AIBU not wanting SD to stay in house while we are away

[guiling]

DH and I have 2 under 5s, he has a DD from when he was a teenager, she is now 33.

She lives just over an hour away in a well known beautiful city where she has a great job she loves. However she is quite negative about the city and very anxious about not being in a relationship and maybe not having children. As a result she very often stays with us at weekends, and we have always told her she is welcome to come as much as she wants to. We have a good relationship.

I genuinely want her to be happy and to feel she has a home to come to when needed (her mother lives 3 hours away so we are easier to come to). I overlook niggles when she is here for this reason - such as:

• she rarely cleans up / tidies up after herself
• she often leaves lots of lights on eg bathroom or her bedroom after she has left the house,
• on two occasions there have been several big obvious bloodstains on the sheets which she hasn't attempted to clean.
• she always "forgets" to take her shoes off to go upstairs which is a house rule
• she very often forgets or leaves her keys behind so we have made numerous copies for her / lent her ours (which she has sometimes lost!)

We live in London and while partly she wants to see us, a large factor is also going out to parties etc. She will often come back at 4-5am and then sleep all day. So barely sees us often.

The dilemma - soon we will be away for 4 weeks in the UK. Partly a holiday but partly helping an aunt with something (and we will be working from there at times).

I know that we will be asked if she can house sit and I'm just not comfortable with it mainly for the reasons above. I'm happy to welcome her to her father's home to visit, but not for it to be used as a party base while we are away.

AIBU if I say no?

Thanks, following the messages.

We have an alarm we need to use if the house is empty for more than 4 weeks so would use that.

I think you're being a bit pedantic.

If you leave her with just one set of keys she'll have to take care of them or find herself on the streets.

DH can clean your floors and wash the sheets once she is gone. It's not like she's damaging anything or even dirtying something that's not routinely cleaned.

If you're worried about the electric usage (this would annoy me too) I'd tell her she can stay but you want a nominal contribution to the bills. Also remind her to turn the lights off when she is with you.

Say no guests, that's fair enough.

@BungleandGeorge yes and hopefully you can see that we have always welcomed her to stay and wanted to make it feel like a home for her. However this is about staying while we are not here though, so is different.

Definitely not!

She sounds silly and irresponsible. She's 33, not 13!

I'd definitely not allow her to stay for a month, lord knows what she'd do. Don't give her any more keys (or change the locks!) so she can't get in when you're away.

I don’t think YABU not wanting her to stay when you aren’t there, as it doesn’t sound like she respects your property. But, if you are going to say no, make sure that you have agreed this with DH as the likelihood is that she will ask him and he will probably say yes.

Isn’t her dad appalled by her slovenly ways? I wouldn’t be having her stay and grub up my house for regular weekends given how selfish and inconsiderate she is never mind 4 weeks while you’re away. She sounds grim.

You’d spend the entire time worrying and know you’d be coming home to a dirty shit tip and a huge utility bill.

I suspect her dad being oh so relaxed is part of why she’s got such low standards but it’s not just his house is it, it’s yours and your children’s.

Hard no.

It's a no from me too. You'd likely come back to a messy house and a huge electricity bill.

Based on what you’ve said, I do agree that her behaviour isn’t reasonable and I can see why you feel the way you do.

However, I can’t imagine being in her position… My parents always made it clear that we were welcome no matter how old we got. There is no way my parents would have requested I don’t stay because they will be away.

But every family is different.

No matter how far we flew the nest, home has always been where I grew up.

However, since my Dad died… my mum has moved and I do feel like her new place is only ‘hers’ and not ‘home’… so maybe it’s a maturity thing.

I guess my situation is different because my Mum actually asked if I would come and stay at hers for a few weekends whilst she is away visiting family, to keep an eye on things and water her plants etc.

However, if we wrecked the place and caused issues by staying then I’m sure she would set some different boundaries.

It’s tricky because she is your step daughter and if she is feeling as vulnerable and negative as you describe, she may react pretty badly, no matter how healthy and justified your boundaries are. Might be better coming from her Dad? What’s his opinion?

Jesus christ I think you need to put a stop to her staying over for her benefit. She's thirty bloody three! Maybe the reason she's not settled down is because she still goes to daddies at the weekend and goes out partying till the early hours and losing her damn keys like a child. She's acting like a teenager and it's holding her back from the adult life she wants.

YABU

She sounds like she’s got a great life and she’s making the most of her child free days whilst she still can.

She sounds a bit ditzy and I can see why that would be frustrating but leaking on your period or coming home late and sleeping in late are hardly good enough reasons to not want her to stay at yours.

I would 100% let her but DH needs to tell her that the house needs to be as you left it and so any mess needs to be cleaned up before you get home and her keys are her responsibility.

Behave like a teenager then expect to be treated and spoken to like one.

I'd let her stay. It's good to have the lights/boiler/ heating used when you're away.

Nothing you've said is massive. She'll have to clean up if she's h to r only one there. Period mishaps happen... she probably didn't know what type of sheets you have.

Yeah? I'm 28 and go to parties all the time. My friends are 25 to 39 all without kids and parties are common. They're 33 not 83.

She sounds a bit ditzy and I can see why that would be frustrating but leaking on your period or coming home late and sleeping in late are hardly good enough reasons to not want her to stay at yours.

They’re perfectly good reasons. OP is entitled to basic standards of decency, cleanliness and consideration from house guests. This isn’t the home DSD grew up in even if that was relevant and I’m not sure it is.

Admittedly I've not RTFT, so apologies if this has been suggested/discussed already, but surely in this instance you pre-empt things and arrange for someone else to house sit while you're away? A cousin/parent/friend who would appreciate a change of scenery for a few weeks?

If you're leaving a house vacant for 4 weeks in London then having her stay may be the lesser of two evils.

Just set expectations for cleanliness on your return / charge her for a cleaner?

It wouldn't 🤣.
If anything they would prefer an adult family member to occupy the house than it be empty for a month

Why does DH having been a teenager when he had his DD, at all relevant to this???

Think you’re being pretty hard on her. In the grand scheme of crap things adult children can do, these sound like pretty minor infractions and not really much of a reason to not let her stay.

I don't know. I can't imagine not being welcome in my parents home, even if they weren't there at the time.

a party base? she is 33!

So what?

Not everyone gets to 30 and decides to stop going out and enjoying themselves.

If I was child free I would be out every weekend still.
Life is for living.
Not just being in your PJs at 8pm every night.

I would also think leaving the house empty for a month could potentially cause more issues eg break ins, than shoes being worn upstairs.

Oh come off it! We've all had either an unexpected early period in the night or a sudden flood above & beyond the tampon/pad we're wearing at the time, leaving a few drops on the sheets. It's happened to every menstruating woman at some point. Any who deny it are bold faced liars! As long as it goes straight in the wash then there's no need for any 'heaving' 🙄

It’s the home her father shares with his wife and young children. It’s not her home. When she visits it’s as a guest and she can’t even be bothered to respect basic house rules when they’re all there.

Do you heave every time you change/changed your pad or tampon? Or are you a new breed of fertile yet 'period free' woman?!