To ask if there are others who are ’leave behind’ people?

[IsThereAnEchoInHere]

So, at this point most people I know are coupled up, about to be or already married, many have kids etc, the ’life plan’ and all that…

And that’s cool, it’s not that.

It’s just that it’s getting clear that my stuff doesn’t matter at all anymore, often ignored and just made to feel less than.
Hope that makes sense.

Quite a lot of these people have turned out to be pretty selfish (yes, I realize the irony with my post) and really have turned into kind of different people from who they were.
They used to be open-minded and excepting of all kinds of people/lifestyles and some have turned into quite conventional and judgy.
Keeping score who’s in relationships, complaining about people who don’t have kids, married people are real adults, stupid meaningless things like this.

And the only time anyone makes first contact (I still try - usually they are busy, are okey to meet after months, turn all conversations into themselves) seems to be when they have something going wrong in their lives and need a vent or help, or wants me to come carrying gifts for their kids or just talk at me about themselves.

What the hell happened?
Is this life as an adult, or did I just have crap luck or something?

I think it’s your friends. There are a group of four of us, all in very different situations (age 33)
I had a child at 17, my friends all still included me and often came to mine/happy to include my son for over 10 years while it was only me who had a child.
Fast forward 10 years… I’m now married with two more (both of us work, average jobs full time), one friend has one baby married and SAHM husband in average/good career, another married both engineers earn loads and have two little ones and fourth friend single, good job, mortgage and loves to travel.

We are all in very different financial and relationship situations but still come together when we can and talk on the phone. No judgement on how each of us have chosen to live our lives.

There is a lot of pressure in our family, for women, to be married and have kids. And they are clearly treated better than those who are single and/or childfree, strong pecking order.

This comment stood out for me. You've clearly been conditioned into this mindset from birth. It's wrong - it's very old-fashioned and sounds like something from Victorian times, or a religious cult.

I don’t mean disrespect, but what did this have to do with the thread @ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba ?

Oh no!
None of those things!

Average, non-religious/not really bothered anyway, nordic family. No cults and in this time and age.
But it is very much how it is in everywhere, you know.
Woman’s place is wit a man and a child.

And women who have those are treated better.
As you can see, someone on this thread said having husband/kids grows a person etc.

Yes, I said ‘ALL CHILDFREE PEOPLE I KNOW HATE KIDS’ in those exact words 🙄

Actually I said the opposite. That women who are childfree and happy with it don’t hate kids and are generally very good with mine, they just don’t want them themselves. It’s the childfree women who do was kids underneath who say how rubbish being a mum is etc but they usually then go on to have one so they don’t hate them either, not really.

?

you asked if all married people leave single friends behind.
so I'm answering your question: we didn't, don't & won't.
Sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear

But it is very much how it is in everywhere, you know.
Woman’s place is wit a man and a child.

And women who have those are treated better.
As you can see, someone on this thread said having husband/kids grows a person etc.

Yes this is true. Some societies/cultures are more pronatalist than others but generally it is true.

Is it being left behind? Or moving in different directions? I love seeing my childfree friends (we're early 40s), our lives are definitely different and so are priorities at the moment. That's ok, but it means there are key areas we don't relate on. Its also worth noting that i think i have changed quite a bit since becoming a parent, so wouldn't like to be expected to stay how I was pre children. Life with a young family is also pretty exhausting and overwhelming so I sometimes avoid my single child free people if I feel I have nothing left in the tank.

I love also being with my mates who are parents, but not to talk about kids and babies at husband's, I find that so boring! But knowing I have a similar life set up allows us to relate to each other when taking through our work stuff, holidays, relationships with others etc.

Nothing more boring or exclusive than discussing being a parent with child free people (unless they specifically ask!).

I have never felt left behind when I've been at a different life stage because my friends are really lovely and actually we've all had different journeys.

I was actually the first to live with someone/get married so I think they assumed I'd be having kids young but it wasn't the case.

I do feel some judgment and maybe a bit of resentment though but I also could be applying meaning where I shouldn't.

Comments about being tired met with scoffing about how the baby doesn't sleep.

How do I find so much time to watch/do/chill.
They're so busy all the time etc

It's from people I love and I don't think there's any deliberate unkindness or judgment there but it stings all the same.

1. I have as much right as anyone else to be knackered after a long week or a run of sleepless nights because of insomnia.

Yes I have more free time and they have chosen to have less by default of adding children into their lives. So by all means have a moan about how relentless parenting is and I'm right there with you understanding that and hoping to lighten that load but don't bring in snippy comparisons to my life please or I will return with my own to show this up.

1. The friends I'm less close to may have maybe forgotten that whilst they were living their single lives, I was trying to get pregnant and didn't. I've never brought it up since they had kids because I didn't want there to be any shadow over that for me. I never wanted a friend to worry about telling me their baby news and sharing that with them but I worried they might hold back.

It sounds like they have become bitter and disillusioned by life. They followed the usual married and kids trajectory and found out how mundane it is. They feel hard done by so criticise others because they are too tied down to full express themselves and do what makes them truly happy.

Ah, okey perhaps I didn’t catch what you were saying.
It looked like you were saying you don’t even know any single/childfree people and just kept telling how busy and happy everyone are with their families...
So I wasn’t sire what relevance it had.

I think you are trying to generalise about a specific situation.

There isn’t some global ‘leave behind’ pattern, you have just outgrown your friends - perhaps they have outgrown you also. You need to go and find some new ones. I know it’s upsetting but don’t overthink this, just get on with building your life.

I think most people are self-involved. You have to work at not being self-involved. That takes awareness and effort.

And when you have babies, lots of people talk about literally nothing else. I am sure I was guilty of that - it’s because they consume you 24/7. We don’t live in communities where we share childrearing anymore, so having a baby is often lonely and, like I said, all-consuming.

I think it’s pretty universal.

I think it’s difficult OP.

Being a parent is probably up there with being the most difficult and most rewarding thing that can be going on in your life, followed by houses buying. I don’t think that makes them any more of an adult, but they dominate your life and thus endless discussions.

I felt very privileged not to have to worry about anything like that until i was in my forties. I wish I’d had more adventures in that time, but my own busy life got in the way too. A ceremony for this, an event for that, a project abroad, an inspection in the Uk, etc etc. I did have 13 holidays one year, i remember it fondly, and wish my life was like that again. I probably talk too much about that when given the chance, but I do jabber on about my step kids too much.

My point is - live your life as you see fit. You will have people come and go in your life, ships that are in a flotilla for one crossing are temporary bedfellow - it’s good to be with those who are in a similar position to yourself - but peoples lives change - responsibilities come and go - and with that, opportunities change too.

I’m in the plodding along Til retirement group now, 75 weeks til youngest buggers off to uni, and then our lives are our own again. We’re Hoping to make new friends in far flung places.

I've found most parents of young children, talk about them excessively me included, however they're older now and I rarely discuss them. I do think new parents prefer conversing with other parents, for tips and ideas. Now I can't stand baby chat, I'd rather talk about anything else. You have a great life, no commitments, enjoy it by being with similar minded people. You do what you want to, whether it's traveling or relaxing, enjoy it.

Your friends sound awful OP.

I think this idea that you have somehow failed if you don't have the married life with kids is very narrow minded and just odd.

However, I see you mention you don't have much of a career, love of travelling, or hobbies. I have a friend who is single, childfree, in her early 30s, doesn't care for her career, have any hobbies, no interest in travel or dating, and I have started distancing myself because I don't have a bloody clue what to ask her about! Our meetings have been quite awkward as of late and most of my others friends (single, childfree, whatever) have other things in their lives, so they are filled with conversation about their interests. If you have very few interests, it can be difficult to keep a conversation flowing.

I think people naturally drift apart if they’re at different life stages, if there’s such a thing.

And it’s not all one way, we had our kids much younger than our friends, and I very much noticed the dynamic shift in both our friends groups - we no longer had the time or money to go out clubbing ect, so people stop asking.

It's horses for courses as they say. I had school friends who dropped me when I had kids in my early 30s or said they didn't want to hear about mine. Fair enough but it excluded me when talked about their careers. They are now mostly married & with kids so I find it ironic. I have uni friends who I see, but some live abroad. A few single ones who I try to see when I can & we just talk about our lives, jobs, kids in my case, relationships in theirs. Some of our closest frinds are mum friends I met when my eldest was young and we've been thru it all together, now juggling teenage yrs and multiple kids. At each stage we're supported each other, not smug parents, just needing to have empathy from someone going thru the same things. I have quite a big age gap so find parents of my youngest (6) worry about things that don't concern me when dealing with my eldest (13). I think it's the people not the life choices.

However, I see you mention you don't have much of a career, love of travelling, or hobbies. I have a friend who is single, childfree, in her early 30s, doesn't care for her career, have any hobbies, no interest in travel or dating, and I have started distancing myself because I don't have a bloody clue what to ask her about! Our meetings have been quite awkward as of late and most of my others friends (single, childfree, whatever) have other things in their lives, so they are filled with conversation about their interests. If you have very few interests, it can be difficult to keep a conversation flowing.

This can also go both ways. I am married and childless. I had friends who gave up work when their first child was born and never went back. I worked full time until early retirement at 58 We are all in our early 60s now. Their Christmas updates are all about the kids/weddings/grandkids. They don’t seem to have interests other than that. They talk about their kids going off travelling - DH and I are doing that! We haven’t met up in many years but I’m not sure what we would have in common now.

@KimberleyClark yes, I think when you have nothing in common, it can just be unbelievably dull for both parties.

I don't think it's about 'age', but more about 'stage'. One of my best friends is 10 years older than me, however, we are doing similar things so the chat is interesting for both (I hope lol).

I'm the same age as you, also unmarried & childfree, & feel just the same. Perfectly happy with how things turned out. I have the time, energy and money to enjoy a much broader array of experiences.

This rings very true.

@ThunderRolls88

I have a friend who is single, childfree, in her early 30s, doesn't care for her career, have any hobbies, no interest in travel or dating

Now I wish she was my friend!

You said you don’t what to talk about, perhaps she’s more of type who like the time spent together, rather than chit-chat?
I’m more of that type, like the company, but we don’t have talk all the time what has been/ will be done, that’s not really my thing.

I'm another single and childless person just plodding along.
I suppose I earn pretty well, certainly above average, but like many people with or without kids, I have a lot of outgoings so can't afford a multiple holiday, lots of nights out lifestyle that some parents think we should be living.

Like other people I have to work to maintain my lifestyle anyway and as my job is pretty full on and stressful, and I'm nearly 50 I don't have the time or energy for a wild social life. I also have an elderly father who has moved in with me, so my salary has to stretch to help support him too.

Saying that, I live in a lovely spot in the south west. I have some lovely friends and my dog. Being nearly 50 I don't tend to have friendships anymore with parents of young children, but to be honest that is because I made a conscious decision many years ago to avoid them as I have no interest in children.

I'm also not really in touch with most of my family because all but one of my siblings have lots of children with multiple partners and are only interested in me when they want something.

So I guess I've designed my life to have it full of non judgemental twats who understand that peoples' worth is not dependent on their marital or reproductive status.