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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if there are others who are ’leave behind’ people?

145 replies

IsThereAnEchoInHere · 17/02/2023 12:35

So, at this point most people I know are coupled up, about to be or already married, many have kids etc, the ’life plan’ and all that…

And that’s cool, it’s not that.

It’s just that it’s getting clear that my stuff doesn’t matter at all anymore, often ignored and just made to feel less than.
Hope that makes sense.

Quite a lot of these people have turned out to be pretty selfish (yes, I realize the irony with my post) and really have turned into kind of different people from who they were.
They used to be open-minded and excepting of all kinds of people/lifestyles and some have turned into quite conventional and judgy.
Keeping score who’s in relationships, complaining about people who don’t have kids, married people are real adults, stupid meaningless things like this.

And the only time anyone makes first contact (I still try - usually they are busy, are okey to meet after months, turn all conversations into themselves) seems to be when they have something going wrong in their lives and need a vent or help, or wants me to come carrying gifts for their kids or just talk at me about themselves.

What the hell happened?
Is this life as an adult, or did I just have crap luck or something?

OP posts:
Futurethoughts · 17/02/2023 18:17

You are being really rude, @Hubblebubble

CrackedLookingGlass · 17/02/2023 18:19

You know awful people, OP. I was unmarried and childfree till 40, and obviously I encountered these attitudes, but from randoms at neighbours’ parties, not my actual friends! I would not choose for a second to have such banal, insecure, unimaginative people in my life — my friends are a mix of parents and non-parents, and those who had children had them anywhere between the ages of 26 and 47, biologically or via adoption, so there was never a sense of everyone being on some atavistic trudge through defined life stages.

And I’m the eldest of five and none of the others have children, and I have one, by choice. I don’t recall the extended family ever having the gall to remark.

MovieQueen12 · 17/02/2023 18:23

Even on this thread there is proof that if you are single with no kids then you should be doing something amazing just to prove your existence.
Utterly depressing.

SallyWD · 17/02/2023 18:33

I'm married with kids but I know I'm not particularly interested in other people's kids or husbands. Because of this I don't go on about my family life to single friends. I know it'll bore them. I do know some married people who look down on single people as if they haven't succeeded somehow. It's all so ridiculous! I don't - I have friends who are child free through choice and think their lives are brilliant to be honest. They have so much freedom, that I lack.
However, I certainly don't think all, or even most, married people are how you describe.
It works both ways too. I have a couple of single, child free friends who ONLY talk about themselves! They're so wrapped up in their own lives they never ask me a single thing about my life. Like I said, I know it's boring to hear about other people's kids or whatever but you think if you were spending a whole weekend together you might ask (just once) how their family are doing.

MissWings · 17/02/2023 18:46

They’ll be unhappy with some aspect of their lives. I’m 34 with the husband, the dog, the 3 kids and nice house plus decent job. What I’ve discovered no one really wants to discuss a good marriage. You’re only ever allowed to discuss bad things about your life or husband. I actually find some married couples tiresome. No idea why some people get married.

TedMullins · 17/02/2023 19:38

@Hubblebubble aren't many people with kids also just plodding along? Probably with even more drudgery in their lives than people without kids!

LoveQuinnOhDearyMe · 17/02/2023 21:53

Aren’t we all just plodding along in some respects? Childless or not?

I have to say, if I had more money, I would certainly go on more adventures but I’ve done a few holidays by myself now, last one just before Christmas when I went over to America and it is liberating going for it alone if anyone fears it.

Theres a lot of truth in this thread for all of us, so many of us feel like we have to justify how are lives are to our friends in order to justify it in our heads.

OP I’ve learnt to just prioritise myself and other friends compared to the ones who put you down or make you feel down. It’s just not worth the time and energy.

Highdaysandholidays1 · 17/02/2023 22:14

One good tip is to find people at a different life-stage than in the trenches of early parenthood. I have friends who are childfree, and also friends who have older children (late teens/left home) and they were brilliant when I had smaller kids, there's no competition over life-choices and they were free to go out more. I also joined groups through MeetUp which was a good way to meet people. I am also friends with an older lady and I love chatting to her.

I think those in the first few years of parenthood can get very narrow in their visions of life, it does get better! I have children myself but don't want to be only friends with those in a similar situation, partly because hardly anyone has time for each other for starters. It's nice to have variety.

Tomso · 17/02/2023 22:23

I just found having DC so overwhelming and exhausting I didn't have anything left for time for me to socialise.

WandaWonder · 17/02/2023 22:52

They could think you have changed as well, we only hearing one view point about them

People with their own issues with people will say they are being mean or not nice or whatever but people change when circumstances change

They could be totally being unreasonable but also it could be just what you think also

CeltictigerMum · 17/02/2023 23:03

This is my life totally. So much so that I speak to very few people, apart from family and very close friends. I've recognised those who just use me for various reasons, mainly to talk incessantly about themselves, to bitch about their friends, or to moan and complain. Also to use me for favours but never there when I need them . I used to just sit there and listen, like a counsellor, nobody asking anything about my life. They'll start a text with "how are you?", which really means "ask me how I am, I don't really care how you are", and take over the conversation from there. I have now intentionally drifted away from these people , consequently I have fewer, closer friends who I feel comfortable with. This is difficult sometimes if I need help with something, but we make do. Life is too short to surround yourself with people who have no interest in your life, or drag you down. Lose them.

Thepeopleversuswork · 17/02/2023 23:17

I think you have to keep in mind that being a parent of young children is usually a bit of an anticlimax in many ways.

A lot of people in this situation actually are not at all happy. They may adore and be obsessed by their children but their lives are brutally tiring, their relationships are probably not at their best point, they have no money, no sex, they can’t go out easily and have no free time. Aside from the pleasure that the children themselves bring, life can be pretty shit.

The “smug married young parent” club is actually partly a support group for people who are largely fed up but know they can’t admit to this in public and the patronising front they give off to single and childless people is often partially jealousy.

Pureradio · 17/02/2023 23:18

Hubblebubble · 17/02/2023 17:18

Full disclaimer, lots of my child free friends are just sort of plodding along and I can't help but think what a waste of your own time and youth.

How judgemental is that comment! I have children as it happens but 3 very close friends don't and we all share each others lives be they exciting or just you know, normal. Plodding - what a mean word to use.

Pureradio · 17/02/2023 23:19

TedMullins · 17/02/2023 19:38

@Hubblebubble aren't many people with kids also just plodding along? Probably with even more drudgery in their lives than people without kids!

Exactly! Totally agree , like having children makes you exciting...

Pureradio · 17/02/2023 23:22

My final post on the subject for tonight

To ask if there are others who are ’leave behind’ people?
Cuppasoupmonster · 17/02/2023 23:25

Randobelia · 17/02/2023 12:36

Almost everyone talks at me and it's exhausting. I see people like this once a year max. It's a cliché but you (and I) need new pals.

Then why see them at all?

To be honest the ‘you never ask me anything’ whiners just annoy me. We’re adults, if you want to say something just say it. I’m not going to sit for ages trying to elicit information from somebody playing all coy and offended.

Piglet89 · 17/02/2023 23:28

@Thepeopleversuswork has it. I say that as a married parent of a 3.5 year old who feels like she’s just coming out of the woods of the baby/toddler phase now and coming blinking back into the sunlight.

i am not smug towards children friends tho!!!

MzHz · 17/02/2023 23:33

I’ve given up trying to have female friends now. It always goes wrong. I know some really lovely women but they’re not close close iykwim I don’t go out with them, we don’t text every day or meet etc.

last friend was a bit needy and down trodden, turns out she clearly likes to be that way. She got covid, I’m checking in on her everyday, I get it and it’s fucking crickets. The end was all drama drama drama, I realise that’s how she wants it, she wants to be the martyr, and then out of nowhere she judged me. Nah. Fuck that.

Cuppasoupmonster · 17/02/2023 23:35

Anyway to me there are 2 types of childfree people. Number 1 really don’t want kids, are happy with their decision and just get on with life without having to say every 5 minutes how awful kids are and how lucky they feel not to have any.

Type 2 say they don’t want kids but don’t have much choice in the matter as they’re single and desperately dating. They’re a bit jealous so overcompensate by saying how awful kids are and how they would hate to have any, before finally finding a halfway decent man and popping one out at last minute.

When I was pregnant with DD in my mid 20s, I only had one other close friend with a child. The rest didn’t have any. Most were lovely and supportive but one made endless ‘jokes’ about me being a teen mum, how she would never have the time for a baby with her glittery social life and career, and once video called me with a work friend so she could show her ‘her teen mum friend’. It was quite clear she found me being a mum in my 20s hilarious Hmm anyway we are now in our 30s, she was dumped at Christmas by her LTR and is panicking big time about being ‘left on the shelf’.

I don’t blame her at all, I think young women are sold a certain lifestyle at the cost of investing in relationships and they end up paying a price for it.

Thepeopleversuswork · 17/02/2023 23:38

@Cuppasoupmonster

wow, what a smug and judgemental post. You’ve basically made the OP’s case with that. No wonder people can feel excluded with attitudes like this.

Cuppasoupmonster · 17/02/2023 23:39

Thepeopleversuswork · 17/02/2023 23:38

@Cuppasoupmonster

wow, what a smug and judgemental post. You’ve basically made the OP’s case with that. No wonder people can feel excluded with attitudes like this.

What have I said that is smug, exactly?

StellaGibson2022 · 17/02/2023 23:41

but this is normal isn’t it, people move through life having different friend groups at different stages during their life.

From your post it sounds like you are quite frustrated with them and the changes in who they have become. Having children of course changes people in ways they would never have considered.

Are you expecting them to remain the same as always?

LikeSpinningPlates · 17/02/2023 23:47

In response to people suggesting you might be selfish for not having or wanting children:

Ha HA HAAA! really! me selfish? You do realise the planet is eating itself? And you think I’m being selfish by abstaining from having children?

ridemesideway · 17/02/2023 23:50

StellaGibson2022 · 17/02/2023 23:41

but this is normal isn’t it, people move through life having different friend groups at different stages during their life.

From your post it sounds like you are quite frustrated with them and the changes in who they have become. Having children of course changes people in ways they would never have considered.

Are you expecting them to remain the same as always?

True. People change, life experiences change them.
I’m sure I bored the tits off my childfree friends when I was in the trenches with a 0-3 year old but our friendship endured. I’ve sat listening to friends bang on and on about their jobs, they’ve listened to me bang on about the baby. We’re adults, we move on.

Thepeopleversuswork · 17/02/2023 23:51

@Cuppasoupmonster

For starters: you’ve neatly divided all childless people into two groups and suggested that half of them are actually secretly jealous of you… when it’s obviously far more complicated than that.

You then go on to crow about a so-called friend for having been dumped by a long term partner. Which is downright nasty whatever she may have done.

And you top it all off by bashing women who don’t settle down with kids really early for “having been sold a certain lifestyle” (which is clear code for “women who want careers before kids”).

You’re correct that there is a strain of “lady doth protest too much” in the comments of some childless people. But you manage to imply that these people are at fault for failing to “invest in relationships”. Which clearly implies that you think women who prioritise anything other than finding a man and having kids with him are misguided.