To ask if there are others who are ’leave behind’ people?

[IsThereAnEchoInHere]

So, at this point most people I know are coupled up, about to be or already married, many have kids etc, the ’life plan’ and all that…

And that’s cool, it’s not that.

It’s just that it’s getting clear that my stuff doesn’t matter at all anymore, often ignored and just made to feel less than.
Hope that makes sense.

Quite a lot of these people have turned out to be pretty selfish (yes, I realize the irony with my post) and really have turned into kind of different people from who they were.
They used to be open-minded and excepting of all kinds of people/lifestyles and some have turned into quite conventional and judgy.
Keeping score who’s in relationships, complaining about people who don’t have kids, married people are real adults, stupid meaningless things like this.

And the only time anyone makes first contact (I still try - usually they are busy, are okey to meet after months, turn all conversations into themselves) seems to be when they have something going wrong in their lives and need a vent or help, or wants me to come carrying gifts for their kids or just talk at me about themselves.

What the hell happened?
Is this life as an adult, or did I just have crap luck or something?

@pixie5121

Your infertility treatment was important to you, but her love life was important to her. What exactly is 'childish' about discussing someone in your life?

You have hit on something quite interesting here: I got this a lot when I was child free. Meeting friends who have kids and who (naturally) wanted to talk about them but hitting some sort of superiority roadblock all the time if you ever spoke about anything else.

The deep indulgent sigh, the raised eyebrows and then “Anyway back to little Tommy”. As if wanting to talk about anything other than children was very decadent and insensitive.

It’s natural to find your children interesting but I do think some women with children subconsciously assume that all discussions about anything else should cease when children become a focus and that nothing else is very important.

Its tedious, patronising and dull and I have quietly dropped a lot of friends for doing this.

This is so true of the single friends I know

@pixie5121

Having a child means you had unprotected sex and now you have a kid to look after. That's literally it. It's nothing special. It's nothing admirable. It doesn't make you a more virtuous, more enlightened person. It's literally just biology doing its thing.

Quite. I used to get the feeling that people thought talking about work, or my social life or the books I had read or the guy I was dating was spoilt and self-indulgent because it couldn't compete with the all important topic of Motherhood.

When in fact a lot of the conversations about early parenthood are unbelievably dull.

Cracked nipples. Cluster feeding. Baby-led weaning. Nursery dilemmas. Nap challenges. Potty training. School choices. Behavioural issues etc. All very important to a parent. As is your mortgage, your gas bill and your car insurance. But these are also incredibly dull for others to hear about and no one would assume that these topics are inherently more "mature" or worthy than any others.

I'm really glad I've emerged from this period of my life tbh. I am a parent and I understand why these things matter to parents but its gross self-importance to presume that everyone else should care about them to the exclusion of all other discussion. Not to mention incredibly unimaginative.

You have hit on something quite interesting here: I got this a lot when I was child free. Meeting friends who have kids and who (naturally) wanted to talk about them but hitting some sort of superiority roadblock all the time if you ever spoke about anything else.

This. Like they had moved on to the Advanced class of life while you were still in the Beginner class.

Those who don't go for having DC think it's arrogant and self centered that those with them have no time, no patience and nothing else to talk about. Those with them are struggling massively a lot of the time. I didn't have one unbroken night's sleep in eight years. I couldn't shower or pee alone. We are seriously short of money with childcare fees. I couldn't afford a coffee out. I had no social life outside looking after small dc. It's hard, depressing and lonely. I was exhausted and had zero help. Then along comes a friend who doesn't have those issues and complains I didn't ask them how they are first. Or talk about art, or films or books like I used to. It's like two completely different worlds.

Oh and I was ghosted and dumped because I was no longer fun.

I'm single, child free by choice OP and just "plodding along" 🙄 because I'm happy enough living a simple, peaceful life and don't need to throw myself out of planes or hang off a fucking cliff to prove to everyone how awesome my ordinary life is. If you want to chat feel free to PM x

Looking after someone who can't feed themselves, wash or go to the toilet 24/7 is all consuming. Parents may also have chronic illnesses and disabilities. Yes it's a choice. But that doesn't mean they're still available in the same way as before.

Well said @TimeForChanges123 .
Also agree with @pixie5121 . I also have chronic illnesses which cause a lot of issues and make life difficult. But hey, I'm single with no kids so it doesn't count right ?

Why does it not count @MovieQueen12? So do I but I wouldn't be going to the parent of small DC for support.

No, I don't think they'd be interested.

No because all us carefree singletons can all support one another while the poor mums stay at home in their terribly stressful existence.
Honestly, this thread.

Completely spot-on, @pixie5121

Discussing a romantic interest is "childish" compared to the oh-so-important discussion of infertility. Right.

I had a friend all through school and uni; we stayed often at one another's houses through the teen years, she referred to my father as her "second dad" and all that. We traveled together, were total confidantes.

She made a disastrous marriage to a total waster at age 21, much to the dismay of her posh (in their minds) parents. She had taken a nursing degree and via work met a never-married 40-ish doctor. She dumped her loser husband, pursued the doctor and remarried in her late 20s. All through that saga I helped her financially, allowed her to live in my flat for about six months, served as bridesmaid of honor two times, hosted her showers, etc etc. My parents decorated the chapel for her second wedding.

Meanwhile I was rather a late bloomer, not particularly attractive and most of those years was single and relatively dateless. After she returned from honeymoon and got settled into her new husband's swanky flat, she mused one day that she planned to host a "formal black-tie dinner party." I said that sounded like a fun project and was about to offer my help when she said "Yes, it's too bad you won't be able to come since you wouldn't have anyone to bring. It'll be couples-only."

That put our entire near-20-year relationship into a totally different light for me. I was literally stunned. Had the shoe been on the other foot I would never have excluded her from a party due to lack of a date. I basically let that "friendship" fade; made easier as they moved abroad for a while. That was nearly 30 years ago. I ran into her sister about 10 years later and we had a quick drink; loosened by alcohol I told her the story and she said "OMG. I am embarrassed to be related to her." Cleared up a lot in her mind.

Funnily enough I ran into that same sister right before the start of the pandemic; she said "Friend" was about to receive her degree absolute, she was going to have to get a nursing job after all those years of being supported by the doc. Their kids are young adults now. Funny how things work out.

I like listening to other people's love lives. I have a couple of friends who married later than the rest of us, and always enjoyed listening to all their exciting tales of internet dating. Damn sight more exciting than listening to tales of potty training.

Sadly this happens to widows often @ZeldaWillTellYourFortune @pixie5121 . It's just so fucking terrible when people drop you no matter why you are single.

My DH is regularly encouraged to go see his friends so I could have singles party with my single mates. Never went to couples only party. But it sounds like it could be some good drama going on!