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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband's Hot Yoga Obsession

132 replies

HeebieJeebies7 · 17/02/2023 21:06

My husband has been doing hot yoga for the last 6 years before we got married, since the pandemic which was round about the time we got married, he could not go to his hot yoga studio, so the topic never came up. Six months ago he started hot yoga again and I thought I ll give it a go , at first he was not comfortable with me going as I think because I am over weight he felt a bit embarrassed and to be fair I did too as when I went to the studio all the women were in great shape , doing all the positions easily .

I was the only one who stuck out like a sore thumb as I could not do most of it , was dying of the steam and due to feeling ashamed of my weight was fully covered unlike everyone ekse there. I eventually gave up as I have depression and thought this is only making me uncomfortable, he still wanted to go and one day due to my insecurities we had a really bad argument about him going to the hot yoga sessions. The argument was really bad and we didn't speak to each other for a few days after which he apologised and I left the matter at that, although I was hurt cause he said alot of nasty stuff to me and I swore at him a lot ( something I have never done to anyone as an adult ) which resulted in him getting so angry that he pushed me. I was shocked that he pushed me , he has apologised since and so far there has been no other incident. He need anger management classes and we are in the process of sorting that out.

Now he wants to go again and I am not happy about it , I have told him my concerns and he says " fine I won't go if you don't want me to go " and goes into a grumpy mood. I am divided , what should I say to him to resolve this?
Am I being unreasonable by taking my insecurities out on him or am I being reasonable ?

OP posts:
Original poster
HeebieJeebies7 · 17/02/2023 21:38

I am a bit of an emotional mess and have started counselling sessions to work on my self esteem and depression , only had two sessions so cannot say I feel like a new person yet. I m taking all this on board so I can be a supportive wife so please be mindful of that ..... I m not a controlling person by nature and this seemed odd to me hence I addressed it here and want to learn from my mistakes

OP posts:
Original poster
HeebieJeebies7 · 17/02/2023 21:39

@EasterIssland thank you for those kind words

OP posts:
pilates · 17/02/2023 21:40

Good I’m glad you realise YABU
Hoping the therapy works for you

Shoxfordian · 17/02/2023 21:44

He’ll be more violent next time op- it just escalates

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 17/02/2023 21:46

You need help yourself. Stop controlling him and his hobbies. I would hate it if my partner stopped me from doing what I wanted to do. He is not a child ffs.

MrsMorrisey · 17/02/2023 21:47

If he's got anger issues then the yoga will be good for him.
Let him go and do something on his own.
If my husband wanted to come and do something with me that I prefer to do alone I'd be bothered too.

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/02/2023 21:47

Hot yoga is amazing. I went for a while when dd was little. I wish I were well enough to do it now.

If your dh wants to do it daily, that’s too much but a couple of times a week or whatever, that’s fine. As has been said, if he intends to stray, he will do so regardless of trying to prevent him from going. If anything, he will be worse if you try to control him.

The pushing and anger is completely separate. I hope this was a one off. Was his anger more in check when he went to yoga?

declutteringmymind · 17/02/2023 21:51

Let me rationalise it for you: he went to yoga waaaaaay before you got married. If he was going to find someone there, or like that he would have by now.

Also I reckon it's helping him manage his anger issues, therefore telling him that he can't go might set him back.

The old status quo seemed to be working so maybe go back to that to begin with and both start irking things out.

tryandcountsheep · 17/02/2023 21:53

Shoxfordian · 17/02/2023 21:44

He’ll be more violent next time op- it just escalates

This.

I read your post OP and the huge red flag was

I swore at him a lot ( something I have never done to anyone as an adult ) which resulted in him getting so angry that he pushed me. I was shocked that he pushed me ,

Sorry OP, no woman should be with a man they are worried about upsetting with words that they react with physical voilence. Yes, its not a slap, or punch, but for me, that's line that no husband can ever cross.

You should think about living apart for a while until he was in counselling for the anger management, and I'm talking months and months here. Use that time to work on your self worth.

Countingdowntodecember · 17/02/2023 21:54

I don’t think you’re relationship sounds healthy for either of you.

You controlling his hobbies because of your insecurities and swearing at him is definitely a red flag.

Him pushing you is a huge red flag too. As are his anger issues.

I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but it might be best if you split up whilst you both get therapy for your issues. A toxic relationship won’t help either of you get to a better place mentally Flowers

Cocobutt · 17/02/2023 21:57

This relationship is a toxic mess!

You cannot stop him from going to a yoga class ffs!
He’s not your child and you don’t get to control him.

If your insecurities are so bad that you cannot cope with him going to a yoga class then you need to end the relationship.

DixonD · 17/02/2023 21:58

Enjoying a hobby is not being “obsessed” with it. You’re the one who is being obsessed with him going. Let him go.

ElonsMusky · 17/02/2023 22:01

Is this serious or a joke? You want to take something away from your husband that he loves and keeps him healthy and grounded because you're insecure about your weight? Your weight is under your control. Maybe yoga isn't for you, but there are plenty of dietary lifestyle options and exercise programs to choose from. Just because you choose to be lazy doesn't mean you get to guilt your husband into giving up exercise that he likes.

Don't get me wrong....I'm overweight myself. But I know why (I eat more calories than I burn) and I'm working on it. But yeah, you're being not just unreasonable, but wildly so.

MeridianB · 17/02/2023 22:02

I don’t think the yoga is the problem. It’s the verbal abuse, pushing, and him being embarrassed about your weight. 🙁

momtoboys · 17/02/2023 22:06

Do you want our opinions as to whether or not you are unreasonable for not wanting him to go to hot yoga (you are) or about the fact that you argued and he pushed you. Two completely different things

BabyOnBoard90 · 17/02/2023 22:12

YABU. Lose weight and build your confidence ; address your insecurities.

Original poster
HeebieJeebies7 · 17/02/2023 22:13

@momtoboys after being pushed over this yoga business shall I support his yoga ..... the act of pushing and my insecurities in another can on worms which I don't have the mental capacity to dissect at the moment .

OP posts:
PatchworkElmer · 17/02/2023 22:13

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
HeebieJeebies7 · 17/02/2023 22:14

I am trying to lose weight but somehow after being diagnosed with PCOS , it is twice as hard to lose weight

OP posts:
Thepossibility · 17/02/2023 22:15

The fight was wasn't great but wtf... HE can't go to hot yoga because YOU feel self conscious about your body? That's ridiculously unfair and controlling.
If you don't like the way you are then change yourself.

NaatQ968 · 17/02/2023 22:16

I don't think it's very fair of you to keep him from doing something he enjoys jus because you are worried he's gonna ride into the sunset with someone else from the class.

speakit · 17/02/2023 22:24

Firstly, it's not an obsession. It's his hobby that you have waded in on. It probably makes him feel good and de-stresses him. Imagine somebody trying to stop you from doing something you enjoyed, how would you feel?!

I suggest you find a really good P.T to help you build up your self-esteem around exercise and healthy eating/living. You and your husband can do more things that you both enjoy together as a result and you won't feel so insecure if you decide to give hot yoga a go again.

Pinkfluff76 · 17/02/2023 22:24

To lose weight withPCOS you need to do keto / low carb high fat. No other way. Look at Diet Doctor. And join Keto and Low carb for life UK Community on FB.

deydododatdodontdeydo · 17/02/2023 22:32

This kind of jealous and controlling behaviour is what pushes partners away. Then when they do go off with someone off the controller feels vindicated for mistrusting them.
I've seen it happen a dozen times.

thatsgotit · 17/02/2023 22:34

So then, an overwhelming majority of voters are happy to overlook the husband's physical and verbal abuse of the OP because she 'sounds controlling'.

Ah Mumsnet, internalised misogyny at its finest.