafting Muslins in the middle of the day. If you’re happy and baby’s happy just carry on as you are!

You're doing great!
I was adamant I wasn't giving DS a dummy too... that lasted 2 nights at 7 months don't worry. He gave his up himself at around 18 months, it was never in his mouth, just his hand, I hid them and that was that. I didn't breast feed, so can't help with that but do know there'll be many on here with some good suggestions if you need any. Baby led weaning, no I didn't. I had post natal anxiety and I thought it would lead to choking (I know it's not true but - anxiety) I'd give DS his own spoon to hold as I fed him and he started to get involved that way.
Even if you were bloody Mary Poppins people will comment, judge or give unwanted advice on the 'right' way to parent. Build up an attitude of giving no shits, smile and nod. Then keep doing your thing.
As long as baby is healthy, happy and warm you're a brilliant mum.

My kids would also only eat purée, DS1 in particular had a gag reflex and vomited on any lump he put in his mouth so can’t help you on that. I tried to give them dummies only DD liked it and every then after about 3 months preferred her thumb.

re: sleeping. I went back to work each time at 6 months and I knew I wouldn’t function unless DC was sleeping all night. Same each time. It was a difficult few nights, woke them at 11pm for late feed, no milk if they woke before morning. And yes crying. Totally get it’s not everyone’s thing.

My health visitor said to me 'everyone fed, no one dead'. However you go about that, you are doing great. Remember parenting is a marathon (a bloddy long one) and not a sprint. When they go to school you will have no clue who was bottle fed, co slept, had a dummy etc.

These first few months are about survival. You just roll with it and do what works for you!

She's 7 months!

You're doing great! You're a new mum and there's no manual and you'll figure it out as you go.
Your child is safe, loved, and thriving. That's all that matters.
Just some encouragement from this mum and grandma.