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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband's Hot Yoga Obsession

132 replies

HeebieJeebies7 · 17/02/2023 21:06

My husband has been doing hot yoga for the last 6 years before we got married, since the pandemic which was round about the time we got married, he could not go to his hot yoga studio, so the topic never came up. Six months ago he started hot yoga again and I thought I ll give it a go , at first he was not comfortable with me going as I think because I am over weight he felt a bit embarrassed and to be fair I did too as when I went to the studio all the women were in great shape , doing all the positions easily .

I was the only one who stuck out like a sore thumb as I could not do most of it , was dying of the steam and due to feeling ashamed of my weight was fully covered unlike everyone ekse there. I eventually gave up as I have depression and thought this is only making me uncomfortable, he still wanted to go and one day due to my insecurities we had a really bad argument about him going to the hot yoga sessions. The argument was really bad and we didn't speak to each other for a few days after which he apologised and I left the matter at that, although I was hurt cause he said alot of nasty stuff to me and I swore at him a lot ( something I have never done to anyone as an adult ) which resulted in him getting so angry that he pushed me. I was shocked that he pushed me , he has apologised since and so far there has been no other incident. He need anger management classes and we are in the process of sorting that out.

Now he wants to go again and I am not happy about it , I have told him my concerns and he says " fine I won't go if you don't want me to go " and goes into a grumpy mood. I am divided , what should I say to him to resolve this?
Am I being unreasonable by taking my insecurities out on him or am I being reasonable ?

OP posts:
confessionstoday · 17/02/2023 22:37

He probably wasn't keen on you going because it's his thing.
If my partner decided he was coming along to my activities I'd be a bit miffed. It's my time, my friends and my thing. You don't need to get involved. Find something else to do.

He absolutely shouldn't have pushed you tho

user1496262496 · 17/02/2023 22:42

You are right OP… first of all Hot Yoga classes… then passive aggressive breathing exercises… then he drives off in to the sunset in a polyamorous camper van. It is a slippery slope.

BethFromThisIsUs · 17/02/2023 22:42

I didn’t know many men were into hot yoga.

…ick

cathcath2 · 17/02/2023 22:42

You are being unreasonable about the yoga. He does need to work on his anger.

BethFromThisIsUs · 17/02/2023 22:44

This is one of those threads where I’d really like to hear the other side of the story, to be honest.

Singularity82 · 17/02/2023 22:46

thatsgotit · 17/02/2023 22:34

So then, an overwhelming majority of voters are happy to overlook the husband's physical and verbal abuse of the OP because she 'sounds controlling'.

Ah Mumsnet, internalised misogyny at its finest.

But she’s trying to tell him he can no longer go to his hobby? If a man told a woman she couldn’t go to yoga anymore as there were other men there, he would be labelled an abuser. OP also shouted lots of swear words at him.
im not condoning the shove at all, but this relationship sounds toxic on both sides. Op has serious issues and needs to work on them.

Freddiefox · 17/02/2023 22:46

I think you both need to separate.

he shouldn’t be pushing you. And you soon d emotionally abusive and controlling. Sounds toxic all round.

RemoteControlDoobry · 17/02/2023 22:48

You’re being unreasonable to think that anger issues need to be diagnosed by a GP Confused

RemoteControlDoobry · 17/02/2023 22:50

BethFromThisIsUs · 17/02/2023 22:42

I didn’t know many men were into hot yoga.

…ick

Yoga was traditionally done only by men. Although hot yoga is just a fad run by some narcissist who I can’t remember the name of. Oh Bikram I guess.

Senseofsomething · 17/02/2023 22:51

YABU. Hot yoga is a great way to stay healthy. And why would you not want your partner to do that?

Obviously you shouldn’t go too if you hate it but should find your own way to keep your body feeling good. Something will suit you like hot yoga suits your partner.

Shitfather · 17/02/2023 22:51

As a hot yoga devotee, I can say it’s addictive. There are quite a few people at my studio who go day in day out. It has many physical and mental health benefits. I’ve had a really rough couple of years and HY is the best thing I did for myself. My studio is full of women (and men) of all shapes, sizes, and abilities - not everyone is lithe and physically amazing. That’s the beauty of it - nobody is judging anyone and everyone is so focused on their own practice. It isn’t easy to hit on anyone. I haven’t experienced being approached by a man (not a stealth boast, but I’m quite advanced in my practice and am in good shape). Most people get ready and leave straight after a class. I’ve made fabulous friends there, but not a single romantic encounter. It would feel too weird and uncomfortable, especially since most women are physically quite exposed in their leggings and bra top.

The issue isn’t yoga, it’s your insecurities and the toxic relationship.

Amadeaa · 17/02/2023 22:52

This doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship. He shouldn’t push you in an argument, and you shouldn’t tell him not to go to his yoga class. If roles were reversed and a man would not allow a woman to go to her yoga class because she might see other men there, all hell would break loose here (and rightly so). I do a sport where lots of men are, my partner goes to the gym, neither of us tags along with the other person and we don’t have an issue with each of us doing our own hobbies.

ReneBumsWombats · 17/02/2023 22:53

Is your weight making you insecure about all the fit women at hot yoga? Is that what this is about?

You can't handle him going to yoga and he can't control his anger and not push you. I don't this is a good relationship.

joan12 · 17/02/2023 22:58

Yoga is an excellent way of learning to manage strong feelings, step aside from them.

YAB completely unreasonable and controlling.

Soapyspuds · 17/02/2023 23:00

It is not his fault that you feel insecure. I can totally understand him resenting you for not wanting him to do his hobby.

HeckyPeck · 17/02/2023 23:01

thatsgotit · 17/02/2023 22:34

So then, an overwhelming majority of voters are happy to overlook the husband's physical and verbal abuse of the OP because she 'sounds controlling'.

Ah Mumsnet, internalised misogyny at its finest.

I completely agree.

What message is this sending. That OP deserved to be pushed?

You didn't deserve that OP.

BungleandGeorge · 17/02/2023 23:03

How often does he want to go? I think ultimately if someone is open to having an affair they’ll find it whether it be a yoga class, book club or at work!

Original poster
HeebieJeebies7 · 17/02/2023 23:05

I never swear , I am not controlling or violent person , the argument started over him going to his yoga class , it was respectful at that point until he decided to make personal attacks on me and bringing up topics from the past to embarrass me further. I called him an Ass and told him to f off , he at first could not believe I said that to him , as I m never disrespectful and once it registered he pushed me as a result. I don't abuse him on a regular basis , I don't hurt him with words , I don't make him work for my affections , I don't ask for expensive gifts or grand gestures , I only ask him to love and respect me and be mindful of things that make me uncomfortable

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 17/02/2023 23:06

I wonder how supportive he is of your dealing with PCOS......

And I mean actually, really supportive, not just mumbling something nice and then carrying on as normal.

flabbygoldfish · 17/02/2023 23:07

sounds like you are insecure. if the hot yoga class was predominantly male rather than female would you have an issue with it?

I do a sport which is predominantly male and I would fight tooth & nail if a partner tried to stop me because of that. Either they trust me or they don’t.

but he needs to control his anger, he should not have pushed you.

Stravaig · 17/02/2023 23:08

It's good that your husband is taking steps to deal with his anger more constructively. However you need to stop making him and his yoga class the problem.

YOU have anger issues too, if you pick a fight and swear at him just because he likes something and you don't. It's not his fault that you are unfit and overweight and insecure, that is for you to tackle. Work with your therapist on your self-esteem and controlling behaviour, consult your GP about your weight and NHS weight loss support, and find a fitness activity that you love to do by yourself or with friends.

Stop trying to make his life smaller just to make yourself more comfortable. That is not love. Take responsibility for your own issues, let him work on his, and then see where your marriage is in a few months. If you continue to be unhappy with him, or if he is abusive to you in any way, then leave. What you describe at the moment does not sound healthy for either of you.

AllWorkYoPlait · 17/02/2023 23:10

I don't expect my husband to police which fitness classes I attend. I'd prefer it if he didn't join me anyway and certainly wouldn't drop out because he couldn't attend for whatever reason. I run and my husband doesn't. I can't imagine him coming up with any valid reason for me to stop, unless it concerned my health.

Should my husband stop swimming because I can't? Stop cycling because I don't fancy it? How odd Confused

The anger is a separate issue but I don't think I'd react too kindly if I received a barrage swearing and abuse for going to a yoga class.

Are you sure you two are compatible?

Goldandpurplezebra · 17/02/2023 23:11

You are both unreasonable.

He shouldn't have pushed you.

You shouldn't be trying to control what he does.

End it. It's not good for either of you.

Original poster
HeebieJeebies7 · 17/02/2023 23:12

He is not supporting me with my health conditions , I look after myself the house and his health both mental and physical, that's why when he after six months he raised the topic I neither agreed nor disagreed, I came here to get an idea of what to do and now I ll support his yoga. Like everyone is saying he is an adult so yes I can't really stop him l, but I can choose to resent it and I do

OP posts:
Singularity82 · 17/02/2023 23:13

@HeebieJeebies7 you’re last two posts are a bit of a drip feed to be honest, and paint a different picture of your relationship. Nevertheless; I still think you both have issues you need to work on, and that you’d be better doing this apart.