Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think partner is trying to steal my thunder?

129 replies

ellie09 · 16/02/2023 22:59

I have had a new partner for around 3 months so still relatively new.

I have always been open about not particularly liking my job, and in the new year, I decided to take some time out and go looking for a new job. Very quickly I got a couple of interviews and I am waiting to hear back about a last stage interview and continuing to apply.

When we first met, it seemed to me that he enjoyed his job and never spoke negatively about it. He even walked around wearing a company branded hat. However, as soon as I mentioned I was discontent, he starts.

Anything negative I say, his apparently is much worse. He decided he was going to apply for new jobs. So he starts going wild. Applying for hundreds of jobs, he had 10+ interviews in one week and constantly updated me on it.

The field I am in has far fewer posts to apply for, and his field is more common. It seemed anytime I was updating him on an interview or a prospect, he brushed it off and continued telling me about his own.

We were both waiting to hear back about last stage interviews - he got his job offered, however I am still in the lurch over mine. He says we need to get out the champers on Saturday to celebrate his news.

AIBU to start thinking its all just orchestrated very conveniently and I am being made to feel absolutely useless as I'm still actively trying while someone who seemingly has no issues with his job just casually applies and gets a new job?

I know we are different fields etc so there's no competitiveness with jobs etc and my field is more niche. I just feel that when my news comes, hopefully, that it won't feel as special?

OP posts:
stripedsox · 17/02/2023 09:18

What a lot of drama at such an early stage of a new relationship. Tbh I'd walk away and move on with my own life.

Herroyal · 17/02/2023 09:21

3 months in and he's your 'partner'?

I'd get rid. If he's annoying you this much already he's not worth the hassle.

Annoyingwurringnoise · 17/02/2023 09:21

I’ve just read your post about the thyroid OP. I would very strongly advise you to dispatch this one at the first available opportunity. This isn’t just him being a bit quirky or annoying, this is classic narcissist behaviour. It’s not one of the headline behaviours so you probably wouldn’t understand it unless you’ve encountered it before, but anyone who has encountered this will be struck by it immediately. It’s this weird identity stealing thing they do, and it gets more insidious, and it grinds you down and down and down because they have to overshadow you in every aspect of your life.

also be aware that the longer you take to get rid of him, the harder it will be to shake him off. Be warned.

Mumuser124 · 17/02/2023 09:24

Maybe he saw that you were making positive changes and it gave him a kick up the arse to sort his job out. I wouldn’t expect at only 3 months together that a man would have moaned about how much he hates his job that you would know about it.

Justalittlebitduckling · 17/02/2023 09:24

Maybe your motivation inspired him to also get a new job and he’s trying to impress you? (Most generous interpretation).

billy1966 · 17/02/2023 09:25

You know its off.

What are you doing with such an insecure tiresome twat?

3 months and he's shown you he is a "Tommy two shits", as so elegantly explained below😁.

Run as fast as you can.

Sux2buthen · 17/02/2023 09:25

Either he's jealous or you inspired him. Maybe he was in a rut and your motivation got him going.
Either way you don't sound like you like him so I'd move on

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 17/02/2023 09:26

He even walked around wearing a company branded hat.

Haha this should have been your first red flag.

Three months in and you're competing with each other about who can score the best new job? You're both delusional and this relationship is going nowhere.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 17/02/2023 09:27

Oh, god, you've got a Competitor.

This means that he always has to win/be better than/more than you in every way.

The only way for you to win is, like Wargames, not to play.

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 17/02/2023 09:33

'He even walked around wearing a company branded hat.'

It's not this company is it?

To think partner is trying to steal my thunder?
amusedbush · 17/02/2023 09:43

TiaI · 17/02/2023 03:21

what happens if you talk to him about this behaviour? Interested if he takes on board your feelings and changes or carries on ..

this type behaviour can be an autistic trait.

I've seen autism blamed for some nonsense on MN but this might be the weirdest. What about being a chronic one-upper is an autistic trait?

There has been some talk recently around the way many autistic people relate to others, i.e. telling a story about themselves to show that they understand how the other person is feeling, which can be misconstrued as being self-centred, but that's not what this is. This is just a jealous man who can't see green cheese without wanting a piece.

ItsaMetalBand · 17/02/2023 09:55

It will always be about him.

And that can be laughed off with the small stuff initially, but that wears thin quickly.

The problem is like others have suggested, when it comes to the big things in your life - parent's illness, health issues, bereavement, not only will you get zero support from him but you'll also be expected to set aside your own emotions and support needs because he will make it all about how your issue is affecting him, how stressed and worried he is. How you've done this to him.

A partner stands beside you and is your supporter, your rock and your cheerleader. He is not and never will be, any of those things for you.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 17/02/2023 09:55

Only on MN can someone say this is an autistic trait. No it fucking isn’t. He’s a twat.

dump and run

TrainedByCats · 17/02/2023 09:58

You’ve clearly been making some positive changes in your life with health, gym, weight, cutting down on alcohol and looking for new job Star

You have one more positive change to make and it’s to ditch the bf.

Intrepidescape · 17/02/2023 10:12

MajesticWhine · 16/02/2023 23:50

I think it's all a bit weird - especially the 10+ interviews in one week. I think you are right to feel something is a bit off. It's not quite a red flag but definitely something.

10 plus interviews a week?

I feel he’s lying. That’s two interviews a day... did he take annual leave for these interviews are they across town or are they on zoom?

Intrepidescape · 17/02/2023 10:19

Gillyyy · 17/02/2023 04:46

I think there is something weird that when other people are applying for jobs it does make you reevaluate your job and if you’re happy. Similarly, when one person leaves work and colleagues follow.

It does sound like he’s gone overboard with interviews and you are probably more specific about what you want, which is why it will take longer.

Personally, I don’t have a problem with champagne for his news, he can get another bottle for yours, or take you for a meal etc.

I don’t find him really unreasonable but I would keep an eye on things to see if he is right for you, it’s early days!

I agree. When companies announce redundancies they find people just quit anyway and they call this natural attrition. They account for it and will offer redundancies to less employees than they actually need to cut because they know that others will re-evaluate their own circumstances.

But this isn’t like that at all.

This guy is a raging narcissist. Did you read about how he thought he had a thyroid issue after the OP was diagnosed with a thyroid issue? The guy needs to be the centre of attention.

ehb102 · 17/02/2023 10:22

🚩🚩🚩
A man who copies what you do/say/feel is going to be more tired than you, more stressed than you, more unwell than you. A pathetic dominance game that you can never win. It ends when you have life saving surgery and instead of putting you first and nursing you, he retires to bed unwell himself. Then you realise he never actually loved you enough to put you first over himself.

I may be cynical but you see the pattern in so many stories here.

Intrepidescape · 17/02/2023 10:23

Twawmyarse2 · 17/02/2023 08:58

He even walked around wearing a company branded hat.

I would dump him solely for this.

He sounds weird and insecure.

Yeah, this would also put me off. It’s attention seeking and just weird. I get it if he is just cheap and it’s a free hat but it’s weird that he does this for attention.

Seaweed42 · 17/02/2023 10:34

I suspect you have a self-absorbed Mummy's boy on your hands.
He could have been smother mothered or there could be entrenched sibling rivalry, who knows but it's not something that'll change too easy.

His primary motivation in life is to look good to other people and to get taken care of by someone else.

Other people's successes are taken as a reflection on him, his own status and his gut reaction is not to congratulate you, but to strive to himself to your immediate attention.

You can't be sick because your job is to look after him, it'll never be the other way around. Because babies don't mind their Mummies, they get angry with Mummy for withdrawing her usual availability to soothe his distress.

He rejoices in other people's failures as he interprets that as him being 'better' or stronger in the eyes of others.

He relates everything that happens back to himself and therefore cannot really empathise with others.

So yeah massive emotional immaturity.

TheCheshirecatx · 17/02/2023 10:45

red flag imo! I had a ex boyfriend who did things like this. It was almost like he was competing with me and copying things I did. It only got worse the longer we were together! He started putting me down a lot. I’d get rid if was you.

Toddlerteaplease · 17/02/2023 10:50

You changed YOUR job because HE doesn't like you doing it? Or did I read that wrong?

Velvetbee · 17/02/2023 10:59

He’s a dick, run for the hills.

Tillow4ever · 17/02/2023 16:53

Get out while you can! My husband is one of these - my mum always said if you had an elephant, he’d have the house to put it in. I didn’t really see it when I was all lived up - it drives me insane now.

This type can never just be happy for you, they have to do better. If you’re sick, they’re worse. If you get something nice, they’ll have to have it or something nicer as well. It’s ALWAYS a competition, and it gets exhausting.

Then when you can’t be arsed to play, they get angry/upset with you and gaslight you into thinking you’re the problem…

Run whilst you can!

Tillow4ever · 17/02/2023 16:55

Toddlerteaplease · 17/02/2023 10:50

You changed YOUR job because HE doesn't like you doing it? Or did I read that wrong?

You read it wrong. OP didn’t like her job so looked for something new. Boyfriend then decided he’d look for a new job too as suddenly he hated his as well, despite liking it before, and had to apply for more jobs, get more interviews, etc than the OP in a weird competition.

Toddlerteaplease · 17/02/2023 18:00

@Tillow4ever you are correct it appears I can't read!!