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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not wanting SD to stay in house while we are away

145 replies

guiling · 18/02/2023 20:42

DH and I have 2 under 5s, he has a DD from when he was a teenager, she is now 33.

She lives just over an hour away in a well known beautiful city where she has a great job she loves. However she is quite negative about the city and very anxious about not being in a relationship and maybe not having children. As a result she very often stays with us at weekends, and we have always told her she is welcome to come as much as she wants to. We have a good relationship.

I genuinely want her to be happy and to feel she has a home to come to when needed (her mother lives 3 hours away so we are easier to come to). I overlook niggles when she is here for this reason - such as:

  • she rarely cleans up / tidies up after herself
  • she often leaves lots of lights on eg bathroom or her bedroom after she has left the house,
  • on two occasions there have been several big obvious bloodstains on the sheets which she hasn't attempted to clean.
  • she always "forgets" to take her shoes off to go upstairs which is a house rule
  • she very often forgets or leaves her keys behind so we have made numerous copies for her / lent her ours (which she has sometimes lost!)

We live in London and while partly she wants to see us, a large factor is also going out to parties etc. She will often come back at 4-5am and then sleep all day. So barely sees us often.

The dilemma - soon we will be away for 4 weeks in the UK. Partly a holiday but partly helping an aunt with something (and we will be working from there at times).

I know that we will be asked if she can house sit and I'm just not comfortable with it mainly for the reasons above. I'm happy to welcome her to her father's home to visit, but not for it to be used as a party base while we are away.

AIBU if I say no?

OP posts:
Kisskiss · 18/02/2023 22:31

yanbu. She behaves like a teenager and I wouldn’t want to leave my house in the hands of a teenager , alone with no supervision for any period of time…

MrsClatterbuck · 18/02/2023 22:33

SchoolTripDrama · 18/02/2023 22:30

Oh come off it! We've all had either an unexpected early period in the night or a sudden flood above & beyond the tampon/pad we're wearing at the time, leaving a few drops on the sheets. It's happened to every menstruating woman at some point. Any who deny it are bold faced liars! As long as it goes straight in the wash then there's no need for any 'heaving' 🙄

Show quote history

Except it's not going straight in the wash by the Sd but it would appear to being left for the op to deal with.

SchoolTripDrama · 18/02/2023 22:35

@IDontWantToBeAPie Yeah? I'm 28 and go to parties all the time. My friends are 25 to 39 all without kids and parties are common. They're 33 not 83.

That's quite sad. In fact it's very sad 😔

Starseeking · 18/02/2023 22:37

It sounds like the SD left the mess for someone else (read OP) to deal with, rather than clean up herself @SchoolTripDrama. That IS grim.

Most women would have the decency to take 3 seconds to check the bedsheets after they slept in someone else's bed while on their period.

SchoolTripDrama · 18/02/2023 22:37

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/02/2023 22:15

She sounds a bit ditzy and I can see why that would be frustrating but leaking on your period or coming home late and sleeping in late are hardly good enough reasons to not want her to stay at yours.

They’re perfectly good reasons. OP is entitled to basic standards of decency, cleanliness and consideration from house guests. This isn’t the home DSD grew up in even if that was relevant and I’m not sure it is.

Cleanliness and consideration? So you're trying to say that you've NEVER unexpectedly come on your period early in the middle of the night or had a sudden flood overnight which has gone beyond the pad or tampon and got a drop or two on your bed sheets? Never?! That's called Nature and cannot be controlled! Nothing to do with cleanliness for heaven's sake!

Cocobutt · 18/02/2023 22:38

That's quite sad. In fact it's very sad 😔

How is going out and partying at 28 sad?

Are you the type that thinks women of a certain age should stay home and wait on their DHs?

I’d love to know what you do for fun.

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 18/02/2023 22:39

SchoolTripDrama · 18/02/2023 22:30

Oh come off it! We've all had either an unexpected early period in the night or a sudden flood above & beyond the tampon/pad we're wearing at the time, leaving a few drops on the sheets. It's happened to every menstruating woman at some point. Any who deny it are bold faced liars! As long as it goes straight in the wash then there's no need for any 'heaving' 🙄

Show quote history

Oh trust me I know that - its happened to me in hotel rooms!

Buy since when is it acceptable not to clean the stain or make your host clean up your period blood? That’s what’s made me gag. I’d be putting on my big girl pants and saying “Sorry I’ve leaked onto the sheets, how embarrassing, what do you have to remove the stains, I’ll wash them”

Idtotallybangdreamoftheendlessnotgonnalie · 18/02/2023 22:39

bagelbagelbagel · 18/02/2023 21:07

She's a millennial, the ones in our family are still treated like teenagers despite being in their early thirties. I'm sure not all millennials are like this, but the ones I have dealings with, in our family and through work etc, are a bit like your SC.

I hate myself from saying that but it's kind of true. Bit of a generational thing.

Imagine actually posting that bollocks though 🤣

berksandbeyond · 18/02/2023 22:39

I can’t get past your husband having a 33 year old and two children under 5… bloody hell

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 18/02/2023 22:40

Cocobutt · 18/02/2023 22:38

That's quite sad. In fact it's very sad 😔

How is going out and partying at 28 sad?

Are you the type that thinks women of a certain age should stay home and wait on their DHs?

I’d love to know what you do for fun.

Judging by all the useless, unfaithful, lazy, ungrateful and nasty men that women tolerate (and often post about on MN) it really is a wonder why people still feel the need to feel sorry for single women

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 18/02/2023 22:41

berksandbeyond · 18/02/2023 22:39

I can’t get past your husband having a 33 year old and two children under 5… bloody hell

Why?

He may have had 33yo age 16 (OP said he was a teen). Making him 49 now. So other kids at say 44 and 46. Perfectly normal

Cocobutt · 18/02/2023 22:41

It sounds like the SD left the mess for someone else (read OP) to deal with, rather than clean up herself

I have leaked on my period and not realised until the following night.

If you wear a pad and aren’t regularly heavy then you don’t expect to have leaked.

It’s only when I’ve woken up and it’s very obvious I’ve come on my period unexpectedly that I thoroughly check the bedsheets.

There was a thread not long ago about a woman who leaked and her DP went mad as she hadn’t changed the sheets because she hadn’t realised and there were numerous posts about women who’ve done the same.

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 18/02/2023 22:42

SchoolTripDrama · 18/02/2023 22:35

@IDontWantToBeAPie Yeah? I'm 28 and go to parties all the time. My friends are 25 to 39 all without kids and parties are common. They're 33 not 83.

That's quite sad. In fact it's very sad 😔

IKR, breaks my heart to hear about women having fun 😭😭

berksandbeyond · 18/02/2023 22:43

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 18/02/2023 22:41

Why?

He may have had 33yo age 16 (OP said he was a teen). Making him 49 now. So other kids at say 44 and 46. Perfectly normal

Show quote history

I wouldn’t say having a 30 year age gap between children is perfectly normal tbh and it may go some way to explaining why his grown adult daughter still acts like a child!

Dinoboymama · 18/02/2023 22:43

Your step daughter is older than me this is not a generational thing that some have mentioned.
It's laziness and lack of awareness from certain people. I would be mortified to leave anything lying around other people's houses including my parents.

newmumtopreciousbaby · 18/02/2023 22:44

You sound mean.
Nothing she’s done is that bad, and the comment about her period is just nasty.
I’m glad you’re not my stepmum.
You could get burgled without a house sitter so consider that, possibly.

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 18/02/2023 22:45

berksandbeyond · 18/02/2023 22:43

I wouldn’t say having a 30 year age gap between children is perfectly normal tbh and it may go some way to explaining why his grown adult daughter still acts like a child!

Show quote history

She acts like a child because her dad had more kids when she was almost 30? Really?

I know several men with adult sized age gaps between children.

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 18/02/2023 22:46

newmumtopreciousbaby · 18/02/2023 22:44

You sound mean.
Nothing she’s done is that bad, and the comment about her period is just nasty.
I’m glad you’re not my stepmum.
You could get burgled without a house sitter so consider that, possibly.

It’s nasty to suggest a woman should clean up for own period blood?

Im frankly amazed at the claim that women wouldn’t notice they’d leaked onto their sheets.

If you’ve leaked onto your sheets, you’ve leaked through your PJs. Which, presumably, you’d notice before you took them off. Surely you check the bed if you’ve woken up and noticed a leak through your PJs? Especially when staying at someone else’s house?

VivaLesTartes · 18/02/2023 22:51

bagelbagelbagel · 18/02/2023 21:07

She's a millennial, the ones in our family are still treated like teenagers despite being in their early thirties. I'm sure not all millennials are like this, but the ones I have dealings with, in our family and through work etc, are a bit like your SC.

I hate myself from saying that but it's kind of true. Bit of a generational thing.

Nah. I'm 33 have my own home and wouldn't treat mine or any other house like this. Can't think of anyone of my friends who act like teenagers. I can probably think of as many acquaintances in my parents age group as mine that would act this way.
Why are the ones on your family like that I wonder?

That said at her age I would feel like you should be able to feed this all back to her and she should take this on board and keep it tidy. And more importantly keep her key safe as you are not going to be able to help if she is locked out whilst you are away!

Eyerollcentral · 18/02/2023 22:52

Tbh bar the keys issue I think you are being quite harsh, all the other points are really minor inconveniences. Surely the solutions are that she pays the bills while you are away as she will be living there and she either undertakes to have the place professionally cleaned before you get back or she cleans it. She can give you a tour by face time a couple of days before you get back and if it’s not up to scratch she’ll have to pay for a cleaner. This has potential to cause a major rift here and whilst I understand your concern re keys honestly I think if I was your step daughter I would be deeply hurt you didn’t trust me. Her father needs to have a stern word with her. Aside from anything else surely it’s much safer to have the house occupied in your absence.

SunburstsOrMarbleHalls · 18/02/2023 23:02

DSD should definitely be more respectful of house rules. I can completely understand how this must frustrate you especially if this is repeated behaviour.

It sounds like she is switching off and reverting to a teenager when she visits.

I know a lot of people think the blood stains on the sheets are grim but she may genuinely be embarrassed and not know how to bring the topic up with you or her dad. Has a specific conversation about blood stained sheets taken place? along the lines of accidents happen but if she can give them a clean that would be really appreciated?

Fast forward a few decades, would you allow your own children to visit/stay in your house if they behaved the same? If the answer is no then stick to your guns with your DH.

My DD is like this re electric usage, keys and tidying but had ADD. She has a great job so all her mental focus is spent in work and not in her personal down time. It can be frustrating but it is what it is. I offset the inconvenience of tidying up when I get home with the fact she is doing me a favour house sitting and I would rather have someone present in the house for security.

Although frustrating nothing you have said is majorly awful so I would try again a discussion about house rules.

She most definitely is capitalising on the convenience of her dad living in London, she may think this is fine if not told any different. As long as her partying ended before she returned to the house and she was not routinely waking the household up on her return that wouldn't bother me.

DulcetTones · 18/02/2023 23:08

Not cleaning the sheets is gross. Acting like a teenager in your parent's home at the age of 33 is annoying. (Can't be bothered to help with the cleaning? Disregards house rules? Sleeps all day after partying all night, etc. Yes, that's annoying in a house guest, even if she is your husband's adult child.)

I'd be worried she wouldn't treat your home and belongings with respect, but the bigger concerns are the higher bills and the security of the house, if she can't be trusted to not lose her keys. She honestly sounds incredibly immature for 33, and I wouldn't want her in my house when I was away.

However, telling her she can't stay probably will cause some awkwardness and bad feeling. Even saying that she'd have to pay the bills while you're away might be uncomfortable. Considering that she behaves like a teenager, I'm assuming that none of you have the type of relationship where you can comfortably tell her what to do/how to behave. And to be honest, when the adult child is 33, that ship may have sailed!

Wearingatshirt · 18/02/2023 23:09

From the point where she's lost sets of keys then I'd be inclined to say no as a security risk and unreliable.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 18/02/2023 23:16

She’s 33. does she lose the keys to her own home or is it just your keys she doesn’t care enough about? Certainly old enough to have an adult conversation.

Susan-we need to talk. We love having you visit and we are really glad you see our home as your home. However, there are some issues cropping up that we need to talk about so that they don’t become massive problems and I don’t want us to fall out. We would like you to be more considerate when here; you are a grown woman and should behave as such. You need to turn lights off when you leave rooms, stop losing your house keys, clean up after yourself, strip your bed and put a load of washing on. Plus whatever non negotiables there are; and have the conversation with her dad there so she sees a united front.

FingerPuppet · 18/02/2023 23:22

She's a millennial, the ones in our family are still treated like teenagers despite being in their early thirties. I'm sure not all millennials are like this, but the ones I have dealings with, in our family and through work etc, are a bit like your SC.

No. She is a grown woman.

I’m 34 and I couldn’t imagine living like this. No one I know that’s my age lives like this.

I can’t wrap my head around the fact that she left her blood soaked bed sheets for you to clean. Or that she cannot take her shoes off to go upstairs. Or clean up after herself. I find all this quite shocking, actually.

I have two children under 5 too OP, and I would not tolerate another adult in our home who was regularly coming home drunk at 4am/5am, regardless of their relationship to me.

None of this is okay.

I think you need to rethink your offer of her coming to stay with you guys whenever she likes. Will she still be coming to sleepover at weekends when she is in her 40s?

She needs to build her own life, and you need to be a little less available.