To ask if there are others who are ’leave behind’ people?

[IsThereAnEchoInHere]

So, at this point most people I know are coupled up, about to be or already married, many have kids etc, the ’life plan’ and all that…

And that’s cool, it’s not that.

It’s just that it’s getting clear that my stuff doesn’t matter at all anymore, often ignored and just made to feel less than.
Hope that makes sense.

Quite a lot of these people have turned out to be pretty selfish (yes, I realize the irony with my post) and really have turned into kind of different people from who they were.
They used to be open-minded and excepting of all kinds of people/lifestyles and some have turned into quite conventional and judgy.
Keeping score who’s in relationships, complaining about people who don’t have kids, married people are real adults, stupid meaningless things like this.

And the only time anyone makes first contact (I still try - usually they are busy, are okey to meet after months, turn all conversations into themselves) seems to be when they have something going wrong in their lives and need a vent or help, or wants me to come carrying gifts for their kids or just talk at me about themselves.

What the hell happened?
Is this life as an adult, or did I just have crap luck or something?

Almost everyone talks at me and it's exhausting. I see people like this once a year max. It's a cliché but you (and I) need new pals.

Why do they complain about people who don't have kids? What do they say? I'm interested.
I kind of know what you mean. I do feel like I get treated differently by people with kids as I'm not in the "mums club" so to speak. And noone really bothers with me unless they want something. I've stopped bothering with them though. Good luck to them🤷‍♀️

I think you have rubbish friends if they're like that.

They actually complain about people not having children? That's definitely strange! I suppose it depends what you mean about being 'judgy'about different lifestyles, before I got older and tireder and caught up in work and kids absolutely I would be happy to go out out at last minute notice after work, hop on a train at 9pm to go to a gig or bar then a club, these days am exhausted after work and would hate that! I've lost friendships because of this and know I was being 'judged' for being boring!

I feel like this.
Not a mum, no kids, not a high flying career woman.
I get used when things are rough in peoples lives and then they disappear. I never seem to learn 😔

I don't know, I ditched a friend like that many years ago and she was chronically single and used to talk at me about the latest guy she met in a club and whether they had text her yet or not and what it means when they only put one kiss at the end when she sends them two and blah blah blah. She hadn't the first clue what was going on in my life.
Also, I have a husband, three sons, a step child, an MPV, a degree, a mortgage on a house with a conservatory no less, and a S&S ISA and I still don't feel like a real adult 😁

Ah, okey.
So comments have been for example about the news how there is / going to be more childfree people, and how that is selfish, that people only care about themselves.
This was at one of my cousin’s kids birthday party, so a lot of relatives piled on this and agreed.

There is a lot of pressure in our family, for women, to be married and have kids.
And they are clearly treated better than those who are single and/or childfree, strong pecking order.

Comments all around basically saying no one else’s life is harder or can’t be as tired as parents.
And everything seems to always circle back on how they are parents and life is only difficult for them.

Few friends who swore they’d ’never be like the miserable parents we always saw’, has kind of turned into them.

Please note that is only about their behaviour, not about kids/partners, I hope I don’t get misunderstood.

And noone really bothers with me unless they want something

This is me too.
I thought it could me more of a me problem, I’m very quiet and keep to myself, so it easily turn into this where people just come and take, take, take.

This is me also.

It feels like you always have to have something to compensate.

No kids! - amazing career and lots of money then. Or traveling around the world.

No husband! - Wild night outs and crazy stories to share at least.

I’m none of those things, never were, never will.

I moved 5 years ago. I left behind all those who only ever wanted me for advice or to tell me how crap their lives are.

They sound awful.
I had kids a bit later in life and this happened with some of my friends when I was single and childless. They made me feel like my time didn't matter, and was left with this uncomfortable residual feeling that I had to compensate for this "lack" whenever I spent time around them. The heterosexual life-events escalator seems to have this effect on certain people and it is not at all pleasant to be around if you are single or don't have kids. Not only is it insulting but the sheer BANALITY of it....
To repeat the cliche: find new friends!

I’m very blessed in life that I have several true solid friends, split across a few categories so to speak (friends from childhood/secondary school are one group, uni friends, my cousins, a couple I see individually who I used to work with)

I totally get that in life I am also at a point where people are marrying, starting families, settling, and am cool with it. It hasn’t happened for me yet in some ways (I’m single and childless in early 30s) but I’ll make my way.

One of these groups of friends, the biggest, I am now one of only 2 without children. That is now the hardest group for me to be around. Most of the group it’s absolutely fine, bar the fact that the conversation when we meet is always 99% about child birth or child life. A couple of them are quite…..you know what I don’t even know the words. One of them, when child birth comes up yet again, give me pitying looks and has stroked my arm a few times making that kind of patronising “oooh” noise. Same one, at a gathering, when they were discussing having more or when to stop, turned to me and other childless and said “Oh the day will come when we can laugh at you for being tired and getting up early and missing the baby stage”. I got cross, for once stood up for myself, and loudly declared that not once had a laughed at them, I had babysat for free for all of them several times, cared deeply for their children and could she please say when I had laughed? She went red and kind of mumbled “oh you know what I mean”. Fellow friend cried in the car home saying she and her partner had been trying to conceive for 18 months. They still haven’t been successful 8 months later.

Friend in this group invited all friends except as childless two to a gender reveal party, and it really was a proper party. She said after, as we didn’t have children she didn’t see why we would be bothered or interested. Same friend seemed shocked when I bought her DD a birthday and Christmas present from when she was born. “But you don’t have children?” Asked outright. I just find the attitudes strange.

Now with my other friends across their “groupings” so to speak, some are now parents. And yet our friendships haven’t changed in the slightest. I’m very much still a part of their lives, they don’t just come to me for relief (although they love coming out just with me and having a cup of tea at mine to get some peace but I know I’m not being used). Life has had to adjust but it’s great, I don’t feel inferior or judged. I’m known as Auntie to their children. Likewise the married ones, their husbands have become my friend too. Nothing dodgy, it’s just like the group has extended and we’ve carried on. I matter in this group.

I don’t feel like I matter as much to the other big group anymore. I often feel patronised and “behind” and I’ve had to really think through a lot of things that I have accomplished in order to stand strong and not crack and not feel lesser.

I understand fully the need to feel like you have to compensate. And sometimes there’s nothing you can throw. I get it.

Well I’m nearly 60 and never married - no children either. I have some lovely friends and interests that I enjoy regularly and probably wouldn’t have so much time for that if I had DC (and possibly even DGC by now). If the right
person had come along at the right time that might have given a different life but also wonderful but that didn’t happen and I’m OK with that. On the other hand, I feel quite sorry for some of the so-called friends on this thread who seem to have such a blinkered view of life - have to get married, have to have x number of DC, certain kind of house etc. Don’t they have any imagination? Interests? Curiosity?

Hell yes. Not sure if I left them or they left me - prefer friendships to be online really.. am getting older & like the peace & quiet!
Mind, I could never bear meeting up with other mums & babies & discussing babies.. I went out to get AWAY from that & discuss anything bloody BUT.

Some people - by no means all - need to reinforce their own life choices by denigrating those of others.

These insecure and unimaginative people are dicks and should be a) pulled up (if they are only dicks about this and you’d like the friendship to continue - I have done this and it worked) or b) ignored.

"Some people - by no means all - need to reinforce their own life choices by denigrating those of others"

This goes both ways, from the responses on this thread!

I feel like this too OP. When I meet up with some of my friends it can seem a bit like I’ve got nothing worthwhile going on in my life while they are all busy doing the “important” stuff like buying houses/marriage/kids. I haven’t had anyone make explicit comments but the focus does tend to move towards these topics and away from other things which is sometimes a bit dull if you’re not invested in the same way.

But then I remember I am doing lots of things I enjoy, simple stuff like my hobbies, seeing family/friends, learning. No one has the right to tell me or imply that those things don’t matter - that’s not a judgement call they get to make about my life :-) only I get to do that!

Well of course - that’s why I referred to ‘some people’ and not ‘some parents / married couples’ etc.

With all due respect, why dont you want to travel, or train for an exciting career, take up an interesting hobby or learn a new language? Pre-child I did all these things as I had so much time and only myself to look after. One of the great things about being single and child free is time and freedom.

Full disclaimer, lots of my child free friends are just sort of plodding along and I can't help but think what a waste of your own time and youth.

How about not judging other people’s lives by your standards? Wish more people would take up that as a hobby!

Thanks for you concern @Hubblebubble but I happen to like my quiet little life.
I don’t see it as ’plodding along’. I hope you didn’t mean to be rude.

@Biscuitlover456
I’m not sure if your comment was aimed at me or someone in the comments.

@IsThereAnEchoInHere one day, if we're lucky enough, we'll all be far too old and immobile to go on adventures. If you're currently untethered by the responsibility of pets, children, consideration for a romantic partner, why not go on an adventure? Fill your life to the brim.

@IsThereAnEchoInHere Sorry, that was for @Hubblebubble and the “plodding along” comment. I’m happily plodding along too and find it mighty irritating when people tell me what they think I should be doing with my life!

I do think it’s not as simple as ‘make new friends’, which is why I often find the MN lauding of the single life a bit naive. Most - by no means all - but most people do end up in couples. Many will have children, and children are so time consuming that it does put friends down a list somewhat.

I sympathise as I had my children (much) later in life. My thirties were very lonely as I was mostly snatching a few sentences from friends between squawks! But it does get better.

@IsThereAnEchoInHere Alright, I'll leave you to it. Suppose I don't need to play Gandalf to your Bilbo. Enjoy the Shire.