AIBU not wanting SD to stay in house while we are away

[guiling]

DH and I have 2 under 5s, he has a DD from when he was a teenager, she is now 33.

She lives just over an hour away in a well known beautiful city where she has a great job she loves. However she is quite negative about the city and very anxious about not being in a relationship and maybe not having children. As a result she very often stays with us at weekends, and we have always told her she is welcome to come as much as she wants to. We have a good relationship.

I genuinely want her to be happy and to feel she has a home to come to when needed (her mother lives 3 hours away so we are easier to come to). I overlook niggles when she is here for this reason - such as:

• she rarely cleans up / tidies up after herself
• she often leaves lots of lights on eg bathroom or her bedroom after she has left the house,
• on two occasions there have been several big obvious bloodstains on the sheets which she hasn't attempted to clean.
• she always "forgets" to take her shoes off to go upstairs which is a house rule
• she very often forgets or leaves her keys behind so we have made numerous copies for her / lent her ours (which she has sometimes lost!)

We live in London and while partly she wants to see us, a large factor is also going out to parties etc. She will often come back at 4-5am and then sleep all day. So barely sees us often.

The dilemma - soon we will be away for 4 weeks in the UK. Partly a holiday but partly helping an aunt with something (and we will be working from there at times).

I know that we will be asked if she can house sit and I'm just not comfortable with it mainly for the reasons above. I'm happy to welcome her to her father's home to visit, but not for it to be used as a party base while we are away.

AIBU if I say no?

Not everyone feels like this though. That's what I was agreeing with a pp.
I always felt at home in my parents house, especially before I married (in my thirties). I rented a series of places in the city where I worked, but never considered any of them 'home'. They were just places to stay. Home was where my family was. (Yes, this changed when I settled down, bought a house and started my own family. I felt I had two homes then. But before that? No. Very much no.)
And that seems to me to be the place OP's stepdaughter is...on her own and not really settled. So, for her, home could be where her family is. I do think it's sad that she's considered a guest there.

I feel at home there. We live almost next door to each other. I'd still be a guest. I've not lived there for over half my life.

Personally, I think it's really sad that she is thought of as a 'guest' in her father's home. This has presumably been the case since at least her twenties given the ages of OP's children, and maybe for much longer. When OP's children are older I wonder will they be considered guests too?

There's nothing sad about it. Guest does not = unwelcome. I'm younger than the SD here, I feel totally at home in my parents house, it's my childhood home. They're always ecstatic to see me, I'm a most welcome guest. But I am a guest, because I haven't lived there for years and never will again, I have my own home.

Likewise, my adult parents were guests in their parents houses. It's not unusual.

No. As I've said I don't have children yet so of course I don't cosleep. I have expensive fry clean sheets because they're 2000 thread count and feel like sleeping in water they're so soft.

I think it's a bit unkind not to let her stay

She isn’t a suitable person to house sit because she isn’t responsible enough. At 33 she should understand that if you house sit, you look after the house and keep it secure. That isn’t what she does when she stays with you, so she can’t be trusted to do better when you’re not there.

fucking hell! Glad you’re not sure cause you’re completely wrong!

It's different for different people/families I guess.
Maybe the stepdaughter in question doesn't really have a place she considers to be home in the same way you do? OP says she doesn't have a partner and is anxious about this. Maybe she's still in a house-share sort of set up?
All these sorts of things can affect where you feel is home.

I have a DNiece in her twenties who is in a similar position to OP's stepdaughter. Her parents aren't together, both have new partners and other, younger children. She works away on a fairly casual basis, she's in rented accommodation. She's single. I absolutely know for sure that she considers both her parents homes to be 'home' and spends more time at either place than in her rented apartment. I imagine she will probably set up her own home too one day, but she's not there yet. I can't even imagine a scenario where she'd not be allowed stay in either her mum or dad's homes if they were away. She's their daughter and just as much part of their families as her younger siblings. She not a guest, whether welcome or unwelcome. She's part of the family.

I have a DNiece in her twenties who is in a similar position to OP's stepdaughter. Her parents aren't together, both have new partners and other, younger children. She works away on a fairly casual basis, she's in rented accommodation. She's single. I absolutely know for sure that she considers both her parents homes to be 'home' and spends more time at either place than in her rented apartment. I imagine she will probably set up her own home too one day, but she's not there yet. I can't even imagine a scenario where she'd not be allowed stay in either her mum or dad's homes if they were away. She's their daughter and just as much part of their families as her younger siblings. She not a guest, whether welcome or unwelcome. She's part of the family.

What I really struggle with is the idea that if you don't still consider your parents house your own, you aren't family. I will always be part of my parents family, just not one of the people who lives there. Connecting the two things makes something perfectly normal sound sad when it really doesn't need to.

FWIW I still considered myself a guest in my early 20s, single and living in rented accommodation/house shares. The point wasn't where I lived, it was that I didn't live there. And regardless, as an adult I considered myself responsible for not putting others out by still making childish mess. My parents had had enough of that when I was a child.

Why is it sad to go to parties!?

Although I am not sure that going clubbing every weekend in a different city from where she lives is probably going to help her towards starting a family etc. But that is a different thing. I think yoy have posted about her before?

How would you feel if it was your own child? Could you not ask for a contribution to gas/electric, be honest that things are tight and say you would have used the savings in the bills to fund some of your trip. Discuss house rules etc.

If it was my child I'm not sure I would say no.

FWIW I still considered myself a guest in my early 20s, single and living in rented accommodation/house shares.

And I didn't @aSofaNearYou. My real home at that point of my life was my childhood, family home (though I rented elsewhere a lot of the time). If I was asked for a home address I would be more likely to give that one (as it was more permanent). As I keep saying, in agreement with a pp, people think about these sorts of things differently.

Yes, I get that. People do think differently, but it's not inherently "sad", as many people keep saying.

A huge amount of grown up children don't themselves feel sad about it at all, or like they aren't part of their family.

Sounds like she has a lot of maturing to do, the partying being irrelevant, but i can imagine you saying 'no' will not go down well.
FWIW, even with all her negative traits i think it would be good to have someone in the house if you're going to be away for that length of time.

It comes down to parenting. If you raise your child to not have respect, ambition, kindness or politeness then you can't expect your children to exude those qualities. I'm a "millennial" and am far from what you have described. Maybe its your generation who have failed at parenting. I hate myself for saying it but it's true, it's a generational thing.

Hi all, thanks for the considered responses (even of course those which think IABU but who explain their view as part of that).

And not surprised by the odd extreme response either (calling me nasty etc or completely misinterpreting my words) - this is the nature of a public forum I guess!

In response to a PP - she actually owns her own place and it's very nice.

I agree there's a lot going on and perhaps our behaviour has enabled her behaviour when at ours, but we are trying to help her and make her life nice when she visits. She is increasingly unhappy and concerned about her future marriage/children wise. We just want her to be happy.

I might bow out now as have taken on board the reasoned responses (on both sides!) and thank you to those of you who took the time to read and think and then post thoughtful responses!

My mother changed the locks when we were bigger which is fine - my parents' own territory and if we had an arranged visit they would let us in. it is just different families have different cultures.
I have my youngest 2 living at home - early 20s and for the last few days an older son has been staying and I would see he treats it as being a guest here. I let him stay whilst we went on holiday for a week last year for which he was very grateful (he is a son not a step child).

Sorry, meant to add. If it were my child aged 33 and they showed these traits when visiting, I would be much more direct to them (as you can as a mother) and would feel the exact same concerns about leaving the house in their hands.

Its a shame your DH can't be direct with her, would make it a lot easier for you.

I’d be cautious too - is there someone who lives near and could check in regularly on her and the house?