Am I being over sensitive?

[wellieson]

I don't mind little digs and people taking the piss. But my husband recently said a few things in front of people and I felt humiliated. One example:

I was saying my younger sister (she is 24, I am 36) is into the 'love island' look and recently got her lips and botox done, that it looks awful and she doesn't need it. Also that she posts lots of bikini pictures on instagram.
She is thin, I am overweight. Husband said, to a dinner table full of people, "sounds like you're just jealous".

AIBU? Am I just over sensitive and this kind of banter is ok?

If your sister had watched a recording of the conversation you had about her, would she have been happy and comfortable?

There's no dressing it up as professional or sisterly concern, and it wasn't a dispassionate philosophical debate. You were really nasty about her to a tableful of people. Maybe your DH was appalled. Maybe he's just a dick. But you should take responsibility for your own unpleasant behaviour.

I discuss plenty with my sister. That doesn’t then make it dinner table discussion with other people.

I hope your “clinician” position is not one where you deal with the general public.

But in this instance it was said to third parties. I ask again, would she be pleased about that? And would you be pleased about the reverse scenario?

You are not over sensitive.

I have two teen daughters and I completely agree with you, they would too.

They think Love Island is very sad, as do many of their friends.

Some watch it as they find it funny, but not in a kind way!

Sounds like your husband took the opportunity to have an unnecessary pop at you and humiliate you.

Thats a pity.

I wouldn't be impressed, not loyal, and I really value that.

Maybe he saw other people's expressions and verbalised what they were thinking?

I can't believe you were being so mean about your sister and she wasn't there to defend herself.

After all he didn't say you SHOULD be jealous, just that you sounded jealous. Which you possibly did.

Would you or your daughters openly slag off someone who did choose to look like that though? I hope you are all better than that.

Yep. OP went in on her younger, slimmer bikini pic posting sister behind her back, because she's so concerned, and definitely not jealous...

I understand your point about the cosmetics, but I think that's something you should say to your sister alone, not try to "shame her" in front of others (even if family). If you weren't comfortable with your husband taking a light dig at you in front of them, then why would your sister be comfortable with you ragging on her chosen looks in front of them?

I think your husband was publicly softening the "bitchiness" of your comments (even if it wasn't your intention to be bitchy). He sort of did you a favour to be honest, turned it into slight "banter" between a couple rather than you sat there tearing someone else's looks apart in front of others.

But it's fine for the husband to shame his wife in front of her friends.

Ok. Noted. Never air concerns about someone you know, as part of a conversation directly related to your concerns.

Do take the opportunity to embarrass your wife, and compare her unfavourably with her much younger sister. Noted.

I also think "it looks awful" is not the kindest way to approach it, especially in front of others. You could say she looks good naturally, and doesn't need all these things to be beautiful. Unless you're trying to give her a dose of brutal harsh reality about how shit it turned out, but why do that in front of others?!

"Also that she posts lots of bikini pictures on instagram." was unnecessary and definitely comes across as catty for no reason. I have an "Instagram Generation" younger sibling I'm concerned about too, but I'd try to reinforce their worth/value/self-esteem in positive ways, rather than publicly shame (or slut shame, kind of) them in front of others.

Nothing was said in the conversation that hasn't been discussed openly with sister.

I think your husband was probably embarrassed by you criticising your sister in front of a table full of people and was trying to lighten the atmosphere.

Do you any other examples of his behaviour? In the OP you said there were a "few things" he'd said.

He didn't shame her. He pointed out that she sounded jealous. Which she did. Should he have joined in slagging off a much younger woman who wasn't there then?

Wait, so the sister wasn't even there? That makes it worse and I can understand why the husband tried to "lighten" the situation, even if he didn't do it in the best way...

It's irrelevant whether she had discussed it with her sister or not.
She still bitched about her behind her back to others.
That's not acceptable.
@picklemewalnuts Are you the op under a name change?
You would be happy for your sister to bitch about you behind your back to others? Weird.

How mean to say these things about your sister in front of other people.. sounds awkward for your husband and also everyone else around who had to witness both you being mean and your husband calling you out.

I wouldn't speak to you if I knew you had said that about me to other people.

Taking the piss out of reality TV (though considering the number of Love Island suicides, I don't really find joy in mocking its contestants?) is different from sitting around mocking the looks of someone you know behind their back.

To be honest, if your family values include being OK with that, your complete lack of inner beauty is no better than someone else's deformed duck lips.

I mean, it's literal bullying. I hope to raise my teens to appreciate their natural beauty but even more than that, for them not to be bullies!

I'm certainly not OP. I'm the youngest of 3, and I'm pretty sure we all criticise each other to friends. Though I think one of us probably doesn't remember the other 2 exist so maybe not!

I'm really surprised that you all think it's ok for the DH to embarrass his wife in front of her and her friends, but think it's not ok to express concern for someone who isn't there.

So from the way most of the people on this thread think:

Its not ok to discuss someone’s (regardless of whether it’s a relative or a celebrity) usage of fillers/Botox and the current (IMO very damaging) fashion for young women to be using this at a dinner party - even if that’s what the conversation is about?

And it is then ok for your dh, who is supposed to be your life partner and no.1 support person to tell you in front of a group of people to pipe down and that you are clearly jealous?

Wow.

Worth pointing out that the OP’s sister was not present, has no idea she was being discussed (so no feelings will be hurt) and OP has pointed out she has already talked about these things with her sister.

People saying “how would your dsis feel if she saw a video of you saying these things” are laughable. Does no one here ever discuss other people in a manner they may not like for fear of being videoed and exposed?

These threads where everyone jumps on the OP and sticks up for the clearly VVVVVU dh in the situation are becoming a very frequent occurrence on MN lately and I’m sick of it.

Its become a really toxic place.

Botox/fillers/the Love island look and such is a real problem for young women of today who feel the need for surgeries and enhancements to keep up with the supposed ideal of beauty nowadays - it’s distorting reality and also men’s idea of what real women actually look like.

It is the kind of subject that would and should absolutely be discussed around a dinner table. Maybe op shouldn’t have mentioned her sister but her husband trying to silence, belittle and humiliate her by calling her jealous and simultaneously trying to make her feel insecure (as in - she has something to be jealous of) is appalling and disgusting behaviour from him, I can’t believe people are saying they agree with him.

Do women seriously set such low bars for their husbands?

I would seriously lose my trust in him as a partner.

She wasn't expressing concern though, she was bitching about her. That's not concern, that's just plain nasty.
Would you say the same say, if her sister had a disability that she took the piss out of? No? Why not?
It's still bitching.

Saying someone is ‘vacuous’ and ‘looks awful’ doesn’t fall under most people’s definition of expressing concern. Stopping someone who is being horrible is always okay. If OP was embarrassed, it was her own fault. She embarrassed herself.

@Twawmyarse2 Do some sisters have such a low opinion of their sisters that they bitch about them behind their backs?
Nothing to do with having a low bar when it comes to husband's.
I would publicly call my husband out if he was bitching about his sister to others.

Normally I’d say you shouldn’t have talked about your sister that way in front of others, dh was totally a jerk, sister indeed should rethink having such invasive procedures at her young age which shows she has self esteem issues and problems.

But given your added context, if you’ve said the same thing to her already, and also I think you didn’t plan on saying it at the dinner but caught up in the conversation and having those concerns on your mind, you said it in the moment. So it wasn’t malicious, but your husband’s comment certainly was. It kind of makes me wonder if he enjoys her bikini pics based on what he said. He humiliated you in public and it shows his contempt for you. I would really have a hard time getting past that.

You would “publicly call out” your dh for discussing something you considered to be negative (ie. having surgical procedures and posting half-naked pics on SM) about his sister?

Would you tell him he was jealous?