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AIBU?

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Original poster

My MILs partner smacked our 3 year old

284 replies

BubblingRage · 18/02/2023 12:46

Sorry for this being very long winded!
A bit of background first. MIL moved her new partner into her house after talking to each other for a month during the first lockdown. Everything was very quick and he seemingly arrived at her house with nothing. No furniture, towels, tv… literally just a handful of clothes. I always found him a bit “iffy” and refused to let my then 2 year old round to his nanny’s without me or my husband being there. (Once lockdown lifted obviously). Fast forward nearly 2 years and I’ve warmed to him, so I finally agree for my MIL to have our 3 and 1 year old overnight near Christmas so we could go out a celebrate my birthday. For a couple of weeks afterwards my 3 year old didn’t want “nanny” and (I shall refer to him as) “R” to come round our house. He also started not wanting to go round to nanny’s house either. This was very unusual as he usually dotes on his nan. Alarm bells starting ringing.
They came round to ours on Boxing Day as their surrogate Christmas Day. I noticed that R was often rolling his eyes and shaking his head at our DS. He wasn’t doing anything wrong, he was just an excited 3 year old at Christmas!
DS didn’t mention anything for a couple of weeks so I assumed he’d forgotten all about whatever was bugging him. Every so often he would drop into conversation or just randomly say that he doesn’t like “R”. I lightly questioned him about it but never really got a proper answer out of him. My DH asked MIL if anything had happened. She said R told DS off for throwing a dice. So we assumed that was what was wrong!
This morning DS randomly said again that he doesn’t like R. I sat him down and said that I will always help him. I always believe him and will never be angry or sad if he tells me what is bothering him and that I will always help him. But that I can’t help him if he doesn’t tell me what’s wrong. He then said that “R” smacked him round the head when he had a sleepover at nanny’s. Nanny had gone to get him a drink, DS was playing with a dice and R smacked him. He didn’t tell him off or shout, just smacked him.
I am beyond livid and although he’s only 3, I believe my son implicitly.
I don’t know what to do. We’re going to mention it to MIL and not let DS round to their house. But I feel like that’s not enough!
im just absolutely gutted for my son. And I’m so annoyed that I didn’t listen to my own instinct.
What would you do in this situation?!

OP posts:
creekingmillenial · 19/02/2023 17:46

ArcticSkewer · 18/02/2023 12:49

That's awful!

I'm sure there are lots of things you can do but I actually would start by asking the police to do a background check on him using the Sarah's Law/Claire's law.

this

PrincessScarlett · 19/02/2023 17:59

AnnieSnap · 19/02/2023 17:37

It’s true that a 3-year-old doesn’t always give an accurate picture, but this child has been consistently trying to avoid this man, so something more that a little telling off has happened. YANBU. What is your husband saying about it?

I agree with this. What stands out for me isn't whether or not your son is able to recall the hitting incident correctly, but that his behaviour has changed towards this man and his nan and that he doesn't like going over to his Nan's anymore. Something has happened that he doesn't like and makes him uncomfortable and/or scared.

PrincessScarlett · 19/02/2023 18:02

GoodChat · 18/02/2023 21:28

You won't get asked why you didn't seek medical advice on a smack that happened 3 months ago that you weren't aware had happened.

Show quote history

But you will get a call from social services. Happened to a friend of ours where grandparent hit grandchild and when this was disclosed the parents had a call from social services and had to remain on social services radar for 3 months.

Greendoor12 · 19/02/2023 18:05

Didn’t read past the title. This is how abuse happens, non family person allowed access to children. My children would never be back and very low contact with MIL if she doesn’t dump him.

Nain5 · 19/02/2023 18:14

This man has assaulted your son pure and simple. I shuddered when I read the words smacked him round the head, a child should never be smacked around the head ever. The action causes a form of whiplash. My mother hit me like that many times as a child and once as a adult(long story) I have permanent damage to every vertebrae in my neck as result I have to have regular traction to my neck to keep me pain free and prevent of feeling in my hands and feet. He is not family he has no rights. I wouldn't hesitate to contact the police not just to protect your son but also your mother, men like this are nasty bullies and if he thinks he has got away with it he may start hitting your mother. All the luck possible with this I hope you sort things out.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 19/02/2023 18:17

He works for the local council so I’m assuming they’d crb check him?

Not unless it was pertinent to his role. What's his job there?

Twentyfirstcenturymumma · 19/02/2023 18:20

BertieBotts · 18/02/2023 13:01

Definitely no more contact with R for your son.

I would not expect MIL to break up with him, that's her own choice and decision, but I would let her know that there will be no more sleepovers when R is in the house. Of course she is welcome to see DS without him there.

This

Lambchop1 · 19/02/2023 18:25

Wow. R would never see, speak, hear or breathe the same air as me and my child again. I would tell MIL frankly that this is set up now. If she wants to see her grandchildren she comes to your house alone to see them and never mentions this man again to you as he is now out of your family unit for good.
he is a nasty predator who has worked his way in with your MIL and has assaulted your child. If MIL stays with him she is not a protector for your child and you need to remember this.

Pssspsss · 19/02/2023 18:33

ArcticSkewer · 18/02/2023 12:49

That's awful!

I'm sure there are lots of things you can do but I actually would start by asking the police to do a background check on him using the Sarah's Law/Claire's law.

This in spades

Sennelier1 · 19/02/2023 18:44

I'mgran myself, and i would go absolutelu ballistic of anyone put even a finger.on my grandchild.

MrsRagnarLothbrok · 19/02/2023 18:52

SchoolTripDrama · 18/02/2023 15:09

They won’t give OP the info, it's only for people in, or previously in, a relationship with the person

Show quote history

Who can apply
Anyone who is worried about someone's behaviour towards a child can apply, not just a child's parents. This includes people like a grandparent, neighbour or friend.
No matter who makes the application, if there is information we decide to share, we will tell whoever can use the information to keep the child safe.
This might not be the person who made the application, it might be someone else (like the child's parents).
www.met.police.uk/rqo/request/ri/request-information/sarahs-law-beta/sarahs-law-child-sex-offender-disclosure-scheme/

this is from the met police website so please make the request

grumpycow1 · 19/02/2023 18:54

This man assaulted your child. Why are you not reporting him to the police??

Lululeman · 19/02/2023 19:21

This made me so angry!!! I am so sorry for your little one. That bastard. You are right. He can’t got to MILs. Gutted for you having to deal with this. Keep us posted. We’ve got your back.

WoosMama13 · 19/02/2023 19:26

I was about to suggest the exact same thing.
OP, ask for both disclosures. Who knows if your MIL is hiding stuff being done to her. If he has a history on either front, you can try and help her if needed too and keep your little ones away. Good luck.

ClairDeLaLune · 19/02/2023 19:28

BubblingRage · 18/02/2023 18:51

So a bit more background on my MIL. She had an affair and left my husbands dad for another man who had a terminal illness (they were childhood sweethearts) she married him shortly before he died. My DH had a bit of trouble wrapping his head round all of it (understandably) and she truly believed I was manipulating him against her… I wasn’t.
We then built a better relationship between her and myself when I was pregnant with DS1. DH has said that she never laid a hand on him when he was younger and that smacking was definitely not a thing in their household.
In lockdown 1, when they introduced bubbles for single households, we asked her if she wanted to form one. She turned us down as she was planning on moving in with R.
He has 2 grown children from a previous relationship who he sees a few times a year. No mention of their mum.
The only thing I can find online about him is his linked in page and a CV which has a 20 month gap in it.
She recently bought a house on her own and he pays her rent as he couldn’t go in on the mortgage due to having some debt, which he has told my husband he’s now paid off. Another red flag. Where has he got the money to pay it off?
He works for the local council so I’m assuming they’d crb check him?

DS has over exaggerated things in the past but I definitely wouldn’t say he’s a liar! He’s got the memory of an elephant so is very reliable in that respect.

I think we’re going to sit MIL down in person and ask her about it and tell her that DS will not be spending time at her house if he is there.
I don’t want to give her an ultimatum as what she does with her own personal life is her business. She can see DS but it has to be at our house and supervised.
Im also going to apply for background through Sarah’s law.

The council don’t CRB check employees as a matter of course, unless they’ll be working with children or vulnerable adults. So don’t rely on that as a safety net.

Lululeman · 19/02/2023 19:28

I have to post again; this is so upsetting. Your ds kept that information to himself and was afraid to see the bastard again. Brave little boy. Others have given you good advice and I know you will do the right thing. Stay safe.

Pumpkin20222 · 19/02/2023 19:31

YoBeaches · 18/02/2023 12:57

I'm livid for you. I agree with pp re Claire's law and background checks his whole arrival sounds dodgy.

And note how he waited till your MIL was out of the room to do it. It was calculated and deliberate.

Your DH can make the decision with your mum if there's an ultimatum or not but clearly if she wants to see him she does in her own at your house and that's as afar as it can go for as long as she's with him.

You don't know how he might be abusive to her also in any range of ways.

Perhaps a sit down chat with your MIL to make this all very clear - and see if she's ok too.

Agree with all this, was going to make a similar suggestion. Want to add, well done for having the conversation with your son. He has to know that what happened was wrong and that action was taken against the abuser. Therefore, following it up strongly and with a clear plan is important.

bakebeans · 19/02/2023 19:31

I think this guy needs a good effing smack around the head! 😡😡

FabFitFifties · 19/02/2023 19:31

These situations aren't always black and white, my niece, who was an excellent talker well before the age of 2, told her mum I'd smacked her bottom and twisted her arm! I'd done neither obviously. It was ridiculous that she could even say it never mind make it up. My son, now 12,still insists his father put a towel over his head and pushed him down the stairs, when he was about 4. In your case however, I would definately explore further,given he has shown himself to be intolerant of DS, and I wouldn't be leaving your son there. Follow your instincts.

Dibbydoos · 19/02/2023 19:38

ArcticSkewer · 18/02/2023 12:49

That's awful!

I'm sure there are lots of things you can do but I actually would start by asking the police to do a background check on him using the Sarah's Law/Claire's law.

Do this to be sure he hasn't got form.
Tell MIL and if police not taking action, call him out. Be clear that your DCs will not visit their DGM again, she will need to visit them and he is not welcome now or ever.
The man is a disgusting piece of work.

Fairylightsandstuff · 19/02/2023 19:41

Op what’s your husband doing about this? Is he really going to let a grown man hit his little boy and get away with it?

Pumpkin20222 · 19/02/2023 20:07

Mandyjack · 19/02/2023 17:25

Tell MIL immediately. If you dont want to do this in person then message her and tell her and state that you wont be visiting with your children if and when he's there and he's not welcome to your house.
I'd suggest you do a check on him via the police too under Sarah's Law to see if there are any issues.
I work in child protection and believe me child abuse is more common than people think

OP and her husband need to contact MIL asap, but may need to exercise some caution with how they do it. Along with being abusive, he may also be controlling and reading phone messages. Completely agree on carrying out the checks. Sad to read child abuse is more common than many realise.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 19/02/2023 20:23

He works for the local council so I’m assuming they’d crb check him?

That entirely depends what he does for them. Many council employees won’t be checked as there is no need.

And things have tightened to clamp down on employers just checked everyone and anyone that became prevalent for a while. Checks have to be relevant to the role someone has and fit the pattern of who hey they are entitled to have checked

Led9519 · 19/02/2023 20:30

I think it really crosses a line when not even a family member decides to discipline your child. He should have left it to mil. It’s not his place and is weird.
I might quite casually say to mil “did R smack dc when he told him off.” If she says yes you have to say you’re not prepared to leave DC in R’s company without you present in future.
And of course you should believe your DC and your instincts! What’s the harm in that? More harm should you believe it’s not true.

Chocolateonsticks · 19/02/2023 20:31

Report him to the police 100%, what an evil c**t. You sound an amazing mum who has done everything right in an awful situation I hope you're okay along with your little boy.