Page 3 | Am I being over sensitive?

wellieson · 2023-02-16T19:42:21+00:00

I don't mind little digs and people taking the piss. But my husband recently said a few things in front of people and I felt humiliated. One example: I was saying my younger sister (she is 24, I am 36) is into the 'love island' look and recently got her lips and botox done, that it looks awful and she doesn't need it. Also that she posts lots of bikini pictures on instagram. She is thin, I am overweight. Husband said, to a dinner table full of people, "sounds like you're just jealous". AIBU? Am I just over sensitive and this kind of banter is ok?

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 17/02/2023 15:12

Sorry I agree with your husband. He was probably embarrassed and wanted you to shut up being a bitch

CherLloydbyCherLloyd · 17/02/2023 15:15

wellieson · 17/02/2023 14:50

Exactly this. Thank you.

It was within the context of how young people post selfies and follow a culture of vacuousness, from which they derive a sense of self. We were talking (as clinicians) about how young people now have easier access to invasive procedures, in order to conform to unrealistic beauty standards.

That was the topic of conversation. It was from a clinical standpoint. The sister was brought up as an example of someone who did not need procedures, but has had them since the age of 19, they did not work, she now has to have regular botox and lip fillers which have aged her skin, and feels the need to use filters on pictures, wear next to nothing, etc, in order to build confidence, when that confidence could easily come from all the qualities she has within.

Bloody hell you lot just took something right out of context and ran with it.

For the record I have no qualms about the way I look. I am 3 months postpartum so for those telling me I am jealous of the weight issue I really am not. That is why my husband's comment stung - because it was so out of context of the conversation and so far from the truth, it didn't feel like he knows me at all.

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So your sister is “vacuous” now? How does having cosmetic procedures impact ones perceived intellect?

Wearing next to nothing in pictures does not mean that the person doing it is doing so to gain self esteem. I have no problem with anyone wearing what gives them confidence - even if those clothes are skimpy. I’m sure your sister looks great, why should she cover up? Similarly, if she was a size 24 and she felt great flaunting her body in a bikini, then fab!

Generally speaking, many people of all ages do use enhancements to make themselves feel better and enhance their features. To me, fillers are no different than padded bras, hair dye or makeup. Do you condemn those too? Or are you okay with them, because those things have been socially acceptable for longer? If we go back even further, you have corsets.

For the record I’ve not had any cosmetic work done, I don’t dye my hair, don’t whiten my teeth, etc. - but I defend others rights to do so if it makes them happy.

pawz · 17/02/2023 15:16

It was within the context of how young people post selfies and follow a culture of vacuousness, from which they derive a sense of self. We were talking (as clinicians) about how young people now have easier access to invasive procedures, in order to conform to unrealistic beauty standards.

That was the topic of conversation. It was from a clinical standpoint. The sister was brought up as an example of someone who did not need procedures, but has had them since the age of 19, they did not work, she now has to have regular botox and lip fillers which have aged her skin, and feels the need to use filters on pictures, wear next to nothing, etc, in order to build confidence, when that confidence could easily come from all the qualities she has within.

Well don't you all sound fun!!

I don't think "from a clinical standpoint" you need to make an example of your sister and her physical looks. The last part of the second paragraph about building confidence sounds so false and holier than thou. I'm glad you feel comfortable in yourself, to me it still sounds like you're jealous and making comments about your sister to bring her down. There's no need to mention her at all especially not in a conversation about people being vacuous - that's really bitchy imo.

Filters and surgery are the modern day corsets and lead based makeup! Hair dye, makeup etc are all to make people feel their best. Who are you to judge your sister in such a way?

Dallimore · 17/02/2023 15:18

Jesus who needs enemies with a sister like you

Hesma · 17/02/2023 15:19

YABU… he’s calling you out for a bitchy remark and fair enough… does sound like you’re jealous 🤷‍♀️

picklemewalnuts · 17/02/2023 15:20

"Filters and surgery are the modern day corsets and lead based makeup! "

Is that supposed to be a recommendation? Or justification? It's exactly the point. Todays procedures tend toward harmful and unnecessary, very much as corsets and lead based makeup do.

It's so regressive.

It's not 'unsisterly' to raise concerns about current beauty standards.

Jux · 17/02/2023 15:23

picklemewalnuts · 17/02/2023 15:20

"Filters and surgery are the modern day corsets and lead based makeup! "

Is that supposed to be a recommendation? Or justification? It's exactly the point. Todays procedures tend toward harmful and unnecessary, very much as corsets and lead based makeup do.

It's so regressive.

It's not 'unsisterly' to raise concerns about current beauty standards.

Absolutely agree with this.

Sisterly concern is no problem, the opposite. You were having dinner with friends? I assume rather then colleagues, so why not express your worries about her and why not say you don't think she needs them, that's a compliment isn't it?

I think your dh was being horrid. You should ask him why he needed to say that? Maybe he thought you'd been talking about it long enough and wanted to stop you, but he chose an unpleasant way of doing it.

Greensleeves · 17/02/2023 15:24

I've read the OP and your subsequent long justification, "as clinicians" yadda yadda

You were being mean-spirited about your sister. Your DH was horrible to you. I don't think either of you sound very pleasant.

ittakes2 · 17/02/2023 15:29

Sorry you both sound toxic - you put your sister down in front of other people and your husband put you down in front of other people? You do sound jealous - he does sound out of order putting you down in front of others.

TheNeverEndingOver · 17/02/2023 15:29

‘As clinicians’ Trying to justify the slagging off of your sister as it was done on an intellectual basis? Pretty basic conversation to be honest. Thread hasn’t been derailed as such, people are just rightly calling you out. But yes, your DH was a massive dick here - really no need for his comment

Twawmyarse2 · 17/02/2023 15:32

You shouldn’t have slagged your sister off to a roomful of people, it’s disloyal but maybe the conversation was about Botox/the love island look and you were simply airing your views? I hate that fake look too.

He shouldn’t have chastised you in front of them. That was Disloyal and completely out of order - he should’ve had a word with you afterwards if he felt that way - not tried to belittle and embarrass you, which it sounds like was his intention. I’d be livid and it would make me feel I couldn’t speak my mind in front of him in future.

Is he one of these men who thinks women should always #bekind? Does he ever criticise others in front of you? Because if he utters so much as one word that isn’t fully supportive of another person I would be telling him how jealous (and hypocritical) he is.

thehorsehasnowbolted · 17/02/2023 15:35

You are both quite disrespectful TBH

Swiftswatch · 17/02/2023 15:39

Why are you going around telling people your sister looks awful?? You were way worse in this situation so yes yabu for trying to make yourself the victim here.

picklemewalnuts · 17/02/2023 15:40

So the husband defends his SiL by embarrassing his wife.

He's clearly a catch. OP is clearly the one who's behaved badly by raising valid concerns about her sister.

Jeez, I'm not impressed by the championing of women on this thread. Being nasty to the woman you are speaking to, in defence of someone who isn't there is, well, also not very sisterly. And very much like the husband

Original poster

wellieson · 17/02/2023 15:40

Twawmyarse2 · 17/02/2023 15:32

You shouldn’t have slagged your sister off to a roomful of people, it’s disloyal but maybe the conversation was about Botox/the love island look and you were simply airing your views? I hate that fake look too.

He shouldn’t have chastised you in front of them. That was Disloyal and completely out of order - he should’ve had a word with you afterwards if he felt that way - not tried to belittle and embarrass you, which it sounds like was his intention. I’d be livid and it would make me feel I couldn’t speak my mind in front of him in future.

Is he one of these men who thinks women should always #bekind? Does he ever criticise others in front of you? Because if he utters so much as one word that isn’t fully supportive of another person I would be telling him how jealous (and hypocritical) he is.

No you're right, it was within that context and the conversation wasn't about my sister, it was about how sense of self is derived from outward appearance, which is made worse by social media etc.

For the person that said:

"To me, fillers are no different than padded bras, hair dye or makeup. Do you condemn those too? Or are you okay with them, because those things have been socially acceptable for longer?"

The answer is that there is a difference between invasive, subcutaneous procedures which can and often go wrong, and padded bras.

OP posts:

AlmostaMamma · 17/02/2023 15:42

picklemewalnuts · 17/02/2023 15:20

"Filters and surgery are the modern day corsets and lead based makeup! "

Is that supposed to be a recommendation? Or justification? It's exactly the point. Todays procedures tend toward harmful and unnecessary, very much as corsets and lead based makeup do.

It's so regressive.

It's not 'unsisterly' to raise concerns about current beauty standards.

It's not 'unsisterly' to raise concerns about current beauty standards.

She didn’t raise said concerns with her sister, though. She raised them with third parties. To what end? Was it necessary for this conversation? Did it benefit her sister in any way? Would her sister be pleased if she heard said conversation?

Original poster

wellieson · 17/02/2023 15:42

picklemewalnuts · 17/02/2023 15:40

So the husband defends his SiL by embarrassing his wife.

He's clearly a catch. OP is clearly the one who's behaved badly by raising valid concerns about her sister.

Jeez, I'm not impressed by the championing of women on this thread. Being nasty to the woman you are speaking to, in defence of someone who isn't there is, well, also not very sisterly. And very much like the husband

Thank you.

OP posts:

JunkinDonuts · 17/02/2023 15:44

Whether you were speaking clinically or not, you were still bitching about your sister.
Stop trying to backpedal to justify bitching about her.
You've been called out, accept it and stop trying to justify your shitty behaviour.

Original poster

wellieson · 17/02/2023 15:45

"She didn’t raise said concerns with her sister, though. She raised them with third parties."

Actually I have raised them and had lots of conversations with my sister about these things, particularly about raising her self esteem without needing to look a certain way.

OP posts:

AlmostaMamma · 17/02/2023 15:48

Would your sister be pleased if this conversation was ever relayed to her? If not, then you were slagging her off behind her back, and you know this.

If your sister was having conversations with friends/colleagues about how awful she finds your appearance, would it please you? If she was telling people how insecure you must be, due to being overweight and how your sense of self was clearly tied to your presumed superiority ‘as a clinician’, would you think ‘ah, sisterly concern’?

skippy67 · 17/02/2023 15:49

You said that the look your sister is in to "looks awful". So basically that she looks awful. "Valid concerns", my arse. So valid that you raised them not to her, but to your friends when she wasn't there. You were out of order, and you being 3 months post partum isn't a defence. I agree with your husband that you sound jealous.

AlmostaMamma · 17/02/2023 15:50

wellieson · 17/02/2023 15:45

"She didn’t raise said concerns with her sister, though. She raised them with third parties."

Actually I have raised them and had lots of conversations with my sister about these things, particularly about raising her self esteem without needing to look a certain way.

And in this instance you did not raise then with her, you raised them with third parties. There is no justification for this.

Original poster

wellieson · 17/02/2023 15:50

AlmostaMamma · 17/02/2023 15:48

Would your sister be pleased if this conversation was ever relayed to her? If not, then you were slagging her off behind her back, and you know this.

If your sister was having conversations with friends/colleagues about how awful she finds your appearance, would it please you? If she was telling people how insecure you must be, due to being overweight and how your sense of self was clearly tied to your presumed superiority ‘as a clinician’, would you think ‘ah, sisterly concern’?

Nothing was said in the conversation that hasn't been discussed openly with sister.

OP posts:

skippy67 · 17/02/2023 15:51

JunkinDonuts · 17/02/2023 15:44

Whether you were speaking clinically or not, you were still bitching about your sister.
Stop trying to backpedal to justify bitching about her.
You've been called out, accept it and stop trying to justify your shitty behaviour.

Exactly. And mentioning the bikini pics on Insta is just weird...

CherLloydbyCherLloyd · 17/02/2023 15:51

skippy67 · 17/02/2023 15:49

You said that the look your sister is in to "looks awful". So basically that she looks awful. "Valid concerns", my arse. So valid that you raised them not to her, but to your friends when she wasn't there. You were out of order, and you being 3 months post partum isn't a defence. I agree with your husband that you sound jealous.

Not to mention she called her vacuous yet said that her comments come from a place of concern.