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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband's Hot Yoga Obsession

132 replies

HeebieJeebies7 · 17/02/2023 21:06

My husband has been doing hot yoga for the last 6 years before we got married, since the pandemic which was round about the time we got married, he could not go to his hot yoga studio, so the topic never came up. Six months ago he started hot yoga again and I thought I ll give it a go , at first he was not comfortable with me going as I think because I am over weight he felt a bit embarrassed and to be fair I did too as when I went to the studio all the women were in great shape , doing all the positions easily .

I was the only one who stuck out like a sore thumb as I could not do most of it , was dying of the steam and due to feeling ashamed of my weight was fully covered unlike everyone ekse there. I eventually gave up as I have depression and thought this is only making me uncomfortable, he still wanted to go and one day due to my insecurities we had a really bad argument about him going to the hot yoga sessions. The argument was really bad and we didn't speak to each other for a few days after which he apologised and I left the matter at that, although I was hurt cause he said alot of nasty stuff to me and I swore at him a lot ( something I have never done to anyone as an adult ) which resulted in him getting so angry that he pushed me. I was shocked that he pushed me , he has apologised since and so far there has been no other incident. He need anger management classes and we are in the process of sorting that out.

Now he wants to go again and I am not happy about it , I have told him my concerns and he says " fine I won't go if you don't want me to go " and goes into a grumpy mood. I am divided , what should I say to him to resolve this?
Am I being unreasonable by taking my insecurities out on him or am I being reasonable ?

OP posts:
LordEmsworth · 17/02/2023 21:10

I don't understand. Why don't you want him to go? Because you didn't like it when you tried it? You're allowed to dislike things, he is allowed to like them.

I wouldn't be "in the process of sorting out" anger management classes after being assaulted though. I am not sure a yoga class is the actual problem here.

OhBeAFineGuyKissMe · 17/02/2023 21:12

You are controlling what your husband can do as a hobby. Which he enjoyed before he met you.

Unless there was a massive drip feed and he has a wandering eye, he is entitled to do exercise he enjoys. Your insecurities are your problem.

Shoxfordian · 17/02/2023 21:14

Hate to break it to you but there’s other women everywhere op; unless you want him to walk round in a blindfold. It does sound like he’s not been that supportive and you shouldn’t stay with someone who shoved you though

SettingPrecedents · 17/02/2023 21:15

You haven’t actually explained why you don’t want him to go. I think you need to get that clear in your head before you can work out if it’s a reasonable request.

That’s putting aside the anger management and pushing, but those seem like a much bigger issue.

InWalksBarberalla · 17/02/2023 21:16

Is hot yoga an obsession or just how your partner likes to exercise. I'd be pissed if my partner told me my pilates was an obsession and didn't want me to go because he isn't any good at it. The pushing is a different matter though.

roarfeckingroarr · 17/02/2023 21:17

Hot yoga is amazing. Why do you want to stop him going? Because you're insecure? Why not find a sport that works for you and do it while he's at yoga?

KangarooKenny · 17/02/2023 21:17

Yes, you’re being controlling and unreasonable.

AndTheSurveySays · 17/02/2023 21:18

Why don't you want him to do hot yoga?

Original poster
HeebieJeebies7 · 17/02/2023 21:20

He has anger management issues , his GP has diagnosed him, but those episodes were mostly work related and since we both work full time , I was aware it is a problem but I never faced that until six months ago he transformed into another person during the argument , in my 3 years of being married, I have never seen him like that, I do believe that he must have bottled up his issues with me , although whenever I try and ask him he says he is happy and everything is fine. Not sure what else I can do exceot for get him the help he needs , it took me a long time to forgive him , it was not easy but he has put in a lot of effort to apologise and change. On Yoga I just don't like it and I feel insecure because I have this fear that he will find someone better, with same yoga interests and move on ...... not sure I can , cause I do love him

OP posts:
MissMaple82 · 17/02/2023 21:23

You are being unreasonable. Work on yourself. Go on a diet, find some excercise you enjoy

TwoShades1 · 17/02/2023 21:24

There seems to be a lot going on here. I don’t think the hot yoga is the issue, he’s done it for ages and it’s a fairly normal hobby/fitness activity. Just because you didn’t enjoy it doesn’t mean he can’t do it. He also didn’t outright say he was embarrassed by you being there so that might just be in your own head. If he has been going for a while he probably does a class for experienced people. You probably need a beginners class where it’s likely that people won’t be very fit/flexible yet as they are just starting out. Assaulting you during an argument is completely separate to attending a class and you need to work out what you would like to do in regards to it.

EmmaEmerald · 17/02/2023 21:24

Would you object if he did regular yoga?

I am sorry, I cannot see why this would bother you.

Travelfan2021 · 17/02/2023 21:26

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

MissMaple82 · 17/02/2023 21:27

You speak alot about the help he needs, but in all honesty, I think you need alot to do alot ti change yourself too

Keroppi · 17/02/2023 21:27

Two issues - you're unhappy with your weight and are projecting your insecurity onto his hobbies. Presumably he doesn't go to yoga to ogle the women or flirt openly. You can't do the positons because you're new to yoga, you need to find a beginner friendly non hot yoga - look up on tiktok or YouTube beginner asanas/flows and do it for you, not for him
I suggest taking up a new hobby unrelated to him. What about book club or rock climbing, swimming etc, something for you that is fun and social?

Second issue is he physically assualted you and has anger issues.
Does he control your eating or put you down about your weight? I'm wondering if he is a know it all fitness prick or just your regular garden variety prick ?

6 months is not a long time to see change and you really need to work on your self esteem as it's not ok for you to think you couldn't be ok without someone who gets angry and pushes you.

Travelfan2021 · 17/02/2023 21:27

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

MargaritMargo · 17/02/2023 21:27

Its completely unreasonable to stop your husband from doing something because you are insecure.
like utterly unreasonable.

Your relationship sounds like it needs some work, and both of you need some help too. What are you doing to work on your low self esteem and insecurities?

Your husband could meet anyone at anytime, what are you going to do? Stop him going anywhere on his own?

it’s not healthy and it’s not reasonable, address your insecurity and support your husband to address his temper. Perhaps once those things are improving you should also try couples counselling

Appleskypietoday · 17/02/2023 21:27

Let him go. Choose something else you like. I personally can't think of anything worse than doing yoga while being boiled alive.

Hankunamatata · 17/02/2023 21:28

For love of goodness let him go to hot yoga classes. You only went because you wanted to keep an eye on him. Let him have his hobby and you go and find yours.
It's also bit weird you didn't do a beginner's yoga class to start with. There is no way I'd want my husband tagging along to my fitness classes

RightOnTheEdge · 17/02/2023 21:28

YABVU and unfair to stop him doing something he enjoys and did for years before you married just because you don't like it and feel insecure.
I would say you trying to control him makes it more likely he will find someone else who shares his interests.

Original poster
HeebieJeebies7 · 17/02/2023 21:29

@Travelfan2021 thank you for those words, I think I needed to read those to understand what I am feeling just now. I needed that clarity

OP posts:
MysweetAudrina · 17/02/2023 21:29

I do lots of hot yoga. There are topless fit guys in my classes. Dh has no interest in yoga. I can't imagine dh ever trying to stop me going to yoga. I attend a class every day. I love it for the mind, body breath connection.

Hankunamatata · 17/02/2023 21:30

Surely the yoga is good for helping him maintain a calm frame of mind and help with anger. Have you thought you amde things worse by encroaching on his one outlet that may help him with his anger

WineCap · 17/02/2023 21:31

If my DH said I couldn't go to my gym class then I would laugh in his face and crack on.

He was obviously very wrong to push you though.

EasterIssland · 17/02/2023 21:33

Would you feel the same if his hobby was football? My husband and I don’t have the same hobbies in fact I’ve got more than him. If he was controlling where I could go without him you would be saying he’s being abusive and manipulative.

you need to gain trust on yourself and learn to love yourself the way you’re like with your good things and bad ones. When you learn that then your insecurities will disappear cuz you’ll see how much you’re worth