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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if there are others who are ’leave behind’ people?

145 replies

IsThereAnEchoInHere · 17/02/2023 12:35

So, at this point most people I know are coupled up, about to be or already married, many have kids etc, the ’life plan’ and all that…

And that’s cool, it’s not that.

It’s just that it’s getting clear that my stuff doesn’t matter at all anymore, often ignored and just made to feel less than.
Hope that makes sense.

Quite a lot of these people have turned out to be pretty selfish (yes, I realize the irony with my post) and really have turned into kind of different people from who they were.
They used to be open-minded and excepting of all kinds of people/lifestyles and some have turned into quite conventional and judgy.
Keeping score who’s in relationships, complaining about people who don’t have kids, married people are real adults, stupid meaningless things like this.

And the only time anyone makes first contact (I still try - usually they are busy, are okey to meet after months, turn all conversations into themselves) seems to be when they have something going wrong in their lives and need a vent or help, or wants me to come carrying gifts for their kids or just talk at me about themselves.

What the hell happened?
Is this life as an adult, or did I just have crap luck or something?

OP posts:
Lentilweaver · 17/02/2023 23:54

I have said the same thing on another thread, but will say it again. I have DC but have several close childfree friends. I like to make friends with similar interests: reading, history, walking, the theatre... I don't care if they have DC or not. I prefer not to talk about my DC beyond the quick update- A is doing this, B is doing that- and talk about other stuff.

I really don't think the gulf between the childfree and parents is as wide as often expressed on here.

Sickofcoughing · 17/02/2023 23:56

Olinguita · 17/02/2023 13:45

They sound awful.
I had kids a bit later in life and this happened with some of my friends when I was single and childless. They made me feel like my time didn't matter, and was left with this uncomfortable residual feeling that I had to compensate for this "lack" whenever I spent time around them. The heterosexual life-events escalator seems to have this effect on certain people and it is not at all pleasant to be around if you are single or don't have kids. Not only is it insulting but the sheer BANALITY of it....
To repeat the cliche: find new friends!

I could have written this post.

Luckily it was only some of my friends who are now downgraded to acquaintances and I had other friends who didn't treat me like you've described.

If you don't have other friends, find some. Or find some great hobbies and passions. Basically don't fit around this people, they don't bother fitting around you.

FeelingwearyFeeelingsmall · 18/02/2023 00:03

It happens the other way around too. I had kids at around age 30 and I can think of at least three people that ghosted me not long after. I miss them but I don't blame them - our lives moved in different directions.

Friends come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime - the ones that let me go were obviously reason or season friends. With hindsight I know that's OK. I still have some old friends (over 45 years), I've made many new friends and I am sure there are still more to come.

FangsForTheMemory · 18/02/2023 00:03

I had a friend who dumped me when she got married because I was happily single and said so. She pretended to take offence because I was making different choices in life and clearly wanted me to be miserable because I hadn’t got a husband. I didn’t hear from her again until she send me a card announcing the birth of her first baby.

Truestorypeeps · 18/02/2023 00:03

Piglet89 · 17/02/2023 23:28

@Thepeopleversuswork has it. I say that as a married parent of a 3.5 year old who feels like she’s just coming out of the woods of the baby/toddler phase now and coming blinking back into the sunlight.

i am not smug towards children friends tho!!!

We have 4 years between ours, 6 and 2. Having 1 is nothing compared to 2. Well, if they like to kill each other half the time like ours do! That's real pain!! I'm not sure how people cope with 3,4,5 kids :-O

bonzaitree · 18/02/2023 00:06

I agree that some people (not all) become so very boring after having children and kids go the point where all they do is complain about being tired and talk about extremely dull child related things. It’s like a personality transplant.

Cuppasoupmonster · 18/02/2023 00:06

Thepeopleversuswork · 17/02/2023 23:51

@Cuppasoupmonster

For starters: you’ve neatly divided all childless people into two groups and suggested that half of them are actually secretly jealous of you… when it’s obviously far more complicated than that.

You then go on to crow about a so-called friend for having been dumped by a long term partner. Which is downright nasty whatever she may have done.

And you top it all off by bashing women who don’t settle down with kids really early for “having been sold a certain lifestyle” (which is clear code for “women who want careers before kids”).

You’re correct that there is a strain of “lady doth protest too much” in the comments of some childless people. But you manage to imply that these people are at fault for failing to “invest in relationships”. Which clearly implies that you think women who prioritise anything other than finding a man and having kids with him are misguided.

When did I say it was half of them? Confused

And I’m not ‘crowing’. She’s an example of what I was talking about.

As for women bashing, oh please. I don’t mean women who want careers. How ridiculous. I have a ‘proper’ career myself. I meant women who are repeatedly told that having children is only for sad and boring ‘mumsy’ types, so they dismiss it as such, before realising years down the line that actually maybe they would like a baby after all. That’s not the same as women who truly don’t want children and come to that decision independently.

I do think women are, by and large, discouraged from investing in relationships and that it’s coming back to bite them in their mid 30s. This is absolutely my experience among women I know. I would say men but it’s less of a thing as they have no biological ticker.

Georgeandzippyzoo · 18/02/2023 00:25

@Hubblebubble I have , and never had a desire to travel. Yep I'll go on a holiday but I don't need it to be adventurous, exciting, exotic etc. That's just not me. I find it annoying when people say 'oh you should go....you ll love it....' because for them it filled a need . I don't have that need and that's OK. I'm not plodding along, I'm living a happy , contented life which I love and is no less of a life to someone whos travelled the world , experiencing loads of different cultures / places.

Georgeandzippyzoo · 18/02/2023 00:27

*haven't

RosesAndHellebores · 18/02/2023 00:33

I remember in my late 20s being very sensitive when comments were made because I was single or feeling a bit left out. I think society puts ridiculous oressure on young women and women in general to confirm to the girlfriend/wife/mother stereotype. Sadly many women settle.

It has to be better to be single and happy than miserable and married.

Ace56 · 18/02/2023 00:34

@Cuppasoupmonster I agree with pp, your post does sound awfully smug. The message of it is basically ‘I had kids young and was judged for it, but look who’s laughing now sucker when you’re childless in your thirties!’

Your friend was wrong to judge you when you had your baby earlier, but don’t you feel sorry for her now being dumped after a LTR? Where’s your compassion? I know a couple of people in a similar situation who are now desperate for children and feel that time is running out. This is through no fault of their own - they are just unlucky that their relationships didn’t work out. They didn’t choose shit men or not invest enough in their relationships.

Cuppasoupmonster · 18/02/2023 00:39

Of course I feel sorry for her! Well, maybe not quite ‘Sorry’ for her as she has a lot going for her and overall her life is pretty good, but I understand her concern about not finding someone to settle with. I don’t think my way is the ‘right way’ of doing things but it was right for me. I actually wouldn’t advise mid 20s, probably more like late 20s/early 30s if you get the choice.

InelegantAndWild · 18/02/2023 00:40

OP I recognise the kind of interactions you are talking about but I wonder what is going on with you that you feel the effects so keenly. Some people are permanently self obsessed, some people become a little blinkered when they feel overwhelmed with life.

It is unusual though for everyone in one's life to be behaving like that towards one repeatedly and for a long time.

I have perceived the world to be like that, but on reflection it was when I myself was carrying an unacknowledged need. Which because it was unacknowledged by myself meant that I didn't express it so ofc no bugger could do anything about it!

I wonder if there is something similar with you? What do you want people to hear about you? How can you enable them to hear it?

Summerfun54321 · 18/02/2023 00:45

People grow and change. It sounds like your friends have mostly grown and changed but you haven't. No one is at fault, it's just time for new friends you have more in common with now.

treasurefoil · 18/02/2023 01:07

RosesAndHellebores · 18/02/2023 00:33

I remember in my late 20s being very sensitive when comments were made because I was single or feeling a bit left out. I think society puts ridiculous oressure on young women and women in general to confirm to the girlfriend/wife/mother stereotype. Sadly many women settle.

It has to be better to be single and happy than miserable and married.

Yep, but get pregnant early 20s still disappoints everyone

InelegantAndWild · 18/02/2023 01:17

I've seen women be criticised for every permutation around deciding to have a child - women are variously too young/too old/too fat/too thin/too eager to marry/not eager enough to marry/too poor/too career focused/too emotionally needy/too selfish. Possibly there's an 18 month window aged circa 28.5-30 where, if you are married but only within the last three years, a homeowner and earning £45k, it's acceptable to have a child but really all of those elements must be in alignment otherwise you have FAILED.

ilikepinknblue · 18/02/2023 02:06

Hubblebubble · 17/02/2023 17:18

Full disclaimer, lots of my child free friends are just sort of plodding along and I can't help but think what a waste of your own time and youth.

If you are so judgemental about how people live, you should be aware that by some people standards, especially the ones with high flying careers / impactful passions, maybe you are sort of plodding along too.

Tophy124 · 18/02/2023 02:43

I voted YABU as you’re generalizing. It may just be that you have crummy friends.

Im married with a child and have many, many single friends and many single/married friends and close family similar in age who don’t have children….and it has no bearing on our friendships. I’m always so keen to hear about their lives and catch up! I make a point of trying to see them without my child, but when they request to see him too (as I live abroad and away from my closest friends) I do bring him. They are still friends I adore and cherish their friendship even if our lives aren’t similar anymore.

I can sometimes feel a little left behind actually by my single friends as they get to holiday often and are out a lot, doing exciting things. But this is a me thing and not them!

treasurefoil · 18/02/2023 03:13

Tophy124 · 18/02/2023 02:43

I voted YABU as you’re generalizing. It may just be that you have crummy friends.

Im married with a child and have many, many single friends and many single/married friends and close family similar in age who don’t have children….and it has no bearing on our friendships. I’m always so keen to hear about their lives and catch up! I make a point of trying to see them without my child, but when they request to see him too (as I live abroad and away from my closest friends) I do bring him. They are still friends I adore and cherish their friendship even if our lives aren’t similar anymore.

I can sometimes feel a little left behind actually by my single friends as they get to holiday often and are out a lot, doing exciting things. But this is a me thing and not them!

That is the best thing I've heard. Friends all areas and I like that you might meet them without the child as well, but also bit jealous of single life they have, but your not, because your baby is the best Ever. I would hope most parents can relate to this x

LifeunderMarrs · 18/02/2023 04:51

ilovesooty · 17/02/2023 12:47

I think you have rubbish friends if they're like that.

I have to agree with this. I don't think it's marriage and children that have changed them - they just sound extremely basic.

I'm married with two teenage children and my closest friends comprise:

Two mums with two children: both are now divorced and only one is in a new long-term relationship.

One mum with one child, now separated from the father.

Two women who've never had children and have really interesting lives in London. One is in a long term relationship and the other was sadly recently widowed.

KimberleyClark · 18/02/2023 06:12

Cuppasoupmonster · 17/02/2023 23:25

Then why see them at all?

To be honest the ‘you never ask me anything’ whiners just annoy me. We’re adults, if you want to say something just say it. I’m not going to sit for ages trying to elicit information from somebody playing all coy and offended.

Show quote history

Yes you can just say it but I do know people who don’t really take any notice of what you’ve said they just use it as a jump off point into saying more about themselves, so you wonder why you bothered.

Original poster
IsThereAnEchoInHere · 18/02/2023 06:30

@Cuppasoupmonster

All childfree people ypu know hate kids?
Or you just imagine they do?

I’ve never met a person who is childfree, or childless, who hates kids.

So, that’s pretty crazy that you have ran into so many who do.

OP posts:
KimberleyClark · 18/02/2023 06:37

All childfree people ypu know hate kids?
Or you just imagine they do?

They just lack the imagination to see there are many reasons why someone might decide parenthood is not for them other than “hating kids”.

And many parents don’t like kids other than their own.

Original poster
IsThereAnEchoInHere · 18/02/2023 06:58

Summerfun54321 · 18/02/2023 00:45

People grow and change. It sounds like your friends have mostly grown and changed but you haven't. No one is at fault, it's just time for new friends you have more in common with now.

I don’t think this is a fair thing to say.

People don’t automatically just grow if they are in a relationship/ has kids.

And people who are single/chilfree cand and do still grow.

Perhaps people grow in different direction, but I found your comment ignorant.

OP posts:
ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 18/02/2023 07:03

We don't have many single, childless friends because nearing 50 most of our friends & family have also been married & had kids or the new ones we made through schools are all parents, usually in a relationship.

Out of the 4 closest 1 is DH's best friend (he's like a brother to both of us), 3 are family & godparents to our kids. So very strong ties, we keep in touch. It's usually us who invites them now actually to join us for birthdays, Sunday lunch, during half term, to watch footie etc.
When they need us we are there for them & vica versa.

I have a few single friends from my teen years but they all live abroad so contact is very occasional unfortunately. Everyone is just too busy, and it's difficult being in different time zones.