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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not wanting SD to stay in house while we are away

145 replies

guiling · 18/02/2023 20:42

DH and I have 2 under 5s, he has a DD from when he was a teenager, she is now 33.

She lives just over an hour away in a well known beautiful city where she has a great job she loves. However she is quite negative about the city and very anxious about not being in a relationship and maybe not having children. As a result she very often stays with us at weekends, and we have always told her she is welcome to come as much as she wants to. We have a good relationship.

I genuinely want her to be happy and to feel she has a home to come to when needed (her mother lives 3 hours away so we are easier to come to). I overlook niggles when she is here for this reason - such as:

  • she rarely cleans up / tidies up after herself
  • she often leaves lots of lights on eg bathroom or her bedroom after she has left the house,
  • on two occasions there have been several big obvious bloodstains on the sheets which she hasn't attempted to clean.
  • she always "forgets" to take her shoes off to go upstairs which is a house rule
  • she very often forgets or leaves her keys behind so we have made numerous copies for her / lent her ours (which she has sometimes lost!)

We live in London and while partly she wants to see us, a large factor is also going out to parties etc. She will often come back at 4-5am and then sleep all day. So barely sees us often.

The dilemma - soon we will be away for 4 weeks in the UK. Partly a holiday but partly helping an aunt with something (and we will be working from there at times).

I know that we will be asked if she can house sit and I'm just not comfortable with it mainly for the reasons above. I'm happy to welcome her to her father's home to visit, but not for it to be used as a party base while we are away.

AIBU if I say no?

OP posts:
Geepee71 · 18/02/2023 20:45

Won't it invalidate your home insurance if she stays?

MadamArcati99 · 18/02/2023 20:45

a party base? she is 33!

user1494050295 · 18/02/2023 20:47

I wouldn’t. You are not unreasonable for all the reasons you said. If she does ask could you say due to the length of time it invalidates our house insurance or something. What does your partner think?

VladmirsPoutine · 18/02/2023 20:47

I would feel similar to you but that's only because I dislike others being in my space in my absence but what does your husband say about it? On the 5 points you raise the only one which seems particurly egregious is the 5th one. Are you worried she'll trash the place>

billy1966 · 18/02/2023 20:48

Absolutely not.

You will have zero peace.

She sounds like a teenager.

33?🙄 doesn't clean up after herself?

I wouldn't entertain it for a minute.

Cococomellonn · 18/02/2023 20:49

I don't think I'd be comfortable with that either OP. At 33 is disrespectful to walk upstairs with shoes if you've asked her not to (as an example) but would it be useful to have someone look in on the house?

TomatoSandwiches · 18/02/2023 20:51

YANBU but what does your husband say?

Nimbostratus100 · 18/02/2023 20:53

Whose house is it?

Original poster
guiling · 18/02/2023 20:55

DH is very relaxed and would say yes I suspect.

I can't quite put my finger on why I'm uncomfortable with it - partly the knowledge the place would be messy and unclean when we came back, partly the annoyance about not being reasonable with electricity because things are a bit tight at the moment, partly the concern that other people might be invited back, partly the worry that she might lose her keys and the place wouldn't be double locked etc... Yes I imagine it probably wouldn't be allowed under insurance.

By party base, I mean she would just be using it as a base to party in London. She seems convinced that her life would be much better if she lived in London, and she could easily find a job here, but her quality of life would be less good (more commuting, less nice accommodation etc) so I suspect that is holding her back from moving here.

OP posts:
Original poster
guiling · 18/02/2023 20:57

The house belongs to both DH and me (in fact I put in slightly more deposit and pay slightly more towards the mortgage as I earn more).

Not sure this is relevant though?

OP posts:
Original poster
guiling · 18/02/2023 21:01

She does behave a bit like a teenager when here, yes. No idea what she is like in her own place but it is quite messy from what I've seen.

The thing is she is quite negative at times and increasingly scared about never settling down etc so think we both want her to feel welcome here. In the longer term hopefully she will find someone! But in the meantime I shoudl probably remind her again of what sort of things we would expect from when she is here. It just feels like nagging though as I've mentioned in a friendly way a few times now

OP posts:
Original poster
guiling · 18/02/2023 21:03

Thanks for the responses.

OP posts:
Eastereggsboxedupready · 18/02/2023 21:04

Given she has shown she has no respect for you home surely no is the acceptable answer here?

bagelbagelbagel · 18/02/2023 21:07

She's a millennial, the ones in our family are still treated like teenagers despite being in their early thirties. I'm sure not all millennials are like this, but the ones I have dealings with, in our family and through work etc, are a bit like your SC.

I hate myself from saying that but it's kind of true. Bit of a generational thing.

Original poster
guiling · 18/02/2023 21:08

@Eastereggsboxedupready yes but it's hard to say it! And she is actually a nice person, just inconsiderate and a bit immature.

Some people have said IABU so it's probably not that clear cut..

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 18/02/2023 21:08

Well at her age I don't see why you can't be frank about the above, she's in her 30s! But if you've done that before and she's ignored you then YANBU.

piedbeauty · 18/02/2023 21:12

She's 33! And she doesn't clear up after herself or remember to take her shoes off?? Both my teens are better at adulting than she is. They have never lost their keys, etc.

Say no. You won't relax if you know she's there. Use the insurance as an excuse if you like.

She needs to cop on to herself and grow up!

Fernanfrank · 18/02/2023 21:13

bagelbagelbagel · 18/02/2023 21:07

She's a millennial, the ones in our family are still treated like teenagers despite being in their early thirties. I'm sure not all millennials are like this, but the ones I have dealings with, in our family and through work etc, are a bit like your SC.

I hate myself from saying that but it's kind of true. Bit of a generational thing.

It's not a generational or Millennial thing at all. It's the OP's SD being a dick thing.

Considering millennials range from 42 to 27, the majority are fully grown adults that can respect other adults spaces and rules.

Lkydfju · 18/02/2023 21:15

I would say that you have made alternative arrangements; if you aren’t comfortable then you don’t need to let her do it

Isahlo · 18/02/2023 21:20

Geepee71 · 18/02/2023 20:45

Won't it invalidate your home insurance if she stays?

How would having an adult child sleep in your house invalidate home insurance- just spent a minute going through and can’t see why,

Soakitup37 · 18/02/2023 21:22

bagelbagelbagel · 18/02/2023 21:07

She's a millennial, the ones in our family are still treated like teenagers despite being in their early thirties. I'm sure not all millennials are like this, but the ones I have dealings with, in our family and through work etc, are a bit like your SC.

I hate myself from saying that but it's kind of true. Bit of a generational thing.

What a truly shitty thing to say.

Starlitestarbright · 18/02/2023 21:22

She needs to grow up she's an adult, you both need to stop wiping her arse letting her stay and have free reign. It's not normal adult behaviour.

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 18/02/2023 21:25

The blood stains in the sheets would have me heaving! And at 33 as well!

BungleandGeorge · 18/02/2023 21:25

My home will always be my childrens’ home and they will be welcomed, I wouldn’t have a new partner changing that but not everyone feels like that. I’d be pointing out the shoes every time she does it, I guess you could always make her staying conditional on paying for a clean before you come back.
as far as insurance goes I can’t see why having your own child in the house would be any issue, it may be an issue leaving the house empty for 28 days though

Daisybee6 · 18/02/2023 21:25

bagelbagelbagel · 18/02/2023 21:07

She's a millennial, the ones in our family are still treated like teenagers despite being in their early thirties. I'm sure not all millennials are like this, but the ones I have dealings with, in our family and through work etc, are a bit like your SC.

I hate myself from saying that but it's kind of true. Bit of a generational thing.

What a load of bs