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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not wanting SD to stay in house while we are away

145 replies

guiling · 18/02/2023 20:42

DH and I have 2 under 5s, he has a DD from when he was a teenager, she is now 33.

She lives just over an hour away in a well known beautiful city where she has a great job she loves. However she is quite negative about the city and very anxious about not being in a relationship and maybe not having children. As a result she very often stays with us at weekends, and we have always told her she is welcome to come as much as she wants to. We have a good relationship.

I genuinely want her to be happy and to feel she has a home to come to when needed (her mother lives 3 hours away so we are easier to come to). I overlook niggles when she is here for this reason - such as:

  • she rarely cleans up / tidies up after herself
  • she often leaves lots of lights on eg bathroom or her bedroom after she has left the house,
  • on two occasions there have been several big obvious bloodstains on the sheets which she hasn't attempted to clean.
  • she always "forgets" to take her shoes off to go upstairs which is a house rule
  • she very often forgets or leaves her keys behind so we have made numerous copies for her / lent her ours (which she has sometimes lost!)

We live in London and while partly she wants to see us, a large factor is also going out to parties etc. She will often come back at 4-5am and then sleep all day. So barely sees us often.

The dilemma - soon we will be away for 4 weeks in the UK. Partly a holiday but partly helping an aunt with something (and we will be working from there at times).

I know that we will be asked if she can house sit and I'm just not comfortable with it mainly for the reasons above. I'm happy to welcome her to her father's home to visit, but not for it to be used as a party base while we are away.

AIBU if I say no?

OP posts:
aonbharr · 19/02/2023 01:20

33 is a bit old for that.

Ashorthistoryfan · 19/02/2023 01:29

OP, If it were one of your own children some years from now, say early thirties too. Would you allow them to stay in the house in similar circumstances?

Ericaequites · 19/02/2023 03:01

@IDontWantToBeAPie Why would you have sheets that can’t be washed at home? Dry cleaners are expensive and not environmentally friendly. Do you ever cosleep?

Jimboscott0115 · 19/02/2023 06:44

bagelbagelbagel · 18/02/2023 21:07

She's a millennial, the ones in our family are still treated like teenagers despite being in their early thirties. I'm sure not all millennials are like this, but the ones I have dealings with, in our family and through work etc, are a bit like your SC.

I hate myself from saying that but it's kind of true. Bit of a generational thing.

See, these comments make me laugh... Because in your example - it's those in the older generations to blame for treating them and bringing them up that way.

Something that's very much lost in these generation debates is that older generations are responsible for younger on a turning out like they do.

Back to the OP - the step daughter sounds like she's in some sort.of arrested development from her late teens and unfortunately the whole no partner and not settled down thing probably isn't a huge surprise.

AgentJohnson · 19/02/2023 06:51

Shes 33 FFS! Why have you tolerated her terrible behaviour to date? Change the damn locks and don’t ever give her the new key. You haven’t been supporting her, you’ve been enabling her and her sense of entitlement is the result.

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 19/02/2023 07:07

She's older than me and using your house as a party base and being lazy? Ffs. Put your foot down how embarrassing for her.
She needs to start acting her age.

RedHelenB · 19/02/2023 07:23

If it was your child I think you'd view it differently. As indeed your dh does. Just have your dh talk to her about expectations , if the house is a mess then dh should be the one to sort it out. Yabu.

ItchyBillco · 19/02/2023 07:24

This isn’t intended as judgmental, but she must be a similar age to you, no? I’m guessing your husband is 50-odd. And she’s behaving like a teenager. There’s a very odd dynamic to her behaviour.

I’d say no anyway, and the fact that you contributed more to the house would just embolden me to say so. And I’d explain to my H exactly why.

KrasiTime · 19/02/2023 07:24

Ashorthistoryfan · 19/02/2023 01:29

OP, If it were one of your own children some years from now, say early thirties too. Would you allow them to stay in the house in similar circumstances?

This.

Partying at 33. Tut tut. I partied hard till I was 34 when I had my eldest. I’m now almost 60 & still look at those days with rose tinted spectacles. Losing her keys - well these things happen. How many times has she lost them?

Blood stained sheets probably didn’t notice or was embarrassed.

It’s your dhs home as well as yours. And she is his dd so should be welcome imo.

Id have thought your home insurance would prefer someone staying then not tbh.

ItchyBillco · 19/02/2023 07:26

RedHelenB · 19/02/2023 07:23

If it was your child I think you'd view it differently. As indeed your dh does. Just have your dh talk to her about expectations , if the house is a mess then dh should be the one to sort it out. Yabu.

Firstly she isn’t the OP’s child, so it’s moot. Secondly, she’s 33. Not in her twenties, not a teenager, 33. A grown up. And she’s behaving with disrespect to their home. She doesn’t need to stay there, she just wants to because ‘partying’. So I don’t think the OP is unreasonable. At all.

MyPurpleHeart · 19/02/2023 07:32

bagelbagelbagel · 18/02/2023 21:07

She's a millennial, the ones in our family are still treated like teenagers despite being in their early thirties. I'm sure not all millennials are like this, but the ones I have dealings with, in our family and through work etc, are a bit like your SC.

I hate myself from saying that but it's kind of true. Bit of a generational thing.

As a 34 year old millennial married with a baby on the way, I own my own house and have worked since 16 and have a successful career. I think I speak for a lot of us when I say get fucked

rookiemere · 19/02/2023 07:40

If DH wants her there, I would agree on the condition that if she has left the place in a state, then he tidies it up as soon as you get in the house.
I believe your house insurance is invalid if you leave your house unoccupied for more than 30 days, so do check that and ensure you are appropriately covered whatever you decide.

Original poster
guiling · 19/02/2023 07:49

Thanks all, will try respond a bit today later. But seems to be some confusion about the partying - I've never said the partying was an issue. She can do what she wants! It's the stuff that impacts us / creates us work (and yes the period stains is the not trying to clean up bit, not that it happened!)

OP posts:
MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 19/02/2023 07:52

guiling · 19/02/2023 07:49

Thanks all, will try respond a bit today later. But seems to be some confusion about the partying - I've never said the partying was an issue. She can do what she wants! It's the stuff that impacts us / creates us work (and yes the period stains is the not trying to clean up bit, not that it happened!)

Have you asked her to tidy up after herself? What does she say?
Not to even bother putting her dirty period sheets in the wash is really grim though. 💀

DNBU · 19/02/2023 08:01

MadamArcati99 · 18/02/2023 20:45

a party base? she is 33!

33yo still go to parties 😆

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/02/2023 08:04

If this was OP’s sister, her SIL or a friend no one would be defending it. No one.

And to the inevitable irrelevant “what if she was your DD” comments, OP can presumably see what can go wrong with low expectations of children who become grubby, immature, self centred adults and will do what she can to bring her own children up to be a bit more considerate of their parents.

Ashorthistoryfan · 19/02/2023 09:14

If this was OP’s sister, her SIL or a friend no one would be defending it. No one.

Because people treat their kids differently tò their friends, in-laws and even their sisters.
Surely this is a surprise to no one?

LlynTegid · 19/02/2023 09:31

I'm with you OP, saddened that you have to do this as the unacceptable lack of care and basics should never be the case. I pity any man who she has a relationship with, no woman would accept a DP/DH who showed such little care.

Eastereggsboxedupready · 19/02/2023 09:36

Maybe the op's dc being disrespectful isn't a scenario likely to happen given her dc will be raised not to be feral in their own home. Another df who can't parent his first dc effectively..

aSofaNearYou · 19/02/2023 09:40

Because people treat their kids differently tò their friends, in-laws and even their sisters.
Surely this is a surprise to no one?

I don't think everyone does well into their 30s, and that's where the difference of opinion comes from here. In their 20s, often yes, but by a certain point many parent/child relationships devolve away from that dynamic and become more adult to adult. They are family but not so much one looking after the other, and they have adult expectations of each other, including acting like a guest, not an incapable, scruffy child.

Motnight · 19/02/2023 09:47

I wouldn't want someone like that in my house. She sounds like a spoilt 17 year old

blippyissilly · 19/02/2023 09:57

I wouldn't want her tossing it off in my house

She sounds like a tramp

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 19/02/2023 10:03

MyPurpleHeart · 19/02/2023 07:32

As a 34 year old millennial married with a baby on the way, I own my own house and have worked since 16 and have a successful career. I think I speak for a lot of us when I say get fucked

Show quote history

This. I moved out at 18, I owned my own home before 30, with 2 kids in tow (with DP) and have progressed my career. @bbagelbagelbagel you are talking absolute bullshit and you should think before you type

Ashorthistoryfan · 19/02/2023 11:43

aSofaNearYou · 19/02/2023 09:40

Because people treat their kids differently tò their friends, in-laws and even their sisters.
Surely this is a surprise to no one?

I don't think everyone does well into their 30s, and that's where the difference of opinion comes from here. In their 20s, often yes, but by a certain point many parent/child relationships devolve away from that dynamic and become more adult to adult. They are family but not so much one looking after the other, and they have adult expectations of each other, including acting like a guest, not an incapable, scruffy child.

Yes, maybe it is different in different families.

Personally, I think it's really sad that she is thought of as a 'guest' in her father's home. This has presumably been the case since at least her twenties given the ages of OP's children, and maybe for much longer. When OP's children are older I wonder will they be considered guests too?
I do agree she should be washing her own sheets/doing the dishes etc! I think describing her as 'feral', as pp have, is way over the top. The OP describes her as a nice person, and as anxious and somewhat immature.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 19/02/2023 11:58

Ashorthistoryfan · 19/02/2023 11:43

Yes, maybe it is different in different families.

Personally, I think it's really sad that she is thought of as a 'guest' in her father's home. This has presumably been the case since at least her twenties given the ages of OP's children, and maybe for much longer. When OP's children are older I wonder will they be considered guests too?
I do agree she should be washing her own sheets/doing the dishes etc! I think describing her as 'feral', as pp have, is way over the top. The OP describes her as a nice person, and as anxious and somewhat immature.

Show quote history

I'm nearly 33 and if I went back home to my parents to stay I would think I was a guest too. Why wouldn't you? She's not a bloody child.