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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Am I being over sensitive?

177 replies

wellieson · 16/02/2023 19:42

I don't mind little digs and people taking the piss. But my husband recently said a few things in front of people and I felt humiliated. One example:

I was saying my younger sister (she is 24, I am 36) is into the 'love island' look and recently got her lips and botox done, that it looks awful and she doesn't need it. Also that she posts lots of bikini pictures on instagram.
She is thin, I am overweight. Husband said, to a dinner table full of people, "sounds like you're just jealous".

AIBU? Am I just over sensitive and this kind of banter is ok?

OP posts:
Charley50 · 18/02/2023 05:04

This pile-on of the OP is quite horrible. A lot of people think it's a shame when young women who don't need Botox and fillers as they have youthful skin already, being young, have them, it's not exactly a niche opinion.

I think your husband was a bit mean and disloyal to you, but he might just have felt uncomfortable with the conversation. Saying you're jealous makes him sound like he does go for the fillers, Botox on young women look, which is exactly what you were discussing from a problem, patriarchy, point of view.

Of course any woman can get any work done she wants, but any other woman can have an opinion on why it's maybe not great for self-esteem to start that road so young.

JimHensonWasAGenius · 18/02/2023 05:22

If you were speaking in a "clinical🙄context why even mention your sister in the first place?

You could have had the discussion in general terms without even naming your Sister.

You were being nasty and your DH called you out on it.

Whether it was your intention or not it does make you look jealous and he was right to say it.

EmmetEmma · 18/02/2023 05:40

I think people were sharing personal experience of it @JimHensonWasAGenius - from seeing young women in a clinical setting to - in the OP’s case - worrying about a sister

I really don’t get why people are so blown away that the OP has this concern - and so determined to label it as jealousy.

CloudySuns · 18/02/2023 06:02

This thread is the worst of mumsnet. Pure bullying with the nasty pile on, there's no need.

Hope you're okay, OP.

StClare101 · 18/02/2023 06:46

I think your husband could have changed the subject abruptly without that comment to you.

You are a hypocrite though. Even with your clarification that you spoke about your sister as an example, it’s still horrible.

I think your husband was mortified. But again, he could have abruptly changed the subject and left it at that.

I am sure everyone round the table was thinking the same.

picklemewalnuts · 18/02/2023 07:48

All the posters on here piling on OP, calling her jealous, bitchy, bad sister, making unpleasant remarks about her appearance-

Wow. What you are doing is so much worse. You're a gang of playground bullies.

Zippidydoda · 18/02/2023 08:06

Honestly AIBU should come with a warning…
*Please only post here if you actually want to know if you ABU.
*Be sure to include important information/wider context in your original op.
*Post elsewhere if you’re in a sensitive space

Op- I’d avoid posting here for a while if you’re in a difficult time at the moment. For what it’s worth, with the exception of 1 or 2 comments, I don’t think people were being massively harsh. Direct and opinionated maybe, but that’s kind of the point of AIBU. I’ve made the mistake of posting in AIBU before when I really didn’t want the answer or wasn’t in the space for having people bluntly share their opinions. Now I go to chat and the other boards, unless I actually want people to share their direct opinions on if IABU.

CrystalCoco · 18/02/2023 08:12

What you said about your sister wasn't brilliant (even if you were coming from a place of concern - which tbh I doubt, you just sound judgy) and what your DH replied wasn't brilliant either.

Ref the botox and fillers, not your face, not your problem. You do you, let your sister do the same.
Don't go around talking crap about people and you won't be in this situation.
Cause and effect.

skippy67 · 18/02/2023 09:13

Frangipanitime · 17/02/2023 22:16

Oh ok op. We get it, you were passing a professional clinicians view point, on wait what was it oh yes.,”I was saying my younger sister (she is 24, I am 36) is into the 'love island' look and recently got her lips and botox done, that it looks awful and she doesn't need it. Also that she posts lots of bikini pictures on instagram’

yes, now you point it out. You don’t sound bitchy and jealous at all. Nope. Not one bit. It sounds clearly a clinical discussion, especially the love island she looks awful bikini shots bit

so glad you explained. Silly us. Silly your husband.

🤣🤣

Maray1967 · 18/02/2023 09:23

EmmetEmma · 18/02/2023 04:20

YANBU Op, I’m so sorry you are getting this weird pile on.

i don’t think you sound jealous, I think you sound concerned about how your sister gets validation, you mentioned it in the context of a discussion to which it was relevant - not as bitching but joining in the conversation about how pervasive the look is and how it makes you worry for your sister.

Your concerns and your love for your sister - as well as your relationship with her were incorrectly ascribed to you being jealous, and you feel hurt, belittled and incredulous that your husband would think it and then say it too.

He shouldn’t have said it. I totally get why it feels hurtful on many levels. He possibly didn’t intend for it to feel so belittling but you probably know whether he has form for that.

I agree with this. He was out of order. You weren’t slagging your sister off, you were expressing concern about how she is responding to certain expectations and the broader discussion was about those expectations.
It must have been an awkward atmosphere for your friends after he’d said it.

RedAndBlueStripedGolfingUmbrella · 18/02/2023 11:45

Zippidydoda · 18/02/2023 08:06

Honestly AIBU should come with a warning…
*Please only post here if you actually want to know if you ABU.
*Be sure to include important information/wider context in your original op.
*Post elsewhere if you’re in a sensitive space

Op- I’d avoid posting here for a while if you’re in a difficult time at the moment. For what it’s worth, with the exception of 1 or 2 comments, I don’t think people were being massively harsh. Direct and opinionated maybe, but that’s kind of the point of AIBU. I’ve made the mistake of posting in AIBU before when I really didn’t want the answer or wasn’t in the space for having people bluntly share their opinions. Now I go to chat and the other boards, unless I actually want people to share their direct opinions on if IABU.

Agree, should be a message saying only post if you actually want to know if you're being unreasonable!
Can totally get why multiple people telling you yes actually, you are and here's why could feel like a pile on.
Don't think there's been any bullying though, if there was I haven't seen any

MNHQ
HeidiMumsnet · 18/02/2023 11:53

Hi everyone. Just a reminder to think before you post. As it states in our Talk Guidelines, we'd appreciate it if you could use the same courtesy when posting messages as you would use when speaking to someone face to face. MNHQ

MrsSkylerWhite · 18/02/2023 11:54

GLADragss · Yesterday 01:19
It’s not banter. You were behaving badly at dinner by bitching about your sister in front of others. Your husband tried to end the conversation and gave you a taste of your own medicine. You’re hypocritical by being offended.“

Exactly.

iklboo · 18/02/2023 12:40

I mean, , I'm.not a fan of the look myself, but I'd never dream of saying it out loud to someone's face that I thought it looked awful, why would you do that?

OP didn't say anything to her sister's face. She was discussing her - probably unhealthy - obsession with her looks (getting upset if she doesn't get enough 'likes') as an example of how out of hand things are getting, especially for young women.

RedAndBlueStripedGolfingUmbrella · 18/02/2023 12:55

iklboo · 18/02/2023 12:40

I mean, , I'm.not a fan of the look myself, but I'd never dream of saying it out loud to someone's face that I thought it looked awful, why would you do that?

OP didn't say anything to her sister's face. She was discussing her - probably unhealthy - obsession with her looks (getting upset if she doesn't get enough 'likes') as an example of how out of hand things are getting, especially for young women.

She said she'd had several conversations with her sister too about her "concerns" and over her appearance.
Bet that made her sister feel great. 🙄😥

new2mn · 18/02/2023 13:01

Massive context drip feed I feel. Makes sense as a clinical/career discussion, or even topical societal discussion, the first post seemed like you were just shitting on your sister's looks nastily for no reason?

Dominoeffecter · 18/02/2023 13:03

Seriously??

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 18/02/2023 15:02

Hope you're ok OP. You DH was wrong to say you were jealous of your sister. You mentioned in your first post that this was just one example of how your DH has been putting you down. Have you told him how he is making you feel? Or asked him what he meant by the 'jealous' comment.

3-months into being a new mom is a hard time. I'm sure your hormones are flying all over the place. You haven't said (and probably won't now) what else he has said, but do tell him if he's upsetting you. Doesn't matter if you're being over sensitive or not, it's upsetting you so he needs to stop.

I'm sorry you're having a hard time on here. Take care... for you... Flowers

QueefQueen80s · 18/02/2023 15:15

I bet your husband follows her on instagram and wanks off to her photos. Grim fucker.

Fraaahnces · 29/04/2023 11:06

Honestly, he showed himself up in front of his colleagues. How would they ever trust or respect anyone who tells their colleagues that they’re single (or gives that impression) once they find out that he has a “secret” wife and child at home? At BEST they’re going to think he’s a creepy, misogynistic fucker.

I bet up until last night you DID know he loved you - but now you probably doubt that entirely. You shouldn’t ever have to pretend to be okay with being someone’s shameful little secret.

How could he cheapen and minimize the life you’ve created together like that?

Please don’t let any sad, puppy dog eyed “You know I love you, right?” Be enough for you. You deserve so much better than a gaslighting, manipulative, misogynist.

Fraaahnces · 29/04/2023 11:11

* Wrong thread! Sorry!

Devoutspoken · 29/04/2023 11:14

I'm with the op on this one, its really sad that a 24 year old feels the need to do that stuff and all op did was comment on it, the dh was a dick

WeeblesWobbled · 30/04/2023 07:23

picklemewalnuts · 17/02/2023 15:20

"Filters and surgery are the modern day corsets and lead based makeup! "

Is that supposed to be a recommendation? Or justification? It's exactly the point. Todays procedures tend toward harmful and unnecessary, very much as corsets and lead based makeup do.

It's so regressive.

It's not 'unsisterly' to raise concerns about current beauty standards.

I agree! Have been wondering why everyone is calling OP a jealous bitch. Even if she was being it doesn’t feel right that people here think it was justified for dh to “put her in her place” in front of onlookers. I genuinely don’t get it.

Devoutspoken · 30/04/2023 07:58

Yes it was a really crass thing of her husband to say

Sunnysunbun · 30/04/2023 08:00

I wouldn't bitch about my sister in front of a group of friends.

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