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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think partner is trying to steal my thunder?

129 replies

ellie09 · 16/02/2023 22:59

I have had a new partner for around 3 months so still relatively new.

I have always been open about not particularly liking my job, and in the new year, I decided to take some time out and go looking for a new job. Very quickly I got a couple of interviews and I am waiting to hear back about a last stage interview and continuing to apply.

When we first met, it seemed to me that he enjoyed his job and never spoke negatively about it. He even walked around wearing a company branded hat. However, as soon as I mentioned I was discontent, he starts.

Anything negative I say, his apparently is much worse. He decided he was going to apply for new jobs. So he starts going wild. Applying for hundreds of jobs, he had 10+ interviews in one week and constantly updated me on it.

The field I am in has far fewer posts to apply for, and his field is more common. It seemed anytime I was updating him on an interview or a prospect, he brushed it off and continued telling me about his own.

We were both waiting to hear back about last stage interviews - he got his job offered, however I am still in the lurch over mine. He says we need to get out the champers on Saturday to celebrate his news.

AIBU to start thinking its all just orchestrated very conveniently and I am being made to feel absolutely useless as I'm still actively trying while someone who seemingly has no issues with his job just casually applies and gets a new job?

I know we are different fields etc so there's no competitiveness with jobs etc and my field is more niche. I just feel that when my news comes, hopefully, that it won't feel as special?

OP posts:
Dyrne · 16/02/2023 23:05

It’s a bit of a weird way of thinking about it.

I think it’s fair enough to have a word with him about brushing aside your job worries if he really is hijacking every conversation; but some of what you’ve said is a little conspiracy theorist implying he is making a big career change solely with the motivation to make you look bad?

Maybe seeing you be so proactive about finding something new inspired him to re-examine his job satisfaction and spurred him on to finding something? Why can’t you be happy for your boyfriend, as you point out that his success doesn’t detract from yours at all.

Johnnysgirl · 16/02/2023 23:06

So, so weird...

CaponeOnTax · 16/02/2023 23:08

Let me guess… your field pays more than his?

SnarkyBag · 16/02/2023 23:08

3 months in and you feel like this? Not sure this one has legs

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 16/02/2023 23:10

This relationship isn't going to last. Cut your losses and run

AromaSun · 16/02/2023 23:11

He sounds insecure and trouble. Focus on you and what you want.

powershowerforanhour · 16/02/2023 23:11

Elevenerife-ers are bad enough when you're trapped listening to one droning on at a party one-upping everyone, let alone actually going out with them.

WillTimeCome · 16/02/2023 23:14

Wow, just wow.

Dinkeigh · 16/02/2023 23:19

This seems an odd way of thinking just because he applied for jobs and got one.....

Original poster
ellie09 · 16/02/2023 23:25

I am happy for him getting a new job, if that is what he really wants, however I have been none the wiser about it until I was expressed I was trying.

No, he earns more than me. About 10k more a year (actually 15k more with the new job) and got himself a nice 6k bonus as well.

It just seemed to be once I applied for the first application, he was right on the bat as well. I have supported him through his interviews etc and gave lots of advice.

I don't know. Just how I feel really. Maybe its me being unreasonable and maybe a bit jealous. Just ranting seeing if anybody could relate - lol

OP posts:
AromaSun · 16/02/2023 23:28

I read it again. He actually sounds extremely insensitive and up his own arse. He should be encouraging you and supporting you in your journey to find a job you are happy with. Instead it seems like he has turned it into a competition. That's great he has got what he is looking for. I don't think you have

Washaload · 16/02/2023 23:28

I think I get what you're saying OP.

It's all very easy for someone to say - what a weird way to think about the situation. But I think you feel there's something off about it. You feel he's done it deliberately. You don't know why but there's something amiss about it all.

You could very well have started dating someone who also got a new job at the same time you were looking and you'd feel differently about it. Maybe because at the start they'd say- I hate my job too, let's motivate each other to start applying. Perhaps they'd be telling you that they got their new job but would do so humbly because they'd recognise you're still applying.

However it is - another person could do the same things as this guy has but talk and act about it differently and it wouldn't sound alarm bells.

The crux of it is - your alarm bells have been sounded. What do you do when an alarm goes off? You get out xx

Original poster
ellie09 · 16/02/2023 23:37

Washaload · 16/02/2023 23:28

I think I get what you're saying OP.

It's all very easy for someone to say - what a weird way to think about the situation. But I think you feel there's something off about it. You feel he's done it deliberately. You don't know why but there's something amiss about it all.

You could very well have started dating someone who also got a new job at the same time you were looking and you'd feel differently about it. Maybe because at the start they'd say- I hate my job too, let's motivate each other to start applying. Perhaps they'd be telling you that they got their new job but would do so humbly because they'd recognise you're still applying.

However it is - another person could do the same things as this guy has but talk and act about it differently and it wouldn't sound alarm bells.

The crux of it is - your alarm bells have been sounded. What do you do when an alarm goes off? You get out xx

I would think about it differently if I had of been talking about my concerns and he said "oh actually you're spot on and its opened my eyes a lot around my position and its motivated me to apply also" then also ask me occasionally about how my search is going.

Instead if I complained say about workload, he fobs off a story about his. I say I am underpaid, He's suddenly underpaid. My boss is an arse, his suddenly is as well. Apparently his bonus payments are "crap", but he got 6k and I told him I got 1k.

He has motivated me somewhat but this has came after me sending a positive message to him.

We originally agreed to buy some champers to celebrate once we had BOTH secured new jobs but now he seems to want to whip it out early to only celebrate his. I've recently cut down a lot on drinking - saving only for special occasions as I had a few alcohol abuse issues.

Just feel a bit overshadowed at this point.l

OP posts:
WetBandits · 16/02/2023 23:39

powershowerforanhour · 16/02/2023 23:11

Elevenerife-ers are bad enough when you're trapped listening to one droning on at a party one-upping everyone, let alone actually going out with them.

Hahaha, I call them that too!

MajesticWhine · 16/02/2023 23:50

I think it's all a bit weird - especially the 10+ interviews in one week. I think you are right to feel something is a bit off. It's not quite a red flag but definitely something.

scoobydoo1971 · 16/02/2023 23:55

He seems dismissive of your interests and needs, as well as insensitive. This is supposed to be honeymoon stage. Forget job promotions and focus on the communication (or lack of) in this relationship. You talk to him, he talks AT you...RUN away from your job to something better, but RUN away from him too?

Original poster
ellie09 · 16/02/2023 23:59

MajesticWhine · 16/02/2023 23:50

I think it's all a bit weird - especially the 10+ interviews in one week. I think you are right to feel something is a bit off. It's not quite a red flag but definitely something.

It just went overboard. It wasn't a casual "oh I'll take a look and see what there is". He has interview after interview, 3 in one day. He printed out a resignation letter as "motivation" to leave ASAP and showed me it also. They first rejection he got, he flew off the handle despite having another load still to come back. He's now accepted a job offer from a much smaller scale company for a 5k raise to his salary vs. 10k if he stayed and tried to get a promotion.

Just hoping I can hear something back soon - been waiting two weeks now for a job offer and the recruiter is chasing him. He did ask for my salary expectations though.

OP posts:
Fraaahnces · 17/02/2023 00:08

He sounds somewhat narcissistic to me. Were you love-bombed into the relationship? Sounds like you’re an NPC in this relationship he’s decided to put you in your place so that you know who the main character is. He didn’t support you through your turmoil did he? You became a mirror for him to develop a new “reality”.
I suggest you try getting a cold and see what he does. Bet he comes down with the most dramatisch case of Manflu you will ever have heard about.
Is this a real partner for you?

ChildcareIsBroken · 17/02/2023 00:09

He sounds like a narcissist. Listen to your instincts. It's been only 3 months, you should be in a honeymoon phase, instead he's constantly competing with you. That's not right.

Nancydrawn · 17/02/2023 00:11

It's been three months. It shouldn't be this hard in three months. It should still be slightly casual, turning more serious, with wining and dining and fun. It should be boyfriend or even a fling, not partner. I'm not quibbling with your language--the point is that it shouldn't be something where you're so serious that you feel beholden to someone due to history together. It should just be a good time.

Are you having a good time?

EmmaDilemma5 · 17/02/2023 00:23

The months isn't relatively new. It's just new. 12 Mondays you've been together. Three first day of the months; it's nothing.

If you aren't sure, just end it.

NotAnotherTaco · 17/02/2023 00:27

It shouldn't be this hard in three months.

^This!!

Also, right now it's about jobs. Imagine the future ways he's going to be a knob.
Your car starts to play up, you buy a cheap runaround. His car has a spectacularly dramatic incident and he buys a Porsche.
You get ill with a cold. He gets pneumonia.

God forbid you go on to have children - how will he take away the spotlight when you're in labour?!

Good luck for the job hunt btw!

Deathbyfluffy · 17/02/2023 00:28

I went out with a woman like this before I met my wife and it was tedious as fuck.
Everything I’d done she’d done one better, if I had a bad day hers was worse.

Best thing I did was bin her off.

Lavender14 · 17/02/2023 00:30

I think the issue here is that he's not a good listener and can't read a room!

If he wants to go for new jobs and opportunities to further himself then more power to him. Perhaps you inspired him or he's only just started to think maybe the company isn't the best fit. Nothing wrong with any of that.

But he should not be cutting you off or dismissing you to talk about himself regardless of the topic... that's disrespectful. I'd be inclined to tell him how you've noticed this pattern and see if anything changes - if it doesn't then you know that's just who he is.

TreadLightly3 · 17/02/2023 00:37

Definitely sounds like a classic narc. I would say massive red flags here!!

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