My MILs partner smacked our 3 year old

[BubblingRage]

Sorry for this being very long winded!
A bit of background first. MIL moved her new partner into her house after talking to each other for a month during the first lockdown. Everything was very quick and he seemingly arrived at her house with nothing. No furniture, towels, tv… literally just a handful of clothes. I always found him a bit “iffy” and refused to let my then 2 year old round to his nanny’s without me or my husband being there. (Once lockdown lifted obviously). Fast forward nearly 2 years and I’ve warmed to him, so I finally agree for my MIL to have our 3 and 1 year old overnight near Christmas so we could go out a celebrate my birthday. For a couple of weeks afterwards my 3 year old didn’t want “nanny” and (I shall refer to him as) “R” to come round our house. He also started not wanting to go round to nanny’s house either. This was very unusual as he usually dotes on his nan. Alarm bells starting ringing.
They came round to ours on Boxing Day as their surrogate Christmas Day. I noticed that R was often rolling his eyes and shaking his head at our DS. He wasn’t doing anything wrong, he was just an excited 3 year old at Christmas!
DS didn’t mention anything for a couple of weeks so I assumed he’d forgotten all about whatever was bugging him. Every so often he would drop into conversation or just randomly say that he doesn’t like “R”. I lightly questioned him about it but never really got a proper answer out of him. My DH asked MIL if anything had happened. She said R told DS off for throwing a dice. So we assumed that was what was wrong!
This morning DS randomly said again that he doesn’t like R. I sat him down and said that I will always help him. I always believe him and will never be angry or sad if he tells me what is bothering him and that I will always help him. But that I can’t help him if he doesn’t tell me what’s wrong. He then said that “R” smacked him round the head when he had a sleepover at nanny’s. Nanny had gone to get him a drink, DS was playing with a dice and R smacked him. He didn’t tell him off or shout, just smacked him.
I am beyond livid and although he’s only 3, I believe my son implicitly.
I don’t know what to do. We’re going to mention it to MIL and not let DS round to their house. But I feel like that’s not enough!
im just absolutely gutted for my son. And I’m so annoyed that I didn’t listen to my own instinct.
What would you do in this situation?!

It's absolutely no excuse when they were born or were parents.

I was born at the end of 40s and my children were born in the 80s. I was never smacked and neither were my children.

IMO smacking was never an acceptable way to discipline children.

The day I witnessed my horrible son in law smack his two small daughters across the back of their heads for some minor misdemeanour was the day I had my initial opinion of him as a thug and a bully confirmed.

I agree with pps OP, you need to report this as an assault.

You and your husband need to pay MIL and R a visit and read them the riot act.

And if MIL doesn't chuck this waste of space out immediately, in your shoes, I'd be very wary of her having access to my son anywhere other than in my home and certainly not without me in attendance all the time.

Oh yes she can!!!

At the risk of turning this into a panto, the OP can. You're confusing it with the Domestic Violence Disclosure Scheme (Clare's Law).

From the Metropolitan Police link posted by @ArcticSkewer above:

Who can apply
Anyone who is worried about someone's behaviour towards a child can apply, not just a child's parents. This includes people like a grandparent, neighbour or friend.

No matter who makes the application, if there is information we decide to share, we will tell whoever can use the information to keep the child safe.

This might not be the person who made the application, it might be someone else (like the child's parents).

That's terrible I feel so sorry for your DS, but it's great he told you
I think DH should speak to his DM and tell her she can only see DS( without R) at your house in future
If she asks to have DC it's a flat No and explain why

'R' is a predatory, intollerant, scumbag, with absalutely no self control.

He also has no right to slap or smack your child.

For your childs' safety, You need to create as much distance between this individual and your child. Don't let objections ( if there are any) stop you.

*Your little boy has the right to feel safe.

If your ds had lied about you pinching his arm… is there any possibility he could be exaggerating?

Many thanks for that clarification, Unicorns, and to ArcticSkewer who's earlier post I missed. It's good to know anyone involved with a child can ask about these things, and I honestly didn't know that

You should be pulling him up on him rolling his eyes and shaking his head. You need to find out this man's background and not leave your children there until this is all sort out.

OP you need to contact the police. A grown man hit a 3 year old toddler round the head. That is beyond concerning. Well done for remaining so calm, I don't like to think what I'd have done.

Also agree with this. I think clares law is more for domestic abuse type stuff. But I think Sarah's law is more for children? Is that right please correct me if I'm not. But that's definitely not ok from this man

This is awful, OP.

I am put out that some posters have suggested that people who had babies in the 1980s (and were children in the 1960s) would see smacking as acceptable.

I was born in 1956. My parents did not smack me and I remember my mother and father telling us that they had made a pact never to hit any of us. They told us that when an adult hits a child, they have shown the child that the adult is not to be trusted, and that the adult has lost the respect of the child.

My children were born in the 1980s and I did not hit them.

I do wonder if the OP's mother's partner is also violent to her? To the OP's mother, I mean.

It wouldn't surprise me.

I agree.

Rolling your eyes at a child in front of the parents is a very aggressive action.

I would be very wary of the arrogance of someone doing that.

It is the sort of thing you do to someone who irritates and annoys you.

This!

Instinct is powerful and he's proven you right

What would you do in this situation?!
smack 'R' round the head with a baseball bat

Your DS isn’t safe with this man - whether R actually hit your DS ( and I would believe him) or DS imagines or feels that he did or might do - he doesn’t feel safe so he isn’t . It’s possible your MIL isn’t safe either, with this man. Do you ever see her without him? Just wondering about how much control he has. Get him checked out and keep him out of your lives. One hit is one too many.

What would you do in this situation?!

Suppress the urge to smack him oops upside the head myself, ban him from ever seeing me or my kids and consider my relationship with my mother if she didn't fuck him off too.

I would absolutely report this to the police. Firstly, it's assault and falls out with the English law on 'reasonable chastisement', secondly, reporting it may actually trigger checks on other intelligence of his behaviour that hasn't been joined up yet. The fact he landed from elsewhere with minimal possessions is dodgy and he may have had to leave where he came from so your MIL was a quick and easy getaway.
As others have said, it's unlikely he will be prosecuted but it is possible he will be invited in for voluntary interview and even if he denies the incident and it's NFA'd it's a footprint against him should he behave violently again. He could move in to another relationship and do the same again.
Your MIL should consider a Clare's Law disclosure but even if that yields nothing he has still assaulted her grandchild and she should make informed decisions based on this fact. But if there is information on him historically it may help her with her decision making if she's struggling.
You absolutely can not allow this man near your child supervised or not.
Any repeat incident and you haven't reported the first time will not reflect well on you as parents as well as the obvious exposing your vulnerable child to further harm.
I'd be wary if a big show down though, he's got a propensity to violence and it may isolate MIL - she could well be treading in egg shells around him already. Don't isolate her unless she denies or refuses to accept what happened and the consequences.
Report, accept some professional enquiries will be made which may be uncomfortable but will have your sons best interests at heart and safeguard him from this point.
You must feel dreadful but your communication with your son has allowed him to share the incident with you and you can now show him how you can protect him from this man from now on.

What I said but far more succinct!

@BubblingRage What is your plan, OP? I think we're all a little bit heartbroken for your DS and are itching to see justice served at least slightly

@Rodneyisaplonker you are wrong. The leaving a mark mantra is an absolute myth. The law is around 'reasonable chastisement' and marks or otherwise don't come into it.
If a parent dragged their 15 year old 6' son off a younger sibling in a fight and left bruises on the 15 year olds wrist as a result of protecting the other sibling they would not face prosecution.

MIL moved her new partner into her house after talking to each other for a month during the first lockdown. Everything was very quick and he seemingly arrived at her house with nothing.

Even before this happened, it's clear that your mil has "issues".

This behaviour does not speak of a well adjusted, wise, person who is reliable for hosting your child full stop. You clearly can't rely upon her judgement or decision making.

I think they - note they - are going to say your Ds is lying, exaggerating or misconstruing and this man is going nowhere..

Someone that desperate for a partner is not going to give them up easily.

Follow your gut instict.

This is terrible advice. The OP has no idea what happened but has a gut feeling, as we all have with our children. If MIL witnessed the assault (that’s what it is), she won’t admit it because she knows the implications, which is why she’s only admitting to hearing a telling off. If the child was hit and MIL witnessed it and backed up her partner, this explains why the child doesn’t want to see either of them, and his behaviour in the months prior to telling what happened, bears out that something happened to traumatise him.

This man appeared out of nowhere, moved in with MIL after a month of ‘talking’ and turned up with no belongings. That’s a huge red flag - he probably isn’t the axe murderer some are making him out to be, but something isn’t right. The family know nothing about him and MIL has taken him at face value - OP doesn’t say whether she was recently widowed or divorced prior to this, but possibly circumstances around loneliness during lockdown played a part. So at the end of the day who do you trust ? A man you know nothing about and don’t particularly like/trust, or your DC ?

And by the way - an instance of accusing the OP of pinching him when she got hold of his arm awkwardly doesn’t give him a ‘track record’ of lying. It depends on perspective. The OP had a gut feeling about this man and her DS hasn’t wanted to see his GM despite previously doting on her. The OP has witnessed for herself a degree of intolerance of her DS on the part of this man. I would err on the side of caution and get a background check on this man so they know what they’re dealing with, and then make a decision based on that. We’re talking about the wellbeing/safety of a child here. Red flags everywhere.

Would you really want to take the chance ?

What a prick. Have you googled this man's name? You'd be suprised by what Google throws up if you Google their name and towns /counties you know that they've lived in