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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband's Hot Yoga Obsession

132 replies

HeebieJeebies7 · 17/02/2023 21:06

My husband has been doing hot yoga for the last 6 years before we got married, since the pandemic which was round about the time we got married, he could not go to his hot yoga studio, so the topic never came up. Six months ago he started hot yoga again and I thought I ll give it a go , at first he was not comfortable with me going as I think because I am over weight he felt a bit embarrassed and to be fair I did too as when I went to the studio all the women were in great shape , doing all the positions easily .

I was the only one who stuck out like a sore thumb as I could not do most of it , was dying of the steam and due to feeling ashamed of my weight was fully covered unlike everyone ekse there. I eventually gave up as I have depression and thought this is only making me uncomfortable, he still wanted to go and one day due to my insecurities we had a really bad argument about him going to the hot yoga sessions. The argument was really bad and we didn't speak to each other for a few days after which he apologised and I left the matter at that, although I was hurt cause he said alot of nasty stuff to me and I swore at him a lot ( something I have never done to anyone as an adult ) which resulted in him getting so angry that he pushed me. I was shocked that he pushed me , he has apologised since and so far there has been no other incident. He need anger management classes and we are in the process of sorting that out.

Now he wants to go again and I am not happy about it , I have told him my concerns and he says " fine I won't go if you don't want me to go " and goes into a grumpy mood. I am divided , what should I say to him to resolve this?
Am I being unreasonable by taking my insecurities out on him or am I being reasonable ?

OP posts:
ComeTheFckOnBridget · 17/02/2023 23:15

Why the fuck are there so many replies completely ignoring the fact the op's husband assaulted her??

This is the second thread this month where physical assault seems to be excused because its believed the op was unreasonable.

This is not an excuse.

And if he was embarrassed about her going because of her weight then that makes him a sh*t too.

Op - you deserve better. Don't stay in an abusive relationship.

Goldandpurplezebra · 17/02/2023 23:16

LTB

Summerfun54321 · 17/02/2023 23:17

Hot yoga ruins lives.

Original poster
HeebieJeebies7 · 17/02/2023 23:20

@Summerfun54321 that made me laugh , people are really possessive about their hobbies, I guess I never had one so will never understand but this helps

OP posts:
Original poster
HeebieJeebies7 · 17/02/2023 23:23

@ComeTheFckOnBridget thank you for writing this , no one deserves physical abuse and I don't plan to put up with it if it happens again.

OP posts:
Bs0u416d · 17/02/2023 23:23

Oh my god. I think you need to get a grip. I swear at my DP daily. Once, in a long drive he hit me in the head with an empty water bottle in rage (because I was goading him) and also he fucking loves cycling and I don't so, I just don't cycle. I don't know what you want.

BethFromThisIsUs · 17/02/2023 23:23

Why do you resent it?? Because you’re overweight??

I’m overweight too. That’s not my husbands fault. Should I stop him going to his badminton?

Annabella91 · 17/02/2023 23:24

OP I sympyhatise with you on the insecurity part honestly it's awful feeling im still fat due to having my 3rd DD 6 weeks ago so I'd feel insecure about my partner going to I wouldn't put myself in a room full of perfect looking women that would be torture for me I'd rather stay away.

laurwalsh · 17/02/2023 23:25

If the roles were reversed I'd feel so controlled and smothered!! I love my yoga my boyfriend loves his golf and I love that he has his own hobby and interest outside me. It's healthy and it's attractive. If he started to come to yoga with me ok, but honestly I'd be bit weirded out, but the idea he didn't enjoy it and so suddenly I couldn't go is so far beyond something I could imagine. It's needy and a bit pathetic. I'm sorry I really don't want to sound mean. I'm honestly trying to tell you the truth of my opinion on this. Focus on yourself snd loosing weight if you feel you need to and find your own hobby. I'd loose my shite if my boyfriend smothered me that way. And would be so turned off him. I'm not condoning the pushing but I do understand him feeling really angry snd smothered. I hope you can get your own confidence prioritised as it sounds like that's the real issue. Peace and best wishes to you.

Bs0u416d · 17/02/2023 23:26

He pushed her. Is that assault? Would it be assault if she pushed him? God give me actual strength.

Stravaig · 17/02/2023 23:27

HeebieJeebies7 · 17/02/2023 23:20

@Summerfun54321 that made me laugh , people are really possessive about their hobbies, I guess I never had one so will never understand but this helps

Your husband's 'hobby' is an activity which is incredibly beneficial for his physical and mental health. If you had one of those, you might not be so possessive of your husband, nor be writing this thread.

Bs0u416d · 17/02/2023 23:28

Bs0u416d · 17/02/2023 23:26

He pushed her. Is that assault? Would it be assault if she pushed him? God give me actual strength.

He pushed her. Is that assault? Would it be assault if she pushed him? God give me actual strength.

Original poster
HeebieJeebies7 · 17/02/2023 23:28

@BethFromThisIsUs I resent it because he thinks he is better then me just because he can do it and I can't...... I m not stopping him, he isn't a caged animal ......side note the postures are not as hard as the 500 degrees of heat

OP posts:
IWineAndDontDine · 17/02/2023 23:29

HeebieJeebies7 · 17/02/2023 23:23

@ComeTheFckOnBridget thank you for writing this , no one deserves physical abuse and I don't plan to put up with it if it happens again.

Why are you ignoring all the posts which say you are in the wrong? You claim you aren't controlling but you are trying to control his hobbies. You dont even think its wrong. Fuck knows what else you control. He should be getting away from you too

BethFromThisIsUs · 17/02/2023 23:33

HeebieJeebies7 · 17/02/2023 23:28

@BethFromThisIsUs I resent it because he thinks he is better then me just because he can do it and I can't...... I m not stopping him, he isn't a caged animal ......side note the postures are not as hard as the 500 degrees of heat

Wow.

I’ve had —abusive— ex boyfriends like you.

Original poster
HeebieJeebies7 · 17/02/2023 23:33

@IWineAndDontDine yes I keep him locked up in a tower away from civilisation

OP posts:
Thepeopleversuswork · 17/02/2023 23:34

thatsgotit · 17/02/2023 22:34

So then, an overwhelming majority of voters are happy to overlook the husband's physical and verbal abuse of the OP because she 'sounds controlling'.

Ah Mumsnet, internalised misogyny at its finest.

You’re not wrong: the material point is that he’s verbally and physically abusive and on that basis alone I would not be with him.

But that doesn’t mean the OP isn’t also being controlling. It’s very clear that she doesn’t trust him (and she may be right not to). But it’s not on to try to control his hobbies like this, even if it’s basically an excuse to ogle women.

The solution to being with a bloke like this isn’t to spy on him and curtail his activities it’s to leave him.

It sounds like OP struggles with low self esteem and needs to work on this alone but the husband appears to quite enjoy this and be using it to create a sense of superiority. I think you should separate and do a lot of work finding out why you feel so insecure about yourself.

Dotcheck · 17/02/2023 23:37

at first he was not comfortable with me going as I think because I am over weight he felt a bit embarrassed and to be fair I did too

He is embarrassed because of your weight?
How did everyone skip past that and decide that OP is controlling?
The whole thing seems a mess

BethFromThisIsUs · 17/02/2023 23:39

Because he didn’t say that. The OP perceived that. It might be entirely in her own head. I’m guilty of that too.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 17/02/2023 23:46

He thinks he is better than you? Does he say this or do you think this?

Given that he pushed you when you swore at him, and that you resent his hobby maybe you should be looking at separating. It sounds like an unhealthy, pointless relationship

JimHensonWasAGenius · 17/02/2023 23:51

Split up now OP and save yourself years of wasted time and energy.

Your marriage sounds neither healthy or happy, nor do you sound compatible.

Resentment has no place in a good relationship.

ConfusedNT · 17/02/2023 23:51

Honestly it sounds like both of you would be better out of that relationship

You are controlling his hobbies because of your own insecurities

He has anger issues and pushed you

Neither of you seem to be bringing out the best in each other and this feels like a relationship that is going to implode

And ultimately its dangerous to stay with a man who is willing to physically assault you

Regardless of what you did and he did when it gets to the stage of physical assaults it's past the point of being worth trying to fix

Annabella91 · 17/02/2023 23:52

Nasty much!

ConfusedNT · 17/02/2023 23:54

Dotcheck · 17/02/2023 23:37

at first he was not comfortable with me going as I think because I am over weight he felt a bit embarrassed and to be fair I did too

He is embarrassed because of your weight?
How did everyone skip past that and decide that OP is controlling?
The whole thing seems a mess

Because that's her assumption. It's equally possible that her partner knew about her insecurities and was actually not comfortable with her going because he knew how she was likely to react.

And not letting your partner go to an exercise class because there are skinny women there is very controlling although that is overshadowed by the physical response he had to an argument.

But yes this whole relationship is a mess

Original poster
HeebieJeebies7 · 17/02/2023 23:59

@JimHensonWasAGenius and @ConfusedNT and @Dotcheck , yes our relationship is messy but we have both agreed to work on our short comings

I support all his other hobbies gym, basket ball , gaming , music club and cycling , all of these I am not a part of ...... I just didn't like this one .......

OP posts: