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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think partner is trying to steal my thunder?

129 replies

ellie09 · 16/02/2023 22:59

I have had a new partner for around 3 months so still relatively new.

I have always been open about not particularly liking my job, and in the new year, I decided to take some time out and go looking for a new job. Very quickly I got a couple of interviews and I am waiting to hear back about a last stage interview and continuing to apply.

When we first met, it seemed to me that he enjoyed his job and never spoke negatively about it. He even walked around wearing a company branded hat. However, as soon as I mentioned I was discontent, he starts.

Anything negative I say, his apparently is much worse. He decided he was going to apply for new jobs. So he starts going wild. Applying for hundreds of jobs, he had 10+ interviews in one week and constantly updated me on it.

The field I am in has far fewer posts to apply for, and his field is more common. It seemed anytime I was updating him on an interview or a prospect, he brushed it off and continued telling me about his own.

We were both waiting to hear back about last stage interviews - he got his job offered, however I am still in the lurch over mine. He says we need to get out the champers on Saturday to celebrate his news.

AIBU to start thinking its all just orchestrated very conveniently and I am being made to feel absolutely useless as I'm still actively trying while someone who seemingly has no issues with his job just casually applies and gets a new job?

I know we are different fields etc so there's no competitiveness with jobs etc and my field is more niche. I just feel that when my news comes, hopefully, that it won't feel as special?

OP posts:
delayedtrauma · 17/02/2023 08:19

He sounds like he'd be really into himself in bed

Frangipanitime · 17/02/2023 08:20

It’s theee months op. You’ve literally known him for 12 weeks. And you are coming up with all weird conspiracies that this man would literally change job to spite you.

it’s really friggen odd. Either way. It’s odd. I cannot perceive he is changing Job to spite you. I think you’re a jealous insecure person and have come up with this batshit theory.

Basecampzero · 17/02/2023 08:30

OP I think this is a massive red flag. People who haven't been around these types of people (or maybe are like it themselves!) won't get it.

Life will always be more about him and his needs. He'll always have worse flu than yours, be more tired than you, be more grief stricken etc.

Exactly as you say, if he'd said that he had realised through your job search that he was also dissatisfied with his job, that would have been one thing. But he hasn't done this, he's performatively launched a job search that's much more 'important' than yours.

I hope you get the job you were looking for but I think this relationship is doomed.

sentientpuddle · 17/02/2023 08:35

You say he flew off the handle when he got a job rejection - prepare for a massive tantrum when you dump him.

RedHelenB · 17/02/2023 08:37

AromaSun · 16/02/2023 23:11

He sounds insecure and trouble. Focus on you and what you want.

Not so sure he's the one that sounds insecure. He got loads of interviews and a new job.

ChilliBandit · 17/02/2023 08:47

I call this Main Character Syndrome, but it probably is a form of narcissism.

Doesn’t matter who is right or wrong, it shouldn’t be this hard after 3 months. 3 months in should still be about being excited for dates etc. Get rid, move on up.

user1820224 · 17/02/2023 08:48

I think this is a red flag and you should listen to your instincts. He will be the same with everything - if you get ill, he will get iller. He doesn’t want you to achieve something, without him achieving something more / better / quicker.

illtakeit · 17/02/2023 08:48

SnarkyBag · 16/02/2023 23:08

3 months in and you feel like this? Not sure this one has legs

None at all. Bin

Isthisreasonable · 17/02/2023 08:48

Ex BIL was like that. If you got a new car he would go and get a new one as he could bear to have a car that was older/smaller than yours. Holidays had to be longer/bigger/more expensive. It was deeply tiresome. We weren't interested in keeping up with him so it all seemed pointless.

I would be leaving him rather than ending up with someone blowing money away to boost their ego.

WhatsitWiggle · 17/02/2023 08:49

My ex was like this but only once we'd had kids - I think it was insecurity, he wasn't getting as much of my attention so had to go one bigger or better.

It had the opposite of the desired effect and once I'd realised what he was doing I stopped telling him anything.

You're only 3 months in. I was 20 years. Ditch and move on.

NattyNamechanger · 17/02/2023 08:49

Basecampzero · 17/02/2023 08:30

OP I think this is a massive red flag. People who haven't been around these types of people (or maybe are like it themselves!) won't get it.

Life will always be more about him and his needs. He'll always have worse flu than yours, be more tired than you, be more grief stricken etc.

Exactly as you say, if he'd said that he had realised through your job search that he was also dissatisfied with his job, that would have been one thing. But he hasn't done this, he's performatively launched a job search that's much more 'important' than yours.

I hope you get the job you were looking for but I think this relationship is doomed.

I agree this is a massive red 🚩
It's mirroring which is often done in the early stages of an abusive relationship along with lovebombing ( he doesn't seem to be doing that)
Everything you like or do, he copiesand does better
Quite frankly it's usually more subtle than this and he's shown what a bellend he is very early.
There's not much here for you so I would end this quickly.

Justkeepingplatesspinning · 17/02/2023 08:49

It feels as though he's never going to be happy with your aspirations and success. 'Anything you can do, I can do better' comes to mind.
Please don't stay with him because you feel responsible for him moving jobs etc etc etc.
I would do a cold light of day pros and cons about being in this relationship and chat through with a friend who knows you well and will be honest.
As a pp said, be ready for a huge tantrum if you dump him.

PolarBearRug · 17/02/2023 08:51

He flew off the handle because he didn’t get a job that alone is enough. My SIL flies off the handle and is dramatic about everything. He has also made it all about him and every time you do something he has to spin it round to him. She is just like that and is truly the most obnoxious person I have ever met in my life.

ChilliBandit · 17/02/2023 08:52

@Isthisreasonable - my stepparent and parent threw a whole second wedding for themselves the year I got married. There were zero plans to until I got married. I just have to laugh.

Annoyingwurringnoise · 17/02/2023 08:54

That’s not tinnitus you’ve got OP, that’s alarm bells. Heed them.

Twawmyarse2 · 17/02/2023 08:58

He even walked around wearing a company branded hat.

I would dump him solely for this.

He sounds weird and insecure.

JMSA · 17/02/2023 08:59

I don't like the sound of him. It wouldn't be so bad if he was just a regular bloke, in a bit of a rut at work, and you inspired him to aim higher. But this isn't how it sounds at all. It has become a competition! He sounds deeply insecure at heart, and I couldn't be doing with that at this early stage.
Best of luck with your job situation!

Twawmyarse2 · 17/02/2023 08:59

Ps. Read up about narcissists OP - they often copy/mirror the things their partner does.

YukoandHiro · 17/02/2023 09:00

"Let me guess… your field pays more than his?"

Came here to say EXACTLY this.

Run for the hills OP

washingmachinewoes · 17/02/2023 09:00

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

CoraPirbright · 17/02/2023 09:06

He's now accepted a job offer from a much smaller scale company for a 5k raise to his salary vs. 10k if he stayed and tried to get a promotion.

This bit stuck out to me. He has gone all out to get a new job and has ended up shooting himself in the foot in the process? That’s weird.

I think I would run a little test scenario tbh. Fake toothache or something and see what he says/does. If he is sympathetic and offers to help/call the dentist/go and buy you some painkillers then all well and good and you can be a little more circumspect about the current job scenario. If, however, he quickly develops an abscess on his wisdom tooth necessitating root canal and a stay in hospital then you have your answer. Run!!

whomoon · 17/02/2023 09:07

Sounds like your partner has gone to Elevenarife a few times…

Idontgiveashitanymore · 17/02/2023 09:07

Get rid of him, he sounds like a tw@ to me .

OrchardBloom · 17/02/2023 09:15

I was with someone like this, it started out small things like if I was ill he would suddenly come down with something worse and I would have to give him more attention. If I was sad he would respond with 'think how I felt when...' and would proceed to give me some childhood story of trauma that he had never mentioned before.

I was never allowed to be more successful than him, more interesting, more intelligent, more sad, more happy, more in need or more independent. My life was a total shit show and I wish I could have those 4 years back. You can walk away from this with very little emotional damage if you do it now!!

Sidge · 17/02/2023 09:15

All this angst just three months in? Jeez.

Get rid. He sounds self absorbed and tedious.

And he’s a boyfriend, not a partner. Unless you’re already moved in together and committed. Which would be madness.