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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I being over sensitive?

177 replies

wellieson · 16/02/2023 19:42

I don't mind little digs and people taking the piss. But my husband recently said a few things in front of people and I felt humiliated. One example:

I was saying my younger sister (she is 24, I am 36) is into the 'love island' look and recently got her lips and botox done, that it looks awful and she doesn't need it. Also that she posts lots of bikini pictures on instagram.
She is thin, I am overweight. Husband said, to a dinner table full of people, "sounds like you're just jealous".

AIBU? Am I just over sensitive and this kind of banter is ok?

OP posts:
RedAndBlueStripedGolfingUmbrella · 17/02/2023 20:05

wellieson · 17/02/2023 15:45

"She didn’t raise said concerns with her sister, though. She raised them with third parties."

Actually I have raised them and had lots of conversations with my sister about these things, particularly about raising her self esteem without needing to look a certain way.

So you've had lots of conversations concerning your sisters appearance with her and now you're slagging off her looks behind her back at a dinner party too?!
Sounds like the thing that would help her self esteem more is staying away from you!

Frangipanitime · 17/02/2023 22:16

Oh ok op. We get it, you were passing a professional clinicians view point, on wait what was it oh yes.,”I was saying my younger sister (she is 24, I am 36) is into the 'love island' look and recently got her lips and botox done, that it looks awful and she doesn't need it. Also that she posts lots of bikini pictures on instagram’

yes, now you point it out. You don’t sound bitchy and jealous at all. Nope. Not one bit. It sounds clearly a clinical discussion, especially the love island she looks awful bikini shots bit

so glad you explained. Silly us. Silly your husband.

RedAndBlueStripedGolfingUmbrella · 17/02/2023 22:35

I mean, , I'm.not a fan of the look myself, but I'd never dream of saying it out loud to someone's face that I thought it looked awful, why would you do that?
They're obviously happy with their appearance, and that's what matters surely
Not Judge Bitchy Pants opinion who took it upon themselves to talk about me who I'd just massive eye roll at and want to tell them to shove their opinion 😁

Original poster
wellieson · 17/02/2023 22:54

So in conclusion,

At a dinner party (there were six of us, not the 'room full of strangers' that this has turned into), we were discussing the increase of young people turning to botox, fillers, boob job, etc. Some of these procedures are so invasive and carried out by people who are not medically trained. We've all seen instances where fillers have become septic, patients have become addicted to surgery, etc. We all gave examples (surgeon, a&e doctor, etc) My example, I said that my sister (who none of the party has met) has had fillers and botox since the age of 19. It does not look natural. She does not need it. She has so much going for her. She does not need to post bikini pictures on instagram: 500 + likes gives her validation and makes her happy. Less than, she gets upset and deletes the picture. Everything airbrushed. I disagree with this. Every single one of these things I have said to sister as have all my other siblings and our parents - we want her to see herself in a positive light, validation has to come from within. I have said all of this to her, at length, but this is the state of the world for young people today. Not just my sister but for so many young people who are watching things like love island to get an understanding of what beauty and relationships look like.

On love island for example, when asked what they look for in a partner, contestants literally say 'good teeth', because a nice set of veneers is now a measure of success in a relationship.

So, in response, according to you all, that makes me jealous, and it was a good thing my husband pointed out 'my jealousy'? He didn't say it to stand up for the sister, he said it to put me down.

My point is, objectively, these things are not good in society today. To place emotion and subjectivity into this (i.e you are jealous) was what was humiliating for me.

But hey if I deserve it then fine. I still stand by what I said.

OP posts:
AlmostaMamma · 17/02/2023 23:04

wellieson · 17/02/2023 22:54

So in conclusion,

At a dinner party (there were six of us, not the 'room full of strangers' that this has turned into), we were discussing the increase of young people turning to botox, fillers, boob job, etc. Some of these procedures are so invasive and carried out by people who are not medically trained. We've all seen instances where fillers have become septic, patients have become addicted to surgery, etc. We all gave examples (surgeon, a&e doctor, etc) My example, I said that my sister (who none of the party has met) has had fillers and botox since the age of 19. It does not look natural. She does not need it. She has so much going for her. She does not need to post bikini pictures on instagram: 500 + likes gives her validation and makes her happy. Less than, she gets upset and deletes the picture. Everything airbrushed. I disagree with this. Every single one of these things I have said to sister as have all my other siblings and our parents - we want her to see herself in a positive light, validation has to come from within. I have said all of this to her, at length, but this is the state of the world for young people today. Not just my sister but for so many young people who are watching things like love island to get an understanding of what beauty and relationships look like.

On love island for example, when asked what they look for in a partner, contestants literally say 'good teeth', because a nice set of veneers is now a measure of success in a relationship.

So, in response, according to you all, that makes me jealous, and it was a good thing my husband pointed out 'my jealousy'? He didn't say it to stand up for the sister, he said it to put me down.

My point is, objectively, these things are not good in society today. To place emotion and subjectivity into this (i.e you are jealous) was what was humiliating for me.

But hey if I deserve it then fine. I still stand by what I said.

You don’t get to decide what your sister ‘needs’. Likewise, there was no ‘need’ to bring her up in that conversation. It wasn’t done out if sisterly concern, as bringing her up doesn’t positively impact on her in any way. The fact that you were using her to illustrate a point doesn’t impact on that. Nor do the professions of the people at dinner (with which there was no ‘need’ to provide us).

You can stand by it as much as you like. You asked for opinions and you got them. Must of us think you sound horrible.

As I said previously:

Would your sister be pleased if this conversation was ever relayed to her? If not, then you were slagging her off behind her back, and you know this.

If your sister was having conversations with friends/colleagues about how awful she finds your appearance, would it please you? If she was telling people how insecure you must be, due to being overweight and how your sense of self was clearly tied to your presumed superiority ‘as a clinician’, would you think ‘ah, sisterly concern’?

Original poster
wellieson · 17/02/2023 23:09

@AlmostaMamma
Ohhh... so I am jealous then?

OP posts:
TreadLightly3 · 17/02/2023 23:10

Sorry you’re getting such a pile on @wellieson. It seems there are many posters (me included) who understand the context you provided and agree that your husband was out of order. I hope you have a plan to talk to him about being more supportive in future.

AlmostaMamma · 17/02/2023 23:11

wellieson · 17/02/2023 23:09

@AlmostaMamma
Ohhh... so I am jealous then?

I never said you were jealous. I said quite a lot of other things you’re choosing not to address, though.

Original poster
wellieson · 17/02/2023 23:21

TreadLightly3 · 17/02/2023 23:10

Sorry you’re getting such a pile on @wellieson. It seems there are many posters (me included) who understand the context you provided and agree that your husband was out of order. I hope you have a plan to talk to him about being more supportive in future.

Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
wellieson · 17/02/2023 23:22

@AlmostaMamma

"You don’t get to decide what your sister ‘needs’."

She does not need to get validation from likes on instagram. I don't see why you don't understand this.

OP posts:
ladydimitrescu · 17/02/2023 23:33

You're the problem here. Dress it up anyway you like, there was no need for you to make the comments you did. He was probably mortified at how bitchy you sounded.

AlmostaMamma · 17/02/2023 23:34

wellieson · 17/02/2023 23:22

@AlmostaMamma

"You don’t get to decide what your sister ‘needs’."

She does not need to get validation from likes on instagram. I don't see why you don't understand this.

Again, you don’t get to decide what your sister ‘needs‘. And slagging off her appearance to a bunch of people who don’t know her is shitty. This has been said to you multiple times, by multiple people. I don’t see why you don’t understand this.

GLADragss · 17/02/2023 23:36

The back-pedalling is high here!

Original poster
wellieson · 17/02/2023 23:42

@AlmostaMamma

"If your sister was having conversations with friends/colleagues about how awful she finds your appearance, would it please you? If she was telling people how insecure you must be, due to being overweight and how your sense of self was clearly tied to your presumed superiority ‘as a clinician’, would you think ‘ah, sisterly concern’?"

She most probably does, I don't care. But if her partner were to then publicly humiliate her then that's not right.

OP posts:
AlmostaMamma · 17/02/2023 23:47

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
wellieson · 18/02/2023 00:03

@AlmostaMamma

Ok. Thank you. Message received.
But there was no need to call me gross, fat and insecure.

OP posts:
AlmostaMamma · 18/02/2023 00:08

wellieson · 18/02/2023 00:03

@AlmostaMamma

Ok. Thank you. Message received.
But there was no need to call me gross, fat and insecure.

I didn’t call you any of those things. I asked if you’d mind your sister saying them. And you claim not to care.

As you claim to be so ‘objective’, perhaps you should actually read what you’re responding to.

JunkinDonuts · 18/02/2023 00:23

What your sister needs is a sister who doesn't sit bitching about her to others.
Then sits with a slapped arse face when called out on it.
Clinician my arse.

Original poster
wellieson · 18/02/2023 00:39

Ok. I made a mistake. I'm sorry.

Please can we stop now. I am still only 3 months postpartum and the 100 or so comments calling me names are really upsetting.

I get I shouldn't have said anything about my sister. I've learnt my lesson. And yes I was being over sensitive.

Please, please, please stop.

OP posts:
MysteryBelle · 18/02/2023 01:02

I’m with you op. What you said was out of concern for your sister and said in the moment and not planned and not malicious, you are frustrated that your beautiful sister is having too many invasive procedures and basing her self esteem on Instagram likes, a problem many young women are dealing with after falling for what the culture and media are telling them. I think you’re right to speak up. To your sister, at work, at a dinner party, and on mn. What your husband said was certainly malicious and meant to humiliate you. He must be fine with her relying on Instagram likes of bikini pics for her self esteem.

YesitsBess · 18/02/2023 01:04

JunkinDonuts · 18/02/2023 00:23

What your sister needs is a sister who doesn't sit bitching about her to others.
Then sits with a slapped arse face when called out on it.
Clinician my arse.

I've been reading the whole thread to find what I wanted to say and there it is!

Sorry you feel piled-on OP but "as a clinician" in these circumstances is a bit of an insult to clinicians who....oh I don't know....don't do this shit?

2023a · 18/02/2023 01:12

MysteryBelle · 18/02/2023 01:02

I’m with you op. What you said was out of concern for your sister and said in the moment and not planned and not malicious, you are frustrated that your beautiful sister is having too many invasive procedures and basing her self esteem on Instagram likes, a problem many young women are dealing with after falling for what the culture and media are telling them. I think you’re right to speak up. To your sister, at work, at a dinner party, and on mn. What your husband said was certainly malicious and meant to humiliate you. He must be fine with her relying on Instagram likes of bikini pics for her self esteem.

How does slagging her off at a dinner party help her sister exactly?

Liorae · 18/02/2023 01:45

wellieson · 16/02/2023 19:42

I don't mind little digs and people taking the piss. But my husband recently said a few things in front of people and I felt humiliated. One example:

I was saying my younger sister (she is 24, I am 36) is into the 'love island' look and recently got her lips and botox done, that it looks awful and she doesn't need it. Also that she posts lots of bikini pictures on instagram.
She is thin, I am overweight. Husband said, to a dinner table full of people, "sounds like you're just jealous".

AIBU? Am I just over sensitive and this kind of banter is ok?

To whom were you saying that about your sister?

TeaAndTattoos · 18/02/2023 03:47

So let me get this straight op you where sitting there bitching about your sister with a table full of people that obviously don’t know her otherwise you wouldn’t have said anything about her and your DH called you out for slagging her off and yet you think that he’s somehow in the wrong here yeah ok.

EmmetEmma · 18/02/2023 04:20

YANBU Op, I’m so sorry you are getting this weird pile on.

i don’t think you sound jealous, I think you sound concerned about how your sister gets validation, you mentioned it in the context of a discussion to which it was relevant - not as bitching but joining in the conversation about how pervasive the look is and how it makes you worry for your sister.

Your concerns and your love for your sister - as well as your relationship with her were incorrectly ascribed to you being jealous, and you feel hurt, belittled and incredulous that your husband would think it and then say it too.

He shouldn’t have said it. I totally get why it feels hurtful on many levels. He possibly didn’t intend for it to feel so belittling but you probably know whether he has form for that.