Am I being over sensitive?

[wellieson]

I don't mind little digs and people taking the piss. But my husband recently said a few things in front of people and I felt humiliated. One example:

I was saying my younger sister (she is 24, I am 36) is into the 'love island' look and recently got her lips and botox done, that it looks awful and she doesn't need it. Also that she posts lots of bikini pictures on instagram.
She is thin, I am overweight. Husband said, to a dinner table full of people, "sounds like you're just jealous".

AIBU? Am I just over sensitive and this kind of banter is ok?

@Twawmyarse2 OK, I guess it depends on whether those people were mutually known to the sister or not. If they were people who knew the sister, I think slagging her off behind her back was really not on. If they were total strangers to her sister, I can see how the sister was used as an example for a societal discussion?

That said, just as OP's comments can be interpreted in a non-malicious light, so can her husband's. Both my partner and I have "lightened" each other's harsh comments at dinner parties before, jokingly saying something like "are you sure you aren't just jealous?" the other would laugh and say "maybe I am".

(In this case, OP has an insecurity about being overweight, so unfortunately the husband's comment hit the wrong way... It sounds like her sister has self-esteem issues too, and I don't know how she would react if she inadvertently found out her older sister had made nasty comments about her looks in front of others?)

It kind of makes me wonder if he enjoys her bikini pics 🙄

No, but I would tell him he's being pathetic and to shut the hell up.

FWIW I have a Love Island/Instagram generation younger sibling I'm concerned about too.

I think I would only make such negative comments about my younger sibling in front of people I'm very close to, and whom I would trust.

It doesn't sound like this was that sort of audience, being a dinner table full of people OP felt embarrassed in front of from one comment from her husband.

Overthinking this a bit as, again, I have a sibling like that.

But I can understand the other perspective as well. I think this is just a minefield of insecurities overall (OP's younger sibling, OP)...

Have you literacy issues?

We DON'T watch it.
I stated that very clearly.
I don't know anything about it.

I do know its NOT my daughters choice of viewing but I DO know that they have friends that watch it as they think it is so stupid.

Again, I was very clear in what I wrote.

How you can link that to suicide of participants I don't know?

Are you suggesting that any negative comments about any television show that people make in the privacy of their home is linked to their suicide?

Really?🙄

Oh dear... Speaking of literacy, let's break down my comment in a simple way for easier reading :)

(You said) They think Love Island is very sad, as do many of their friends. Some watch it as they find it funny, but not in a kind way! -> (I said) Taking the piss out of reality TV

(though considering the number of Love Island suicides, I don't really find joy in mocking its contestants?) -> This was my own personal aside, not a moral judgment. Firstly, critical comments among friend groups etc tend to seep into the online sphere as public opinion anyway. Secondly, to me it is apparent that these people have tragic issues, to the point of some being suicidal, so mocking them isn't that fun for me.

... is different from sitting around mocking the looks of someone you know behind their back. To be honest, if your family values include being OK with that -> I wasn't talking about watching reality TV, I was obviously talking about slagging off the looks of people you know behind their back.

I would think very poorly of a partner who spoke like you did about your sister, in general company. It’s disloyal and yes, I would quietly think you were jealous and being spiteful.

However, I wouldn’t tackle you about it in public, I would wait until we were alone.

Maybe you talk disparagingly about other people often and he is fed up with it?

They would agree with the OP on the general point she is making about fillers and excessive facial work.

I do.

Love island is not essential viewing for many many many people, including young people.

Lots of young women do not wear a full face of make up every week, not to mind every day.

Lots of them are far more involved in sports, music, animals etc.

Lots of them only occasionally get dressed up, mostly wearing sports gear as that is where their interests lie.

Not all young women think getting a man is their only goal in life.
Many have serious ambitions for university and beyond.

They are absolutely entitled to think a show is dull, stupid, and not what they would call entertainment, and therefore avoid it.

And if they want to call it drivel, as I would, that is THEIR opinion, which they are perfectly entitled to.

Let me get this straight.

At a dinner party, you chose to tear apart and criticise your sister and your DH called you on it.

I’m sorry but I think you got what you deserved. How embarrassing for you but maybe it’ll teach you to be kinder next time.

A friend showed me a photo recently of someone we know, who has done dramatic and probably ill advised things to their face.

We raised an eyebrow, muttered what a shame, agreed it really didn't suit her. Shouldn't we have? Is that now against the rules?

Thou shalt not question women carrying out significant body modifications to meet societal expectation that women shall look like dolls.
Thou shall not question the expectation that women must look like dolls.
Thou shall not question whether it's good for women to have medical procedures to look like dolls.
Thou shall not question whether women need to look like dolls.
Thou shall not question whether women should take so much pride in looking like a doll, that they plaster pictures of themselves all over social media looking like a doll.

Oh, and of course the only reason I'm saying that is because I'm jealous. If only I'd been born 30 years later, so I too could spend all my time, my youthful good health and money on looking more like a doll.

Darn it. Too old. Shucks.

Agree completely.

Correct.

Thou shalt recognise fashions change and thou shalt ALLOW WOMEN FUCKING BODILY AUTONOMY.

As a clinician you are expected to respect patient confidentiality. Does your sister want your entire dinner party criticising her body and face? Just because you said it to her face, doesn’t mean she wants the same private conversation being broadcast to others. With sisters like you, who needs enemies?

The “context” doesn’t make things better either. People getting work done doesn’t make them “fair game” to be picked apart publicly. It’s still their face/body ultimately. It also doesn’t make you better than them.

Your husband read the room and saw you made others feel uncomfortable, so put you in your place. You should bear in mind that people don’t want to listen to your family drama at dinner. It’s exhausting and off-putting. When I am with people who start bitching about their family, it is genuinely awkward and creates a tense atmosphere.

You’ve been VERY disingenuous OP, you’ve given a massive drip feed about the context of the discussion in which you made the comments, which your use of the word “banter” in your first post doesn’t imply in the slightest.

Having said that, I still think what you said about your own sister is much poorer form than your partner pulling you up on it. If you’re feeling so sensitive about it that you feel the need to post on a forum, I’d guess he’s hit a nerve and you’re coming across very defensive as a result.

I do wonder if a lot of people on here criticising the OP have all put their foot in their mouth at some point or another.

Of course we have. And we have recognised that we made a total clanger, either in the moment or with hindsight. Op is doubling down and saying they are just “concerned” that their sister looks horrible and is vacuous.

Why were you slagging your sister off in front of a table full of guests?

Not good form.

She's a clinician. Normal etiquette doesn't apply apparently.

More times than I care to remember. .

But the OP was the one started a thread complaining about her partner allegedly putting HIS foot in his mouth.

The jealously accusation is so boring and tiresome. However you were being unkind to your sister

I would agree that you shouldn't have named your sister when you were referencing her at the dinner table, it would have been far better to keep her anonymous.

But no, that is not on from your husband. It isn't your husband's job to put you in your place in front of other people, if he had an issue with it he should have asked you privately why you were talking about your sister in a certain way.

I have always hated it when people pull out the jealous line. My mum used to do this whenever I had a disagreement with one of my siblings (love them to bits, just normal siblings squabbles), she'd always say "you're just jealous!" when I honestly wasn't, but clearly she thought I should be!

yeah i think the "jealous" line is a really weird one. Fair enough to change the subject, politely shut down the convo or whatever. But to call your own wife jealous is strange rather than call her out and reprimand her in front of everyone.

Well I think the lesson learnt is to not talk about people behind their back, especially in a negative light.

Whether or not you’ve spoken to her about it, it’s a different matter to then go and bitch to others.

Does your DH fancy your sister then? He sounds like a dick