My MILs partner smacked our 3 year old

[BubblingRage]

Sorry for this being very long winded!
A bit of background first. MIL moved her new partner into her house after talking to each other for a month during the first lockdown. Everything was very quick and he seemingly arrived at her house with nothing. No furniture, towels, tv… literally just a handful of clothes. I always found him a bit “iffy” and refused to let my then 2 year old round to his nanny’s without me or my husband being there. (Once lockdown lifted obviously). Fast forward nearly 2 years and I’ve warmed to him, so I finally agree for my MIL to have our 3 and 1 year old overnight near Christmas so we could go out a celebrate my birthday. For a couple of weeks afterwards my 3 year old didn’t want “nanny” and (I shall refer to him as) “R” to come round our house. He also started not wanting to go round to nanny’s house either. This was very unusual as he usually dotes on his nan. Alarm bells starting ringing.
They came round to ours on Boxing Day as their surrogate Christmas Day. I noticed that R was often rolling his eyes and shaking his head at our DS. He wasn’t doing anything wrong, he was just an excited 3 year old at Christmas!
DS didn’t mention anything for a couple of weeks so I assumed he’d forgotten all about whatever was bugging him. Every so often he would drop into conversation or just randomly say that he doesn’t like “R”. I lightly questioned him about it but never really got a proper answer out of him. My DH asked MIL if anything had happened. She said R told DS off for throwing a dice. So we assumed that was what was wrong!
This morning DS randomly said again that he doesn’t like R. I sat him down and said that I will always help him. I always believe him and will never be angry or sad if he tells me what is bothering him and that I will always help him. But that I can’t help him if he doesn’t tell me what’s wrong. He then said that “R” smacked him round the head when he had a sleepover at nanny’s. Nanny had gone to get him a drink, DS was playing with a dice and R smacked him. He didn’t tell him off or shout, just smacked him.
I am beyond livid and although he’s only 3, I believe my son implicitly.
I don’t know what to do. We’re going to mention it to MIL and not let DS round to their house. But I feel like that’s not enough!
im just absolutely gutted for my son. And I’m so annoyed that I didn’t listen to my own instinct.
What would you do in this situation?!

I think the fact that he's feels comfortable rolling his eyes, shaking his head etc at a there yr old boy in front of his parents and his grandmother...is significant.

Very odd behaviour.

Regardless of what happened, your son hasn't wanted to go around there since.

His relative lack of relationship with his own grown up kids is also notable.

@Nimbostratus100
"3 years olds dont react like this to a slap. They dont know its wrong, itr doesnt play on their mind, and they are more likely to become MORE affectionate to an abuser, rather than less

3 year old also dont have this kind of memory"

What claptrap.

This is ludicrous nonsense.

Three year olds know they don't like to be hit. Three month olds know it!!

Wow I'm in utter shock anyone would even suggest this kind of nonsense.

This is exactly the kind of thing that would play on a small child's mind for months on end.

I don’t mean this to sound quite as it comes out but who gives a shit about whether he came with towels or not and the whole back story on him and your MIL. If the backstory was a naice set of GPs, does that make it ok?

He hit your child. NEVER acceptable.

Don’t buy this for a second, and even if there was a shred of truth in it, it’s not worth taking the chance that the child is not the exception rather than the rule. The OP knows very little about this man who turned up and was apparently accepted into MIL’s home as a live in partner after a few weeks of contact. Absolutely no reason to disbelieve the child, and safer to do so until it’s proven otherwise. The alternative is unthinkable.

maybe I am more highly trained in this area and have cared for more abused children than you?

The more you talk, the less likely I think that is. How about, instead of taking offence at a reasonable question relating to child abuse, and making veiled insults, you actually answer the question?

a child this age doesnt have this sort of thing "play on their mind" and keep it secret knowing it was wrong, and then answer questions about it when asked

So I ask again, trusting you will skip the offence and anger and insults and actually answer: how do you work that one out? Tell us all about your high levels of training, qualifications and expertise as you do. You wouldn't use a suspected case of child abuse to puff yourself up, would you?

Never let him near your children again.

And never let your children sleep over at a house where a man is present who you barely know!

@ReneBumsWombats

I agree if someone claims to be trained and says "you don't know my qualifications" then the obvious response is ok, tell me all the relevant information about your training and qualifications, not hide behind "I am highly trained so you can assume whatever level of training you assume I have and still think I'm wrong, you don't know for certain that I'm not just a little bit more trained than that and can use that uncertainty to claim I have privileged knowledge on the situation that I don't have to or couldn't explain, and therefore you have to assume I'm right".

Nonsense.

OP I think your DH should sit down and have a chat to MIL on her own to ask what happened, and then let her know what DS said and your decision on the matter.

’Smacked around the head’ was the OP’s description based on what her DS had told her. And he wasn’t ‘harping on’ about a smack after two months - he didn’t want to go to GM’s after being keen to do so before the alleged incident. His behaviour led to the questioning and GM confirmed something had happened -she described it as her DP shouting at him, but her DS said he had been smacked. There was also intolerant behaviour towards DS from GM’s DP in the presence of the OP. And if someone has hit or threatened him it doesn’t matter whether his account is the full truth, he has been hit and that’s all that matters. What a load of shit.

How many 3 year old are going to be harping on about a simple smack after 2 months?

Let me guess, you're one of those people who says it's ok to smack children because they won't remember it?

My 3 year old (4 in May) still tells me she doesn't want to go to the 'nasty doctors because I don't like the spray in my nose'. She means the flu vaccine she had when she'd not long turned 2.

Surely that means your own children.even in England you can't go around hitting other people's kids.

I remember being hit by my parents at the age of three or thereabouts. It was traumatic, why would I not remember?

Have you considered what will happen if your DS tells someone at nursery about what happened. If they follow procedures properly a report to social services will be made and they will want to know how you have safeguarded him. It's not always enough to say you won't let your child in his presence again. You may be asked why didn't seek medical attention or report abuse.

You won't get asked why you didn't seek medical advice on a smack that happened 3 months ago that you weren't aware had happened.

I'm 50 and still ŕemember being smacked by my mother when I was little.

I absolutely do not believe your son is ‘lying’ or ‘exaggerating’ about this situation for the following reasons:

1. the person in question is a stranger not his mummy who he feels comfortable enough to exaggerate in the moment with (kids ay 🙄)

2. it happened such a long time ago and he is STILL genuinely so upset/afraid/very unsettled by the situation and the person in question

3. if he was exaggerating or lying about what happened I highly doubt at 3 he would be able to carry on this ‘act’ of being scared and saying ‘I don’t like R’ and ‘I don’t want to go to Nanny’s because of R’ he’d have given up long ago!

4. if he was previously close to Nanny he wouldn’t give up his time with her just to spite a horrible man who ‘shouted at him’

5. toddlers are cheeky not manipulative, let’s say he’s still annoyed that this man told him off he would probably be very vocal about not liking him rather than behave differently and refuse to see him and Nanny

6. what did he exaggerate from? He said ‘R smacked me round the head’ but if he’s exaggerating what exactly did R do? It must have been something physical for him to say that (you know this because of the example you give in your OP of holding his arm) so even if R put his hand on the side of your sons head and pushed it or nudged it he’s still so vile and wrong!

I don’t know much about the law but it’s well worth asking and trying to find out more about this man…he could be a danger…or he could just be an utter twat! Either way he doesn’t deserve your family and I would stay away (I do wonder if MIL is ok or at risk)

Please please be there for your little boy and continue to make sure he knows he can be honest with you.

Not actually true @MySugarBabyLove

ANYONE can make a Claire's Law request if they are concerned about a relationship. Only the partner who is at risk will receive any potential disclose.

Its very common for a family member or professional to use Claires Law to the benefit of a new partner they are concerned for.

A traumatised young child would remember. I'd consider reporting the incident.

And in addition, the police will report any cause for concern if the OP contacts them in relation to the assault.

Tell MIL immediately. If you dont want to do this in person then message her and tell her and state that you wont be visiting with your children if and when he's there and he's not welcome to your house.
I'd suggest you do a check on him via the police too under Sarah's Law to see if there are any issues.
I work in child protection and believe me child abuse is more common than people think

A DBS check for the council will look for convictions. That doesn't mean he's never been reported for anything. After all Ian Huntley ended up working for a school even though there had been previous accusations. My gt nephews infants school headmaster was sacked a couple of years ago when it was discovered he was downloading and distributing child porn. He was even the safeguarding lead!

I’d contact the police. Even if it has been a while since the incident- it’s worth contacting them and seeking advice. I’m absolutely livid for you. Never ever let him near your children again. If MIL chooses to stay with him then cut all ties with her too. I’m sorry this happened to your wee one.

It’s true that a 3-year-old doesn’t always give an accurate picture, but this child has been consistently trying to avoid this man, so something more that a little telling off has happened. YANBU. What is your husband saying about it?

Totally agree.

Categorically do not have him go there again. Background check. Sounds dodgy on many levels.

Claire’s law is for adults to be able to do a background check on a partner to see whether they have previous convictions against a partner. Nothing to do with child abuse and only a partner can request one.

That's only partially right - it is about domestic abuse history but snce the Domestic Abuse Act 2021 children are now classed as victims in their own right so if a checkwas done and it revealed a history of violence against a child, this would be eligible for disclosure. Also, anyone can make a request under Claire's Law (Domestic Violence Disclosure Scheme) and the police will consider whether to grant the request. Partners are more likely to have a request agreed than other people but other people can make an application.