AIBU not wanting SD to stay in house while we are away

[guiling]

DH and I have 2 under 5s, he has a DD from when he was a teenager, she is now 33.

She lives just over an hour away in a well known beautiful city where she has a great job she loves. However she is quite negative about the city and very anxious about not being in a relationship and maybe not having children. As a result she very often stays with us at weekends, and we have always told her she is welcome to come as much as she wants to. We have a good relationship.

I genuinely want her to be happy and to feel she has a home to come to when needed (her mother lives 3 hours away so we are easier to come to). I overlook niggles when she is here for this reason - such as:

• she rarely cleans up / tidies up after herself
• she often leaves lots of lights on eg bathroom or her bedroom after she has left the house,
• on two occasions there have been several big obvious bloodstains on the sheets which she hasn't attempted to clean.
• she always "forgets" to take her shoes off to go upstairs which is a house rule
• she very often forgets or leaves her keys behind so we have made numerous copies for her / lent her ours (which she has sometimes lost!)

We live in London and while partly she wants to see us, a large factor is also going out to parties etc. She will often come back at 4-5am and then sleep all day. So barely sees us often.

The dilemma - soon we will be away for 4 weeks in the UK. Partly a holiday but partly helping an aunt with something (and we will be working from there at times).

I know that we will be asked if she can house sit and I'm just not comfortable with it mainly for the reasons above. I'm happy to welcome her to her father's home to visit, but not for it to be used as a party base while we are away.

AIBU if I say no?

She’s got a lot of form for losing keys. That would make it too much of a security risk for me. Ordinarily it would be better to have an adult there than leave the house unoccupied, but not if she’s losing keys/ not locking up properly/ not switching things off before leaving. The anxiety of potentially having to check all that ever day would make me say no.

OP I’m a Xennial (1984) and would not treat a house like that. I cannot say I would be innocent of doing that at 18 but 20 years later and things change.

Your SD is showing a complete lack of disrespect for your house rules which does make things awkward. As a stepmother myself I know how difficult that line is to tread. I would probably let her stay but have her dad read the rules of what you expect in your home and how you expect it to look when you get back. If she fails then she does not get to stay alone again. You have to give her some responsibility though or she will forever act like a teenager.

Not sure why people are focussing on the period leak. Though all that required was to notice the sheets as she made her bed, strip it instead and stick a wash on or at least tell OP or her dad.

She leaves lights on, rolls in at 4 or 5 am, sometimes without her keys, sleeps half the day, and thinks she’s too important to tidy up after herself.

She can be lazy and have poor standards in her own home but it’s not okay in someone else’s.

The only reason anyone is defending this is that OP is this woman’s stepmum. Turns out being from a broken home is a get out of jail card well into your thirties - I really missed a trick there as a poor step child, how silly of me. Wasted opportunity to act like a teenager under someone else’s roof and expect to get away with it.

I've seen a few people say similar things. Why would it invalidate your insurance? How do people go away/do house swaps? I've never heard of it except for here.
OP - I don't think your reasons are great but I understand not wanting someone living in your house. I'm not a big fan of it ( though have done it for holidays/ petsitting etc.

Sad? How so? What should we be doing instead? Staying in every evening?

OP, I don't see the appeal in a 'housesitter' that leaves the place messy/dirty.

Has your husband spoken to her about having respect for your home? If not does he know how you feel about it?

It wouldn't. I'd be more worried about having no one there for 4 weeks.

My SD is just like this. Also early 30s. It’s amazing she can hold
down a job to be honest. I always thought she’d improve as she matured but she hasn’t. She’s a complete nightmare for being considerate and the way she treats our place. I actually thought she was a one off but sounds like she may have been separated from her twin at birth. I wouldn’t leave my SD alone in my house for a few hours let alone a few weeks.

Well you are entitled to say no, but it’s not very friendly given it’s her Dad’s house.

What I would do is say you are welcome to stay, but while we’re on the topic these are the house rules, you don’t follow them, you need to start following them. She needs some boundaries as she is stuck in an extended adolescence.

type of sheets? what do you mean by that?

Why is going to parties sad?!

@katepilar some of my high thread count sheets can't be put in the e washing machine or soaked with certain things. It affects the thread count. They're dry clean.

Cotton or poly etc obviously can be soaked with salt and then washed.

Some of my linen that were expensive won't get blood out until I take them to a specialist cleaner.

Obviously.

YANBU - I am a stepdaughter and younger than your SD. I wouldn't dream of behaving the way she does. You're right to have concerns OP. It's your home not a hotel.

OP, I cant blame you that you dont want her to stay, I wouldnt either. She clearly have issues, but they are not yours to solve.

@SchoolTripDrama I'd say going to parties is the opposite of sad (though I'd disapprove if there were drugs involved.) 33 isn't old.

@guiling Could there be a cleaner if she does stay? She could pay for them and a bit towards the electric bill. That might be enough to put her off coming, anyway.

Surely she won't be staying for the whole month if she has a place to live and a job an hour away? Just weekends?

As a member of the family, I feel you should let her but I would make it very clear that you expect her to tidy up after herself. And if she loses her key, that is her problem.

Lol.

How on earth is it sad to see friends, listen to music, dance, play games, have fun? Would you rather we sat at home and watched TV?

We all live in London, don't have kids yet and have free time we enjoy spending together.

Parties doesn't just mean teenagers vomiting cider behind the park... we are all professionals earning £35-150k, we own our homes or rent beautiful spaces, we go to museums and art galleries and restaurants and yes.. party together 😂

Thinking it's sad to be a 33yo having friends and enjoying parties is frankly Victorian.

There can't be much of an age difference between you both if you have under 5s? There is a huge difference in your personalities and where you are in your lives and I expect she just doesn't realise the things that annoy other people if she's usually messy and lives alone. You need to have a good talk with her about expectations as a guest in your home, whether she stays for one night or for longer and that it is upsetting and disrespectful to be used as hotel whilst not considering your family and feelings.

Oh please. I would not want any adult who behaved like a pig living in my home whilst I wasn’t there.

sounds like she’ll trash the house and lose the keys anyway leaving it more likely to be broken into than if you locked it up and turned the alarm on when you leave.

And yes leaving bodily fluids for someone else to clean up is disgusting. And I’ve never had a period leak and not noticed it, and I’ve never ever left my period stains to be cleaned up by someone else.

if you treat someone’s home like a shithole they’re not going to trust you to live there in their absence.

and this is not her parents home it’s not her childhood home. It’s her father and step mothers home and she’s a guest when she goes over.

My DH has a step mum and a similar age gap between his half siblings. No way would he treat his dads home the way this grown ass woman treats her fathers.

I don't know. I can't imagine not being welcome in my parents home, even if they weren't there at the time.

She is quite clearly welcome at her father’s home, though.

Would your parents be okay with you treating their home the way the SD is treating the OP’s home?

Mine wouldn’t tolerate it at all, not that I would be that disrespectful in the first place.

Where does your husband stand on the issues you've been having when she stays while the whole family's home - e.g., losing the keys, leaving the lights on, etc? Is he as bothered as you are? Is he also reminding her each time she "forgets"? Is he doing his share of cleaning up after her, or all of it? If so, he may be in agreement with you that she shouldn't stay.

If not, it's awkward. If you're worried that she'll ask her dad if she can stay and he'll say yes without talking with you first, I think you do have to preempt it, even though it might be uncomfortable to bring it up with him if she hasn't asked. You're not unreasonable to say no if you know you'd be miserable during your trip worrying about what's happening at home. The keys thing alone would worry me, but over a month all kinds of things could come up that she'll deal with badly if she's not able to remember basic common sense things like keys or treat the house or her family with respect and common sense.

I suppose you could install a combo lockbox, put all of the house lights on a timer or motion sensor, and put wipeable runners on the most traffic'd parts of the floors and plastic covers on her bed - but it's annoying to have to toddler-proof the house for a 33yo when you haven't had to do it for the actual toddlers.

I would let her stay. I couldn’t get worked up about the things you’re talking about. You could get the world’s most professional house sitters and you would have no idea if they left lights on, or walked upstairs in their shoes. The stained sheets are gross, but she might be better there on her own and try and rectify it herself. I would rather have her there and than the house empty. If she asks, I would say ‘course you can stay on the condition the house is gleaming when we get back and you don’t lose your keys. Oh and turn the bloody lights off because our electricity bill is through the roof.’

33 and still coming home at weekends like a uni student? maybe not helping her desire to settle down when she doesn't socialise where she lives. You're talking about her as if she's a teenager, time for daddy to set down boundaries, very disruptive for your home life.

She has her own home so doesn't need to stay in yours if you're not there!

I didn't say it was her home?
I said it was the home of her parent.
I would hate my children not to feel welcome to stay at my house anytime.
And, in fact, her father is happy for her to stay too. It's her stepmother who doesn't want her to.

She is quite clearly welcome at her father’s home, though.

Maybe by her father, but by OP? Not always, no. The OP has posted here because she clearly doesn't want her there while the rest of the family are away.