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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husband's Hot Yoga Obsession

132 replies

HeebieJeebies7 · 17/02/2023 21:06

My husband has been doing hot yoga for the last 6 years before we got married, since the pandemic which was round about the time we got married, he could not go to his hot yoga studio, so the topic never came up. Six months ago he started hot yoga again and I thought I ll give it a go , at first he was not comfortable with me going as I think because I am over weight he felt a bit embarrassed and to be fair I did too as when I went to the studio all the women were in great shape , doing all the positions easily .

I was the only one who stuck out like a sore thumb as I could not do most of it , was dying of the steam and due to feeling ashamed of my weight was fully covered unlike everyone ekse there. I eventually gave up as I have depression and thought this is only making me uncomfortable, he still wanted to go and one day due to my insecurities we had a really bad argument about him going to the hot yoga sessions. The argument was really bad and we didn't speak to each other for a few days after which he apologised and I left the matter at that, although I was hurt cause he said alot of nasty stuff to me and I swore at him a lot ( something I have never done to anyone as an adult ) which resulted in him getting so angry that he pushed me. I was shocked that he pushed me , he has apologised since and so far there has been no other incident. He need anger management classes and we are in the process of sorting that out.

Now he wants to go again and I am not happy about it , I have told him my concerns and he says " fine I won't go if you don't want me to go " and goes into a grumpy mood. I am divided , what should I say to him to resolve this?
Am I being unreasonable by taking my insecurities out on him or am I being reasonable ?

OP posts:
Annabella91 · 18/02/2023 00:03

He shouldn't be married to her if he prefers skinny women makes no sense to go for someone your aren't attracted to

ConfusedNT · 18/02/2023 00:13

HeebieJeebies7 · 17/02/2023 23:59

@JimHensonWasAGenius and @ConfusedNT and @Dotcheck , yes our relationship is messy but we have both agreed to work on our short comings

I support all his other hobbies gym, basket ball , gaming , music club and cycling , all of these I am not a part of ...... I just didn't like this one .......

Physical abuse isn't a shortcoming it's a crime

And controlling your partner because skinny women do the same hobby as him is just wrong

I admit despite my distaste for men who resort to violence I do feel a tiny tiny bit of sympathy for him. I've spent so much of my life with my mother trying to control what I could and couldn't do because of her own insecurities and anxieties. It's so limiting and suffocating and I hate that kind of behaviour. So whilst I have no sympathy for him resorting to violence, he should have walked away, I think you need to sort your own issues out too instead of projecting them onto partners

Honestly you would both benefit from being single and working on yourselves before being in a relationship this messy

RiverSkater · 18/02/2023 00:28

He's not obsessed, he's doing an a activity he enjoys.

Did he say he is embarrassed by your weight?

twitterexile · 18/02/2023 00:32

You are very controlling OP - you need to sort out your own insecurities.

He pushed you. That would be enough for me to leave without looking back.

ChChChChangeName · 18/02/2023 00:35

He shouldn’t have pushed you. I’d be rethinking the relationship.

You shouldn’t try to control him and blaming it on your insecurities. I’d spend sometime working on this before you start another relationship.

cassiatwenty · 18/02/2023 00:35

I went against the grain and voted YANBU. There is something off here with him. If it wasn't a big deal, why would he push you?

cassiatwenty · 18/02/2023 00:38

Summerfun54321 · 17/02/2023 23:17

Hot yoga ruins lives.

😂 I really disliked trying it. Felt worse after rather than before

Imogensmumma · 18/02/2023 00:44

HeebieJeebies7 · 17/02/2023 23:28

@BethFromThisIsUs I resent it because he thinks he is better then me just because he can do it and I can't...... I m not stopping him, he isn't a caged animal ......side note the postures are not as hard as the 500 degrees of heat

The pushing was incredibly wrong and you know that

How has he belittled you about doing the poses or HY as this is a massive drip feed?

To be honest I don’t believe he does hold it over you that he can do it and you can’t …. Your relationship is very toxic and I don’t think you are compatible. Do you do much activities together?

LoekMa · 18/02/2023 00:55

Lose weight then go with him. Wheres the issuw

LadyOfTheFliessssss · 18/02/2023 00:56

Please don't think that you can't do yoga. Any decent yoga teacher will tell you the only person you're in competition with is yourself. I can do some hard yoga poses - and plenty of people can do even harder ones than me. That doesn't take anything away from what I've achieved, and what I can do isn't relevant for you. You're probably working even harder than I am and I admire that.

That said, you need to get rid. The yoga is a red herring. He's abusive.

snowqu33n · 18/02/2023 01:28

It sounds a bit like you are both working full time but you are the one taking care of the house while he enjoys multiple hobbies.
He’s especially into doing yoga in minimal clothes with lots of other women and he’s quite ruthless in putting you down.

Why are YOU organizing HIS anger management treatment??

To me, it sounds from your posts like your self esteem is on the floor and he doesn’t take care of you, while you focus on doing things for him.

You sound like you’re accepting responsibility for all of the relationship but it takes both people to make it work. Is he putting effort into his relationship with you? Making sure you have time to do things as a couple or that you are able to do activities you enjoy?

It seems like an unhealthy dynamic even without him shoving you.

Definitely stick with your counseling and think about taking some time away from him.

Spend time with people who treat you well.

cassiatwenty · 18/02/2023 01:30

snowqu33n · 18/02/2023 01:28

It sounds a bit like you are both working full time but you are the one taking care of the house while he enjoys multiple hobbies.
He’s especially into doing yoga in minimal clothes with lots of other women and he’s quite ruthless in putting you down.

Why are YOU organizing HIS anger management treatment??

To me, it sounds from your posts like your self esteem is on the floor and he doesn’t take care of you, while you focus on doing things for him.

You sound like you’re accepting responsibility for all of the relationship but it takes both people to make it work. Is he putting effort into his relationship with you? Making sure you have time to do things as a couple or that you are able to do activities you enjoy?

It seems like an unhealthy dynamic even without him shoving you.

Definitely stick with your counseling and think about taking some time away from him.

Spend time with people who treat you well.

This!!!!! 💞

ConcordeOoter · 18/02/2023 02:25

I hate to say it, but since you knew he already liked hot yoga and are now making it a source of massive sweary arguments because you assume he is treacherous... you're being controlling and abusive.

Seems like you also knew that he had anger management issues before being controlling and abusive and starting big sweary arguments. You should stop it, it is very dangerous for everyone involved.

He has no right to assault you. You have no right to do what you are doing either.

JudgeRudy · 18/02/2023 02:46

YABU to dump this on him. Treat him like an independent adult not a possession. Make a plan to address you're own health, physical and mental......or keep this up and drive him away

snowqu33n · 18/02/2023 02:47

@ConcordeOoter the only one responsible for managing the OP’s husband’s anger is himself.

He had already stopped doing hot yoga when they got married and he took it up again six months ago.

The OP went along to see what all the fuss was about and found that he was doing yoga poses with a bunch of half naked women.
Wonder why that might bother her if he is insisting on making that particular activity a major priority 🤔
The only reason I know anything about hot yoga is because a friend told me she once did a class in her swimsuit etc.
Some yoga organizations could be a bit sus, IMO. There have been prosecutions over sexual harassment by yogis.

OP’s already said her H has plenty of other interests that don’t bother her.

Eyerollcentral · 18/02/2023 03:50

Hot yoga is amazing if you get in to it and it can give you a real high, I can see why he is so keen to continue. The pushing is inexcusable. I am wondering what the issues from the past were that he brought up during your row though OP, have there been previous instances of you not liking an activity? Are you prone to jealousy? I know you are depressed and I know what a battle that can make everything become, however you saying you can accept that he will be continuing with his long running interest in hot yoga but CHOOSING to resent it is a really odd thing to say. It comes across as very passive aggressive which is corrosive to relationships. It sounds like all his other interests are more male centred and that you don’t have much going on outside the home, work and him. You need to focus on enriching your own life.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 18/02/2023 08:21

I'm trying to work out why you have to be so "supportive" of his hobbies? You can just accept he goes but not make him going something you have to juggle life in order to facilitate, that's HIS job!

Although it does sound like he has a lot of hobbies. Does he spend anytime at home with you?

determinedtomakethiswork · 18/02/2023 09:16

My daughter loves yoga and sessions are often spoiled by a lecherous man. I wonder if she lives in your area.

LuckySantangelo35 · 18/02/2023 10:24

HeebieJeebies7 · 17/02/2023 21:20

He has anger management issues , his GP has diagnosed him, but those episodes were mostly work related and since we both work full time , I was aware it is a problem but I never faced that until six months ago he transformed into another person during the argument , in my 3 years of being married, I have never seen him like that, I do believe that he must have bottled up his issues with me , although whenever I try and ask him he says he is happy and everything is fine. Not sure what else I can do exceot for get him the help he needs , it took me a long time to forgive him , it was not easy but he has put in a lot of effort to apologise and change. On Yoga I just don't like it and I feel insecure because I have this fear that he will find someone better, with same yoga interests and move on ...... not sure I can , cause I do love him

@HeebieJeebies7

his gp will not have ‘diagnosed’ him

you can’t diagnosis ‘anger management issues’

’anger management issues’ is not a diagnosis

LuckySantangelo35 · 18/02/2023 10:26

When you say you don’t like him going and resent him going… why? What is your issue with it exactly?

LuckySantangelo35 · 18/02/2023 10:26

@HeebieJeebies7
When you say you don’t like him going and resent him going… why? What is your issue with it exactly?

IWineAndDontDine · 18/02/2023 10:40

HeebieJeebies7 · 17/02/2023 23:33

@IWineAndDontDine yes I keep him locked up in a tower away from civilisation

Yes because you don't physically lock him up that means your behaviour is acceptable 🙄 what's with everyone thinking these toxic traits are healthy. Get some therapy before inflicting your insecurities on others

Devoutspoken · 18/02/2023 10:43

I'd encourage any form of exercise for any member of my family, the pushing is way out of order though

Springintoabetterlife · 18/02/2023 10:46

HeebieJeebies7 · 17/02/2023 23:05

I never swear , I am not controlling or violent person , the argument started over him going to his yoga class , it was respectful at that point until he decided to make personal attacks on me and bringing up topics from the past to embarrass me further. I called him an Ass and told him to f off , he at first could not believe I said that to him , as I m never disrespectful and once it registered he pushed me as a result. I don't abuse him on a regular basis , I don't hurt him with words , I don't make him work for my affections , I don't ask for expensive gifts or grand gestures , I only ask him to love and respect me and be mindful of things that make me uncomfortable

But you are controlling. You are trying to stop him doing a perfectly reasonable hobby because of the way you feel.

ItchyBillco · 18/02/2023 11:43

I don’t really understand why you have a problem with the yoga, but there’s no excuse for him being rude to you, calling you names and pushing you is awful. Physical abuse.